


Fear Will Lose

by Maisie_top_trash



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Grief, Hospital, Hospitalization, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Health section, Mental Illness, Mental Institutions, OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Panic Attacks, Psychosis, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia, Self Harm, Suicide, mental health, psychiatric hospital, sectioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-20
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-16 09:12:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 39
Words: 139,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8096374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: The doors opened and the cold winter evening air hit Josh as he made his way onto the platform and down the metal stair case, each step echoing in the dark. Josh glanced at his watch, it had been a gift from Tyler and on the back were engraved the words 'You are the calm to my storm', the message made him smile but the time did not, 6.16pm.~Basically another one of those mental health ones, hopefully I'm better at writing fics than summaries...~If you finished this story and enjoyed it, I've also written a series of oneshots from the same universe, for example the wedding, called Unseen - Fear Will Lose , so go check them out xперевод на русский язык





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy xx

Josh's head vibrated against the glass of the train window as he absentmindedly fiddled with the black band around his fourth finger. He watched the familiar buildings of the city blur past and awaited the sharp bend in the tracks that he knew so well. It was as though the whole route was etched in his mind, he knew each turn, each jostle and jolt, he could recognise each tree and its location on the journey. His stop was announced over the tannoy and, after collecting his briefcase from the adjoining seat, he rose and carefully made his way down the aisle and waited as the train slowed to a halt.

The doors opened and the cold winter evening air hit Josh as he made his way onto the platform and down the metal stair case, each step echoing in the dark. Josh glanced at his watch, it had been a gift from Tyler and on the back were engraved the words 'You are the calm to my storm', the message made him smile but the time did not, 6.16pm.

Josh cursed to himself. The train was later than usual and Josh knew that Tyler expected him home by exactly 6. With that in mind, he began a brisk walk back to their house, and hoped that Ty wouldn't be too agitated or upset by his tardiness.

 

10 minutes later, and a little out of breath from walking quickly, Josh arrived home and hastily walked up the stone path which divided their front lawn in two. The gravel crunched under his shoes and the motion sensor flicked the porch light on. His cold fingers fumbled around the key, but eventually it twisted and the door opened. Josh wanted to find Ty and check he was okay as soon as possible, but he knew that his husband would only get more upset if Josh didn't follow the routine they had in place.

First he placed his briefcase in the wicker basket that Tyler had installed specially, then he took off his blazer and hung it on the third hook on the left. Next he had to take off his left shoe and put it on the rack designated for black shoes, then take off his sock and put on a new one from the drawer without letting his bare foot touch the ground. He placed the worn sock in the appropriate basket, and then repeated the process for his right foot. As his concern grew for Tyler, Josh began to hop towards the kitchen whilst pulling his sock on.

"Tyler?" Josh called out as he jogged to find him, "Ty, sweetie? I'm sorry I'm late, but I'm here now,"  
Josh's eyes scanned the room, he noticed the mail was arranged on the breakfast bar just as Tyler liked it; Josh's letters on the far left in ascending size, then Tyler's, then junk. The couple always opened their mail together at 7.14, after they had eaten dinner and cleared away. His train of thought was interrupted by a whimper.

Josh walked around the breakfast bar, feeling both relief that he had found Tyler and apprehension for what state the man would be in. He crouched down as he spotted Tyler huddled in a ball.

"Hey Ty, can I sit here?" Josh gestured to the ground beside him, and took Tyler's lack of protest as permission. "I'm sorry I'm late sweetie, my train was delayed but I'm here now."

Tyler said nothing and continued to stare into the distance, his grip not loosening from around his knees. Josh placed his hand on Tyler's bicep, his fingers ran parallel to the tattooed bands above his elbow. At first Tyler flinched, but then Josh felt the tension in the muscle relax, and his hand slid down to join Tyler's. Josh lifted their linked hands up to his lips and kissed Tyler's, but got no reaction.

After a brief moment of silence, Tyler lowered his head on to Josh's shoulder and let out the start of a sentence but the words were indiscernible through the tears he was failing to choke back.

"Sshh Ty, it's okay, it's okay." Josh mumbled with his chin pressed against the top of his husband's head. "Take as long as you need, it's okay. You don't need to explain, I understand alright? But listen, I can fix it. It's 6.30 now, so we have forty four minutes to have dinner. I have some beef bolognese saved in the freezer, if you give me 15 minutes then I can cook some spaghetti and have everything served with enough time to eat and wash up, and then everything is back to schedule, yeah? Does that sound okay?"

Tyler wiped his face with the back of his sleeve and slowly sat up, in a shaky voice he said "Yeah, yeah that's, that will make things better, yeah,"  
Josh smiled, then kissed Tyler on the cheek and stood up, maintaining his grip on Ty's hand. Tyler lent forward and let Josh pull him up too. Josh wrapped his muscular arms around his fragile counterpart.

Despite Tyler's taller height and regular workouts, he seemed skinny and frail in Josh's embrace, as though he could fall apart at any moment. It was partly true, Josh thought to himself.

Conscious of the time, Josh released Tyler from the hug and walked him to the three bar stools tucked under the breakfast bar.

"Is this one okay?" Asked Josh, as he reached towards the middle chair. He felt Tyler's grip tighten and heard his sharp intake of breath. "No that's alright Ty, you don't have to sit on that one. How about the left one?" Tyler nodded, and Josh pulled out the stool for him.

 

 

20 minutes later and dinner was cooked and served at the dining room table. Tyler checked that his cutlery was evenly spaced either side of his bowl of pasta as Josh poured them both a glass of water. Josh could tell that Tyler was on edge, his breath was shaking and he anxiously pulled at the threads of the oversized hoodie he had put on. But in spite of that, he started the conversation.

"So how was your day?" He asked, his voice soft from not talking.  
"It was good thank you, I finally managed to get that research case finished so the partner is off my back. In fact he's actually requested to watch me in court next week, so that's something to look forward to. I know I've only been their legal associate for a three years, but I really feel as though I could become a partner soon." Josh replied, before filling a fork with spaghetti and cramming it in his mouth. A strand hung down and he slurped it up, the sound made him smirk but the amusement wasn't mirrored by Tyler.  
"That's good," said Tyler, monotone and still pulling at his hoodie.

"Oh and do you remember Janet? She works on the front desk, you might not remember her, it's been a while,"  
"I remember,"  
"Well she invited us to dinner tomorrow at her house, how does that sound?"  
"I-I-I don't, I don't know Josh. I don't know if I can." Tyler stammered, his head dropping to stare at his lap as his fingers continued to fidget. His meal remained untouched.  
"That's okay Ty, she'll understand. Don't feel pressured to push yourself too far, they'll be other opportunities to have dinner I'm sure. She also asked me to say she hopes you feel better soon, and her thoughts and prayers are with you."  
"Thank you."

"How about you? How was your day?" Josh asked, hoping to engage Tyler in the conversation more.  
"I had my session with Dr. Wakefield this morning," he replied before reaching for his glass and taking a short sip.  
"How was it?" Josh gently pushed, cautious not to upset his husband.  
"It was okay," Tyler briefly responded, and Josh left him time to expand further if he wanted to, and after another sip of his water, he did. "He said I'm coping better with the small things than when he met me, and I'm making slow but steady progress."  
"I agree, Ty, you're doing great, and I'm so proud of you."

The words flowed from Josh's mouth easily, as he believed each and everyone of them. He took a moment to think back to the events of previous years, but quickly snapped back to reality as Tyler began to speak again.

"Thank you, but I know I'm not doing great." He stopped to think for a second, "He also arranged for me to see Dr Casey, the psychiatrist, tomorrow to get some of my medication increased."  
"Oh that'll be good Ty, give you a helping hand until things get easier." Josh said supportively, as he finished his last mouthful of pasta and laid his hand down on the table for Tyler to hold if he needed to. Tyler took him up on the offer and their fingers intertwined.

For a few brief moments, everything felt okay to Josh. Knowing that Tyler was getting the help he needed, and he felt well enough to let Josh touch him, was enough for Josh.

Then suddenly Tyler snatched away his hand and stood bolt upright, panic spreading across his face.  
"Tyler what is it?" Josh said calmly as he slowly rose to meet Tyler's height.  
"The time, the time, your watch," he gasped in between rushed breaths. Josh looked at his watch, which must have been on show when his shirt sleeve slid up whilst they were holding hands. It read 7.11pm.

"Tyler, Tyler listen to me. Take a breath, we have 3 minutes until it's time to open mail, okay? That's plenty, I promise." Josh said soothingly, but the words seemed to be having no impact on Tyler whose breath was becoming more and more erratic.

Tyler's hands lifted towards his head and he ran them through his hair before grabbing big clumps and pulling. His chin then pressed against his chest and his whole torso folded downwards. Before Tyler could slump to the ground in a crying shivering ball, Josh stepped in the way and Tyler fell against his shoulder, murmuring panicked thoughts into Josh's shirt.

Josh was half tempted to lead them both to bed and talk to Tyler in a more comfortable and calming position, but he knew that Tyler would only get worse if he deviated from the strict schedule in his mind.

So instead, he whispered lovingly into his ear and helped him to the left stool in kitchen. After making sure Tyler couldn't hurt himself, he quickly ran to the dining room to collect the dirty dishes.

Walking away from Tyler, even for the shortest time, when he was like that, tore Josh up inside. He wanted so desperately to make everything better, but sometimes the best thing he could do for Ty was to help him fulfil a compulsion and that sometimes meant leaving him for a moment.

Josh hurriedly entered the kitchen again, holding his empty bowl in one hand and Tyler's untouched bowl in the other. He had managed to balance all the cutlery and glasses in his bowl, so he wouldn't need to leave Ty again to make a second trip.

He glanced up at Tyler and saw him squeezing his eyes tight shut and silently talking to himself, Josh saw his knees pressed up against his chest and his fists balled up tight, turning his knuckles white. Josh could tell that Tyler's nails would be pressing hard into the palms of his hands, and it would draw blood soon but he was powerless to stop him. He turned back to the washing up and hurried to get it done.

Thankfully it didn't take long for him to wash and dry everything, and soon any evidence of the meal they had just had was gone. Josh put the tupperware box containing Tyler's uneaten dinner in the fridge, on top of the boxes from the two previous dinners he'd also left.

Josh looked down at his watch and saw it read 7.15pm, but without Tyler noticing he managed to turn the minute hand back to 7.14pm.

"Ty? Sweetie, we can open our mail now." Josh told him, as he stood at his side and wrapped one arm around him before planting a single kiss on the top of his head.

Tyler lent his head against Josh's chest, the tears still running down his face. At first Josh thought it might have been for support, but soon realised that Tyler was straining to see Josh's watch.

Once Tyler saw 7.14, a sudden tightness seemed to melt from his body. Josh rubbed his back, then moved to the right side of Tyler and sat on the stool.

"Sweetie, can you pass me my pile please?" Josh asked, Tyler simply nodded. He proceeded to place his whole hand on the carefully organised pile, and manoeuvred it around the obstacles in its way until it was directly in front of Josh in the same order and placement.

When Tyler removed his hand, Josh's earlier fears were confirmed as a small sequence of red stains were left on the first envelope.

Josh quickly leapt up and walked to the utility room to grab the first aid kit.

As he walked out the door, he heard a gentle cry from Tyler.  
"Josh? Josh please don't go," Josh's heart broke for the hundredth time that week, the pain and fragility of his husband was so apparent in that one raw sentence, he felt a little choked up. But he took a breath, then continued to root around the cupboard until his hand connected with the oh too familiar red casing of the first aid kit.

He began to unzip it as he walked back to the kitchen and Tyler.

"Tyler, I need to see your hands, please sweetie," he half told half pleaded.  
"I'm fine," Tyler replied unconvincingly.  
"Ty, I know the marks are only small but I want to treat them anyway, come on honey." Josh tried again.  
"Josh I said I'm fine, they're tiny scratches." Tyler sounded emotionally drained and frustrated, but Josh couldn't figure out if he was frustrated at himself or Josh.  
"I'm sorry sweetie, I can tell you're tired. If you'd like we can go to bed soon, but first I need to do this. We both know it's not the actual cuts themselves that I'm worried about, so please just let me tidy you up then we can move on."

The words seemed to sink in as Tyler uncrossed his arms and opened his hands up for Josh to see. He placed them palm up on the counter, and Josh quickly got to work.

Josh knew the compartments of the kit far too well, and before long he had cleaned away all of the blood with antiseptic wipes, and hidden the wounds beneath bandaids that would no doubt fall off soon. But that didn't matter, he just needed to hide the sight of blood from Tyler.

There were far too many horrifying memories of Tyler's blood for Josh, however it was much much harder for Tyler. It didn't take a lot to trigger him, and it was safer for both of them if they moved on as quickly as possible. Josh noticed his pulse had risen as he fumbled with the bandaid wrappers, trying to collect them off the surface top and throw them in the trash. A sudden wave of déjà vu washed over him and he was consumed by the memory.

~

 _"Tyler, Tyler please," Josh screamed out, his voice raw and cracking. He sprinted towards him, stumbling the last few steps and ending on his knees in the puddle of thick dark liquid that surrounded Tyler's unconscious body._  
_"Tyler I'm begging you, the paramedics are close, just please, please," Josh's vision was blurred with stinging tears, but with shaking hands he followed the dispatchers instructions and held Tyler's arm up and gripped the cloth around the cut as tight as he could. Every second stretched as long as an hour, and Josh felt his own chest collapse and he fell towards Tyler, his forehead landed on Tyler's stomach and he could just about feel Tyler's weak breaths._  
_"I'm so sorry Ty, I love you," he sobbed into the man's torso, "I love you I love you I love you," he choked. Josh managed to summon the strength to lift his heavy head, and he turned to see Tyler's face. A wail slipped from between his lips. Tyler's face was sickly pale, as though he was already gone. Josh managed to lift his trembling hand to cup his cheek, but he inadvertently smeared the crimson blood on Tyler's face._  
"Ty, I can't do this alone, please Ty," he begged, but the final few words were lost to his tears.  
~


	2. Chapter 2

Josh finished buttoning his fitted white shirt, and walked over to the mirror to check his hair. Sometimes he missed the colour he had when he first met Tyler, but he knew that his natural black was for the best.

He had stopped dyeing it when Ty first got out of hospital as Dr Wakefield had told him that Tyler needed a calm and peaceful environment to slowly transition back home, and Josh decided it was time to grow up. Besides, he would have been graduating from law school soon and he knew he wouldn't have been taken seriously in the court room or the office.

His gaze fell to the framed wedding photo that was centralised on the dresser underneath the mirror. With a smile, he took the frame in his hand.

That particular photo had been taken during the photoshoot in the woods after the service, and had been put through a black and white filter. Josh was walking hand in hand with Tyler, both in black suits but Tyler wearing his sweet bow tie and Josh in a thin black tie. He couldn't remember the joke he had told, but he was grinning and Tyler was laughing, he lent forwards a little and had begun to raise his hand to cover his mouth but the photographer had been quicker.

Josh loved the photo because he could still see Tyler's scrunched up eyes and his pearly white teeth illuminating his smile, he could still see the joy on Tyler's face.

He set the photo down again and hoped it wouldn't be too long until he saw that happiness again in actuality.

He heard the sound of the duvet cover moving, and turned around to see Tyler waking up.

"Good morning sleepyhead," Josh teased as he walked towards his husband's side of the double bed. Tyler yawned then pushed himself to a sitting position and stretched to kiss Josh on the lips.  
"Morning handsome," Tyler replied, the pet name causing Josh to smile, both because he was flattered but also because it was a sign that Ty was feeling better.

Tyler reached for the glass on his bedside table but found it empty.  
"Want me to fill that up for you?" Asked Josh, carrying the glass to the bathroom after seeing Tyler nod.

In the mean time, Tyler opened the single drawer of the table and pulled out his pill organiser. He opened the compartment labelled for Friday and tipped the different pills into his hand. Josh returned and held out the now filled glass, which Tyler quickly emptied as he knocked back the medication.

Tyler rubbed his eye, still half asleep, and yawned again.  
"How much sleep did I get?" Tyler inquired.  
"Umm," Josh thought back to the night before, "We came up to bed at about 11.30 in the end, then I saw you fall asleep at about 1. I don't know whether you woke up in the night at all as I fell asleep not long after you."

He took his watch off the dresser and saw it read 7am before putting it on. "It's 7 now, so that makes 6 hours. Pretty good for you,"

"Yeah that's good," he said, rubbing his face again, "You know you don't need to wait for me to fall asleep before you can. You've got work to rest for, I'll be fine I promise."  
"I know you'll be absolutely fine Ty, but I worry anyway. However, I happen to find your sleeping face very adorable." Josh replied before mocking his partner's sleeping face.  
"Shut up," Tyler laughed, as he threw a pillow in Josh's direction. Josh laughed too, picked up the pillow and walked back towards the headboard to put it in place again.

He sat down on the edge of Tyler's side, careful not to sit on him. He took Tyler's hand in his, and felt the bandaid on his palm that he had put on the night before.  
"You going to be okay today?"  
"Yeah,"  
"Sure Ty? I can take the day off if you need me."  
"I'll be okay, last night was a one off I promise. Your late train messed with me, but it's okay now. And I'm sorry I acted the way I did, I am trying to get better I swear." Tyler replied, being honest but not pulling the positive atmosphere of the room down.  
"I know you're trying so hard to get better, because I see your improvements everyday. If you're sure you're okay then give me a kiss, because I've got to head to the train station." Josh said before kissing Tyler again, then walking towards his briefcase and filling it with the final document that was left to the side.

"Don't forget you've got your appointment with Dr Casey today, okay sweetheart?"  
"I won't, have a good day." Tyler replied,  
"You too." Josh responded as he picked up his bag and walked out of their bedroom.  
"Bye honey." Tyler called after him.

 

 

"Good morning Josh," Janet welcomed him with a smile on her face from behind her desk as he arrived in the lobby, "How did it go last night?" She asked, referring to the dinner invite she had proposed the morning before.  
"I think we're going to have to decline, sorry Jan. Maybe another time?" He said apologetically, leaning against the marble desk top.  
"Of course of course, it's not an issue at all."  
"Thank you. I'm sure he'll be up to it soon, he just had a rough night and I think it's best if we give him some more time."  
"How about you Josh?"  
"Me?"  
"How are you holding up?" She asked, concern evident on her face.  
"Oh you needn't worry about me, I'm a tough cookie." He said, beginning to smile as he pulled an over exaggerated tough face.

He wasn't intentionally avoiding the question, but it was just easier to laugh it off. She laughed, but he could tell that she has also noticed his lack of a proper answer.

"Josh, can you talk me through the Harper case development?" His colleague Jack called from across the hall.  
"Yeah sure," he replied to Jack before turning to Janet, "Thank you for being so patient Janet, I owe you. See you later."  
"Just pass on my love, talk later." She replied as he walked towards Jack.

 

 

  
"Mr Dun-Joseph? Am I making myself clear?" His boss spat across the room before throwing the paper file down onto the glass meeting table. Josh had zoned out, but looked up to see everyone at the table staring back at him.  
"Yes sir, I'll make sure it's done by tomorrow."  
"Not good enough, I need it on my desk by the end of the day. It's time you started picking up the slack."  
"Yes sir, it will be there."  
"Good." He snapped before leaving the room, signifying the end of the meeting.

Josh heard everyone collecting their papers and leaving for their lunch break, but he stayed sat in his seat and rubbed his face.

He felt a hand pat him on the shoulder, and he turned to see his friend Andrew from law school.  
"Need a hand buddy?" Andrew asked as he turned to sit on the table.  
"You go to lunch, I'll get this sorted somehow." Josh replied whilst gathering the report together.  
"You're exhausted mate, just let me help." Andrew said sincerely, passing Josh the pages out of his reach.  
"Only if you're sure," Josh said, not wanting to drag Andrew in but at the same time feeling a little relieved.  
"Definitely, let me know what you need me to do and consider it done." Andrew reassured him.

"Josh, mate, this isn't like you. You going to tell me what's up or do I have to pull it out of you?"  
"Tyler," Josh uttered as he picked up his pen and span it round his fingers, anxious to get going on the report.  
"Shit Josh I'm sorry, did they put him back in the hospital?"  
"No no, he hasn't been admitted."  
"Oh he didn't hurt himself again, did he?" Andrew asked, slipping into the chair beside Josh.  
"No it's not that, he's a lot better than the last time you two met."

"Then what is it buddy? His depression?"  
"It's hard to explain. He's still struggling with the depression, but he's got quite a few other issues going on and they're all taking their toll on him. Some days he can be perfectly fine, happy almost, but other days seem to be one battle after another. Unfortunately the last few nights have been a struggle, so I'm a bit down on my sleep." Josh admitted, a yawn followed almost as if to illustrate his point.  
"Well I'm sorry to hear about Ty, but I can tell that he's going to recover and I only hope that it's sooner rather than later, for both of your sakes."  
"Thanks man,"  
"I'm serious bro, you gotta take care of yourself too alright? And if there's ever anything I can do, then hit me up. Whether it's something for Tyler, or a beer to take your mind off it, you name it. But for now, let's get this report done."

 

 

  
"Tyler, I'm home." Josh announced loudly as he shut the front door behind him and began the lengthy process he had to complete before he could properly enter.

With his new pair of socks on, he started making his way towards the kitchen where Ty would most likely be, but he was interrupted by the sound of Tyler clearing his throat.

Josh span 180 on his heels until he faced the stair case on which Tyler was standing halfway down.

He was slightly taken aback at first. Tyler was dressed in a full black tuxedo, including a perfect black bow tie, a white pocket square and black cufflinks.

"Wow, Ty-" he stopped to climb three stairs and kiss his husband. "You look amazing." Josh finished, to which Tyler chuckled.  
"I thought I'd make an effort for tonight," Tyler replied.  
"Well I feel honoured, but there was no need to go to this length honey. I love you just as much in my old hoodie as I do in this mighty fine tuxedo."  
"And I love you too, but this isn't for you, it's for Jenny."  
"Jenny?" Josh repeated quizzically, confused by what Tyler meant.  
"Yeah, from your office. We're all going to dinner tonight, remember?"  
"Honey, do you mean Janet?" Suddenly Josh felt his stomach drop as he realised that Tyler wasn't as fine as he seemed.

"Oh, last night you said Jenny, that's all. I mean we can go with Janet instead,"  
"Tyler, I think we should go and sit down somewhere, okay?"  
"Why? I want to head off soon," Tyler protested.  
"Sweetie I'm sorry, but we postponed dinner for a while. It's not your fault, I'm completely in the wrong. I'm sorry I said Jenny, and I'm sorry I forgot to tell you that I had to cancel, but next time I'll get it right and you can wear your tux again. Sorry sweetheart." Josh explained to Tyler, whilst knowing full well that he hadn't said Jenny because he didn't know anyone with the name, and it had in fact been Tyler who didn't feel up to attending.

He had made himself to blame because he suspected that Tyler was on edge, and wouldn't have been able to cope with the slightest amount of pressure. This was confirmed as a tear rolled down Tyler's cheek.

"Tyler, honey, come here," Josh said comfortingly as he opened up his arms to hug him. Tyler sniffed as he walked down the steps to his husband's embrace, more and more tears falling.

"I just," Tyler started, having to stop to calm his breathing down.  
"Just what babe?"  
"I wanted to dress up, and to meet your friends, and to go for dinner, like normal people do. I wanted to be normal with you, for you." He sniffed against Josh's shoulder.

Josh moved Tyler out of the hug and held him at arms length by the silk lapels on his tux jacket so he could make eye contact.  
"Tyler, you are a normal person." Josh said seriously. Tyler's head dropped forward and he stared as his feet before adding:  
"With three inpatient psychiatric admissions."  
"So? What does that matter?" Josh retorted, noticing himself begin to feel angry. He hated that Tyler thought of himself as some sort of freak, and that stigma had convinced him that he wasn't normal. But Josh gulped down the anger in his belly, and reminded himself that Tyler needed love not hate.

"Josh I'm messed up."  
"You're a normal guy, Tyler Dun-Joseph, who just happens to be struggling a tad at the moment to cope with the incredibly difficult life you were dealt."  
"I wanted to make you happy," Ty said innocently, wiping away another tear.  
"I am happy Tyler, you make me happy. Not by dressing in fancy clothes, or pushing yourself into situations where you're uncomfortable, but by being you. I know how cheesy and overused that sounds, but it's true. And I'm not fussed about the hospital admissions, or the list of diagnoses, or the rituals or the schedules or the appointments, because they're what add up to make you you. And it's you who I love. And it's you I married."  
"And I'm glad you did, marry me that is, because there's not a chance I would have been able to do any of this without you." Tyler replied, his tears starting to subside.

"Speaking of marriage, you realise you look the spitting image of how you did at the wedding." Josh said, before slipping his right hand around Tyler's waist and holding his left hand up for Ty to take.

Tyler did just that, and the couple began to slow dance. Josh controlled the gentle sway side to side, as Tyler rested his cheek against Josh's shoulder once more. The rhythm seemed to soothe Tyler, like rocking a new born child, and Josh lost track of time in his partner's clutch. Eventually he broke the comfortable silence.  
"I love you."


	3. Chapter 3

Josh blinked a few times and his vision focused, revealing the white bedroom ceiling above him which was illuminated by the sunlight creeping underneath the curtains.

He stretched his arms and yawned before turning his head on his pillow to see Tyler.

Tyler had propped himself up against the headboard and was completing a sudoku puzzle against his bent knees.

"Oh look who finally woke up," he joked as he noticed Josh looking at him.  
"Morning," Josh replied, smiling as he shuffled up the bed to mirror Tyler's position. "You been awake long?"  
"Kinda," Tyler admitted.  
"You should have woken me,"  
"It's okay, you were super tired yesterday so I figured you probably wanted to lie in this morning, and that's what Saturday's are for, right?"  
"Thank you honey. So what have you been up to? Puzzles?"  
"Mostly, yeah. I had to go downstairs to check a few things, but I managed to keep it under 15 minutes. Then I finished some stuff for Dr Wakefield, and the rest of the time I've been doing these." Tyler said, gesturing to the half complete puzzle with his pen.

He had been quite vague, but Josh could fill in the gaps.  
Tyler had a mental list of things he needed to check several times a day, even more often when he was stressed or upset, and he justified each with a reason that he thought was logical but wasn't to Josh.

When he had been really unwell, the list was so long that he had to write out a paper copy to make sure he did everything without forgetting any, as forgetting led to panic attacks and tears.

With the help of the hospital, and Dr Wakefield, Tyler had managed to slowly reduce the list and the time spent completing the checks, but they still needed to be done. The usual things Tyler checked included: stove knobs, water taps, door locks, the house alarm, windows, plugged in appliances, house lights, car doors, candles and both of their wallets.

Although Josh would prefer for Ty to not have to do any of them, he was happy that he was making so much progress.

"15? Check you out." Josh replied, hoping to convey his pride in a light manner. Tyler laughed for a moment before smiling, and filling in a number on the grid.

"Did you have breakfast yet?" Josh asked, knowing that he would say no.  
"No not yet, I waited for you."  
"Thank you, I'm pretty hungry so how long do you need?"  
"What time is it?" Tyler asked.

Josh rolled over to reach his bedside table where he had left his watch the night before.

"It's 9.43," he answered, knowing that Tyler would want the specific answer.  
"Okay, 10.04?"  
"Perfect, I'm going to hop in the shower but I'll meet you downstairs with time to spare." Josh said as he stood up and walked towards the bathroom.

 

 

  
"Josh?" Tyler yelled from the dining room.  
"Yeah?" He called back from the kitchen as he plated up the waffles he had just made.  
"Josh come here." Tyler yelled again, an urgent undertone noticeable.

Josh put down the knife he was using to slice strawberries, and jogged to the next room.

"Are you okay?" Josh said panicked.  
"Your phone," Tyler said, shying away from the vibrating iPhone that Josh had left on his own placemat. Josh quickly picked up his mobile and rejected the call.  
"Tyler, I'm sorry," he apologised, putting his hand on Tyler's to comfort him.

Tyler immediately snatched his hand back and ran out of the room. Josh groaned internally as he realised what he'd just done.

Tyler obsessed over contamination, and a particular fear of his was screens; Josh had not only put his phone where they would be eating, but he'd also touched the phone and then touched Tyler.

He didn't have time to beat himself up as he had to find him before he did anything dangerous.

  
Josh checked all the rooms downstairs but couldn't find Tyler in any of them, so he quickly ran up the stairs, taking two at a time. First he checked their bedroom to no amend, but then he heard rushing water from the bathroom connected to the guest bedroom.

He ran to the door, and found it locked. He began talking to Tyler through the door,  
"Tyler, Ty can you hear me? Tyler let me in, I'm sorry about the screen but please just open the door. Come on Tyler," he said whilst resisting the urge to pound against the door as he knew that would only scare him more.

He stopped pleading and turned his head to put his ear closer to the door in an attempt to hear what Tyler was doing. Josh heard the sound of the tap and Tyler crying.

"Tyler please, I'm sorry, please open the door."  
"I can't I can't I can't I can't" Tyler responded timidly, barely audible through the door.  
"You can Ty, I promise I'm going to help you, but first you need to let me in."  
"No I'm dirty, I'm dirty, I'm dirty, I'm dirty." Tyler repeated four times, much to Josh's dismay.

As a result of his OCD, Tyler had a fixation on the number four. Dr Wakefield had explained to Josh that counting compulsions were a common symptom of obsessive compulsive disorder, and also explained that sometimes Tyler completed things in fours because it felt right, but often he did it out of fear that something bad would happen if he didn't.

Since Tyler's last hospital admission discharge, he had made progress in ignoring the compulsions, but regularly he lost the strength to resist when he was upset by other things.

"Tyler what are you doing?" Josh asked, trying to mask his fear in order to keep Tyler as calm as possible.  
"I have to get it off, I have to scrub scrub scrub scrub scrub scrub scrub scrub." Tyler said erratically, losing track of four so having to go to the next multiple.  
"Tyler, you're going to hurt yourself, please,"  
"I don't don't don't don't care, I need this off off off off to protect protect protect protect protect protect protect protect you."

"Sweetheart you need to calm down, otherwise you're going to get stuck repeating. Take a deep breath, take four if you'd prefer, and try to slow down your breathing. It's going to slow down your thoughts I promise. You don't need to protect me, you've already washed the dirt away I swear, it's gone. What you need to do now is turn the lock, okay Tyler?"  
"I can't, it has to be be be be four times. That means it will will will will still be be be be, that means it will still be locked."  
"Okay I understand Ty," Josh replied, trying to think of a way round the problem. "Sweetie, how about you unlock the door and I'll quickly run in, then you can lock it, unlock it then lock it again."  
"The lock lock lock lock is not safe safe safe safe, the lock is is is is dirty Josh."  
"Tyler, cover your hand with your sleeve and turn the lock. I promise I'll come straight in, then we can finish locking the door and I'll stay with you until things feel better." Josh instructed Tyler.

He got no response, until a few moments later the door suddenly opened a fraction. Josh seized the opportunity and managed to shove himself through the tiny gap, right before Tyler slammed it shut and hastily turned the lock a further three times.

Josh wanted to scoop Tyler up in his arms and hold the man tight, but he didn't want to touch him out of fear of worsening the situation again. Instead he sat on the edge of the bath helplessly as Tyler broke down in front of him.

When he cried there was a rawness to it, like the pain was caused by an open wound. The sobs were stifled at first as he attempted to calm down in Josh's presence, then he was overcome by a wave of his emotions and broke down entirely, all his defences washed away with those salty tears.

"Tyler, can I touch you?" Josh asked, emotion creeping in towards the end of the sentence despite his best efforts.

Tyler showed no sign of hearing Josh, and continued to hysterically cry in a heap against the door. He relentlessly scratched the back of his left hand, where Josh had touched him, with his nails over and over, stopping only occasionally to hit his forehead four times.

Josh felt himself begin to tear up at the sight, and he soon moved from the side of the bath to the floor beside Tyler.

Tyler writhed in his position before pushing himself away from Josh and into the corner of the room using his legs.

"Okay Tyler, no touching," he said, raising his hands to show Tyler he wasn't going to try anything.

Tyler still made no acknowledgement, and now began to hit the back of his head against the wall behind him. Josh racked his brain for anyway to help him, feeling more and more desperate with each passing second.

"Tyler honey? Do you remember the time we tried to go stargazing on the beach together? It was our first proper holiday as a couple, that time we went to the south coast of Spain. I remember talking to the man on the front desk in the morning, you had insisted on going up to our room for me to get me my sunglasses, and I asked him if there was anywhere nice I could take you out. He told me about that black and white party, then he told me that he had seen on the news that the local area was expecting an asteroid shower that same night. Do you remember?" Josh said to Tyler.

He consciously spoke a little quieter than he would naturally talk so that Tyler would have to calm down in order to properly hear him.

Tyler again said nothing, but Josh could sense that Tyler wanted him to continue with the story.

"We spent the whole day by the pool, you were filling in sudokus from that little pocket book I had bought you from the airport, and I tried to read but kept getting distracted watching you. I remember that we were the last people there when the sun set and the pool boys eventually had to ask us to leave so they could set up for the party. You showered second and I remember sitting on the end of the bed in my black tank top and white shorts, then you walked out of the bathroom in one of your fitted black suits and a crisp white shirt, the top few buttons undone. Other people might have felt underdressed and uncomfortable, but in all the years I've known you you've never once made me feel uncomfortable. You took the blazer off and threw it on the bed, and we headed down to the party arm in arm."

Josh paused for a second and looked over to Tyler.

He was still in a bad way but he had stopped smashing his head and was instead resting it against the wall. So Josh continued.

"The party was throughout the lobby and communal area of the ground floor, and they had opened up those large glass doors so the pool area was also accessible. I remember thinking that the hotel had made a real effort; there were those giant black and white balloons, some floating and some laying around on the floor, and big lighting and speaker systems dotted around. In the middle of the communal area was a live band, in Spanish of course, and a few little kids were running around and making up dance moves. Without thinking twice, you walked us into the middle of the dance floor and wrapped your arms around my neck, and we slow danced surrounded by a dozen kids but all I could focus on was you. The song finished, and we danced through the next and the next and the next. Eventually the band finished their set and had to pack away for another band to fill their place, so we went and sat down. Parents began to put their kids to bed, it must have been at least 10.30pm by that stage. A little boy ran over to his mom who was sat on the table next to us, and he saw us then asked his mom 'mommy, why did those two boys hug-dance each other?' to which she replied 'because they love each other,' and without missing a trick you turned around and told him 'a lot'. That was it, Tyler, that was the moment I knew you were going to be the man I married." Josh admitted fondly whilst checking on Tyler again.

"The next band brought along a woman to encourage everyone to salsa dance, but we decided it wasn't exactly to our taste so we wandered outside to the pool area. Waiters were walking around with complementary glasses of champagne, but obviously you weren't drinking so we went on a mission to find red bull. We went up to that bar and the barman was that guy who served us everyday when we were by the pool, I don't remember his name, but-"

"Miguel," Tyler interrupted quietly, still crying but staring into the middle distance rather than thrashing and shaking like before.

"Yeah that was it, Miguel, thanks honey. Well the moment we walked up, before we had even placed our order, he told us that we'd managed to drink the hotel's entire stock of red bull so there was none left. The three of us laughed about it for a minute and then he directed us towards the nearest shop where we could buy our own. We did just that, I think we bought something like 16 cans, then we went back to the hotel and Miguel hid them in the bar's fridge for us. We took four cans and stole a towel from the unattended desk then walked down to the beach. It must have been what? 11.30?" Josh continued, posing the question in hope that Tyler would join in again but he didn't so Josh carried on.

"Anyway, it was close to midnight and we could barely see a metre in front of us but somehow we managed to find our way to the beach. I unrolled the towel and you sat down on it whilst I walked to the water's edge and watched the silhouettes of black crashing waves. After a few minutes I remembered the reason we had come to the beach in the middle of the night and I jogged back to you, kicking sand up with every step. I started to tell you about the shooting stars that were expected any moment, but in the dark it took me a while to realise that you had fallen fast asleep. I didn't have the heart to wake you, so instead I laid on the sand next to you and watched the sky above. I had expected to see thousands of shooting stars swooping over our heads, but in reality the combination of clouds and light pollution and whatever else meant I couldn't see a thing. The night didn't turn out to be magical in the way I had hoped, but it was still a magical night for me." Josh finished, instinctively playing with his wedding ring before looking up at Tyler once more.

  
"A lot's changed." Tyler murmured after a moment of silence.

He'd stopped shaking and scratching and hitting now, and all that was left of his hysterical cries were the silent tears that still occasionally rolled down his cheeks from his puffy red eyes, which were still staring into the distance.

"Yeah of course, some things have changed but not everything. And not all the change has been bad Tyler. I mean for a start, we bought this place, we got engaged and married, and I graduated and we both got the jobs we wanted. I know you might not be up to it yet, but one day we'll be able to go on holiday again and I know you'll be able to go on a beach again. Just because things have changed doesn't mean they are worse, and change doesn't have to be permanent. But Tyler, one thing that will never change is us, I promise." Josh replied supportively.

He knew what Tyler meant, but Josh really did believe that the good changes made up for the bad. They sat in silence for a moment longer.

"Tyler honey? Do you think we can go to the bedroom? We can carry on talking things through, and I won't touch, but it will be more comfortable for us both." He suggested, hoping that moving Tyler would help him move past the episode.

Tyler continued to stare straight in front of him, and didn't acknowledge Josh's reassurance or his question.

"Tyler? If you need to stay here then I'll stay with you, but I think it's going to be better if we move so give me a signal and I can sort anything that you need sorting and then we can go." Josh was getting more and more concerned by his unresponsive husband, and eventually moved ever so slightly closer to him to see if he was okay.

Tyler flinched suddenly and began to hyperventilate again.

"Ssshh sshh Ty, Ty it's okay, Tyler we can stay here. I'll talk some more yeah?"


	4. Chapter 4

"Mr Dun-Joseph, I'm so sorry for your loss, there was nothing more we could do for Tyler-" he heard the doctor say but then everything was drowned out by the overwhelming tick tick tick of the clock getting louder and louder. Everything was spinning. It was spinning and then he was falling and then he was sitting. The tick tick tick turned to the pound of his heartbeat, pulsing in his ears. His eyes were open but he saw nothing. A voice was shouting but he was underwater and the words were lost. He was underwater and he was drowning. He tried to breathe but his lungs filled with water, he was drowning and he couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe. The shout again. Then a gasp. It must have come from his mouth but he couldn't breathe and he couldn't hear and he was so isolated from the gasp and he couldn't breathe. The waves washed over him and the tick tick tick surrounded him and he couldn't breathe. The shout again.

 

"Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh wake up." Josh's eyes burst open as he sat bolt upright on the bed, panting and sweating from the nightmare.

He wiped his face from sweat and tears and tried to catch his shaking breath.

"It happened again, didn't it?" He heard Tyler say from across the bed.  
"What?" Josh asked confused between panting breaths, trying to tell himself it had only been a nightmare and it wasn't real.  
"In your dream, I was successful again wasn't I?"  
"Tyler, don't say successful." He said as he turned his back to Tyler and put his feet onto the floor, his elbows on his knees, and his head in his hands.  
"Sorry," Tyler apologised, and the pair sat in silence as Josh struggled to take control of his racing heartbeat and breathing.

"Josh can you not touch the bed and the floor simultaneously for longer than you need to," Tyler said a minute later.  
"I need to go out." Josh called back as he picked up the t-shirt he had worn the day before and ran out of the room before Tyler had a chance to respond.

 

Josh didn't have a clue where he was going or why he was mad but he was, and he was running.

He ignored the system they had in place and threw on the closest pair of trainers before slamming the door behind him.

The sun had barely risen on the cold winter morning, and an eery glow seeped through the fog as Josh headed towards the frosted fields behind their house. His heart rate had barely slowed from when he had woken, but now his arms and legs were pumping as he sprinted past bushes after bushes, brushing straight through any brambles or vines in his path. As he ran, he began to think about the nightmare.

Tyler was right, he'd had the nightmare at least a dozen other times, but it had been a long time since the last.

Why did Tyler have to call it a dream? And why did Tyler have to call killing himself a success? Couldn't Tyler at least attempt to mask his suicidal thoughts every now and then? Didn't he realise how hard Josh tried for him? Didn't he realise how many rules Josh had to remember? Had he forgotten how Josh had spent 3 hours the day before talking to him on a bathroom floor? Was it really too much to ask for? 2 minutes when he first woke up?

Josh shook his head, now angry at himself for what he was thinking.

He slowed to a stop and took a moment to catch his breath, before looking around at his surroundings. In his blind anger, he'd run a long way from home, and a long way from Tyler.

Suddenly he realised what a big mistake he'd made, and with concern for Tyler on the front of his mind, he began to run back.

 

  
"Tyler? Tyler I'm back." He said as he burst through the front door.

Feeling guilty about skipping the routine on his way out, he made sure to complete it perfectly on his way in.

Josh then headed up the stairs and walked to their bedroom door, which he found shut. It was unusual but he tried not to overthink it, and knocked four times. There was no reply.

"Ty? I'm coming in." He said as he opened the door. A quick scan of the room revealed that Tyler wasn't there, but Josh saw a piece of paper on his pillow.

His breath caught in his throat as he walked towards it, trying to suppress the memory of finding a suicide note in the exact same place.

 _Josh,_ __  
I've gone to Church. I'll come straight home after the service, and hopefully you'll be back by then and I can apologise for this morning.  
Tyler xx

Josh breathed a sigh of relief, Tyler may have been upset but he was well enough to remember to leave a note and he was well enough to leave the house.

He glanced at his watch, 7.10am. The local Church Mass didn't start until 9am, but Josh knew Tyler had no way of knowing the time.

The previous year Tyler had been struggling severely with timing, so after months of scrutinising over every minute to the point of hundreds of breakdowns a week, the psychiatric hospital intervened and he was admitted.

During that admission it was decided that to help him get better, all the clocks in the house and his watch would be taken away from him. It had been a difficult decision to make and even harder to stick to once he came home, but it payed off and Tyler managed to get used to it.

But that meant that he must have walked to church unaware of how early he was.

Josh disliked the idea of Tyler being alone, and possibly upset, so he started getting ready to go after him.

He took a quick shower to wash off the sweat and dried tears, and put on a grey shirt with a white collar, tight fitting navy suit and light blue tie. Then he picked up his phone, keys and wallet and put them in his pockets, before heading back downstairs and putting on a pair of smart shoes.

The last thing he did was lock the door before starting the 5 minute walk to the local church.

 

  
The cold bit at Josh's bare hands and he felt his jaw chatter as he exhaled a large cloud of condensation upon his arrival at the Church.

Before entering, he walked a lap around the old building in case Tyler was waiting outside. As he circled back to the entrance, the priest walked out of the door and used a doorstop to prop it open.

"Ah Joshua, welcome," he said warmly.  
"Good morning Reverend Winston," Josh replied to the older man, walking towards him. "I don't suppose you've seen Tyler this morning have you?" Josh asked, rubbing his frozen hands together.  
"Of course of course, he's sat in the warm backroom with young Father Raymond. He's been here for about 20 minutes, do come in." The priest said, gesturing for Josh to enter first.  
"Thank you,"

"I'll walk with you Joshua, as I wanted to ask you a question anyway." The man said as they passed into the nave of the church and walked down the central aisle.  
"Okay, is there anything I can do to help you Father?"  
"Well I was speaking to some of the fellow clergy, and we wondered whether you think now is a good time to ask Tyler to start to sing for us in services again? We thought it best to ask your advice first, since you know him best, but several of us have noticed him beginning to become a more active member of the church once more. Especially as Advent and Christmas are so close around the corner, it would be lovely to have him perform again. What do you think?" The priest asked as they slowly walked past each pew.  
"Wow, well I'm sure he'll be honoured. He loved singing here, and I'll know he'll be thrilled to do it again. If there's no time pressure on your behalf, then I'll ask him over the next few days and I'll keep you informed on what we decide is best."  
"Of course of course, take all the time you need. We all simply want the best for him,"  
"Thank you Father, this will mean a lot to him." Josh said sincerely, as they stopped in front of a door hidden to the side, and the priest knocked.

The voice of Father Raymond called for them to come in, and Josh opened the door as Father Winston walked away to attend to his other duties.

"Morning Ray," Josh greeted the man.  
Ray was of similar age to Josh, and Tyler considered him a friend but something about him got under Josh's skin, and he could never quite put his finger on what it was.

Ray had been nothing but compassionate about Tyler's situation, even visiting him at home when he felt too unwell to attend church, and he'd been very supportive of their relationship despite the clash between religion and homosexuality, and yet he annoyed Josh.

Tyler was unaware of the discomfort Josh felt towards Ray, and often went to him for advice and support.

This seemed to have been the case that morning, as Josh walked into the side room to find Ray sat at a circular table surrounded by 7 or 8 chairs. Tyler took up another chair on the other side of the table, and in the middle were a packet of biscuits, a coffee for Ray and a glass of water for Tyler.

"Hey Ty, you feeling okay?" He asked as he sat next to his husband.  
"We're alright, aren't we buddy?" Ray answered for him. "Tyler was a bit concerned about upsetting you Josh, but we talked about it and now we're all good."  
"Tyler you didn't mean to upset me," Josh started,  
"I did upset you though," Tyler interrupted.  
"That's not what I meant Ty, you didn't do anything wrong, it was just a nightmare."  
"See I told you Tyler, simple misunderstanding." Ray chimed in.  
"Please stop saying my name," Tyler said, slowly scratching at his neck.  
"Sorry sweetheart, listen, finish your water if you'd like and then we can head home, yeah?" Josh said, noticing the nervous scratching and feeling eager to get him comfortable as soon as possible.  
"No no no no, I'm staying here."

"Sweetie, there's another hour and a half until the service, and that was a set of four, so I think we should go home and then come back again later." Josh said, standing up from his chair and preparing to leave.  
"I don't want to." Tyler stated firmly.  
"Josh, mate, let him stay." Ray added, he had good intentions but Josh knew that Tyler was having a difficult week and it would be best for him to go home, so Ray's help was in fact quite the opposite.  
"Ray, he needs to go home."  
"Josh, rather than telling him what he needs, why don't you listen to what he wants? He clearly said he would be happier here, so let him stay. I don't mind, in fact I love spending time with you Tyler. Tyler, feel free to stay here as long as you like."  
"Tyler, come home with me, you know it's for the best."  
"Stop saying my name." Tyler repeated, clearly flustered by the decision he had to make.

He began to tap sets of four against the edge of the table with his finger, so Josh sat back down to relieve some of the tension that had started to build, and to support him. Josh moved his hand towards Tyler's tapping hand and tried to hold it, but Tyler snatched his hand away and raised both to his head, resting them on top as he quickly stood and began to pace.

"Josh, I think you should leave." He heard Ray say.  
"Give us a minute and we will,"  
"No you misunderstand, Tyler's going to stay with me, and you can go home."  
"What? No. I'm not going to leave him when he's like this,"  
"You did this morning." Ray replied quickly and cruelly.  
"That's uncalled for," Josh said, trying to defend himself without causing more tension which he knew would further upset Tyler.  
"Josh, I think you're a great guy whose done great things for Tyler but you need to understand that he's not as sick as he was and he doesn't need your protection 24/7 anymore. Do you buddy? You need to stop treating him like a child, he can make his own decisions on what's best for him. He decided that he needed to come to church this morning to feel better, so that's what he did, and it was working really well until you turned up and tried to drag him away. Please, Josh, leave him be. He was fine until you barged in here. Just go," Ray half told half ordered Josh.

Josh tried to ignore him and walked towards Tyler, but Tyler walked away from him.

"Ty, honey," he called out but his voice began to fade as he realised that Ray was right, Tyler didn't want him there.

Unsure of what else to do, Josh turned and walked towards the door.

"Tyler, I'm going to wait out here for 8 minutes. If you decide not to come out then I understand and I'll go home then come back for the service. Sorry," and then he walked out.

 

 

"Joshua, is everything alright?" He heard Father Winston's voice and looked up from staring at his feet.

The priest sat on the pew next to him and waited for an answer, but Josh simply nodded.

"Joshua, you're not going to convince anyone with that. Tell me what's troubling you."  
"Well I need to take Tyler home but he won't come because Ray told him to stay and Ray said that he's not as sick as he used to be and it's true but he's still sick and he still needs me and," Josh quickly unloaded, stopping to take an unsteady deep breath.  
"Joshua, my son, slow down and take a moment to calm yourself. Firstly you must forget what Raymond has said, he means well but has no understanding of Tyler's illnesses, and certainly has no insight into how you both manage them. And for what it counts, I think you are managing them extremely well. I must apologise for any wrong impressions I could have given off earlier when I proposed Tyler starting to sing again; I'm aware that Tyler is still unwell, and simply because he's recovering does not mean he's recovered. Now tell me Joshua, how long has it been since he came home from the hospital?"  
"Uhhm, about 5 months. Yeah, we have a review appointment tomorrow so it must be 5 months tomorrow."

"5 months, oh how time flies, do you remember his first week home? I know he slowly transitioned a few hours at a time, but the first week after he was officially discharged?"  
"I remember that it was awful," Josh answered, thinking back.  
"It most certainly was. I recall one evening I payed a visit to welcome him back home, and he refused to leave the dining room so you invited me in instead. He was sat perfectly upright on the chair, his poor arms were entirely covered in dressings, no skin uncovered, and he had deep dark circles under his eyes and a large bruise on his forehead from repeatedly bashing it against a wall. I hadn't even said hello before he began to hyperventilate and you rushed me out into the kitchen. I must have waited a good forty minutes before you were able to leave him for a brief moment to politely ask me to leave."  
"I'm sorry about that,"

"Joshua there's nothing to apologise for. I only bring it up to show you what progress has been made, and Joshua, that progress wasn't made by Tyler alone. You must remember that I know you well, I've known you since you were a 17 year old boy with bright blue hair who slept over at his boyfriend's house every other weekend. Throughout all the years, you've never given yourself credit for what you've achieved. Of course the hospital has supported you both to a certain degree, but it's you whose done all the hard graft Joshua. Tyler spends a few hours at the clinic a few mornings a week, but it's you who looks after him every single day through every single situation; it's you who picks up the pieces every time he falls apart. I know that, he knows that, it doesn't matter whether Raymond knows that."  
"Thank you Father,"

"He's struggling, isn't he."  
"Yeah, this weeks been a bit difficult at times, how could you tell?"  
"The moment he walked up the path this morning I noticed, something about the nervous way in which his eyes darted around and he wrung his hands. His whole body language just screamed anxie-" Winston stopped abruptly as the backroom door swung open and Tyler walked out with tears in his eyes and fingernail indents on his arms.  
"Josh I'm so sorry, please can we go home."


	5. Chapter 5

"Will your boss be mad at you for leaving early?" Tyler asked as they walked hand in hand along the platform towards the train that was halting to a stop.

"Nah, he's at lunch with a client which means they'll be drinking till the early hours of the morning. I doubt he'll notice I'm gone if I'm honest." Josh replied before repositioning his briefcase strap on his shoulder and stepping onto the train.

They sat opposite each other in a four seater with a table in between them.

Josh had got a train home from work at lunch time and met Tyler on the platform to go on another train to his monthly review meeting at the psych outpatient hospital with his mental health team.

"Okay good, I don't want you getting yelled at because of me."  
"Tyler he can yell all he wants, I'm not missing any of your reviews."  
"Thank you," Tyler said through a smile, Josh leaned in and they kissed for a brief second.

"So is there anything you want me to mention to the team?" Josh asked, relaxing back into his seat.  
"Uh, is it alright to ask for you to focus on the start of the month rather than the last couple of days? I mean I'm absolutely fine now and I don't know what came over me but I don't want the hospital to get the wrong idea."  
"Ty I'm going to tell the truth, there's no point in hiding anything. But don't worry, I'll make sure they know the good as well as the not so good. And like you said, you're feeling alright at the moment so they'll see that and take it into consideration."  
"Thank you, uhm,"

"Is there something else?"  
"Yeah I guess," Tyler said, breaking eye contact with Josh to look out of the window.  
"You can tell me Ty,"  
"Okay, well don't be mad." He began, Josh didn't feel the need to reassure him because Tyler was aware that he could say anything.

"Um, so you know I saw Dr Casey on Friday?"  
"Yeah,"  
"Well she swapped my different SSRIs and that changed the dosages, and the way it worked out is I still have four pills in the morning, but now I've got two at lunch and three in the evening. Also my PRN dosage is two pills now. Uh, PRN is the emergency one I take when I'm having really bad thoughts or a hard episode and need some extra help shutting them up and calming down."  
"Yeah I know what it is sweetie. So isn't it working as well?"  
"You could say that." Tyler said, a nervous laugh snuck out of his mouth. "Uh, I haven't been taking them."  
"Tyler,"  
"It's not as bad as it sounds, I've still been taking the old ones but yeah," he admitted, scratching the back of his head whilst waiting for Josh's response.  
"Right, it's because they're not four?"  
"Yeh, I did try Josh, I tried really hard, I promise, but I couldn't."  
"Ty I understand, come here." Josh comforted, patting the empty seat next to him.

Tyler quickly stood up and swung himself around the table so he was sat next to Josh. Josh wrapped his arm around Tyler's shoulder and pulled him close against his chest and kissed him on the top of his head.

"We can get it sorted I promise, Dr Casey probably didn't realise what she was doing, but it's good that you told me because now we can talk to the team and find a solution yeah? And once we figure it out then you'll hopefully be able to feel the effects kicking in and things will be a tad easier." He paused for a moment but Tyler said nothing, "I know you said you're absolutely fine, but it's been a crappy week and it's okay to admit it if it's getting to you. I can tell that you're coping well with any compulsive thoughts because I'm getting lots of lovely physical contact," he paused to kiss him on the head again, "but you can still feel tired or frustrated just like everybody else."  
"I think maybe my version of fine and everybody else's version of fine are a little different." Tyler mumbled against Josh's chest.  
"I think you've hit the nail on the head there Ty."

"But you make it better Josh,"  
"What do you mean honey? What do I make better?"  
"Everything. When I'm away from you all the thoughts in my head are so loud and they shout and scream and argue and I get scared and confused about who to listen to and what's wrong and right and real or not, but when you speak to me it's as though they all stop to listen to you. The drugs numb me, and the therapies challenge me, but you? You calm me, and you make me happy."  
"How poetically put, and that's lucky because you happen to make me very very happy as well." Josh replied smiling.

Tyler sat up from leaning against Josh's chest and smiled back, before leaning in and kissing him. Josh's hand moved up to cup his cheek and pull him closer against his lips, and he felt Tyler bite on them playfully.

"Sorry, sorry, I don't mean to interrupt," Josh heard a woman say, they stopped kissing and Tyler laughed nervously. "I'm so sorry, but are these seats free?" She asked, gesturing to the two seats across the table.  
"No no don't apologise, yeah feel free to sit there."

 

 

  
"Hey Ty-Dye, hey Josh," the bubbly pastel pink-haired receptionist welcomed them as they entered the hospital.  
"Hi Lily, I'm here for my review meeting,"  
"Yup I know, you're in the usual room."  
"Great, thanks. How did it go with the boy from the coffee shop?" Tyler asked.  
"Really good, I did what you said and he gave me his number and we're going out tonight. Thanks so much Ty-Dye."  
"Anytime, we're the dream team."  
"Dream team." She repeated and they high-fived. "Hope your meeting goes well,"  
"Hope your date goes well, let me know tomorrow, bya," Tyler said as he and Josh walked down the corridor to the meeting room.

"Ty-Dye?" Josh said quizzically once they were out of earshot of Lily, before laughing at Tyler's nickname.  
"Shut up," he laughed, "it's a long story."

They arrived at the door and Josh knocked before opening it.

The room had white walls covered in notice boards with pamphlets, and a dark carpeted floor. The majority of the space was filled with a large oval table surrounded by eight cushioned chairs, and Tyler's team took up five of them.

Closest to the door sat Dr Casey the psychiatrist, she focused on diagnosing and prescribing medication, and helped to recommend different treatments.

Next to her was a young man named Patrick who was a social worker, Patrick worked with Tyler but also Josh to come up with practical solutions for social issues; and he also helped with things such as welfare forms.

Sat on the end of the table was Tyler's community psychiatric nurse Amanda, she spent a lot of time visiting Tyler at home and also helped him on a day-to-day basis and coordinated care plans if he needed respite or more home care.

Next to Amanda was Ryan. Ryan had been Tyler's keyworker during his inpatient admissions, so they had a close connection and he was able to suggest methods that he knew worked previously. He also had a great gauge of when Tyler was struggling and needed the help of inpatient care.

Finally there was Dr Wakefield, a psychologist who completed the majority of Tyler's therapy sessions and was the unofficial leader of the team.

"Hi everyone," Tyler said as they sat down at the table. He received a flurry of hellos in response.

"Right, I'll start us off. How are you Tyler?" Dr Wakefield asked.  
"I'm really good thank you,"  
"Good to hear, and how have you been since our appointment on Thursday?"  
"Yeah I've been good thank you," Tyler answered again.  
"Ty," Josh said sternly.  
"Tyler, are you going to tell us or is Josh?" Ryan asked, absentmindedly twirling his pen.  
"I mean there were a few incidents but they're hardly worth mentioning." Tyler stalled.  
"Josh, can you expand for us?" Ryan requested.  
"Yeah sure." Josh replied, repositioning himself on the seat as he prepared to talk about Tyler as though he wasn't sat right next to him.

"So Thursday night there was a timing problem. My train arrived late on my journey home from work and Tyler got upset and I found him crying under the table."  
"Tyler, did you have a panic attack?" Dr Wakefield asked and Tyler nodded, then the Dr wrote something down and gestured for Josh to continue.

"He wasn't himself for the rest of the evening, didn't eat anything and he had a few more panicked moments. During one, he drew blood with his nails."  
"Okay, and Josh you followed the protocol we talked about last month?"  
"Yeah," Josh answered and he looked over to Tyler who had sunk a little in his chair.

He placed his hand, palm up, on Tyler's arm rest and Tyler put his hand on top, their fingers intertwined.

"Okay good," Dr Wakefield said as he took some more notes. "How about Friday?"  
"Friday morning was good, although there was a small incident again when I came home. Ty got a bit mixed up. Basically a friend of mine invited us to dinner and I mentioned it to Tyler the night before, but we decided not to go. When I got home, he was wearing a tuxedo and thought we were going to somebody different's dinner party and he got upset when I told him that he was mistaken. But it wasn't for long, he did really well."

"Tyler, how come you didn't want to go for dinner?" Amanda asked.  
"I didn't want to embarrass myself or Josh I guess, and I was worried about the layout of the house and timing and stuff." Tyler admitted.  
"Okay, we'll talk about that later, Josh can you carry on?" Dr Wakefield replied.

"Yeah, the rest of Friday was pretty uneventful. Saturday also started nicely, and Tyler told me that he got his checks down to 15 minutes in the morning."  
"Good job," Dr Wakefield interjected,  
"We had a tough couple of hours, but it was my fault." Josh continued,  
"It wasn't," Tyler interrupted. "Josh was making us a late breakfast and he left his phone in the dining room where I was waiting. It rang and spooked me. Josh came running in and stopped it for me, then tried to calm me down and accidentally touched me with the same hand. I overreacted like an idiot and locked myself in the bathroom upstairs where the other guy then took control and scrubbed our hand raw trying to clean it. Josh was talking to me through the door, well it wasn't really me, but he was talking through the door and managed to convince the other guy to open it. My head was screaming, and the other guy was probably screaming too, but Josh stuck with him. It lasted about three hours before I was Tyler again and could leave the bathroom."  
"Did you take any PRN?" Dr Casey asked.  
"No he didn't, we keep it in the locked cabinet downstairs and I didn't feel it was safe to leave him to go and get it." Josh said.

"Tyler do you remember what happened in the bathroom?" Dr Wakefield asked, not looking up from writing.  
"No,"  
"Nothing at all?" Dr Wakefield asked again.  
"I mean I know the other guy was crying and shouting a lot because my throat and eyes were really sore afterwards, and he must have been hitting the back of our head because it felt bruised, but that's more deduction than memory."

"Tyler if it's okay with you, I'd like to talk about that more during tomorrow's session." Dr Wakefield said, leaning back in his chair and pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.  
"Okay."

"Did you have any issues yesterday, Josh?"  
"We had a small disagreement in the morning but it didn't lead to any major reaction, and the afternoon and evening just consisted of a movie marathon. Saturday was the main thing I wanted to make you aware of."

"Did you watch Fight Club?" Patrick asked, referring to Josh's favourite movie.  
"Of course." Josh answered with a smile.

"I know it's only been two days, and it's likely to take a couple of weeks for the effects to kick in, but how has the new medication been?" Asked Dr Casey.

"Josh," Tyler said, prompting Josh to answer for him.  
"He's not been taking it."  
"Okay Tyler, I realise that you've had a lot going through your mind these past few days, but it's really important to take all of your medication. Some of those pills, especially benzodiazepine, have the potential to give you some really bad reactions if you stop taking them abruptly, I'm talking seizures and-"  
"Oh no no, sorry I think I gave you the wrong impression. He's still taking them but he hasn't swapped to the new ones you gave him on Friday." Josh clarified.  
"Ah okay, how come sweetheart?" She asked Tyler, despite knowing that he'd get Josh to answer for him again.

"Tyler needs his pills to be in multiples of four. Is there anyway you can change the doses or redistribute them or something?"  
"Yes, so the morning ones are okay?"  
"Yeah, it's just that lunch is two and evening is three." Josh replied.  
"And PRN is two," Tyler added, before pulling his feet up onto the chair and tucking his legs against his chest.

"Right. Tyler you can tell me if you don't think it will work, but the medication at lunch is in pill form so you should be able to cut them in half using the edge of a spoon. If you do that to both, then you'll have four pieces, is that okay?" Dr Casey suggested, and Tyler nodded. "Okay good, now to the evening medication, they're capsules rather than solid pills so I don't want you to split them. However I think I'll be able to swap one of the 80mg capsules for two 40mg ones, that will mean you have four, so that makes it better yeah?" She told him, and he nodded again. "As for your PRN medication, it's two lorazepam 2mg pills at the moment. The pharmaceutical company also make it in 1mg pills so you can choose whether you'd like to split the 2mg pills in half like at lunch, or you want me to prescribe four 1mg tablets."

"Obviously the choice is yours Tyler, but bare in mind that PRN is for when you're really agitated, so I don't think you or Josh will want to take any longer than necessary to prepare the meds. If it were me, I'd go for four 1mg." Ryan said as Tyler struggled to make a decision.  
"Four 1mgs please." Tyler said softly, and Dr Casey wrote down all the changes.

"Okay has anybody got anything else to ask Tyler before we get him to step out for a few minutes?" Dr Wakefield asked his colleagues, and everyone shook their head or said no.

"Alright, have either of you two got anything else to say at this point?" He asked Josh and Tyler. Josh remembered the promise he had made to Tyler on the train, and spoke up.

"I just want to say that Tyler's come along a lot since last month, and I hope it's not overshadowed by the rough patch he had this weekend. He really is doing a lot better, I hope you can all see that as well as I can."  
"Of course, I also noticed when I was on my home visits and I'm very happy with you Tyler, you're doing a great job." Amanda encouraged him.

"Thank you, do you need me to leave now?" Tyler asked, putting his feet back on the floor and leaning forwards ready to stand.  
"Yes please. Are you okay by yourself, or do you want me to grab one of the nurses to stay with you?" said Dr Wakefield.  
"I'll be okay."  
"Good lad. The room next door is empty, or my office is available if you'd like to go there instead."  
"Is room 4 free?"  
"I think it's being used at the moment, but 8 is definitely free."  
"Okay I'm going to wait there, can somebody come and get me when you're done?"  
"I'll come and get you myself, bye Tyler."  
"Bye, see you all later." He said as he let go of Josh's hand and walked out of the room.

 

The meeting continued for another 40 minutes as the different staff swapped and compared notes, and asked Josh questions.

Dr Casey explained the reasoning behind the drug changes, and Dr Wakefield told them the outline of what they covered in the month's therapies without revealing too much private detail.

Amanda shared the progress Tyler had made with small exposure tasks at home, and Patrick suggested that Tyler should aim to get a part time volunteering job somewhere in the community over the next few weeks.

Finally Ryan asked what Josh had been thinking since Tyler spoke about the breakdown on Saturday.

"Did anybody else notice the pronouns Tyler used when he talked about the incident in the bathroom on Saturday? He kept talking about the other guy, and saying he and our about himself. What's that about?"  
"It could be either dissociation or depersonalisation, I know he's struggled with both in the past," Amanda suggested.  
"Well in some of our sessions last week I told Tyler about externalising, I think he may have progressed that technique further than I had intended." Dr Wakefield said,

"What's externalising?" Josh asked.  
"It's a technique used quite a lot as part of narrative therapy, there are many ways of understanding it, but perhaps it is best summed up in the phrase, ‘the person is not the problem, the problem is the problem’. Basically I help Tyler to personify his issue or fear, give it a seat across the table, that way he can see it for what it is, rather than a part of who he is. An example is a young child who wants to stop getting into so much trouble, an externalising question might be: ‘how does that Mr Mischief manage to trick you?’ or ‘when is Mr Mischief most likely to visit?’ Through these sorts of questions, some space is created between the person and the problem, and this enables the person to begin to revise their relationship with the problem. It may seem a little juvenile to you, but Tyler responded really well to it. My only concern now is that the character we created during the session to personify his negative thoughts has become so detached in Tyler's mind that he feels like he switches between two separate people when he is struggling." Dr Wakefield explained.

"But try not to worry Josh, it's not a personality disorder or anything along those lines. I'm sure Dr Wakefield can explain to Tyler how to take the next step in externalising when they meet tomorrow, and that should clear up the problems with the pronouns." Amanda said from across the table.

Josh thanked them both, then added ' _research externalising_ ' to his long list of things to do he'd written on his piece of paper.

"Josh I'm afraid we'll have to leave this review here because I've got another patient arriving soon, but at the moment I'm very happy for Tyler to remain on his current care plan. I believe we're all in agreement on that?" Dr Wakefield said, directing the last question to the other members who agreed with him. "Hopefully those small adjustments will help, and feel free to email me with any concerns or queries you have." He said as he stood up, and reached out his hand which Josh shook firmly.

"I'll tell Tyler to come back this way as I'm walking past room 8 anyway, see you next time." And he walked out of the room.

"Are there any final questions you have for those of us who are still left before Tyler comes back?" Ryan asked, collecting up the scattered papers off of the table and sliding them into Tyler's file.

"Any ideas for a birthday present I could get him?" Josh asked lightheartedly as he stood up and put his own notes in his briefcase.

He received a few laughs but no suggestions before Tyler walked back in.

"You okay?" Josh whispered to him, he nodded and continued to walk straight towards him until their hips collided.

Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler's shoulders and pulled him in for a hug but Tyler didn't move his head to the side so instead their heads made contact and they began to kiss. As the kiss became more passionate, Josh instinctively moved his hand to Tyler's cheek, he fought against his body's beg for breath as his lips moved in sync with Tyler's.

Then, for the second time that day, they were interrupted.

"Alright lover boys, that's quite enough." Ryan heckled jokingly.

They pulled apart to see everyone had packed up their things and were waiting for them to finish in order to say goodbye and leave.

It didn't take long to thank everyone, and 60 seconds later the couple were walking hand in hand out of the hospital.


	6. Chapter 6

A few days passed like normal, Josh went to work and Tyler had his sessions with Dr Wakefield and Amanda. They spent the evenings together and, other than a few panicked moments, they were incident free.

Josh arrived home on Thursday at the normal time, but as he opened the door he heard noises coming from the end of the house. Tyler didn't watch television without Josh to turn it on for him, and the same went for music, so he was intrigued by what could be the source.

He didn't feel apprehensive, more curious.

"Tyler? I'm home," he called as he started to take off his shoes according to the routine.  
"Josh, we're in the conservatory." He faintly heard Tyler call back, confusing Josh a little.

It sounded as though he had a guest around, but they hadn't had any unplanned guests visit, except Tyler's parents, since he was last admitted to hospital almost 9 months ago.

On top of that, Tyler felt very uncomfortable in their conservatory and very rarely entered it. Curiosity began to mix with concern as Josh quickly walked towards Tyler and the potential guest.

As he turned the corner, he saw Tyler laughing hysterically, and the distinctive pale pink ponytail on the back of Lily's head through the glass. She turned around, confirming it to be her, and waved excitedly at Josh. He opened the glass door with a smile on his face.

"Hey Joshiee," she greeted him as she jumped to her feet and wrapped her skinny arms around his neck. He hugged her back around her slim waist and laughed at her cheerful attitude.

"Hi Lily, what a pleasant surprise." He said before looking behind him and sitting on the sofa next to Tyler. "Hey Ty,"

"Oi, get over here," Tyler said through a smile, reaching an arm out to beckon Josh to sit closer to him. Josh shuffled across until their thighs were touching, and Tyler bent his arm around Josh's neck and used the hook of his elbow to pull him into a kiss. After a few seconds, Tyler's lips pulled away but his grip didn't loosen, instead their foreheads rested against each other and their lips lingered a few millimetres apart, Josh saw Tyler smiling but he also saw his eyes were puffy from crying.

"I missed you," Ty said before giggling and letting go.  
"So Lily, in the nicest way possible, what are you doing here?" Josh asked as he leaned against the back of the wicker sofa and put his arms along the top of it.

Tyler repositioned himself to lean his head against Josh's pectoral, and tucked his legs up beside him.

"I gave Ty a lift back from the hospital earlier, then he invited me to stay around and we've been gossiping since." She answered whilst making eye contact with Josh, before sticking her tongue out playfully at the man leaning against him like a child.

"How come you gave him a lift?"  
"Tell you later," she quickly dismissed, and Josh took the hint. "Joshie, I had no idea that you used to be a fellow hair dye enthusiast. I'm sure you'll be very pleased to hear that Ty showed me loads of old photos." She swiftly moved on, laughing as Josh groaned. "I especially love your adorable it's-not-a-phase phase,"

"I stand by the red, it was awesome."  
"If by awesome, you mean not-awesome then I agree." She mocked with a laugh,  
"What about the green?" Josh asked her, cringing at himself.  
"I mean if you were aiming for the slice-of-mouldy-bread-on-your-head look then you absolutely nailed it." Lily teased.

"What do you think Ty? Should I go back to the red? Or maybe I should go pastel pink to match Lily? I'm sure everyone in court will take me seriously as I'm prosecuting with candyfloss for hair." He asked his husband, but got no reply. "Ty?" He asked again, and again got no reply.

This time Josh looked up from the top of Tyler's head and made eye contact with Lily, and silently mouthed, "is he okay?"

Lily got off the sofa she was sat on and walked around the low coffee table that separated them, then crouched down low in order to properly see Tyler, who's face was half buried in Josh's shirt.

"I think he's asleep," she said softly, "bless him."  
"Can you pass me that pillow please?" Josh asked, signalling at a decorative throw cushion that had fallen on the floor just outside of his reach. Lily gave it to him and he put it on the space next to him, then slowly managed to manoeuvre Tyler off his chest and lay him down with his head on the pillow without waking him. Finally he unfolded a light blanket from behind the seat and laid it over his sleeping husband.

"Josh can we go talk somewhere?" Lily quietly asked as she walked towards the door.  
"Yeah, follow me," he said as he lead the way to the kitchen.

Once they arrived, Lily shut the door behind them and sat on a barstool as Josh leaned against the opposite side of the island. "So what happened today?"

"I don't know all of the details, you'll have to ask whoever was running his group session, but I can tell you all I know. When he arrived this morning he was crying, it wasn't like he was sobbing but as we were talking, tears were rolling down his face. I asked him if there was anything I could do and he smiled and said no, then walked down the corridor for his group. It was scheduled to last an hour and a half but I saw him leave with a nurse after about an hour and go into a small side room. I didn't think much of it, then maybe 20 minutes later the nurse half stepped out of the room and called for me to go and get help. I grabbed Amanda and tried to get Dr Wakefield but he was with a patient, so I got another one of the nurses. They rushed in and I didn't see any of them for another hour, except one of the nurses left for a minute and went back with some medication. It was time for my lunch break by that point, so I went and knocked on the door but they told me to come back later. I know it was wrong of me and I'm sorry but I left for lunch,"

"It's okay, he was being looked after and you need to eat, I understand."

"But still."

"Lily, I said it's alright. No matter how hard you try, you can't take care of everyone, trust me I know. Just carry on explaining, it's okay I promise," Josh comforted her as she began to get a little emotional.

"Okay. Well I went for lunch but I couldn't find anything I wanted because I kept thinking about Tyler. In the end I went back to the hospital early, and when I arrived in the waiting room he was standing on one of the chairs crying and shouting at Amanda to leave him alone. When he saw me he screamed for me to help him, so I walked over and tried to calm him down. He let me hold his hands and after a few minutes I managed to convince him to get down off the chair and we hugged sat on the floor for a long time. Dr Wakefield didn't want Tyler to take the train by himself but Tyler didn't want to stay in the hospital, and he also begged us not to call you. In the end the Dr gave me the afternoon off so I could drive him home, and I wanted to stay with him until you came back."

"Right, well thank you for everything you did for us." Josh said, still processing what she'd told him. "How has he been since you got home? He seemed a bit off I suppose but he was smiling and laughing and kissing."

"He's been really struggling. Every couple of minutes he seems to swap from laughing to screaming then back again. They gave him some PRN at the hospital, and I gave him another dose about 30 minutes ago, so you'll need to wait another three and a half hours before you can give him anymore."

"Okay, thank you Lil," he said gratefully, and noticed her looking upset. "Need a hug?" He asked, and she nodded with pursed lips as she tried to hold back the tears forming in her eyes.

Josh walked around the island and wrapped his arms around her delicate body. She was much shorter than him, even though she was sat on a high stool, so he rested his chin on the top of her head as she pressed it against his chest. After a moment of comfortable silence, she spoke up.

"How do you do it Josh?"  
"Hope. Hope that he'll improve, that tomorrow will be easier, that things will get better." He took a moment to swallow, and squeezed Lily tight before continuing. "Just like Ty, I have good and bad days. There are days when I feel like I'm failing him and he deserves someone so much stronger and better, and I wonder whether he's progressing at all. But then there will be something that reminds me why I do all of this, it might be a look in his eye or a smile or something and it brings it all back. Tyler means everything to me, I've loved him since I first laid eyes on him over a decade ago. I want him to get better because I want him to be happy, not because I want him to change. I love him the way he is, and sometimes that's enough to get us through the hard days."

"That's beautiful," she said fondly as she let go of Josh and wiped away tear with her sleeve.  
"I'm going to go check on him whilst you clean yourself up," he said as he stepped back towards the door.

 

"Tyler, Tyler honey, wake up," Josh calmly whispered whilst crouching beside the sofa and stroking Tyler's face softly with his thumb.

He hadn't planned to wake up him up, but Tyler had been twitching uncomfortably in his sleep and Josh suspected he was having a nightmare.

A second later Tyler sat up with a loud gasp. "Tyler, it's okay, it's Josh and I'm here," Josh said soothingly as Tyler hyperventilated and tears began to stream down his face. "Ty it's okay,"

"Where am I?" He gulped, twisting his head around sharply.  
"Tyler you're at home, this is the conservatory, it's safe I promise."  
"No no no no," Tyler cried, trying to stand up and run out.

Josh stood and blocked his path, pulling the frantic man into a hug despite him struggling and resisting.  
"Tyler, listen to my voice, you're okay, I've got you. You need to slow down, I'm here and I'm going to stay here I promise. Concentrate on my voice, ignore everything else and concentrate on me. It's okay, it's all going to be okay." Josh said, trying to keep his voice steady in spite of Tyler's thrashing.

"Tyler, I'm not letting go until you calm down, you need to slow down. Come on sweetheart, I know you can do it, just listen to my voice and block everything else out. You're going to be okay," he calmly soothed.

Tyler forcefully buried his face in Josh's shoulder and screamed, then tried to stay still but every few moments he pushed against Josh's arms and attempted to escape his firm grip.

As the time between each attempt got longer and Tyler seemed to be getting less hysterical, Josh contemplated letting him go. "Tyler, if I let go, do you promise to stay with me?" He felt Tyler nod against his shirt. "Tyler I need to hear you say it."  
"I won't run," he mumbled.  
"Alright, I'm letting go," Josh told him as he moved his hands from around him and slid them down to hold Tyler's hands by the wrists before he could begin to wring them.

"You okay?"  
"Yeah," he blatantly lied.  
"Listen Ty, Lily told me what happened today and I-"  
"Lily?" Tyler interrupted, avoiding eye contact with Josh as tears ran down his face and his whole body shook.  
"Yes Lily, she's been looking after you honey,"  
"I know, I'm not an idiot."  
"No you're not, that's not what I meant-"  
"Where is she?" He demanded with a shaky voice, Josh had to hold his hand tight as he tried to pull it towards his own face.  
"She's in the kitchen sweetie, but as I was saying-"  
"Let me go, I want to see her."  
"Tyler I don't think that's a good idea right now."  
"Josh please, you're hurting me." He whimpered, the tears still falling.

Josh looked down and saw the scarred skin on Tyler's wrists had turned white where his grip pressed hard. He loosened his grasp a little, but not enough for Tyler to wiggle free despite his best efforts.

"Tyler I'm sorry, but it's the safest thing for you right now." Josh tried to explain, but Tyler seemed distracted as he stared at his feet. Then suddenly he used his left foot to aggressively stamp on his right foot over and over again. "Tyler stop it," Josh firmly told him, and quickly helped Tyler to sit back down on the sofa behind him.

Josh sat next to him and let go of his wrists, instead placing one arm around Tyler's shoulders and the other across his knees and pulled him so he leant against him. Tyler was shaking but Josh held him tight.

"Josh I'm scared." Tyler whispered.  
"I know you are Ty,"  
"I'm so scared,"  
"I'm here, I'm here babe. But this will pass. We just need to sit it out, it sucks I know. I also know you hate it, but do you think we should try the 5 4 3 2 1 grounding technique that Dr Wakefield recommends?"  
"It's stupid,"  
"Please try it Ty, it might help. For me?"  
"K,"  
"Thank you, 5 things you can see."  
"Uh, a window, the coffee table, bookcase," he stopped to sniff and wipe his face with the back of his sleeve, "plant, and uh, pillows."  
"Okay good, 4 things you can hear."  
"Uh," Tyler thought for a moment, before dropping his head back on Josh's shoulder and crying. "Josh I can't, I can't hear anything except my stupid stupid head."

He began to hit his forehead with the palm of his hand but Josh quickly caught it and held it, this time in a comforting way rather than restricting.

"It's okay Ty, I'll help you with this one. Can you hear me? My voice?"  
"Yes,"  
"That's one, then how about my breathing? Deep in, deep out. Try and copy if you can, yeah?"  
"I hear,"  
"Good, that's us half way done already. Now can you hear Lily in the kitchen? I think she's running the tap." Tyler nodded. "Final thing I can hear is the birds outside, they're all getting ready for bed. Do you hear them?" Josh asked, and Tyler took a moment to quieten his erratic breathing.  
"They're swifts," he stated.  
"How do you know that?" Josh asked in amazement, and Tyler shrugged with a small smile.

"You're full of surprises Mr Dun-Joseph. Are you alright to name 3 things you can feel by yourself?"  
"Yeah, the sofa underneath my legs, the blanket fallen on my foot, and you holding me." He answered quickly, looking at each as he said it.  
"Almost done, two things you can smell."  
"The lavender in the corner, and you're gross new cologne."  
"Cheeky, but thanks for noticing I suppose. Finish it off with 1 slow, deep breath." Josh said, and Tyler followed the instruction.

"Did that help?"  
"A bit. Please can we go to the kitchen now? I won't try anything."  
"I'll watch out for anything don't worry, yeah let's go." Josh said as he stood and continued to hold Tyler's hand.

 

"Hi Lily," Tyler said with a shaky breath as they entered the kitchen.  
"Hey Ty, can I have a hug?" She asked cautiously, but with a smile.  
"Yeah," he nodded, and she walked towards him with her arms open wide.

Josh let go of his hand and he let Lily squeeze him tight but made no attempt to hug her back. After a few seconds Tyler began to squirm and Lily quickly let him go.

"Sorry," she apologised.  
"You're okay Tyler, let's sit down somewhere." Josh comforted, keen to deescalate the situation as soon as possible. "Are you okay on a high bar stool or would you rather go somewhere more comfortable?"  
"Here's fine." Tyler said, pulling at his hoodie sleeves.

"Do you want a drink?" Josh asked once Tyler sat down.  
"Water please," he whispered.  
"Lily can I get you anything?"  
"No thank you, I just got myself some water too." She answered as she sat back down on her seat next to Tyler.

He flinched away slightly and she noticed.

"Tyler I'm sorry, I can sit somewhere else if you want, or I can just go home."  
"Don't, sorry, I can't help it. It's not your fault, it's mine." Tyler said to her, his voice breaking as he pulled more and more aggressively on the fabric covering his hands.  
"Woah, careful there Ty, you're gonna rip the sleeves off my hoodie, like some sort of action character," Josh said lightheartedly as he set the filled plastic cup down on the surface in front of Tyler.

He had opted for plastic rather than glass as in the past there had been incidents where Tyler impulsively smashed the glass into sharp shards and hurt himself, and Josh thought it was better to be safe than sorry.

"Aw that's sweet Tyler, you're wearing his hoodie. You two are cute." Lily cooed,  
"Yup we are," Josh answered, and leaned in to kiss his husband. Tyler backed away and burst into a fresh set of tears.

"Tyler, that was my mistake, I'm sorry. Ty we don't have to do anything until you're ready, take all the time you need. There's no pressure honey, we are going to take things at your pace. Try to take a deep breath,"  
"Josh I think I'm going to go, you two clearly need some time." Lily said as she got off her chair whilst Josh held Tyler's hands as he tried to control his breathing.

"No you can't!" Tyler explosively screamed at Lily, taking them both by surprise. Lily didn't know how to react and stood in stunned silence, staring at him. "You can't go yet, you need to have dinner." He growled aggressively, but emotion seeped in and he choked the last words through tears.

"Tyler. Look at me." Josh told him, but he continued to stare back at Lily. "Tyler, look this way," he repeated, and this time Tyler obeyed. "Sweetheart, Lily can go home if she wants. I don't know what evil words are being fed into your head right now but I promise that she will be safe and will come to no harm. She wants the best for you, just like you do for her; I think maybe she's right, and we need some time to calm down, yeah? She'll be safe I promise."  
"No no no no, you don't understand Josh."  
"Tyler I do, but that was a set of four and you've had a horrible day so I think it's time we let Lily go home so we-"  
"Stop stop stop stop it Josh. This isn't about me, this is about Lily Lily Lily Lily" Tyler cried, stopping as a sob escaped, "she needs dinner, we need to give her dinner. She doesn't eat anymore Josh, she never eats,"  
"That's not true," Lily quickly interjected, flustered by the accusation.

"Tyler, honey, I think you're remembering the old anorexia days, but they're in the past and she's all better now. She's recovered, just like I know you are on your way to becoming. But you need to calm down,"  
"Josh she doesn't eat," Tyler desperately repeated.  
"I do, Tyler you're sick and confused, I'm fine." Lily snapped.  
"Lily you need to rein it in too, I believe you but now is not the time." Josh told her, anxious to calm them both before Tyler flipped again.

"I'm leaving." She declared as she picked up her purse and walked out of the kitchen.

"You can't!" Tyler screamed again but she was already gone.

Tyler tried to chase after her but the kitchen door slammed and he couldn't bring himself to touch the handle. Instead he yelled out in frustration before shrinking to the ground and wrapping his arms around his legs and pushing his head deep into his knees.

"Tyler, it's just us now, so focus on me and nothing else."  
"No no no no no no no no,"  
"Ty, it's okay,"  
"I'm an idiot I'm an idiot I'm an-"  
"You are not an idiot Tyler, you're the furthest thing from it in fact. Now come on, let's get off the floor and sit somewhere more comfortable." Josh attempted to calm Tyler, crouching down next to him.

"She's right. I'm just sick and confused, sick sick sick sick idiot who doesn't deserve you or Lily or-"  
"Stop it Tyler, stop right there. Yes you're unwell, yes you get confused, but that doesn't have any effect on the way I feel about you. If anything, it makes me love you more. I've told you this hundreds of times and I'll tell you hundreds more if that's what it takes for you to believe me. You're amazing, Ty, and there's nothing you can say or do which is going to change that."

"Josh I need out, please," Tyler begged, scratching at his face.  
"No. Tyler, I'm never going to help or let you do that."  
"I don't mean that, I mean I need to get out of this room."  
"Oh, sorry, I misunderstood. Yes I think that's a good idea, I'll open the door for you if you let me follow you."


	7. Chapter 7

//This chapter follows Tyler and his thoughts//

_~_

_Run, faster, he's closer he's closer_ **_he's chasing you_ ** _quicker, go quicker you're pathetic. Look back. Look back and stare him in the cold dead eyes. DON'T LOOK BACK YOU DUMB SHIT. He's seen you, he's coming for you. He's coming for Josh. Run, protect him. LET HIM BURN. He makes you_ **_weak_ ** _, quicker quicker. Run, run as fast as you can, can't catch me I'm the REASON YOU WATCHED HIM BURN. Run if you give a damn._ **_Give up_ ** _. He's chasing you. Turn left turn right, it ALL ENDS THE SAME. You know it_ **_all ends the same. With a hangman's noose._ **

**_~_ **

"Tyler, Tyler honey wake up," **_TWO, he said two, he fucking hates you,_ ** Josh woke Tyler, gently shaking his shoulder. **_His hand is going to fall off, that's your fault._ **

"Morning," Tyler whispered, rubbing at his eyes.

"How are you feeling?" Josh asked, smiling.

"I'm okay, sorry about yesterday." Tyler answered as he propped himself up against the headboard **_slam your head, bash it Tyler, you deserve to feel pain, I want to feel pain_ **

"Don't apologise." **_Don't let him touch you_** "I love you, Ty," **_he's trying to manipulate you, use you, don't trust him, he doesn't love you_**

"I love you too, always." **_WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT, dumb FUCK._ ** "Josh, please can you get me some water?"

"Yeah, of course, can you pass me the glass?" He asked, gesturing towards side table. **_If you touch it, I'll kill Josh. He'll burn and it will be your fault. Burn burn burn burn._ ** Tyler didn't move, and Josh quickly caught on.

"It's okay, I'll get it sweetie." Josh said as he walked around the bed and picked up the empty glass, then walked to the bathroom to fill it.

 **_Tyler he's gone, run RUN, you're free, you have to leave, you have to get out, just RUN. FUCKING RUN. Don't run, he's the only person who puts up with your pathetic excuse of a life. You have to stay. WHY THE FUCK AREN'T YOU RUNNING, HE'S COMING BACK and he's going to rip your FUCKING -_ ** "Tyler, look at me." Josh said, interrupting Tyler's thoughts.

He hadn't noticed that Josh had reentered the bedroom and was holding the glass out in front of him. "Do you need me to put the glass on the sidetable?"

"No, it's okay, I'll take it." Tyler answered and Josh passed him the water. **_Smash the glass. Smash it against your fucking skin, use the shards to rip at it over and over. I want to see you bleed. You need to bleed, show me YOUR FUCKING FLESH OR I'LL SHOW YOU JOSH'S I SWEAR TO GOD. CALL MY BLUFF I FUCKING DARE YOU._ **

"Tyler, should I open your drawer and get out your medication for you?" Josh asked, standing next to Tyler's side of the bed. **_If he touches the handle I'll burn him. You'll burn him. He'll die,_ **

"No," Tyler blurted out. **_IDIOT, you made it too obvious, attention seeking piece of CRAP. He knows, he knows that you know he's trying to kill you. He's going to kill you, RUN_ **

"Okay honey, you do it then." Josh gently instructed him. **_Tyler it's dirty. If you touch it you will be dirty scum too. Dirty dirty dirty dirty._ **

"I don't think I can," Tyler admitted. **_WEAK, you're making yourself weak and pathetic_ **

"Alright Ty, but we have to take them yeah? Remember what Dr Casey said. I'm going to open the drawer quickly and empty the-" **_he will burn, burn BURN BURN._ **

**_"_ ** No, sorry Josh, I can't let you do that." **_BURN BURN BURN BURN_ **

"Tyler focus on me, block out the other voices. They're lying, ignore them." **_I'm not lying, he's lying. I don't lie to you Tyler, I'm part of you, I care about you, I'm helping._ ** "Tyler, stay with me love, don't get distracted." **_He's trying to distract you, he's trying to distract you from me. He's trying to kill himself, don't let him. He needs you to protect him. Protect him._ ** "Tyler, look at me. I can go downstairs and get this morning's pills from the blister packets in the cabinet if that would make you feel better. That way nobody touches the drawer."

"Yes, do that, quickly please." Tyler replied hurriedly before the intrusive thoughts could begin. Josh ran out of the room and Tyler heard his footsteps racing down the stairs.

**_He's in danger. Tyler you didn't check the stove. You didn't check the stove. You left the knob on, all the gas is leaking. There's going to be an explosion. You didn't check. You should have checked.  Josh is in danger, it's your fault. You should have checked._**

"Josh?" Tyler called out scared, "Josh!" He repeated louder. **_Two, disgusting, do it properly_ ** "Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh!" **_That's six, you're doing it wrong, you're doing everything wrong_ ** "Josh, Josh," **_you're a fucking idiot, that was only two. Four. Four is the only way to protect him. FUCKING DO IT. DON'T YOU WANT TO FUCKING SAVE HIM._ ** "Josh Josh Josh Josh Josh Josh Josh," Tyler repeated over and over again quietly as he began to cry, not sure when to stop.

"Tyler, I'm here," Josh said as he ran back into the room with a small pot of pills. He put them on the side and sat on the bed next to his crying husband. "I'm sorry I left, but I'm here now. You can stop saying my name, I'm okay." **_Don't stop, he's going to die if you stop._ ** "Tyler, it's okay, nothing's going to happen if you stop, ignore it." **_Lies, listen to me Tyler. Trust me Tyler. If you stop, he dies._ ** "Tyler can I touch you?" **_Your skin, it's crawling with germs, he touches, he dies. Crawling, they're crawling, crawling all over you._ **

"No no no no, get back, get away from me." Tyler shouted through his tears. **_Make him leave, he's not safe with you. You're dangerous Tyler._ **

"Tyler, take your medication, it will help. I got you a dose of PRN as well as the usual if you need it. I'm not going to touch you or force you, just help you out a bit." **_The pills are poison. They're poison. They're poisoned. They'll poison you. They'll poison me. They'll poison us. They want to poison us. Don't fucking let them. When I kill you, it's my choice, it's my way. When you kill us, and you will, you need to do it my way. My way. Gallows knot. The four branch oak. Austy Wood._ **

"Shut the fuck up, shut up!" Tyler screamed, **_You don't get to tell me what to do, fucking asshole, you're nothing without me._ **

"Tyler I'm trying to help,-"

"Josh I'm not yelling at you," Tyler snapped. **_Yell at Josh, like the jackass you are, he'll leave you, just like everybody else. You deserve it. You deserve to be alone. Stop yelling at him, you're scaring him. Yell at him. Kill yourself. Austy Wood._ **

"Sorry sweetheart, are they loud?" Josh asked, **_go on Tyler, are we loud? Are we loud? Am I loud? I can be as FUCKING LOUD AS I WANT, or I can whisper nice and quiet, either way  you do the fuck I tell you to because you're. weak. Weak, pathetic Tyler. I've got you right where I want you, and you know it. Let's play a game, Ty Ty. Touch the table._**

Tyler tapped the bedside table four times with his fourth finger.

**_Easy. Didn't even have to tell you four. You're like a rat, who knows he's going to get a shock. Pathetic, trained Ty Ty. Next, go to the bathroom._**

"Tyler, Tyler where are you going?" Josh asked concerned, but Tyler didn't answer. **_Walk properly, shithead, left foot first, no not there, go back, make it right, do it properly. Don't step on the shadows from the blinds, idiot. Right foot between the third and fourth shadow. Do it properly. You never do it right, it's wrong wrong WRONG WRONG. Now turn the FUCKING taps on, both, fully. I'm going to make you flood the bathroom, why? because I can._**

Tyler turned the taps eight rotations each, and they began to fill the sink, the water level quickly rising. Soon it began to lap at the top of the bowl, and the water volume increased quicker than the precautionary drain could get rid of it. It splashed over and only moments after Tyler had acted on the compulsion, water was splashing down on his feet and a puddle began to grow around him.

**_Don't move, Ty Ty. Keep your hands on the taps, keep your feet in the stream. If you move, you lose. And if you lose, Josh dies._**

"Oh sweetie, let me turn them off," Josh said as he walked after Tyler and discovered the situation. Tyler's grip remained on the taps, but Josh was able to twist them regardless.

"Tyler, it's not a problem honey, I can tidy this up, you go back into the bedroom and stay there." **_Move, you lose._ ** "Sweetie, whatever they're saying, ignore it, I'll fix the mess and make it better. You need to let go of the taps and get changed into some dry clothes, okay?" **_Tell him okay. Go back to the bedroom._ **

"Okay," Tyler whispered, staring into the distance as tears rolled down his face. **_You're going to like this one, Ty Ty, go back to the fucking bedroom. Go, fucking walk, do it fucking properly, do it right, left foot first._**

Tyler obeyed and shakily walked back into the bedroom, leaving wet footprints with each carefully placed step. He could vaguely hear Josh talking to him as he cleaned the bathroom floor with a towel, but Tyler couldn't make out the words. Every other sound blurred to background noise as he was ordered around by the incessant screams in his head. **_This is fun, isn't it Ty Ty. You're going to love this level. Open the drawer, quickly, quicker you fucking idiot. Take the pill organiser, open all the slots, pour them out. Stop shaking you fucking idiot. Sort them, make them right. Sort them. Colour. Size. Sort them. They're wrong wrong wrong wrong. Sort them. Doesn't that feel right? Sort them all. Lines of four. Colour. Size. Make them right, straight lines, wrong wrong, STRAIGHT LINES, IDIOT. Now, let's mess with Josh, let's fucking terrify him. It'll be easy, he always expects the worse of you. He always expects you to give in because he knows how weak and pathetic you are. Pathetic. Let's overdose. That will scare him. That will be hilarious. Won't it Tyler? Hilarious. Do it._**

Tyler dug his nails deep into his palms are squeezed his eyes tightly shut. He stood up from the bed where he sat to sort the medication, and tried to walk away from the exactly arranged pills on top of the table but couldn't bring himself to. **_Tyler, take the fucking pills, don't you dare tell Josh. He's not here, if he cared, he'd be here. Don't tell him, let him find you dead. Take the pills. Take them all. NOW, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. HURRY UP, pathetic waste of space._**

"Josh, I need you," Tyler called out desperately. Josh heard him and instantly stopped tidying the flooded bathroom and ran towards him. He saw the pills and immediately pulled Tyler into a tight hug. At first Tyler resisted and stood stiff, but after a moment he broke down in uncontrollable sobs and Josh had to hold him up to stop him falling to the ground.

"Tyler, I've got you, I've got you,"

 

 

"Okay sweetheart, I phoned Janet and got the day off work, and I phoned Lily at the hospital and explained you're not going in today. It's just us - you and me - for the whole day." Josh said as he walked back into the bedroom **_, he's walking wrong,_ ** he stopped at the dresser and rinsed his hands with purell before laying down on the bed next to Tyler. "It's been 45 minutes, so the medication should have kicked in by now, how are you holding up? Honestly," **_45 is wrong,_ **

"Bit better, it's calmer now. Still there, but it always is." Tyler answered slowly, his voice deep and sore from the recent yelling.

"That's good, and one day we'll beat it entirely," **_I'm not an it, and no you won't_ ** "but for now, calmer is good enough. Let me know when you need some more PRN because I want to keep on top of things today." Josh said to Tyler, stopping to stroke his partner's hair.

They were both laying on their sides facing each other, and they were both now in Josh's dry clothes.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, Ty, but I think this new lorazepam stuff is better, you seem a lot more relaxed faster."

"Yeah," Tyler replied passively, reiterating with a nod against the pillow.

"Tired?"

"Mm," he said whilst slowly nodding again, "but I always am." **_Lazy Ty Ty_ **

"Do you want to go back to sleep?" **_We can have fun once you close your eyes_ **

"I don't think I can."

"Okay, we can just take things slow today," Josh reassured Tyler,

"Thank you,"

"Tyler babe, when did you last eat anything?"

"I don't remember,"

"I know we couldn't manage dinner last night, but did you have any lunch or breakfast?" **_Why does he say we? He means you. You couldn't. And because of that, he starved himself._ **

"Um, I definitely didn't have lunch because I was, uh, you know. But I'm pretty sure I had an apple for breakfast."

"I know you don't feel hungry, but will you please try and eat something for me?"

"I'm fine,"

"Tyler."

"Okay, but can we just wait here for a few more minutes, please."

 

 

Tyler tried to watch the movie Josh put on after they had attempted to eat lunch, he tried really hard, but he kept getting distracted by the ticking numbers displayed on the DVD player underneath the television.

1:14:17 was a bad time, the digits added to 14, which added to 5 which wasn't a multiple of 4, so he had to hold his breath. A few seconds later it was 1:14:25 and that added then added again to give 4 so Tyler could quickly breathe in.

"Tyler, can I pause it and talk to you about something?" Josh asked, taking his hand out from under the blanket they were sharing to reach for the remote control.

"Uh, yeh." **_This is it. He's leaving you. He's leaving you, you're too much and he can't handle it anymore. I told you this would happen. You're not good enough, you're never going to be good enough, you-_ **

"Sweetie, first know there's no pressure or obligation," **_you're going to lose him, you should have treated him better, idiot, fucking idiot_ ** "Tyler, look at me, it's nothing bad I promise. I've just been thinking about your birthday, that's all."

"Oh, um, when is it?"

"Your birthday? It's December 1st honey." **_He thinks you're an idiot who doesn't know his own birthday. Idiot idiot idiot idiot._ **

"No I know, but I don't know the date today, what day is it actually on?"

"Sorry, my bad, today is Friday 27th which means your birthday is on Tuesday. Now I know we haven't celebrated it for the last couple of years and we don't have to this year if you don't feel up to it, but maybe we should at least consider doing something? It can be as small as me getting you a card, or something bigger like dinner with friends and family. It's up to you."

"Turning 27 isn't significant though," **_you're not significant Tyler_ **

"Well I think that every birthday is worth celebrating, and 27 means a fresh start, it means leaving this crappy year behind. If you do want to do something then let me know, you don't have to decide now." Josh said, not breaking eye contact with Tyler. They sat in silence for a moment whilst Tyler thought about the proposition.

"Yeah, let's do it."

"Wait, are you sure?" Josh asked, not attempting to disguise his surprise.

"What the hell, let's celebrate." Tyler confirmed in a low voice, and was relieved that he shocked the intrusive thoughts into silence as well.

"I'm so proud of you," Josh told him truthfully, it was evident from the beaming smile now plastered across his face.

"It could be a complete disaster,"

"Very potentially, or it could be a great day. Either way, I'm proud of you for trying." Josh said, still smiling and they both chuckled. "So what do you want to do?" **_You want to kill yourself_ **

"Not sure, uh, I don't really want to go out."

"No that's alright, maybe next year yeah? For now we can have a nice meal in, I can cook something or we could get takeout?"

"Umm," **_decisions. Make the fucking decisions. Don't get it wrong, or he'll hate you. Hurry up. HURRY UP, DON'T MAKE THE WRONG CHOICE. HURRY, FUCKING PATHETIC PIECE OF CRAP._ **

"Tyler we don't have to do anything babe," Josh comforted, noticing the familiar distance in Tyler's eyes.

"No no I want to, um, can you get us tacos?" Tyler said, wiping away a tear that he hadn't noticed forming.

"Taco Bell takeout, check. Aw I'm looking forward to th-"

"Can we invite my parents?" Tyler blurted out.

"What?" **_He's mad at you, he fucking hates you, kill yourself,_ **

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't mean to interrupt, sorry sorry sorry sorry." **_You're scum, pathetic, waste of space. Nobody needs a rude waste of space. Nobody needs you, Ty Ty. Make them need you. Show Josh how much he needs you. Take a fucking blade and press it deep, deep, into your wrist. I know you want to. I know you miss it._ **

"Tyler, it's okay, calm down honey. You're shaking, take a deep breath." Josh said as he moved down the sofa so he was next to Tyler who was struggling to stay grounded.

"Come here," he said and Tyler lent his head on Josh's shoulder. "I'm not going to let this get any worse okay sweetie. I have PRN in my pocket, or we can talk it through, or both." Josh whispered, his lips loosely pressing against Tyler's head. **_Cut yourself, scum, I want to see you bleed,_ **

"Pills please," Tyler asked shakily, and Josh dug the pack out of his pocket and removed 4 pills before putting the half empty pack on the side table.

He picked up his can of Red Bull and passed the pills and the drink to Tyler. **_Don't you fucking dare, you're disgusting. Fuck you Tyler. You realise how disgusting that Red B_** ** _ull can is, coated in millions of disgusting germs, they're seeping through your fingertips, seeping through your skin, crawling through your skin, crawling through you, making you sick, making you infectious, making you dangerous. You're going to kill Josh. Can't you feel them crawling through you. They're all over you. They're all over you, you're disgusting, get them out, scratch them out, cut them out, bleed them out._ **

"Tyler babe talk to me, what's stopping you take them?" Josh said concerned.

Tyler tried to tell him that he needed water, but the only sounds that came out of his mouth were sobs. **_Go to the guest bedroom, I know you listened to me and keep a blade hidden in the wardrobe. This is an emergency. Be quick, be QUICK. Stop being pathetic. HURRY UP, THEY'RE CRAWLING THROUGH YOUR VEINS. Protect Josh. PROTECT HIM, scumbag. Get the fucking blade and slice. COME ON._**

"Tyler, let's go somewhere else." He heard Josh say, and he felt the can and the pills be taken from his hands, then Josh pulling him to his feet. **_Push the blade through your wrist. Do it. Get the fucking blade and do it. You miss it. Miss the power it gave you. Miss the control it gave you._**

"Sweetheart let's go to the kitchen," Josh said as he half guided half pushed Tyler to the other room. Tyler's tears blurred his vision and he stumbled a few times but Josh's grip around his waist and hand kept him up.

"Wait here a second honey, I'll get you a glass of water." Josh said once they arrived at the breakfast bar, before leaving Tyler and grabbing a glass from the cabinet and filling it at the tap. **_The knife drawer is right there. Stop being a pussy, take the fucking knife, take control, Josh will have to obey you if you threaten to cut yourself. You'll have control. Just take the fucking knife. Do it. Grab it. Bleed for me Tyler. Show me you can still do it. Show me you can go deep, fucking SHOW ME. PROVE TO ME,_ **

Josh turned around and noticed Tyler staring at the knife drawer in tears. He could tell Tyler was fighting the urges, but he could also tell how close to giving in he was. As Josh stepped forwards, Tyler lunged. Their bodies collided and Tyler couldn't reach the handle, he frantically grabbed for it over and over but Josh held him back and eventually Tyler stopped fighting and collapsed against him.

"Tyler, you don't need to do it, in fact you don't need to do anything they say. Just listen to me, I've got you, it's going to be alright, you're going to be okay. You're going to be okay." Josh said as Tyler cried against his torso as they sat on the floor. "And Tyler, shh, shh listen to me honey, Ty yes, of course your parents can come."


	8. Chapter 8

//Back to Josh now//

 

"Okay Kelly, thanks again, I'm looking forward to it too, yeah, yeah hopefully, see you soon, bye." Josh said before hanging up the phone and washing his hands with purell.  

Tyler was in the shower and he wouldn't know if Josh hadn't cleaned, but it was a habit that he preferred to stick to.

He walked to the ensuite bathroom and knocked on the door four times with his knuckle. The shower had been running for over an hour but Tyler didn't stop it to talk.

"Yeah?" He yelled,  
"You almost done honey?" Josh asked loudly through the door.  
"Almost,"  
"Good, I called your mom and I'll tell you what we planned once you're out."  
"What?" Tyler called, not hearing Josh.  
"I called your mom," Josh repeated.

He heard the shower turn off and a minute later Tyler opened the door with a towel wrapped round his waist, water still dripping from his hair.

"And? How is she?" He asked, a smile on his face.  
"She's really well, she told me to say hello and that she loves and misses you,"  
"Aw, what else did she say?" Tyler asked joyfully as they walked into the middle of the bedroom and sat on the bed.

"Her and your dad are still living with Zack and Tatum and their new baby. They've called the baby Ben and apparently he's nothing but smiles, and he's healthy and doing well. We're more than welcome to visit at any time. Also Zack sends his love."  
"Aw that's sweet, Ben's a cute name."  
"He sounds like a good kid, I can show you some photos she sent me if you'd like, he's got Zack's nose."  
"Maybe later, what else did she say? How's my dad?"  
"She said the basketball team he coaches have been winning a lot recently so he's in a good mood, but she reckons he needs to get some time away from Ben, so.." Josh said, dragging out the final word.

"So what you doofus?" Tyler said smiling, pushing Josh's chest causing him to dramatically roll over on the bed. "So what?" He shouted again with a few playful smile.

"So they're coming to visit on Tuesday." Josh quickly told him, laughing as Tyler's smile grew even bigger.

"They're coming for my birthday?" Tyler said in happy realisation.  
"They're coming for your birthday."  
"Thank you so much Josh, wow, I feel like crying, wow, I'm going to see my parents,"  
"No tears please mister, got enough of those as it is. I'm really pleased for you Ty, and really proud."

"You're gonna stay with me right?"  
"Every step of the way, promise." Josh reassured,  
"Thank you, I don't know what I'd do without you."  
"I don't know either," Josh kidded,

"There's a few details that your mom wanted us to discuss before they arrive, but either way they're coming."  
"What kind of details? Let's sort them now, then you can call her back and put her on speaker and I can say hi."  
"Wow, you're really going for it aren't you," Josh said with pride and shock; Tyler hadn't used a phone in months.

"Yeah, I mean she's my mom, I love her and I freaking miss her."  
"I know you do, but not long to wait now."  
"I'm really excited, what details does she need?"  
"She just wants to know what time to arrive and leave, what to bring and any particular dos and don'ts."  
"Oh okay, um."  
"Firstly, presents or no presents?"  
"No presents this year, that includes you please."  
"Okay I won't," Josh promised, "What timings do you want them to be here?"  
"I'm not sure, what do I usually do?"  
"Tuesday is usually Dr Wakefield 10 till 11, then ERP therapy 11.15 till 12, back home for lunch with Amanda starting at 1.30 until 3. I'll be home at 6. What are you thinking?"

  
"I want you to be here when they arrive." Tyler said innocently, calming down a little from his initial excitement.  
"Okay I will be, would you prefer them to arrive after 6, or for me to leave work early?"  
"I'm not sure,"  
"It's probably best if I leave work an hour or two early, and if I take the Camaro then I won't need to rely on the train schedule. I just think it's a long way for them to drive back to Zack's from here afterwards so they don't want to be leaving too late, and I don't think it's wise for us to offer them the night here just yet. If we aim to be eating by 6 then it's not too far off from our usual timings so hopefully you'll be alright, it shouldn't last more than 2 or 3 hours, so that'll mean they should be at Zack's by 10."

"How about we tell them 5 till 9." Tyler suggested,  
"5 till 9 sounds perfect, and 4 hours so that's an added bonus to keep that head of yours quiet."  
"Will you leave work at 4 as well please?"  
"Okay yeah,"

"Thank you, also can you please cancel the ERP therapy. It's my birthday, I don't want to be doing that nasty stuff."  
"That's the exposure therapy thing right?" Josh asked,  
"Right."  
"Go on then, but it's a one off, back to normal next week."  
"Yes sir, thank you sir," Tyler replied with a mocking salute.

Josh laughed and pushed him, Tyler flopped down flat against the bed and giggled, then Josh laid next to him.

"You'll look after me right?" He asked seriously once he stopped laughing.  
"Tyler I'm always going to look after you; even when we're old and our hair's white and we don't know which way is up and you're sick of me, I'm still going to look after you. And I promise that I'm going to do everything I possibly can to make sure Tuesday is a success. We're a team and that's never going to change. I'm sure things will go smoothly and we'll have a good day, and even if it doesn't, things will be alright in the long run. They're your parents, they're going to love and support you no matter what happens at one dinner. Nothing bad can come of trying. I can't begin to explain how much progress you've made already, I'm still a little shocked, you're doing beyond amazing and I know that will continue through your birthday and the time to come afterwards. I know you're going to be absolutely fine, you can do this."  
"Thank you,"  
"I mean it sweetheart, now go put on some clothes and we'll have breakfast then talk to your mom on speakerphone."

 

 

  
"Yeah, yeah definitely," Josh said down the phone to Kelly as he reached for a post-it note and scribbled something down, then showed it to Tyler who was pacing as he waited.

  
_You ready?_

  
Tyler firmly nodded, uncertainty in his eyes, and stopped directly beside Josh.

"Yeah, listen Kelly, there's somebody here who wants to speak to you, yeah, let me put you on speakerphone, one sec," Josh said then pressed a button on the screen before holding the iPhone by his fingertips between him and Tyler.

"Mom? Mom, hi, it's me, it's Tyler," he said nervously, wringing his hands.  
"Tyler? Oh baby it's so good to hear your voice," she said in delight.  
"I'm so sorry Mom, I should have called sooner." Tyler replied, getting emotional.  
"Baby it's okay, Momma understands it's hard. I've just been worried about you,"  
"I miss you Mom, so much," he told her and a tear rolled down his face.  
"I miss you too Ty. But Josh tells me we can come visit this week, is that okay baby?"  
"Yes Mom, yes that's okay."  
"Are you crying Tyler?"  
"Yeah,"  
"It's okay baby, so am I. But don't be upset sweetie, I'll see you in a few days and I'm going to give you the world's biggest hug and," she stopped for a moment, "Only if you can, we don't have to."  
"Of course I'll hug you,"  
"You're being such a brave boy." She told him down the line, and Tyler chuckled through the tears.  
"Mom I'm almost 27, I'm not a boy, I'm a big strong man." He said lightheartedly, causing Josh to smile.  
"Tyler you'll always be my baby boy. It doesn't make a difference whether you're 7 years old with a grazed knee or 27 years old battling your biggest demons, you're my baby and I'm proud of you."  
"Thank you Mom, that means a lot," Tyler thanked her, smiling at Josh.

"Mom, I'm going with Zack and Ben to- wait Mom are you crying? What's wrong, whose on the phone?" Jay said faintly in the background as he spoke to their mom in reality.  
"Jay it's Tyler," she told him.  
"Oh fuck, what happened? Is he okay?" Jay exclaimed loud enough for them to clearly hear.  
"No I mean it's actually him, now, on the phone, I'm talking to him." She told Jay, then addressed Tyler again,

"Tyler, your brother is here, can I put you on speakerphone as well?"  
"Uh, okay," Tyler said uncertainly.

Josh gestured for Tyler to hold his spare hand; the conversation had been going well and, although Tyler loved Jay, Josh was cautious that Tyler didn't get overwhelmed.

"Tyler my man, long time no speak, how you doing?" Jay hollered down the phone.  
"You know me, trooping through it all." Tyler answered, cowering a little from Jay's explosive energy.  
"Good to hear man, good to hear. I'm okay as well, thanks for asking," Jay replied jokingly but the look on Tyler's face suggested to Josh that he hadn't found it funny.

"Glad to discover your sneaky phone calls with Mom, when should I expect mine? Huh?" He stopped to laugh, "I mean we've got a nephew now mate. You have to come meet him quick, he's growing up fast-" Tyler suddenly tapped the red icon and cut him off, and Josh put the phone down on the table.

Tyler quickly but smoothly walked to the side cabinet and took out a bottle of purell, poured some into his hands, then threw the bottle to Josh who caught it and did the same.

"5, fridge, stove, plate, glass, breakfast bar. 4, my footsteps, Josh's breathing, the fridge humming and my breathing. 3, the tiles on the floor through my socks, the belt around my hips, the shirt on my shoulders. 2, the purell and the bacon. 1." Tyler quietly whispered under his breath as he slowly paced around the kitchen.

"Okay, okay I'm good." He reassured himself and Josh.

"Tyler, talk to me," Josh said as he stayed sat in his chair and watched Tyler calm himself down.  
"He was upsetting me, I felt pressured, but I'm okay now I promise."  
"You realise you're amazing don't you Ty." He said smiling,  
"What?" Tyler questioned.  
"You're amazing," Josh repeated, and Tyler smiled and let out a small laugh.  
"I just hung up on my mom, who I haven't seen or spoken to in the last 4 months, and my brother, who hasn't heard from me in 11 months. Most people would call me a jackass,"  
"Nope, you're amazing. You've made so much progress in the last 24 hours, I'm honestly in awe. All these plans we've made for your birthday, plus today using a phone and talking to your mom and your brother and touching the screen. Not only the act of actually pressing it, but also you taking care of yourself and removing the thing that's upsetting you, then calming yourself down perfectly. I know that every single one of those things is absolutely terrifying to you, and yet the only tears you spilt were because you love your mom. So yeah, you're amazing."

"You're such a flirt." Tyler teased as he blushed a little.  
"Well flirting's worked," Josh smiled, pointing to his wedding ring. "Mwahaha, you're stuck with me forever."  
"Darn it, stuck with the love of my life. What a shame." Tyler replied sarcastically, standing opposite Josh, who was still sat down. He played with the buttons on Josh's polo.

"And you were hardly a flirt when we were teens. I practically had to beg you to go on our first date." Tyler continued.  
"That's true, but probably had something to do with me dating Debby at the time."  
"That didn't stop you kissing me in my room when we were supposed to be doing that biology assignment."  
"What can I say? You're irresistible, even to a straight boy like me."  
"You're straight like a circle and we both knew it." Tyler teased before leaning in and pecking Josh's lips.

"Do you ever think about her?" Tyler asked and the conversation tone turned serious.  
"Debs?" Josh checked, pulling Tyler closer until he was sat on his lap.  
"Yeah, I know you two went through a lot together and she meant the world to you."  
"We certainly did. Yeah I think about her sometimes, but more often I think about what if, rather than about her specifically."  
"What sort of things do you imagine?" Tyler asked gently, aware he was probing at a sensitive topic.

"Why do I feel like I'm the one getting therapy?" Josh asked before nervously laughing it off.  
"Husband, therapist, they're basically the same thing. You don't have to tell me Josh, it's difficult I know."  
"No it's fine, I'll tell you. But first Tyler, know that I don't regret any of the choices I've made, because they've led me to where I am today, they've led me to you, and you make me so happy, and-" Josh started to nervously ramble.  
"Josh it's okay, I promise."

"Okay I'll give you an example. So you know it was thanksgiving the other day?" Josh said, Tyler nodded and stopped playing with the buttons, instead taking Josh's hands in his. "We didn't do anything and that's okay, it's your birthday soon and then it's Advent and Christmas, so I understand it's best to save up your bravery for those. But anyway, I was on Twitter and my sister-"  
"Abigail or Ashley?"  
"Abigail. Uh, she had tweeted a picture of all my extended family around the dinner table with a great feast in the middle, and she put the caption: I'm thankful to finally have all my family together in one room."  
"I'm sorry Josh,"  
"I couldn't help but think, what if I did what my father told me and proposed to Debby? Would we have gotten married? Would we still be married? Would we have children? Would we be in the picture? Would my family accept me as family? Would she still be here?"

"Josh," Tyler began, but Josh suddenly felt a lump rising in his throat and it made him feel sick and his breath shake, then tears began to form in his eyes and his vision went misty. Tyler quickly wrapped his arms around Josh and squeezed him tight.

"I'm sorry your family are homophobic assholes, but you are better off without them, you're a part of my family now and you always will be. And one day, we can have a family of our own." Tyler comforted him.

They hugged in silence for another minute, giving Josh time to think. Once he felt better, he let go and Tyler did the same.

"Do you want to go and see her?"  
"Yeah, but maybe tomorrow." Josh replied.  
"Okay handsome, we'll take her some flowers after we go to Church."  
"Thank you Tyler,"  
"It's okay. You've helped me out at least a gazillion times, so now I've hugged you for a minute, that makes us even."  
"I think a kiss may even the scales a bit more," Josh teased, feeling better. Tyler laughed before pressing his lips firmly against Josh's.

 

 

  
Josh stared at the ceiling above him. He could hear gentle snores coming from Tyler, who'd been asleep for the past hour, but his mind was racing far too quickly for him to sleep. Instead, he thought of Debby.

~

_Josh was 17, and he was sat in his old bedroom. Debby was there too, they had been working on homework for school together, like they did most nights._

_They attended the same school, been in the same classes since they were 4 years old; she lived on the opposite side of the street and the pair had been friends since they were toddlers. Except they weren't just friends anymore, they'd been dating for the past 18 months, much to Josh's parents' approval._

_Josh looked over at Debby, her copper hair was slightly waved and had fallen in front of her face as she focused on the paper she was writing._

_She must have sensed him staring because she looked across at him, and smiled that perfect smile when they made eye contact._

_"Whatcha looking at Dun?" She teased,_  
_"Just some idiot," he replied casually before laughing._

_She feigned offence, then threw a pencil at him playfully. It hit him in the arm, which he rubbed dramatically; he picked the pencil up and walked over to the headboard of his bed where she was leaning and sat next to her._

_"Have you started the biology assignment yet?" She asked as she repositioned herself to lean against him, and he wrapped one arm around her narrow shoulders._  
_"Not yet, but we've got ages so there's no rush."_  
_"And that is why you end up with so many detentions," she told him as she poked the end of his nose with her pen. "Whose your lab partner?"_  
_"That new transfer kid, Tyler something." He said, struggling to remember his surname._  
_"Oh the basketball guy," she replied, recognising who he was on about. "He's cute looking."_  
_"He seems a bit weird to me, too quiet."_  
_"Josh he's just moved schools, I'm not surprised he's quiet. He probably doesn't know anyone, I think we'd be quiet too if we moved to a new town and a new school and didn't have any friends."_  
_"You're such a humanitarian," he told her as he begrudgingly understood her point of view._  
_"I'm not taking that as an insult; please try and make friends with him?"_  
_"Do I have to?" Josh moaned with a smile._  
_"Yes mister," she said with an adorable snigger._

  
~

_  
Josh sat on the chair outside the changing room as he waited for Debby to try on the skater dress she saw in the window display. He fiddled with a piece of thread on his jeans, then looked up as he heard her call his name._

_"Josh, I don't think it's right, I'm just going to take it off."_  
_"Come on Debs, please let me see." Josh called back._  
_"Okay,_ I'm _coming out." She said, and he heard the door unlock._

_The skirt of her dress spun out as she turned to face him. Josh's jaw almost dropped; Debby was wearing a black dress, the shoulderless neck line ran parallel to her collar bones and the tight black sleeves ended three quarters of the way down her arms. The fabric fitted around her ribs snugly, accentuating her beautiful figure; two thin panels of semi-transparent black mesh ringed her waist marking the start of the flowing skirt that finished just above her knees._

_She looked down at herself and rocked on her feet awkwardly, her hair fell forwards and contrasted the black beautifully._  
_"Debby, you look amazing." He said as he rose to standing and tucked her hair behind her ear._  
_"Don't you think it's too tight?" She said, pinching at the fabric around her chest and repositioning it._  
_"No, it's perfect, you're perfect," Josh told her, taking one of her hands and spinning her around. She laughed and blushed a little._  
_"Thank you, will you check the label for me?" She asked and turned so her back was facing Josh. He scooped her soft hair up in one hand and read the label tucked inside. "How much is it?"_  
_"Don't you worry, I'll buy it for you sweetheart." He reassured her,_  
_"Babe_ you _don't have to do that,"_  
_"Debby, I want to. Go and get changed and then I'm buying it, no arguments." He told her, then kissed her and gently pushed her back towards the changing room._  
_"You're too good to me Dun," she said with a laugh as she locked the door._

_He sat back down on the seat and smiled to himself. He looked up as another guy walked down the corridor, as he got closer Josh realised it was Tyler._

_Tyler was carrying a dress in one hand, and stopped outside one of the changing rooms and knocked on the door._

_"Maddy? I got it in the other size," he called out, and the door unlocked and a slim hand slipped out and took the dress._

_"Oh hey, you go to my school right?" Tyler said as he noticed Josh._  
_"Yeah, I'm Josh, we're lab partners in Mrs Piper's biology class."_  
_"Thought I recognised you," Tyler said with a smile as he sat on one of the chairs._

 _"You've done well for yourself."_  
_"What do you mean?"_  
_"Been in town for a week and already got yourself a girlfriend," Josh expanded, gesturing towards the changing room._  
_"Oh," he stopped to laugh, "uh, I'm gay and she's my sister,"_  
_"Ah, my bad," Josh said, a little embarrassed._  
_"I take it you've been dragged here by a girlfriend then?"_

_"Dragged? You love it here, don't you babe," Debby joined in as she came out of the changing room in her jeans and Josh's hoodie.  
"Of course I do," he replied with a smirk, "Debby this is Tyler, Tyler, meet Debby."_

_"Hi," she said with a wave, "Do you want to go get some food with us? We're going to Taco Bell after this."_  
_"Uh, I'm actually here with my little sister so I better not, but thanks for the invite."_  
_"Another time though?" She asked with a smile._  
_"Yeah okay."_

 _"Give me your phone," Josh told him._  
_"What?" Tyler asked a little defensively._  
_"He means he wants to give you his cell number," Debby explained with a laugh, bumping Josh with her arm._

_  
~_

_  
"Debby, you have to actually push with your foot, you can't just tap the floor." Josh called after her as she attempted to skateboard down the road they grew up on._

_He burst into laughter as the board popped from under her and she chased it down the hill._

_"I got it!" She yelled triumphantly from the bottom, holding the board above her head and jumping up and down.  
"You're adorable but you're also terrible." He told her as she ran back up the slope._

_"Shut up, just because you're some sort of miracle man who can defy physics. I swear these things are impossible." She moaned as she put the board he bought her on the ground and pulled her ponytail tighter, then tucked her long bangs behind her ears.  
"You'll get it one day," Josh promised as he jumped on his own board and began tick-tacking in a circle around her. _

_"Fancy pants,"_  
_"You're just jealous." He teased, throwing in an ollie to show off._  
_"Me? Jealous? Why would I be jealous when I can do this." She said before laying on her chest on the board and pushing herself along the ground with her hands._

_"Weeeee," she cried out in delight as she picked up speed. Josh followed behind, almost falling off himself as he was laughing so hard.  
"Fine then, let's go into town, you can go the whole way like that." He mocked with a laugh as he overtook her and raced down the street. _

_Once he lost sight of her he stopped and sat on the curb and waited. As she slowly caught up with him and they made eye contact, he guiltily smirked._  
_"You're such a putz," she told him with an adorable pout._  
_"Aw I'm sorry littleone," he said as he stood up and walked towards her with his arms open wide. She wobbily stepped off the board and pulled her arms up against her own chest so he could wrap his arms around her petite body._

_He hugged her for a moment then suddenly roared and picked her up off the ground. She screamed as he threw her over his shoulder into a fireman's lift, then picked up their boards and began to run back to their houses. Her ponytail whipped him in the face with each stride and she screamed with laughter as she was jostled up and down._

  
~

  
As Josh focused on the good memories, he slowly felt himself get more tired and before long he fell asleep too.


	9. Chapter 9

As Tyler and Josh made their way out of the church hand in hand, Father Winston made eye contact with Josh from the main door he was holding open. Josh nodded a little, and Winston understood that meant he was okay to talk to them when they were closer.

"Great service Father, thank you," Tyler told him as they stood slightly to the side so they didn't inconvenience the steady queue of other church-goers leaving.

"I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it, I saw you step out for a moment, I hope I didn't say anything to upset you."  
"No no, I just needed a minute. Thank you again for letting me use your break room."  
"Don't mention it my son, you are more than welcome to use it whenever you feel the requirement. Everybody here is of similar thinking; we're all overjoyed you're back and will do whatever you feel would be helpful to aid you in continuing on your journey."  
"Thank you Father, for everything." Josh added.

"Now, boys, before you go on your way, did you have the opportunity to discuss my proposition?"  
"We did, and although he was honoured, Tyler's decided that this year is too soon. For the time being, we think we'll focus on coming to Mass." Josh told him, and squeezed Tyler's hand for reassurance.

"I understand completely. And Tyler, when the day comes that you are well enough to sing for us again then please don't hesitate to ask me for a position in a service. You're talented, and ultimately it's up to you to decide if and when you use that talent. Well done for recognising the potential for this to overwhelm you, that's a success in itself."  
"That's very kind of you Father," Tyler thanked him.  
"I'm sure you have plans to attend to, so I hope to see you both next week. Happy first day of Advent." The old man said as he shook Josh's hand, but didn't offer it to Tyler out of habit, which Tyler was grateful for.

"Happy Advent, bye," Josh replied with a firm shake.  
"Goodbye, thank you," Tyler said, and the pair walked down the path and out of the church.

Although they usually walked the short distance from their house to the church, that morning they had driven so they could continue the onward journey to visit Debby.

Josh opened the passenger seat door of the black 1967 Chevy Camaro, both as contamination avoidance and a courtesy, and Tyler slid in; Josh proceeded to walk around the front of the car and let himself in and within a few minutes they were fast on the way towards the town where Josh grew up.

"Listen, Ty," Josh began, focusing on the road in front of him. "We most likely won't, but on the off chance we see my family, don't do anything yeah?"  
"What do you mean?" He asked,  
"Well we're going to the church where they'll be attending Mass, and the Mass there lasts longer, so they might come out whilst we are still visiting. If you see them, don't do anything. Don't talk to them, don't look at them, don't react to them, just don't acknowledge them," Josh said, his knuckles white on the steering wheel.  
"Josh I already got my ass kicked by them once, I'm not gonna do anything to provoke them again."  
"Thank you,"  
"Because you know, knocking on your door was totally a justifiable reason to put me in hospital for eleven days," Tyler muttered bitterly.  
"I'm still so sorry about that,"  
"Don't be, it's not your fault they're intolerable homophobic assholes." Tyler spat the final few words.

"Sorry, I know they're still your family." Tyler apologised.  
"Not according to them." Josh said quietly,  
"Like I said yesterday, you're better off without them. But this trip isn't about them, this is about Debby, so let's not let their negativity poison that." Tyler said, uncharacteristically taking control.

"Did you bring anything for her?"  
"Uh yeah, I've got her copy of Looking for Alaska in the back," Josh answered, gesturing to his bag on the backseat with his thumb. "And if you don't mind and are comfortable with it, I want to swing by a florist and buy her a bunch of flowers."  
"Yeah that's fine, I'm doing okay today and I brought a dose of PRN with me in the glovebox in case I take a turn, so you just do what you need to do. Try not to worry about me, I'm here for you for a change. And for Debby of course."  
"Thanks sweetie," Josh said, relaxing a bit in his seat and smiling over at him.

"Do you know what flowers you're going to get? Did she have a favourite?"  
"I mean her favourite were buttercups, but florists don't exactly stock those and it's the wrong time of year so I'll just pick something pretty. But yeah, buttercups."  
"Is there a story behind that? You don't have to say," Tyler inquired sensitively,  
"Not so much a story, I just remember that my back garden would grow buttercups and hers would grow daisies in the spring, and we used to joke about swapping houses because we were both jealous of each other. And she used to like making buttercup chains and braiding them into her hair, sometimes lucky me would get a crown or something," he stopped and smiled to himself.  
"Like the photo of you two hung up in your office at home?" Tyler asked, referring to a photograph of Josh giving Debby a piggyback and running through a field at sunset, they were both laughing and had flowers in their hair.

"Yeah sorta, except that was at summer camp when we were 16. That was a good camp actually, it was a music camp and we went to it every year from when we were 9 until we were 17. Her mom knew the director so we used to get away with loads of stuff we probably shouldn't have. It was up by some lake in the middle of nowhere, and when we 12 or 13 we skived all our activities one day and stole a big canoe boat thing and rowed for about an hour straight and eventually found and explored this little island in the middle of the lake without telling anyone. We were missing for about 8 hours and we got yelled at but it was so worth it, it was awesome."  
"Aw, rebellious Josh,"  
"She led me astray." He said with a smirk,

"We were so cheeky now I'm looking back, but we never got in any serious trouble because she had this adorable innocent little smile and whenever she flashed it at whoever was mad at us, they would instantly forgive us. We used to call it her superpower."  
"I could have done with a friend with that power when I was a kid,"

"I wish you could have known her when you were younger,"  
"Yeah, I mean although it would have been lovely to have had a few extra years together, I don't need them to love her. I might have only known her for less than two years but they were some of the best months of my life."  
"Same. She loved you too ya know." Josh told Tyler.  
"I know. She never told me, but she showed me everyday."

"Yeah. I was thinking about her last night after you fell asleep, and I think she shipped us from when you first moved here."  
"You hated me when I started, don't even pretend." Tyler replied with a smile.  
"I didn't hate you, I just didn't know you."  
"That sounds like something Debby would have said,"  
"She did, pretty much." Josh said, reliving the same memory from the night before.

"What do you think she would say if she was here now?" Tyler asked,  
"I think she'd shout at me for breaking the speed limit, and then she'd hug you so damn tight and say some overused cliche but somehow make it sound like an original. She'd tell you that it's all going to be okay, and you've just got to keep on keeping on. Then she'd slap me on the arm and call me an idiot for leaving you and going to Indonesia after she died, then give me a high five for marrying you and make some comment like 'about time'. She'd probably make fun of the fact I'm still driving the same Camaro from when she taught me to drive, and hopefully she would tell us that we've done a good job these past couple of years and she's proud of us."

"I'm proud of us." Tyler stated after they sat in silence for a moment.  
"That makes three of us then." Josh said as they pulled to a halt outside the florist. "You okay alone for a few minutes whilst I dash in?" Tyler nodded, and Josh went to get the flowers.

 

 

  
Josh held Tyler's hand tight as they walked down the path that meandered through the cemetery. His breath caught in his throat as they passed the church, located in the middle of the grounds; mixed memories swarmed him and he felt as though he couldn't control his own body, couldn't force his lungs to choke in another mouthful of air.

"Josh are you okay?" Tyler asked, bringing him back to reality slightly. "Josh?"  
"Yeah sorry, I just, I haven't been here for a while that's all, brings it all back." He answered before shaking his head.

As he looked up again, his eye caught a piece of paper pinned to the notice board by the door.

~ _  
_

_Today's Mass service will be extended to celebrate the first Sunday of Advent_  
Worship our creator and commemorate Christ’s first coming  
As Israel longed for their Messiah to come, we long for our Saviour to come again  
Service lead by Pastor David White, assisted by youth leader Abigail Dun  
Expected time: 9am till 1.30pm

~

"Josh look, your sister is taking the service." Tyler pointed as he read the same notice, Josh didn't react, he didn't know how to react, so Tyler continued. "And look, it's not going to finish until 1.30, how long does that give us?"

Josh checked his watch.

"It's 12.50 now so we better be quick, I really don't want to see any of them." He said, and began to walk quickly towards where he knew Debby's grave was, Tyler was dragged along a few steps behind.

As the path ended and Josh began to walk across the grass, suddenly he felt Tyler stop abruptly. He turned around he saw Tyler standing with his toes on the very edge of the path, not touching any grass, and looking uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry I can't, I just can't."  
"It's okay Tyler, I'm not going to force you, you don't have to."  
"I can't."  
"Tyler you don't have to. Keep breathing sweetie," Josh comforted as Tyler began to shake a little.

"Are you going to be okay if I run and put these flowers down, then come straight back and we can go home?"  
"I, uh, I need to, um, I'm going to wait, I will wait over there, so uh, you, you talk to Debby, it's fine." Tyler tried to explain, but his erratic breathing and jumping thoughts resulted in an unclear sentence.

"Tyler, look me in the eyes, I want to talk to Tyler, not whatever intrusive thoughts are rattling around in that head of yours, I want Tyler to answer. Are you honestly okay to walk this out whilst I go to Debby? I won't be long, and I'll be right over there so you can see me if you walk around this section of path. Is that okay? You can say no." Josh said, maintaining eye contact throughout. Tyler contemplated the question for a moment before answering.

"I'll be okay, you go," he said slowly to make sure he said the words he intended. He then turned around and started walking up the path.

Josh knew he would simply pace until he felt better so he walked towards the grave with his bag over one shoulder and the bunch of flowers he had just bought in the other.

As he arrived at her white marble gravestone, he slipped the bag off his shoulder and put it on the slightly damp grass, then sat himself down on it. He read the engraving once more.

 __  
Debby Ryan  
May 13th 1988 - August 8th 2007  
Your life was a blessing, your memory a treasure,  
You're loved beyond words and missed beyond measure

 

"Hey Debby, it's your boy Josh here, sorry I haven't been around to talk much recently, I've just had a lot of stuff going on, but I know that's a pathetic excuse and I'm really sorry. I got you some flowers," he told her as he took the plastic wrapping off and arranged them in the glass vase that her parents had left there.

He opened up a pocket of the bag and shoved the wrapping in, then pulled out her copy of Looking for Alaska.

"I was hoping to read you some of your favourite book, but I think I might have to save it for another day. I'm here with Tyler, and I think he needs to go home, but he was talking about you earlier and he said he loves you. You should have seen him yesterday Debs, he was amazing, you would have been so proud. He's doing really well bless him, we're even having his parents round for a few hours for his birthday. I know you're looking out for him from up there, so please take extra special care of him on Tuesday. Thank you littleone." Josh stopped to sigh, and checked on Tyler who was pacing up and down whilst wringing his hands, but he seemed to be in control.

"It's weird Debs, I know that Abi is just a few hundred steps away, and most likely the rest of my family are too, and I'm absolutely terrified. It's that same feeling, the slowly twisting knife in my stomach, the invisible hand smothering me, the water filling my lungs, the exact same as when I was sat on your bed 9 years ago in tears as I finally told you I was bi. Of course you knew all along, but you always knew me better than I knew myself. You helped me then, so help me now. How do I stop being afraid? What else needs to happen for them to be satisfied and stop haunting me. I mean they've already screamed and scratched and hit and kicked me, they forced me into conversion therapy, they've thrown me out, they forced your parents to throw me out and forced me to sleep on the streets. They turned everyone against me, convinced everyone I was possessed by evil. My own dad almost killed my boyfriend. He hit him over and over and over, when I found him slumped against the porch I thought he was dead. Debby, after they attacked him, I was so afraid they would try and hurt him again that I pushed him away. Then you died and I had no one left on my side. The only thing I could do to stop myself feeling completely and utterly terrified was run. I ran and ran, I lived off basically no money in Indonesia for 8 months, hitchhiking and swapping islands every few weeks just to try and stop that feeling, rid that drowning sensation. But what do I do now the feelings are coming back? I can't run, I've got Tyler to think of. He needs me, and he needs stability and routine and I-I," he stammered, then suddenly looked around in panic and saw a few people walking out of the church.

They'd finished early.

Josh jumped up and desperately looked around for Tyler. He wiped his face of the tears that had fallen and hurriedly shoved the book in his bag and picked it up then ran around the church, frantically searching for him. Tyler was nowhere on the church grounds.

Josh's mind began to run wild as he imagined all the worst outcomes possible, but he felt no relief when he finally found Tyler on the sidewalk close to their car.

Abi was stood opposite him, one of her hands grabbing him round the face, her nails digging into his cheeks.

"Abigail let him go, we're leaving." Josh said, both angry and terrified.  
"You don't tell me what to do faggot." She snapped at him, then dug her nails deeper into Tyler's cheeks causing him to whimper. "Repent your sins." She ordered Tyler, but he said nothing.

With precision timing, she removed her grip from his face with her left hand and slapped him hard with her right. Despite her only being a thin 19 year old girl, the slap was enough for Tyler to stumble a few steps, which she exploited and shoved him to the ground.

"By opening yourself to the truth, you can experience the healing that Christ could give. Jesus works with truth, but to deny it will keep the Lord from healing you." She preached, then swung her foot and kicked him in the stomach, he buckled over with a groan. "Repent."

"Abigail fucking stop it!" Josh cried out in horror and ran in front of Tyler's huddled body. "Stop, just stop, you don't have to do this."  
“Repent. When we are judged by the Lord, we are being disciplined so that we will not be condemned with the world, Corinthians 11:32." She shouted at him hysterically.  
"Let me take Tyler home, please, he needs to go home." He tried to appeal to his sister.  
"Leave him faggot, he's been driven insane by the burden of his sins. You can be saved, rejoin me on the path of the righteous. And a highway will be there; it will be called the Way of Holiness. The unclean will not journey on it; it will be for those who walk in that Way; wicked fools will not go about on it, Isaiah 35:8."

Josh knew that there would be no rationalising with Abi, so instead he tried to ignore her.

He turned his back to her and crouched to talk to Tyler who was muttering to himself in a ball on the floor, Josh felt a jolting pain in the kidneys as Abi kicked him but he didn't retaliate.

"Tyler, Ty I'm so sorry, but I'm going to take you home now I promise." He tried to comfort him, but Tyler showed no sign of hearing him other than flinching slightly.

Josh felt another kick, but also heard voices other than Abigail's. He turned his head to the side and saw that more of the church-goers were leaving the site, and a sudden sense of panic grew at the thought of his brother finding them and joining in.

Josh knew that Tyler would hate him for it, but he grabbed Tyler's arm and forcefully pulled him to standing then dragged him to the car, batting Abigail out of the way.

Tyler thrashed and cried and twisted unnaturally in a desperate attempt to escape Josh's grip, but he held it strong and managed to push Tyler into the passenger seat and shut the door. He quickly got in himself and drove away, leaving his sister shouting about the righteous from the curb.

"Tyler I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," Josh told him, but Tyler wasn't listening. His back arched harshly as though the seat was burning him, and his sobs suggested the same. He clawed at his arm with his nails, breaking the skin with each scrape. Josh watched helplessly as he suddenly threw both hands up to his face and screamed into them, then scratched aggressively at his cheeks. Frustration got the better of him and he screamed again as he tried to attack his face and his arm at the same time.

Josh heard the sound of a car horn and realised he'd run a red light whilst watching his frantic husband.

"Tyler I'm sorry, but we had to get out of there, come on honey, I know you can hear me, give me a second and I'll pull over." Josh said and he stopped the car at the side of a quiet road.

"Tyler you need to stop scratching, sweetie please. Tyler I need to look out for your best interest, and if you don't stop soon then I'm going to have to physically stop you, which neither of us want. Do you understand Ty? I know you don't want me to touch you, but I'm going to have to." Josh told him, trying to keep it instructional and not let his emotions get in the way.

He didn't want Tyler to know how desperate he was for him to calm down, and he didn't want Tyler to know how helpless he felt, and he didn't want Tyler to know how scared he was.

Tyler seemed to process what Josh said because for a brief moment his fingernails moved from the raw skin on his cheeks and ran through his hair, grappling at random tufts.

Tyler then threw his whole body hard against the seat, his head bouncing on the headrest with the ferocity of the action. His hands lost grip of his hair, but instead latched onto the two metal prongs which joined the headrest to the seat. He screamed again, but didn't let go of the metal.

Josh could tell how hard Tyler was fighting, but he could also tell that he was nowhere close to calming down.

His legs stamped over and over again, and he began bashing his head against the seat. He had been biting hard on his lip to stop himself screaming, but the sudden collisions caused his teeth to split it and his blood seeped into his mouth.

Josh noticed the flash of red as he continued to slam his head, and reached for a bottle of water in the back seat.

"Tyler you're bleeding, please honey, have some water." He said as he unscrewed the lid and held it out for Tyler to take. Tyler ignored Josh and the bottle and continued to thrash, finally releasing his grip on the headrest with a scream.

Josh had to quickly pull the bottle out of the way as Tyler rocked his head down and smashed it into his knees, crying hysterically and scratching at the back of his neck.

"Tyler I know you don't want to, but please try to sit up. I'll get those pills out that you put in the glovebox, they'll help I promise. Just sit up sweetie, it's okay." Josh said, but again Tyler said nothing.

"You're okay Ty, everything's okay, try to block out everything Abigail said and did, try to block out everything those intrusive thoughts are saying and doing, heck, block out everything I did if you need do. Just focus on breathing, you're going to be okay." He comforted, then screwed the cap back on the water and threw it onto the backseat.

"You're okay Tyler, this is just a panic attack. I know you feel like you're dying, but you always feel like that and you're always fine, you're going to be fine, deep breaths, it's alright." Josh said calmly, but he couldn't tell whether his words were helping because Tyler's face was still buried in his knees, and his arms covered the sides of his face as he deeply scratched his neck.

Josh began to wonder whether he should start the car again and get them home as soon as possible, when Tyler suddenly sat up slightly and reached out for the handle of the glove box.

Josh guessed that Tyler was trying to get his medication, so he turned around and tried to quickly find the water bottle he had carelessly thrown a moment ago. To his annoyance, the bottle had rolled under the seat and was out of his reach.

He looked back at Tyler who had opened the compartment and was rummaging around it with his hand, tears still rolling down his scratched cheeks and choking whimpers escaping his bloody lips.

"Tyler, listen to me, I promise I'm not leaving, I just need to quickly get that bottle from the back, I will only be a second I promise, I'm going to come back." Josh told him before opening his door and stepping out, then opening the back door and crouching low to fit his arm under the chair and reach for the water. Once his fingers made contact with the neck of the bottle, he pulled his arm back out, shut the back door then got back in the front.

He turned to give it to Tyler, but it fell out of his grip once he saw him and the state of his arm.

The multitool Josh kept in the glovebox in case of emergencies was in Tyler's right hand and open on the blade and it was covered in blood, Tyler's blood. A single cut. Josh saw there was a single cut. And yet, there was so much blood.

The liquid coated Tyler's left arm completely, and a dark puddle had begun to form in his lap.

It was too much for one single cut.

For a fraction of a second Josh froze and watched the blood flow from the gaping wound, pulsing in time with Tyler's heartbeat, but as Tyler's hand aggressively moved to make a second laceration, Josh snapped back into action.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had such a lovely reaction to the first couple of chapters, thank you all so much xx  
> Sorry if the medical talk in this chapter is a bit boring, but I wanted it to be as close to reality as I can get it. I've been through this crap myself and there's a lot of talk about protocols and guidelines and procedures, and it gets pretty boring so sorry about that. The other chapters won't have the same amount of detail, so please don't get put off x  
> Thanks again x

It was almost midday on Monday when Tyler finally woke up, but Josh hadn't slept at all that night. Instead he had sat on the ridiculously uncomfortable plastic chair beside his husband's hospital bed and watched him in his peaceful drug-fueled sleep.

"Josh?" Tyler called out groggily, sitting up in the bed and looking around the room for him.  
"Tyler I'm here," he replied.

Tyler raised his left arm, presumably to rub his eye, but once he caught sight of the white bandage wrapped thickly up to his knuckles, he breathed in sharply.

"Sweetie it's okay, don't look at it, you're okay."  
"Did I?"  
"Yeah you did sweetheart." Josh told him, and Tyler burst into tears like a young child.

"Shh, Ty, it doesn't matter, you're okay now," he soothed, and as quickly as Tyler had started crying, he stopped.

"Why am I here? What happened?" He asked innocently.

"Yesterday we went to visit Debby, and my sister saw you sweetie. She said and did some very selfish things and you started to panic. I thought I heard Jordan coming and I didn't want him to hurt you, so I got you into the car and we drove away. You had a nasty panic attack and did that to your arm."

"With my nails?" Tyler asked, noticing his nails had been cut short.  
"No honey, the multitool I keep in the glovebox. Kept, I threw it away yesterday. But yeah, you hurt yourself pretty bad, so I sorted you out best I could then drove you straight here. You weren't well so they had to restrain you sweetheart, but they gave you some medicine to calm you down and then stitched your arm and you've been asleep since."  
"Oh," he said, clearly disappointed in himself.

"It's okay though, you're doing well,"  
"Josh can we go home now please, I want to go home."  
"They're not going to let you just yet honey, I think you might pop over to Campbell ward for a few days first." Josh told him with a heavy heart.

"No no, I can't go back, I'm fine I promise, please Josh, I can't go back there." Tyler panicked.  
"It's not up to me Ty, and it's not a definite, okay? The staff want what's best for you, and if they decide that that's Campbell then we have to trust that decision. You have to remember that this is an emergency admission, so it's not like your planned inpatient stays, it's not going to be for long hopefully. I honestly don't know what they're planning, but I'll get a nurse and we can ask her okay? She wanted me to tell her when you woke up anyway, I'll be one sec," Josh explained before standing up from the cramped chair, and walking to the nurses desk.

 

He returned a moment later followed by a slim ginger woman carrying a clipboard.

"Hello Tyler, my name is Molly." She said condescendingly, and Josh groaned internally. "I'm here to look after you,"  
"Hi," Tyler said awkwardly.  
"Tyler, do you know where we are?" Molly slowly said.  
"Uh yeah, the hospital."  
"Well done, amazing job." She patronised, and Josh and Tyler shared a small embarrassed smile.

"Now Tyler, how are you feeling?"  
"I'm okay."  
"You don't need to be brave for me Tyler, you can tell me the truth." Molly said, sitting on the end of his bed and tilting her head in an over acted sympathetic way that almost made Josh laugh if it hadn't have been for the circumstances.

"I'm okay, my arm throbs a bit, but I'm okay." He repeated with a smile.  
"You can trust me Tyler, tell me what's wrong."

"Molly, are there any other questions?" Josh intervened, knowing that Tyler wasn't going to spill his darkest demons to the woman, and wanting to end the awkwardness.  
"Not from me no, I just wanted to check you were okay Tyler. You caused a big scene yesterday and everyone was talking about you in-"  
"Molly," Josh stopped her, knowing that Tyler wouldn't like to know how much attention he had attracted, and would hate to know that people were talking about him behind his back.

"Yes?" She asked naively.  
"Who do we need to speak to to discuss what happens next?" Josh asked, eager to move on the conversation.

"That would be a psychiatrist, I'll call for one to come down and talk to you both in a minute but first I need to check and change Tyler's dressing." She told Josh, then turned to Tyler again.

"Tyler, I need to change your dressing, do you understand?" She patronised.  
"Molly I've got OCD, I'm not at idiot." Tyler finally told her, a little frustrated but not cruelly.

"Sorry sorry, I know. Uh, I'll just get my stuff," she said and quickly walked out of the room.

  
"Good for you, sticking up for yourself." Josh told him with pride, and Tyler smiled to himself, then began to fiddle with the bandage covering his thumb.

"But whilst she's not here, how actually are you?"  
"Mostly embarrassed, and a bit drowsy, but I'm okay. They're talking but not particularly loudly or aggressively so I can ignore it."  
"Okay that's pretty good. From what I gathered, they gave you some fairly hefty drugs yesterday so you're probably drowsy because they're wearing off, don't worry or overthink it. And Ty, you have literally no reason to be embarrassed. None. What happened wasn't your-" he stopped as the door opened again.

"Sorry to interrupt, can I come in?" A tall young male nurse said through the slightly ajar door with a British accent.  
"Yeah come in," Tyler called to him.

"Hiya, I'm Matt, Molly asked me to come in here and sort out your arm, is that good with you both?" He said chirpily.  
"Did I scare her off? And yeah that's fine thanks." Tyler said, instantly taking a liking to the Brit.

He wheeled a trolley of equipment over to the side of the bed and began putting on a pair of latex gloves.  
"Nah, she just thinks that us OCD lot should stick together I reckon." Matt replied with a smile.

"You're OCD?" Josh asked causally from the chair.  
"Yup, but I went through the worst of it as a teenager back home, and it sounds as though I got off a bit lighter than you Ty. You're alright if I call you Ty?"  
"Yeah Ty's fine." Tyler told him, infected by Matt's lighthearted attitude.

"Cool. So I'm gonna unravel this bandage for you, then take off the dressing and check the stitches are doing their job. Then I'll clean the area with antibiotic ointment, stick on a fresh dressing and do you a new bandage."  
"Okay,"  
"If there's anything you need me to do differently or if you need a break then don't stress, just let me know. Also if there's any particular triggers that are relevant and you wanna tell me then now's the time."  
"Sorry I'm going to make things difficult for you,"  
"No worries Ty, what is it?"  
"Uh there's actually two main ones, I'm not good with people touching me or with blood."  
"Okay, to be honest Ty that shouldn't be too much of an issue. For the most part, I won't be touching you I'll be touching the bandages or dressings, and you see these gloves? You saw me take them straight out of that packet so logically you know they're clean and they're basically a barrier between my fingers and you. I won't be touching you, I'll be touching the gloves. Try and remember that if you feel funny. Also there won't be much blood. Is it looking at it that is crappy?" Matt asked, and Josh smiled because he was taking such good care of Tyler.

"Yeah, looking and smelling."  
"Right, well it won't be fresh so it shouldn't smell so that's not something to feel anxious about. Also, from what I can tell from your notes, this bandage won't have any on it. The whole purpose of it is a precaution to stop you being able to peel the dressing and irritate or worsen the wound, it's more of a safeguard for your mental health than your physical health. Now once I actually remove the sticky dressing covering the stitches, there may be some stains on the old gauze, and the cut will still look a little bloody. You can look away or close your eyes for that bit if it's helpful, and I'll tell you once I've put a new gauze down and thrown away the bloodied one, how does that sound?"

"I think that will be okay." Tyler replied, starting to sound a little anxious.

"Now, are you the sort of guy who wants to be quiet and concentrate or the sort who wants to make conversation to distract yourself?" Matt asked as he finished prepping and stood still.  
"Uh, I don't know." Tyler answered.

"You like to listen, don't you Ty?" Josh chimed in, and Tyler nodded.

"Okay cool, I'm gonna get started now Ty so if you pass me your arm then that will be helpful. And don't forget, if you need anything changed then grab my attention however you want. In the mean time I'm just going to have a nice conversation with your mate over here." Matt told him and Tyler gently moved his arm from under the blanket and placed it into Matt's gloved hands.

"Sorry mate, I didn't catch your name,"  
"Josh,"  
"You seem to know Ty pretty well, how long have you two been friends?" Matt asked as he unraveled the thick bandage.  
"He's actually my husband," Josh told him with pride.  
"Oh so did you two get married recently? Because I know you guys only changed your law back in June."  
"About three years ago actually. They hadn't changed it in Ohio yet so we went over to New York with Ty's family and a couple of friends for the weekend and got married in Caumsett. It was pretty awesome right Ty?" Josh said smiling, and Tyler nodded again.

"That sounds nice, although I'll admit I have no idea where Caumsett is." Matt said with a laugh.  
"It's a state park on Long Island, not too far, about 9 hours drive from here on a good day."  
"Not too far? That's such an American thing to say, showing off my Britishness here but 9 hours is an insane amount of time to drive, you can get genuinely drive the width of England in about an hour in one place."  
"Haha, well welcome to the States."

"Thank you. Tyler look away now if you don't want to see the mark on the dressing." Matt told him as the final loop of the bandage undid. Matt then placed the used bandage on the tray, exposing Tyler's arm.

Dark scabs had formed where he had scratched himself with his nails, and red marks were left where the skin wasn't completely broken.

A large white dressing covered a section of his arm immediately below the elbow and a discoloured liquid revealed the shape of the stitches beneath.

"I've lived here in Ohio for about a year now and it still freaks me that this state alone is almost as big as England." Matt said shaking his head.

He turned back to Tyler and placed a gloved hand close to the dressing but Tyler flinched and pulled his arm back.   
"Tyler you're okay," Josh soothed calmly.

"We'll take a break for a moment, not a problem." Matt joined in,

"So you got married in New York, did that count here? Like before they changed the law?" He said trying to keep Tyler distracted like Josh had told him.

"No Ohio didn't recognise it, but Tyler knew and I knew and that's what counted."  
"Bet it was still nice when they got the ruling through though."  
"June 26th, good day. Not only did they legalise gay marriage, Tyler also got discharged from his inpatient admission."  
"Wow, lots of reasons to celebrate then."  
"Yeah absolutely, we went crazy didn't we Ty, painted the town red." Josh said with a smirk.  
"We watched fight club in our pyjamas," Tyler said quietly.  
"We watched fight club in our pyjamas." Josh repeated louder, his voice dripping with pride and a smile plastered on his face.

"Haha wow, I wish I was as cool as you two." Matt said with a smile, "Tyler am I good to continue?"  
"Yeah, sorry about that." Tyler answered, still sounding a little unsure.

"Not a problem, you keep looking at Josh over there and I'll get this over and done with as quickly as I can. You might feel some pulling, but that's me peeling the old dressing off." Matt told him.

"Ty, look at me babe." Josh said quietly but firmly as he leaned forwards on his chair so his face was closer to Tyler's, who was now leaning back on the pillows. "Ty it's okay, he's almost done."  
"Yup that's off, and the stitches look good."

"How many are there?" Tyler asked, still looking the opposite away.  
"Do you have a significant number Ty?" Matt asked whilst wiping the area with ointment.  
"4, uh, multiples of 4,"  
"That's fortunate then, because you've got 12 stitches." Matt told him as Josh looked at the wound and counted 14.

"My number was 5 back when I was a teenager so I sort of get how irrationally important it is. Sorry if this stings," the nurse said as he did a final wipe with the cotton bud.

"Is it done?" Tyler asked through clenched teeth.  
"The stinging is but I still need to dress it again." Matt answered as he turned back to the tray and set down the bud then began opening the new dressing.

"Stop stop stop stop I need a break." Tyler said panicked and threw both his arms behind his head, interlocking his fingers and pulling them against the back of his neck. He began to cry.

"Tyler I'm not touching you." Matt told him concerned.  
"Stop stop stop stop," he shouted, starting to hyperventilate.

"Ty listen to me, you're okay, nobody's touching you, it's just your mind playing tricks I promise, you're okay. Don't let them take control, come on sweetheart, you're fine." Josh comforted. "Slow down your breathing, that's it, deep breaths, you're alright. Well done sweetie, now just let go of your neck and Matt can finish, it's okay."

"Please can you leave." Tyler said quietly after slowing down the beginning of the panic.  
"Me?" Matt asked.  
"Yes."  
"Sorry buddy, I'm not allowed to. It's not my choice, it's just the protocol because you're being held here as an involuntary patient. I have to take certain precautions and that includes making sure those stitches are all covered up, so I either have to finish dressing them or wait here and supervise until you let me. Sorry mate, that's just the way it is."

"Please Matt," Tyler appealed innocently.   
"Tyler I can't. Legally I'm allowed to force treatment on you, but I respect you and your wishes more than that so I'm giving you a break. I'm not able to do you anymore favours you have to understand."  
"You understand and you're grateful aren't you Ty." Josh said, but Tyler didn't acknowledge.

"I think we should start again now. You've just had one little panic and I don't want for another one to come and for you to have a vulnerability that your OCD might make you exploit. Let's just cover it up, yeah? Does that sound sensible to you too?"  
"I don't want anyone to touch me." Tyler stated.

"I know, but it's not me it's gloves remember." Matt told him, starting to work quickly. "Dressing is down." He informed them both, then began to roll a bandage tightly around Tyler's lower arm. 

"Stop it," Tyler told him.  
"Almost done Tyler,"  
"Stop,"  
"I'm going to finish Tyler, try and stay still for me." Matt said firmly as Tyler squirmed uncomfortably and tried to pull away.

"Tyler can you unclench your fist for a second?" He asked as he paused rolling the bandage at his wrist and waited, but Tyler didn't. "Come on Tyler, I don't want to have to make you."

"Can I try something?" Josh asked, standing up from his seat.  
"Uh yeah, sure." Matt replied intrigued.

Josh helped himself to a pair of gloves from the box and put them on, then sat on the end of Tyler's bed cross legged.

"Tyler, look up at me babe. Do you remember back when we first started dating, and we went to your house for the first time as a couple? We hadn't told anyone, well apart from Deb, so it still felt like our little secret. We went to your room and talked for a while, and then we heard a little knock at the door and you got up and opened it. I didn't know who it was but you were talking to them and telling them to go away for a while, and eventually he came in anyway. You introduced me to your little brother Jay, he must have been 5 or 6 at the time. You kept hinting for him to go but he payed no attention and came and sat on my lap telling me all about his favourite dinosaurs, then he started talking about aliens and obviously that was our bonding moment. We talked about aliens for a while whilst you laughed, then he ran out and came back a minute later with all his Lego in a big crate and poured it out onto your bedroom floor. The three of us stripped your bed and raided all the couch cushions from downstairs and made a fort in your room to hide us from the evil aliens and protect the good aliens in, then we built alien ships out of Lego in it. The look on your dad's face when he walked in, I'll never forget it." Josh said with a smile.

The distraction had worked because he saw Matt had finished bandaging and had taped the end down, and was now enjoying Josh's story too.  
"I'll leave you two to it, a psychiatrist will be here soon."

 

 

  
"Good afternoon boys," Dr Casey said as she entered Tyler's room followed by a stunningly good looking young woman. "Firstly I've got a medical student shadowing me, is it okay for her to sit in Tyler?"  
"Yeah okay," Tyler answered.

"I've brought you a little present," the doctor said jokingly as she placed a small paper cup of pills in Tyler's hand then passed him a plastic cup of water. He laughed then quickly swallowed them.  
"Thanks,"

"You're looking well," she told him.  
"Don't feel it. Sorry, it's bugging me, what's your name?" Tyler asked the med student.  
"It's Eleftheria, Greek and complicated I know, call me El," she said shyly, holding her hand out for Tyler. He made no attempt to shake it.

"First thing you should know about Ty, he doesn't shake hands." Dr Casey said with a laugh, ending the awkwardness. "Whilst we're doing introductions, this is Josh, Tyler's husband; he'll shake your hand." She told her, and he did.

"Josh you look exhausted, do you need to go home?"  
"I'll stay," Josh told her.  
"I thought you'd say that, did you get any sleep last night?"  
"Nah, but I'm going to stick around anyway."  
"You can have a nap whilst I'm talking to Ty if you want. Or I can get you a coffee or a sandwich or something?"  
"I'm fine thanks, you can just start the assessment." Josh said with a yawn.

"Okay, but you're going to be more use to Tyler if you're rested remember. Right Tyler, you know the drill. You've been involuntarily hospitalised so I'm going to explain the reasons you've been detained, then complete a psych evaluation and decide where to take it from there."  
"Okay." Tyler said quietly.

"So yesterday at 13.45 you were brought into the emergency department by Josh Dun-Joseph with a self inflicted cut to your left arm. You were delirious and aggressive and at 13.50 an initial emergency assessment completed by Dr Leighton concluded he had sufficient reasons to believe that you presented a substantial risk of physical harm to self or others if allowed to remain at liberty pending examination. That's criteria for you to be sectioned under ORC law 5122.10, and you have the right to read the statement Dr Leighton made if you would like to."

"I don't want to."

"That's okay Ty. So as you probably remember, the law states that we are in control of your treatment for 72 hours following the section's enforcement, but you must be transferred to an inpatient treatment centre licensed by the department of mental health under section 5119.33 within the first 24 hours. Now, by my watch that gives us only 1 hour and a half left here at the general before you have to be moved."

"Am I going to Campbell?"

"If I decide you're not fit for discharge then yes, Campbell Psychiatric Unit have a bed available. There's a few other things I have to tell you, I know it's boring but it's one of those things I just have to say. Before any physical or chemical restraints were used, the following methods were applied to no effect. Moving the patient to a calm, quiet environment; Removing objects that could be used to inflict harm to self or others; Expressing sympathetic concern for patient and their complaints; Responding in a confident yet supportive manner; Inquiring what can be done to resolve the cause of the anger." Dr Casey told him, reading from his medical notes.

"Okay," Tyler said passively, fiddling with the bandage around his thumb.

"You were still deemed a risk to yourself so Dr Leighton signed the paperwork to allow the use of physical restraints. You can look at the paperwork if you want to. I can confirm for you that all the stages of physical restraints were properly ordered and documented in your medical records. The JCAHO guidelines for use of restraints in the psychiatric setting state that restraints must be applied under the direction of a licensed independent practitioner, otherwise known as an LIP. Your LIP was Dr Leighton, and he assessed you again within the first hour of restraint placement. A registered nurse monitored you during the 4-h interval you can be restrained for before further continuation of the restraint order. I saw him earlier so I presume you've seen him since, but your registered nurse was Matt, the young British guy. He completed assessments every 15 minutes, he monitored you for signs of injury; circulation, range of motion, nutrition and hydration, vital signs, hygiene, and elimination are also monitored. Physical and mental comfort and readiness for discontinuation of restraints as appropriate are also assessed."

"I like Matt."

"Good, he's a nice guy. He helped Dr Leighton decide to give you the maximum 10mg dose of haloperidol. That's an antipsychotic Tyler, and they gave it to you as an injection."

 

 

  
"Josh? Josh I'm sorry to wake you but I need to talk to you." He heard Dr Casey say and felt her touching his shoulder.

He sat up from his slouched position on the uncomfortable chair and took a moment to take in his surroundings, then realised he must have fallen asleep as she was talking to Tyler.

Tyler, where was Tyler? He looked around and saw his bed was empty.

  
"Where's Tyler?" He asked a little panicked.  
"Don't worry, Matt and El have gone with him to the garden out the back for a few minutes; Matt's taken him in a wheelchair so he can get some fresh air."  
"Oh, thank you for arranging that, and I'm sorry I fell asleep." Josh said as he rubbed his face.  
"It's nothing, and honestly it's fine I understand. Are you okay?" She said caring, sitting on the bed next to him.

"Tired," he said with a smile, and began to run his fingers down a long thin scab on the palm of his hand.  
"What happened there?" She asked.  
"Ah it's nothing. Just yesterday in the car with Tyler when he had the knife from the multitool and uh, he almost cut himself again so I tried to hold him back and there was a struggle and I stupidly lost track of the blade and yeah, he accidentally caught me. But he doesn't know, and I don't want him to, so keep it a secret please?"  
"It's not my place to tell him, don't worry."  
"Thank you."

"Josh, I know you love him but remember to look after yourself yeah?"  
"Yeah I know, and I do. Did you make a decision whilst I was sleeping?"

"Yes I finished the assessment and it's all written up in his file, if you get his permission then you can read it, but I can summarise for you. His general appearance was pretty good, he looks like he's been washing, eating and sleeping so that's good; although there's the obvious displays of self harm with both the cut but also lots of scratches on his arms, neck and cheeks. His speech was good, it made sense and was mostly relevant and appropriate, it was a little quiet and slow but that's to be expected with symptoms of anxiety and depression. Emotional expression was a little off, he was explaining emotions very clearly and poetically but his body language and facial expressions, tone of voice, posture, etcetera suggested to me that those weren't the emotions he was feeling. I actually noted those discrepancies as a cause for concern. The next 'category' if you like is thinking and perception. That was quite a difficult one to get a feel for with Tyler because, as you know, he does have a history of psychosis but quite often symptoms of hallucinations and symptoms of obsession as a part of OCD can overlap. I'm fairly certain he was hallucinating yesterday, but today I think it's strong OCD thoughts. Finally I checked his cognitive function and he's said last night was a blur, but otherwise he was very alert and attentive."

"Right, so what does that mean?"

"He's not ready to be discharged yet Josh, so we're going to transfer him to Campbell as soon as possible."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little disclaimer I suppose.  
> Campbell is a psychiatric hospital that is loosely based on my own experiences of a psych hospital. Obviously not all hospitals are like this and everyone will have their own experiences, so please don't think that this is what every single hospitalisation experience is like xx

Josh groaned as he woke up to his alarm going off at 6.30am. He rolled over and hit the off button on his phone, then rolled back over and looked at Tyler's empty side of the bed.

Normally he didn't need an alarm, he was used to the early starts after years of working at the office, but after missing a night's sleep he decided it was better to be safe than sorry.

After a moment of adjusting to being awake, he got out of bed and opened the curtains, then got in the shower.

The water was cold and refreshing, but the shower gel stung in the cut on his palm. He winced a little, then shut off the water and got dressed.

He smiled to himself and thought about the sarcastic remark Tyler would make about him not properly drying off.

  
His thoughts drifted to Tyler, who'd spent the night on Campbell ward. Today was his birthday, but it hadn't exactly started like they'd planned.

The night before, once Tyler was settled into his room and the staff told him visiting hours were over, Josh had spent the evening on the phone. He called his boss who yelled at him for several minutes, but once Josh explained the situation he begrudgingly gave him the rest of the week off as long as Josh promised to work from home and was completely caught up in time for work on Monday.   
Then he called Tyler's mum Kelly, who cried down the line. Once she collected herself, they agreed that she and Chris should come anyway and see Josh, then visit Tyler if he felt well enough. Josh also reminded her that there was still the chance he could be discharged early and be home in time to see them.

  
As he walked through the kitchen and helped himself to a bowl, then filled it with cereal, he felt a slight pang of déjà vu.

Earlier that year Tyler had spent 4 months on Campbell, and consequently Josh had spent 4 months alone. Tyler wasn't particularly noisy, but his absence meant a strange quietness fell through the house, and it unnerved Josh a little.

As he felt himself starting to miss Tyler's morning routine, he unlocked his phone and clicked shuffle on his playlist to try and stop his thoughts running away from him.

He sat at the dining room table alone, facing Tyler's empty chair, and ate his cereal.

Half way through the second song he shut the music off and slid his phone away from him in a moment of frustration. Tyler would hate him to use the phone at the table, and Josh had grown accustomed to his rituals to the point where they had become his own.

Josh poured the remains of the half eaten bowl away and washed and put away his bowl and spoon. After gulping down a full glass of water, he headed to his car.

  
The night before he had spent almost an hour scrubbing Tyler's passenger seat and surrounding area clean of his blood, and there was now no sign the event had even occurred, but he still shuddered as he got in.

 

 

  
"Good morning, I'm Josh Dun-Joseph here to visit Tyler Dun-Joseph." He told the receptionist as he arrived, he figured she must have been new because he was very familiar with the rest of the staff but didn't recognise her.

"Visiting hours don't start until 9.30." She said sternly without looking up.  
"Sorry I know I'm a bit early, but it's his birthday and I was hoping to see him now." He attempted to explain.  
"It's 7.45, you'll need to come back at 9.30." She drolly repeated, showing no interest in Josh or in Tyler's birthday.

  
"Oh come on Sue, let him in." Josh heard a male voice he suspected to be Ryan call from down the corridor.

This was confirmed as Tyler's keyworker turned the corner and they made eye contact. Ryan smiled warmly as the old friends shook hands.

"Don't be a party pooper, it's a one off." He told the receptionist as he jumped up and sat on her desk, much to her obvious annoyance. She eventually pushed a sign-in sheet and pen towards Josh which he quickly filled in.

"Thank you Sue," Josh said, then Ryan jumped back onto his feet and lead the way to Tyler's room.

  
"Sorry about her, old witch, but you're not here for her, you're here for the birthday boy."   
"Yeah, how is he?"  
"Honestly?"  
"Always,"  
"Fine, absolutely fine, a delight in fact." Ryan told him with a smile.

"Really?" Josh asked a little surprised, but it felt as though the headache he hadn't previously noticed had suddenly disappeared and the weight on his shoulders had been lifted.

"Yeah, he had one small panicked incident last night after you left because he realised his parents were supposed to be visiting, but he didn't cry and he got his breathing under control completely independently within a minute. Honestly mate, to me he seems better now than when he left back in June."  
"Wow, that's amazing news, thank you." Josh said, still a little taken a back.  
"No need to thank me, like I said, he took care of himself." Ryan told him with his pride before stopping outside a door with Tyler's name printed on it and knocking.

"Birthday boy, there's some ugly guy here who claims he's your husband, can we come in?"  
"Yeah," Tyler yelled back.

They entered and Tyler began to stand up from the bed he was previously laid on.

"Ew you're right, he is ugly." Tyler said with a smirk as he walked towards Josh and kissed him on the lips quickly before wrapping both his arms around Josh's neck and pulling him into a tight hug. Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler's waist and squeezed, then turned his head to whisper into Tyler's ear.  
"Happy birthday," he told him, then kissed him on the cheek. They let go of each other then walked to Tyler's bed and sat down.

  
"Tyler buddy, breakfast is in the main canteen at 8, which is 10 minutes away. It's going to look really good at your review if you go, and more importantly it means you get bacon, so can I trust that you will be there? You can bring ugly too if you want." Ryan said, still standing.  
"Yeah we'll be there, promise." Tyler told Ryan.  
"Good lad, I'll give you two some space until then, just no sex please." Ryan said with a laugh as he walked out of the room and propped the door open.

  
"Yesss Mommm," Tyler called out after him. "He's such an idiot," Tyler said quieter to Josh after they heard Ryan laughing as he walked down the corridor.

"Idiot yup, but he managed to peer pressure the receptionist into letting me in early so I guess he's not all that bad." Josh replied with a smile.

"Sorry I'm early, just couldn't wait to see you."  
"No it's good you're early, I missed you."  
"I missed you too."

"Josh I'm really sorry," Tyler began but before he could continue, Josh kissed him again, and this time held it for longer. They only broke apart when the need for breath interrupted them.

"Tyler whatever you're going to apologise for, I don't want to hear it, okay? I don't need an apology and you don't need to apologise. All I need is my man back home."  
"I love you Josh,"   
"I love you too," he replied, smiling, "even though you're old and wrinkly now,"  
"You're 27 as well grandpa,"  
"Oops," Josh said smirking, and Tyler pushed him playfully.

"How are you?"  
"I'm okay,"  
"Promise?"  
"Promise." Tyler said sincerely, taking Josh's hand in his and interlocking their fingers.

"I've just had a lot swirling around in my head recently and it was almost inevitable to blow up in my face, but now that it has, everything feels a bit calmer."

"That makes sense, I'm glad you're able to turn this into a positive."  
"Yeah, and to my own surprise it's actually been sort of useful to come back to Campbell."  
"How do you mean?" Josh asked, feeling proud already.  
"I guess I fought a lot here and I won a lot of battles but I lost even more, and they've all got their own ghosts as such. I thought I'd find it frightening or overwhelming seeing them all and reliving them, but really it's just shown me how far I've come. The past few weeks at home I've been struggling with stuff that I could do last month, and it's been making me question whether maybe I've had a massive relapse and not realised. I've spent way too much time feeling paranoid and overthinking everything, then overthinking the fact I've been overthinking and you get the gist. I know I had a relapse with self harm, but that doesn't mean I'm back to square 1. If you compared me now to me 6 months ago then it's like we're different people, and I'm proud of that. I've come a long way, and this admission has reassured me of that, in its own messed up way."  
"I'm so damn proud of you." Josh told him, a smile stretching the width of his face.  
"No time for flirting, I'm going to have my first bacon rasher as a 27 year old, you coming?"

 

  
"Thank you all again," Josh thanked the table of staff as they finished writing up the paperwork from the meeting.  
"That's alright Josh, have a good time both of you," Dr Casey told the pair.  
"Yeah, say hey to Mommy and Daddy Joseph from me." Ryan added. "And have a good rest of your birthday Ty, seriously man, you deserve it."  
"Thanks, and I will." Tyler said with a smile.  
"Don't be late back, or I'll worry," Ryan cooed, but Josh knew he was also being serious.  
"See you all later, and we'll be back in time I promise, bye." Josh said with a wave as he and Tyler walked out of the meeting room and headed towards the exit hand in hand.

 

Once they finished signing out, Josh lead the way to the car.

"Do you want to get in? I'm going to call your mom and tell her the news,"  
"Uh, I don't really want to sit in that seat by myself right now, after what happened and everything," Tyler told him.  
"That's okay Ty, you can wait out here with me if you'd prefer, I just didn't know whether you'd be alright with me on my phone."  
"If it's on speakerphone then that's okay, and that way I can tell her myself,"  
"Okay honey, give me one sec," Josh said as he got out his iPhone and called Kelly, putting it on speakerphone.

After a few rings, the call connected.

"Hello?,"  
"Hey Kelly, it's Josh."  
"Josh, is everything alright? Have you seen Tyler?"  
"Everything's more than alright, don't panic. Yes I've seen Tyler, I spent the whole morning with him at Campbell and he's here with me now and he's got something he wants to tell you."

"Hi Mom,"  
"Tyler? I've been so worried about you, but happy birthday baby,"  
"Sorry, and thank you. Listen Mom, I've got some news."  
"Yes baby?"  
"The hospital have given me 4 hours unescorted leave, and I was hoping you'd spend them with me?"  
"Oh wow, that's wonderful, of course I will, and your dad too?"  
"Yeah Dad too,"  
"I'm thrilled for you Tyler, well done baby. Has your time started yet?"  
"Yeah just about, they gave me 1.30 till 5.30,"  
"Okay baby, Dad and I are with Zack but I'm going to tell him now and we'll drive to your house as quickly as we can, we won't take longer than an hour, and hopefully we'll have lots of time together before you need to go back."  
"Drive safely Mom," Tyler told her concerned.  
"I'll be safe, see you very soon Ty, bye Josh, bye Tyler." She said and the line went dead.

Josh slipped the phone back in his pocket, then opened the door for Tyler who sat down, soon after he got in himself.

Before he started the car, he rinsed his hands with purell from the car door. For a brief moment he forgot about the painful slash on his palm and winced as the liquid stung in it.

"Are you okay?" Tyler asked as he heard the sound.  
"Yeah, let's go home," Josh said as he put the bottle back in the door.  
"Oh my, Josh, your hand,"   
"It's nothing,"  
"I see a cut, a nasty one, is it my head or is it real?" Tyler asked quietly,  
"Real. Sorry, bad wording, I meant it's nothing to worry about." Josh explained.   
"Did you get that from using your phone?" Tyler asked worriedly, his delusions clouding his logic a little.  
"No, my phone is safe I promise. This was just a silly mistake. Last night after I left you here I went home and made myself dinner; I was chopping a potato and stupidly used the knife the wrong way round accidentally, then pushed on it and the blade went in my hand. But like I said, it's nothing to worry about."  
"Oh, uh," Tyler responded, not quite finding the words he wanted.  
"You okay?" Josh asked, and Tyler nodded. "I'll drive us home sweetheart."

 

  
"They should be here by now, Josh where are they, what if something's happened. Please just call my mom again," Tyler said nervously as he paced around the living room whilst Josh sat on the sofa and watched.

"Tyler babe, they're fine. I called them 5 minutes ago and they said roughly 5 minutes, so they won't be long I promise. Try not to wind yourself up, they're fine." Josh reassured him, and almost to illustrate his point, they both heard a car pull up the drive.

"You alright?"  
"Josh I can't do this,"  
"Yes you can. You absolutely can. And remember what we said earlier, if you need a break then take a break, if you need me then tell me, if you need PRN then take PRN. Nothing's going to go wrong, I promise. We can do this together, yeah?"  
"Yeah," Tyler said, then jumped as there was a loud knock at the door.

"I'll open it, do you want to wait here or come with me?"  
"Uh, I'll come," he said, playing with his bandage.

 

They walked into the hallway and Tyler stood a few metres back and to the side as Josh opened the door to his parents.

"Hey there Josh, it's great to see you son." Chris said as he warmly shook Josh's hand, then walked a step past him into the house. "Kelly is just grabbing something from the car, am I taking my shoes off here? I brought socks like you said."  
"Hello, yeah please, you can just pop your shoes on that rack, thanks." Josh told him as he pointed.

"Hey Kelly," he said as he looked up to see she had arrived at the doorstep too. She put her bag on the floor and held out her arms, and Josh hugged her.  
"Josh, I'm so glad to see you," she said as she squeezed tightly.  
"Glad to see you too, do come in. You can put your shoes where Chris has and swap your socks, then we can go find Tyler." Josh said, then waited until they had both done it.

"Okay follow me." He lead the way into the main hall area and saw Tyler standing very straight, presenting himself.

"Hi," was all Tyler could manage before he started crying, and walked straight towards his dad.

His dad didn't say anything, but he didn't need to; instead he let Tyler cry into his shoulder and wrapped his arms around him in a big hug. Josh watched as Chris moved one of his hands to the back of Tyler's head and pulled him closer against his chest, then released it and kissed him on the forehead.

"Go give your mom a hug," Chris whispered as he gave Tyler a final squeeze.

Tyler hiccuped and gulped down a shaking mouthful of air before walking a step towards his already crying mother.

"Ty baby," she said as they embraced, Josh watched as Tyler's chest jerked up and down as he sobbed, and Kelly rubbed her hand up and down his back soothingly.

"I love you I love you I love you," she told him, squeezing him tight.  
"I love you Mom," he choked back through hyperventilating breaths.

Chris and Josh smiled at each other, and then watched them continue to cry into each other's arms.

After a minute, Chris decided it was time to break them apart.  
"Kelly,"  
"I know I know, 5 more seconds," she said, not letting go.

"Mom," Tyler said quietly, and she quickly released him.   
"Sorry," she apologised, scared she'd upset Tyler.

"No it's okay," Tyler said with a hiccup, wiping his face on his sleeve and hugging her again from the side with his other arm.

"I'm okay, I'm okay." He reassured her and himself. "Let's go to the dining room," Tyler said, and walked with his arm still around her, Chris and Josh followed.

 

"Can I get anyone a drink?" Josh asked as the others sat down at the table.  
"Tea would be nice please, milk no sugar." Kelly requested as she wiped under her eyes with her fingers.  
"Yup, Chris?"  
"Black coffee if you're making,"   
"Okay, Ty babe, you want water?" Josh said, counting the drinks on his fingers.  
"Yes please,"  
"Glass or plastic?"  
"Plastic please," Tyler asked, fiddling with his bandage again.  
"Alright honey, do you want to come to the kitchen with me for a minute? Help me out?" Josh asked, picking up on the subtle hints of Tyler not trusting himself with glass and anxiously pulling at the fabric.  
"I'm fine Josh, I'll stay here with Mom and Dad," Tyler told him, making eye contact, which reassured Josh that Tyler knew what he was doing.

"Okay, I'll go put the kettle on, be back in a minute." Josh said and walked out of the dining room and into the kitchen.

 

As he began to make the drinks, he breathed a slight sigh of relief that the visit had started well. He remembered the last time Tyler's parents had visited, a month after he had been discharged; Tyler had been very unwell and Josh knew he wasn't ready, but they were so desperate to see their son that eventually Josh caved.

Moments after they arrived, Tyler freaked out as his mom walked towards him and he hid himself in their bedroom, had a panic attack, and refused to come out until hours after they left.

  
Josh's train of thought was interrupted by the sound of the kettle coming to the boil, and he quickly finished making the drinks. Before going back to the dining room, he slipped a can of Red Bull into his hoodie pocket for himself, then balanced the three cups in his hands and walked back.

He found himself in the middle of a conversation as he entered.  
"So how many days a week is that?" Kelly asked, looking at Tyler.  
"Uh it's 5 at the moment." He answered.

"What's this?" Josh asked as he passed round the drinks, receiving thank yous.   
"Tyler's outpatient clinic, he's been telling us what he's been up to." Chris answered.  
"Ah yeah, we like it there don't we Ty." Josh said whilst sitting down next to him, he nodded and took a sip from his cup, then joined in.

"Sometimes the stuff they make me do is difficult but I mean, it's working; you're here, and I uh, I haven't freaked out. Yet." He said, smiling at the end.  
"That's good. And I know it's not always an accurate show of what's going on underneath, but you look really well Tyler. Got a bit of colour in your cheeks, gained some weight, got that shine in your eye," Kelly told him with a smile.

"You calling me fat Mom?" Tyler said with a straight face, but Josh could tell he was just winding her up.  
"No Tyler of course I'm not, you're still too skinny, but you're on your way to getting healthy again is what I meant. I absolutely did not mean you're fat," She explained, and Tyler couldn't resist smiling.  
"I know Mom I know," he said, showing his mom he was joking, "and yeah, that happens when you stop believing that all your food is poisoned."  
"So those thoughts are gone?" Kelly asked sincerely, smiling hopefully.  
"Oh no, they're still there, I've just learnt to ignore them." He told her,

"No what really happened was Josh taught himself how to cook edible food whilst I was away, so I don't have to make up the excuse not to eat his gross meals anymore." Tyler added jokingly, smirking at Josh.  
"So rude." Josh laughed, happy Tyler was talking and making jokes, but also a little concerned over a niggling thought that Ty might be using it as a coping mechanism to cover up the fact something was wrong.

"But in all seriousness, you've done amazing Ty. I mean did you tell your parents how you get to the clinic yet?"  
"No he didn't, how do you get there?" Chris asked.  
"Uh I take the, um, I take the train," Tyler told them, going back to fiddling with the bandage.  
"Alone?" Kelly asked.  
"Alone." Tyler clarified,  
"Oh wow, well d-" she started congratulating him, but Chris interrupted her.

"I don't feel comfortable with that Josh." He began, arms crossed against his chest.  
"Chris don't," Kelly told him.  
"No I'm sorry, but that's not something I feel I can allow to happen. Josh, can we talk in the kitchen please." Chris said sternly.  
"No Dad, whatever you want to say to him, say to me." Tyler mumbled, staring at his water.  
"Tyler, I know you're not good with confrontation so-"  
"Dad you don't know what I'm good with, you think that you do, but you barely know me at all. Josh is the only one who does. So whatever you're going to tell him, tell me now." Tyler said, sounding a little aggressive which made Josh's stomach drop.

"Chris please," Kelly said, desperately trying to deescalate the situation.

"Kelly if he wants to hear then let him. I don't think it's a good idea to let you travel on trains by yourself. Despite what you think, I know what triggers you and there are so many potentials in a train station. You've got history Tyler, I've had to physically hold you back from hysterically trying to jump in front of a train remember. I'll never forget that till the day I die. And I know that was a few years ago, but regardless I can't sit back knowing that you could be at a train station and get upset and easily do something like that again but not have me there to stop you."  
"I'm better now,"  
"Are you? Because from where I'm sat, you're nursing a serious fresh self harm wound and you're under a mental health section," Chris snapped, then immediately realised what he'd said.

"Shit Tyler I'm sorry," but Tyler didn't react, instead he simply stood up and walked straight out.  
"Josh," he called out very quietly, and Josh followed him.

 

  
Tyler didn't say another word until they got to the living room, then Josh shut the door behind them and Tyler burst into tears in front of him.

"Can I hug you?" Josh checked, before opening his arms wide for Tyler to step into. Tyler's arms stayed folded up against his chest, but Josh wrapped his arms around him anyway and held him close.

"Shh shh, it's okay Ty, he didn't mean it."  
"He did," Tyler sobbed.  
"He loves you Tyler, and he didn't mean to upset you. Shh, you're alright. He loves you a lot, and sometimes that can make people overprotective. It's okay, he hasn't been here for all the little things, but I have and I know how much progress you've made, okay babe. I know how much effort you've put in and how much better you are because of it, you are better, you are so much better."  
"I'm not,"  
"Yes you are Tyler, you said so yourself this morning. I'm so proud of you and everything you've achieved. You're doing amazing, so so amazing," Josh told him as he continued to squeeze him tight. "You're okay,"

"I'm so sorry Josh," Tyler hiccuped,  
"It's okay, you're okay." Josh told him as Tyler slowly calmed down. "That's it, you're okay, you're doing so well babe,"

"I need to get out Josh."  
"You want to move rooms?" Josh asked calmly, knowing that Tyler sometimes found it helpful.  
"Yeah," Tyler nodded at Josh let him go and he pressed both his hands to his face for a second.  
"Okay sweetheart, let's go up to the bedroom yeah?" Josh said, holding Tyler's bandaged hand as he nodded, wiping away his tears again.

 

  
10 minutes later Josh and Tyler were laid on their bed talking about a funny story Andrew had told Josh at work the other day when they heard a knock at the door.

Josh glanced over at Tyler, who had stopped crying, and Tyler gave a small nod.

"Come in," Josh called, and Chris opened the door.

Tyler immediately sat up and shuffled so he was sat on the end of the bed with his feet on the floor.

Josh stood up and allowed Chris to sit next to his son, but didn't leave the room and instead stood leaning against the wardrobe behind him.

"Ty can I talk for a minute?" Chris asked him.  
"Yes," Tyler answered, not making eye contact and staring at the floor between his feet.  
"Thank you. I'm going to be very honest with you now son, because I want you to understand why I reacted the way I did, and I want you to understand what's been going through my head, does that sound okay?"  
"Ok." Ty answered passively, wringing his hands slowly and gently.

"Tyler you're my first child, and I love you in ways that are bigger than I can explain in words. When you were born, 27 years ago today, and I held your little sleeping body against mine for the first time, I knew my life had just gotten so much better. I made a promise to your mom, and to you, and to myself, that I would never let anybody or anything hurt you. I love your mom beyond belief, and you were the life that that love created, the first physical embodiment of our love. You were our first little bundle of everything good and right with the world, you were so tiny and precious and it was my duty to protect you." Chris told him.

"When you were growing up, you were the sweetest little boy Tyler, always smiling and giggling. Zack was born when you were two, and he suddenly became your favourite toy. For hours you would watch and copy as Zack learnt how to roll on the floor, it was your favourite game to play. The perfect big brother from day one. A few months after your sister Madison was born, I remember sitting bouncing her on my lap whilst watching you play with your toys on the floor. You had a box full of Hot Wheels cars that Popop bought you, but rather than playing with them, you'd line them up in several rows of four and then you'd put them back in the box one by one, then you'd line them up again. You were 6, Ty, I doubt you remember it, and at the time I didn't think anything of it. That was just the game you liked to play, so we let you play it."

"Another thing you used to do when you were 6 was pray; every morning, every night, every time we left or entered the house, and before every meal you would squeeze your little eyes shut and your hands tight and say a prayer. I remember one evening after dinner, you ran off to start washing the dishes and your mom sat down and asked me whether I thought we should take you to see a doctor. I asked why, and she said that she didn't know of any other 6 year olds who played or prayed like you did, and she was worried. You know what I told her Ty? I told her we had raised the perfect child, a child who liked cleaning up, praying and following the rules we set." Chris told him, then took a pause to remember before continuing.

"Your mom always was and always will be very protective of you, that's why she homeschooled you for so long. You were her precious little boy and you two obviously grew even closer as I worked all day and you stayed with her. We talk about it now sometimes, and she says there were things that you did when you were 12 or 13 which she can now recognise as symptoms but had no idea at the time. For example when you helped her with the groceries and you'd go to the store together, you'd always have to stop right before the door to tie your shoelace, therefore she'd have to open the door and you wouldn't have to touch it. And the basketball. Even I could tell that the basketball wasn't normal, oblivious old dad; you would make 500 shots every single night and you refused to eat dinner until you'd done it. It's so obvious to me now, but I had no idea back then. When you started going to high school your mom was so worried that you were getting bullied because you became so distant and angry at home. She wanted to go and talk to the principal but again I told her not to, I told her that you were just being a teenager and she needed to stop worrying about you. But she was right, you were distant. And there was all that shouting and screaming coming from the basement every evening, I know you were doing your music but it was scary for us because we didn't know why you were hurting so badly."

"Once you told us you were gay, I let myself use that as the reason for your depression, or whatever it was then. But Ty, I think in my heart I knew that you weren't depressed because of that, it was something bigger, something deeper. I'd listen to your music from upstairs and your lyrics, they weren't about being gay, they were about how you felt you lacked purpose. Alarm bells should have been going off for me, but I didn't let them, you were my baby boy that I promised to protect and I didn't allow myself to think that there was something wrong with you. Your mom was worried all the time, and I always told her you were just being a teenager; I don't know who I thought I was helping but I went with the logic that if I didn't address the problem as a problem then it wouldn't be one. Instead, we decided that moving schools might cheer you up. At no point had we thought about taking you to a doctor, we just went off what we thought might help. Luckily at your new school you found Josh and Debby, and for a few months they seemed to help you, you spent less time screaming in the basement or making shots and more time with them. We didn't understand mental health at the time you have to know Tyler, so we presumed you were better and the ploy had worked."

"It wasn't until about half way through the year that we realised you were sick Ty. Josh brought you home from a party you two had gone to at about 11 at night, and he was pounding on the door. I presumed you were both drunk, and if I'm honest I was pretty angry that you were about to break my door down. But as soon as I opened it and saw the expressions on both of your faces I knew something was wrong. Josh looked terrified and you were crying hysterically and shaking. With Josh's help we got you into the living room and Josh tried to explain what had happened. Do you remember Ty?"

"Yeah," Tyler said, looking his dad in the eye with a sad nod.

"Josh promised over and over that you hadn't taken drugs, and I knew you hadn't, but it sounded exactly like you'd had a bad trip. Josh said you were at the party having a good time then suddenly you were screaming that there were soldiers and shaking and crying, and it had taken all his strength to bring you home."

"My first hallucination," Tyler concluded, retaining eye contact.

"Yeah, and it was the first time that I couldn't deny there was a problem anymore. Your mom looked after you, got you showered then in bed, and you stayed either in bed or the basement for the rest of the week. Finally we took you to a doctor who started the whole process of sending you through the mental health unit who threw around all different names and acronyms and diagnoses, but none of them meant anything to me. To me, you were my son who I had failed to look after properly. Those appointments after the party were when I realised I had failed you."

"Dad you didn't, you haven't, failed me." Tyler told him emotionally.

"Thank you Tyler, that means a great deal to me. You have to understand that at the time, I didn't know how to help you. Thankfully you didn't have any other hallucinations for a few months following your first, but it definitely changed you, and our relationship. Your mother had always been your closer parent and so of course you talked to her, and I'm glad that you did, but I always felt ever so slightly out of the loop. Don't take that the wrong way Ty, I know it wasn't intentional and I'm very pleased that you spoke to anybody at all. Anyway, after a few months you seemed to be making progress, getting a little bit braver and trusting yourself and other people a bit again. I think Josh moving in with us had a lot do do with that. Then everything changed again." He stopped and looked over at Josh.

"Sorry for bringing this up Josh, I don't want to upset you,"  
"No no it's okay Chris, please continue." Josh told him.

  
"When Debby passed away in the car crash, you were both understandably heartbroken. I had no idea how to help either of you. Josh, you left the country for a while and we didn't hear from you but I had faith that you were dealing with your grief in the best way possible for you. But Tyler, I didn't know what was best for you. Not only were you my son battling anxiety, depression and an ever-changing psychosis diagnosis, but now you were grieving as well. And that was when the old OCD from when you were younger suddenly became stronger, and the hallucinations started once more, really violently. I couldn't help you, and coming to terms with the fact that you were so tormented, with seemingly no way for me to help, was very difficult for me. And I know it's nothing in comparison to what you're battling, but I had still failed what I promised myself when you were born."

"I care about you Tyler, and I never want anything bad to happen to you. But it has, and now I want to support you. I want to make up for all the clues and hints I missed when you were a child, and I want to make up for how unhelpful I was whilst Josh was away. I want to make up for all the appointments I didn't go to, and all the times I called your mom or Josh to help you rather than helping you myself. I know I wasn't there for you much in the past, but I'm here now. I'm here now and I'm trying my best. I want to do what's right for you, and sometimes my ideas aren't logical, like getting angry at your husband for helping you take a big step in recovery, but my heart's in the right place. Just tell me what I can do Tyler,"

"Start by giving me a hug,"


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you don't know, a section is the name for the part of the law that enables hospitals to keep a patient detained without their consent. There's a couple of different types but that's not really important. They're used if the patient is deemed a risk to themselves or others x

"So as you know, your section runs out in an about 5 minutes Tyler, so after that point we can't legally keep you here. Well, except if we detain you under another section, but that would last either 28 or 90 days, and the whole team is in agreement that we won't be doing that." Dr Casey told Tyler from across the meeting table.  
"Does that mean I can go home?" Tyler asked,  
"Yes, but you don't have to. If you would like to then you can stay here for a few more days as a voluntary patient," she explained.

"Thanks but no thanks," he quickly answered, shaking his head with a smile.  
"Missing your own bed?"  
"A little, but more importantly my parents are visiting this evening," Tyler told her with a grin.

"So I take it yesterday went well?"  
"Really really well, I had a heart to heart with Dad and we all agreed that we need to start spending more time together, and we thought, why wait? So yeah, they're coming round for dinner."  
"Then don't wait, you've coped perfectly Tyler, therefore you're allowed to go."  
"Thank you so much Lauren,"  
"You've earned it, and hey, I'm still Dr Casey until you've been officially discharged." She told him with a smirk.

"Now you've still got stitches in your arm, so don't forget to keep changing the dressing and please keep the bandage on until everything is fully healed Ty. Also you'll need to go back to the general on Monday to get them removed. And if you start to feel yourself getting unwell Tyler then tell Josh, Josh you can take him to the Emergency Department again, or bring him straight back here to Campbell."  
"Okay I'll watch out for anything," Josh said.

"Are we continuing with the previous outpatient routine starting tomorrow?"  
"Yes, back to usual. We'll hold a meeting to see what needs to be changed to prevent this sort of thing happening again, but you two won't attend that. If we decide on anything then either Dr Wakefield or I will email you to arrange a meeting."  
"Okay thank you," Josh said, smiling at Tyler.

"Alright, has anybody got anything they want to say?" Dr Casey asked the room. The two nurses also in the meeting shook their heads, and Tyler and Josh both uttered no. "Okay good, right well you're free to go then Ty. Don't forget to say bye to Ryan before you sign out, and I've got some work to do at the outpatient centre tomorrow so I'll most likely see you."  
"Okay thank you so much," Tyler said as they stood up.

 

  
"Babe, what can I get you for lunch?" Josh asked his husband who was sat on the bar stool at the breakfast bar as Josh stood at the chopping board opposite.  
"I'm fine," he answered slowly,  
"Ty come on, what can I get you?"  
"I think I'm going to go for a shower," Tyler said softly, looking into the distance a little dazed.

"No sweetheart, don't do that. You already showered when we got home from the hospital, and now it's time for lunch." Josh told him calmly.

"I think I, I think I missed a bit," he stuttered quietly, still staring at nothing.  
"You didn't Tyler, you showered twice to make sure. I'm having a sandwich now, would you like a sandwich or something different?"  
"I think I'm going to, I think I'm going to go next door,"  
"We can go next door in a minute if you'd like to, but I want you to at least try and have some lunch first. You don't have to eat it all, but you have to try, that's the agreement." Josh told him, but he didn't reply.

"Tyler."  
"Yes?" He asked faintly.  
"Lunch sweetheart."  
"Oh, oh okay,"  
"Babe do you want to talk about anything? Is something up?"  
"Up?"  
"Yeah, is there something I can do to help you concentrate a bit?"  
"Oh," Tyler said innocently, still staring into the distance.

Josh walked around the breakfast bar and sat on the stool next to Tyler, then took his hand and held it tight.  
"Tyler look at me babe," Josh told him, and Tyler slowly turned his head towards Josh but didn't move his eyes until the last moment.  
"Sorry," he said, still seeming confused. He used his bandaged hand to rub his face and eyes before running it through his hair, then shook his head for a second.

"Sorry sorry, I was away with the fairies."  
"Fairies?"  
"Figure of speech, don't worry." Tyler explained with a small smile, followed by a yawn.  
"You okay though?"  
"I think so,"  
"Feeling alright about your parents coming round?"  
"No,"  
"No?" Josh asked concerned.  
"Feel sick, I'm terrified, but uh, I have to do it, I want to do it."  
"Ty you don't have to, we've had an exciting week or two so we need to make sure we give ourselves some breaks yeah? Nobody will mind if we postpone this evening for a while and have a quiet night in."  
"Exciting?" Tyler repeated,  
"Okay, challenging then. I just think with the bad panic in the bathroom, the hallucination at the outpatient clinic when Lily brought you back followed by a crappy evening, then visiting Debby and everything that happened with my sister and the hospital admission; maybe rushing into another evening with your parents isn't the right choice at this moment in time."  
"I want to Josh," Tyler told him uncertainly.  
"If you're sure honey," Josh checked again.  
"I'm fine," he said quickly, breaking eye contact. "Uh, will you make me a mug of soup please? I can't, no, feel like I can't eat."

 

  
Josh sighed and rubbed his face again before attempting to reread the paragraph he had just typed. He couldn't concentrate and although his eyes ran over the words, they weren't going in. In the past 45 minutes he had written less than 500 words of the 25000 word report his boss expected on his desk on Monday.

With another frustrated sigh, he walked out of his office and into the kitchen and flicked on the kettle.

Josh leaned against the counter as he waited for the water to boil, and looked over at Tyler who was sat at the breakfast bar writing in a notebook.

"Hey, how's it going?" Tyler asked as he noticed Josh staring at him.  
"Well it turns out that writing a report about using 23-b-3 Spurious Class Action Precedent to contest a class certification order based on lack of commonality and numerosity is actually really boring." Josh answered with a smile.  
"Shock horror," Tyler replied sarcastically.

"How about you? Whatcha writing?"  
"Nothing really, I journaled for a bit," he said, tapping the closed red journal he'd set to the side, "and now I'm just trying to finish this poem thing but I'm not making much progress." Tyler finished, now tapping the open black notebook.

Josh finished making his coffee then walked towards him and Tyler rotated the page so he could see.

 _ Hole in the Ground _  
_I try so hard_  
_To fly but my heart_  
_Won't go very far_  
_No, no_  
_And my own two hands_  
_Will start bleeding again_  
_And floor will turn to_  
_To a hole in the ground_

 _The plans that I make_  
_Roads that I take break_  
_To holes that will go_  
_Where I don't know_  
_They are solid grounds illusions_  
_That write themselves off_  
_As perfectly normal solutions_

 _Pollutions in my eyes_  
_My disguise will take me_  
_Break me_  
_Won't save me this time_  
_There's a vision_  
_But you won't save me this time_  
_My decision for living_  
_Isn't mine to decide and_

 _You just seem oh-so-far_  
_Past the stars and past my heart_  
_I can almost feel you and I start_  
_To close my eyes and sing a song_  
_I will keep singing cause I'm wrong_  
_But you were singing with me all along_

 

 

"This is amazing," Josh said honestly, rereading the poem as soon as he finished it.  
"No it's not, I'm trying to write another verse thing to put at the start and I can't and it's stupid, I shouldn't have shown you, it's crap I know, sorry." Tyler rambled nervously,  
"Tyler this is amazing, no ifs or buts."  
"Thank you," he said, but Josh could tell he hadn't really believed the compliment.

"Is it a song?"  
"Uh, sort of, I mean yeah, kinda." Tyler struggled to explain, fiddling with the edge of the page.  
"What do you mean sweetie? You don't have to tell me if you don't feel comfortable." Josh asked.  
"Well in my head it's a song, or at least part of a song. Like I can hear the rhythm and I've sort of written the chords but I don't know whether it will be any good in reality until I actually sit down at the piano and work at it, but uh, yeah. I know what it sounds like mostly, I just need to pluck up the courage to touch a piano."  
"Yeah that makes sense." Josh told him, then took a sip of his coffee.

"I miss listening to you play, and I know you miss playing, so if you think of anything else I can do to make using your piano easier for you then please tell me. I know we've tried a couple of things already, but eventually we'll work out a way, I promise."  
"I think it's a lost cause Josh," Tyler said, disappointment evident on his face.  
"No don't say that, we'll figure it out." Josh tried to comfort him.  
"It's fine, I mean I'll think about it, but in the meantime you should probably get back to working." Tyler told him, and Josh understood that he wanted to be alone.

"Yeah you're probably right; your parents will be here in about an hour sweetie so I'll go get as much done as possible before they arrive. Love you,"  
"Love you too," Tyler said back as Josh picked up his coffee and walked back to his office.

 

  
"Josh! Josh they're here! Josh!" Josh heard Tyler yell. After saving the document and shutting his laptop, he quickly walked out of his office and into the main hall.

Tyler was stood by the window next to the door, watching as their car pulled up. As he heard Josh shut the office door behind him, Tyler turned around with a panicked look across his face.

"Make them leave, please, I can't, sorry, I can't do this." He stuttered, and began to run towards the stairs. Josh stood in his way and gently held him back.

"Ty it's okay, calm down sweetie." He soothed as he tried to get a gauge of the severity of Tyler's panic. "Tyler, if you really need me to then I'll send them away, but do you think you can try?" Josh asked, but before Tyler could answer there was a loud knock on the door which caused him to flinch dramatically and begin to cry.

"I can't,"  
"You don't have to. Listen sweetheart, you go to the bedroom and do your best to calm yourself down. I'll let your parents in and settle them into the dining room, then I'll come up and check on you. If you're still not feeling up to it after 10 minutes then I'll explain it to them and send them back to Zack's house, okay?" Josh said calmly, not letting the pressure of Tyler's waiting parents affect him.

Tyler nodded hurriedly and Josh let him go. After watching him run up the stairs, Josh turned to the door and opened it.

"Hi Josh, I was beginning to think you hadn't heard us! Can we come in?" Kelly said with a smile.  
"Hey, yeah come in, come in." He replied, stepping back and holding the door open for the pair to walk in.

They both remembered the routine from the day before and took off their shoes then swapped their socks, then looked up at Josh expectantly.

"Are we in the dining room again?" Chris asked when Josh didn't speak.  
"Yeah please," Josh replied, waiting as Chris lead the way.

Once they entered the room, Kelly looked around for a moment before making eye contact with Josh.  
"Where's Tyler?" She asked, trying to sound casual, but Josh could tell she was worried.  
"Uh, he's not feeling very well at the moment so he's in our bedroom."  
"Oh poor baby, do you want to go to him?" Kelly said sympathetically, concern evident on her face.  
"Yeah I'm going to head up if that's alright with you both. Hopefully he'll feel better soon, but in the meantime feel free to help yourself to drinks from the kitchen or whatever else you need,"  
"We'll be fine, go to Ty and let us know if there's anyway we can help." Chris said, whilst putting out his hand for Kelly to hold.

 

As Josh walked into the bedroom, he immediately saw the outline of Tyler completely hidden underneath the blanket on his side of the bed.

Once he stopped walking, the sounds of his footsteps no longer covered up the quiet sobs coming from the huddled man.

Josh lifted a corner of the blanket up and climbed underneath, then let it fall down on top of him as he repositioned himself so his head was in line with Tyler's.

"Tyler I'm here, honey, can you help me understand what's upsetting you?" Josh whispered softly, and watched as Tyler tried to swallow back his sobs.

They were both laying on their sides, so the blanket rested on their shoulders and left a space between them.

After a minute of Tyler calming himself down, Josh wiped a tear from Tyler's cheek with his thumb. Tyler reached towards Josh's hand and wrapped his fingers around it affectionately, Josh squeezed it in response and Tyler flashed him a short forced smile.

"I'm scared Josh," Tyler answered eventually, his voice cracking.  
"Of what sweetheart?" Josh replied slowly, stroking the back of Tyler's hand with his thumb.  
"Hurting my parents," he said before biting his lip to stop himself crying again.

"Sweetie, your parents understand that you have a lot of thoughts swirling around in that head of yours and sometimes it means you say something that-"  
"No I mean actually hurting them." Tyler explained further, a few tears escaping his watery eyes.  
"You would never hurt them Tyler." Josh stated, leaving no room for misinterpretation.  
"But I can't stop thinking of ways that I could and I'm scared that if I see them then I'll do it and I don't want to do it, I don't want to hurt them, but what if I do and I-" Tyler vented as he began to cry again.

"Ty, Ty you're okay, listen to me sweetie, you're not going to hurt them. This is one of those mean tricks that OCD likes to play, yeah? This isn't your fault, and these aren't your thoughts. It's an obsession, and that means we can ignore it. I know you won't hurt them, there's zero chance, so you just need to find the courage to ignore it and be brave with me. I promise you won't hurt them, but I'm not going to force you to see them if you don't feel up to it." Josh told him softly, and Tyler didn't reply straight away but Josh could tell he was thinking about what he had said.

After a minute, he began to speak with a wobbly and fragile voice.  
“When you were young, did you ever read The Very Hungry Caterpillar? It’s about this caterpillar, and uh, and he eats a load of stuff, and then he gets in a cocoon and becomes a butterfly. And when I was a kid, maybe 11 or 10, whenever something made me angry or upset, I’d get inside my duvet like it was my cocoon and I’d just read it over and over. And it made me think that when I came out of the cocoon, I didn’t want to be different. I just wanted what was outside to be different." Tyler said, and Josh didn't interrupt out of hope that he would continue.

"I used to get angry a lot, usually because of something Zack did. He was only little but he used to move all my toys and mess up the tidying I did in our room and I didn't know why but I hated him for it, I hated him so much, and I'd have to hide in my cocoon to stop myself lashing out. Sometimes I'd pray that he would disappear."  
"Yeah," Josh murmured, listening to Tyler intently.  
"I loved him, but every time I saw him I wanted him to know how much he made me angry. I was always trying to make him feel guilty, and he would cry all the time but he didn't understand why I was being so cruel. He thought I was a bully, and my dad did too. I was in a way. But even though I didn't have a diagnosis or label then, my mom could tell that there was something wrong with me and I couldn't help it."  
"Yeah,"

"Sometimes I would let her into my blanket cocoon."  
"Like this?" Josh asked, gesturing to the blanket above their heads.  
"Yeah, and she would talk to me for hours and hours. Calm me down if I was angry and cheer me up if I was sad. And I told her about my butterfly idea; I told her that I didn't want to change, but I wanted the outside world to change. Then whenever it was time for us to get out of the cocoon, she'd tell me that everything would be changed for the better once my feet touched the floor."  
"And that helped?"  
"Yeah,"  
"Good," Josh said with a small smile, still running his thumb along Tyler's hand.

"Now it's 17 years later and I'm too afraid to look at my mom, let alone allow her into my cocoon. And I don't want the outside to change, I want to change."  
"When you say change, do you mean get better?" Josh asked.  
"I don't know, I just want to be anybody apart from me right now." Tyler confessed dismally.

"You're going to be okay again Tyler, I promise. There's going to be a time where our biggest worry is keeping boys away from our daughter, or paying our mortgage off; you won't even remember what this crappy feeling is. And realistically, it's not going to be this week, or this month, but it will happen."  
"I know, it's just hard to keep positive knowing it could be years until I'm any better,"  
"Baby-steps, yeah? Every little victory is a stepping stone to the next and they all amount until eventually you'll beat this entirely."  
"Yeah you're right," he said with an unconvincing smile.

"Sorry for being kinda down," Tyler said, then leaned forwards and pecked Josh on the lips.  
"That's okay honey, do you think you'll be okay to go downstairs?"  
"Yeah, yeah I'll be okay, just give me a minute to wash my face." Tyler said, then pushed the blanket off them with his hand.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Decided to spice things up a bit, so this is a chapter going a little into Josh and Debby's past. Hope you like it, but if not then it's just a one off so please keep reading :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the swapping in timeline is confusing :/

It was 5.20am and Josh couldn't sleep.

He'd been sat in the dining room, in the dark, since 4.30am and had no plans to go back to bed anytime soon. Instead, he continued to stare across the room whilst absentmindedly fiddling with his wedding ring.

His eyes had grown accustomed to the poor lighting, and he could clearly make out the contents of the room. On the table in front of him was the empty glass of water he'd drunk an hour ago, three envelopes Kelly had asked him to give to Tyler, and an old photo of Debby Tyler and him that he'd picked up from the shelving unit against the wall.

The shelves stored the full dining set they had received as a wedding gift on the top shelf, then a variety of framed photos, a bible, several prayer cubes, and various trinkets on the second. The final shelf before the unit turned into a drawer-cabinet was where Tyler stored his notebooks.

Josh ran his eyes slowly over the old leather spines. They had consciously decided to keep all of them, so the shelf was crammed full. The majority of the books were faded red, Tyler's journals, but occasionally the covers were black, signifying it was filled with poetry and songs.

Although they were kept in a social space, Josh didn't ever read them without Tyler's presence or consent and he had never felt the urge to. They were Tyler's inner most thoughts and Josh respected that entirely.

  
Josh's tired gaze fell back to the table, and the photograph. He picked up the framed photo and turned it over in his hand, then turned the clips and removed the back panel. The picture fell out loose, and he placed the heavy frame back on the table.

Josh traced his fingers along the edge of the photo, and felt its familiar cross shaped creases from when he used to store it folded in his wallet. As he raised the picture to his lips and kissed Debby's face, he felt a wave of affection wash through him.

 

There had been a time in his life, a long time, where so much as seeing a photo would have dragged him right back down to the dark pit of hysterical grief.

He had never been good with words, that was Tyler's thing, but when he thought about it deeply enough, he likened grief to drowning. The constant struggle to keep afloat as wave after wave crashed down on you with no mercy, leaving you spluttering and gasping for breath. The panicked desperation. The isolation. The sheer exhaustion of attempting to survive another minute. The temptation to let the water swallow you up.

But then, after months of choking on salt-filled lungs, you begin to understand the waves, anticipate when they're coming. They still come, but you know to close your mouth. It still knocks you back and you have to battle to get to the surface again, but you don't constantly feel fractions away from going under anymore. The 100ft waves turn to 80ft, and there's now a moment to catch your breath before the next one hits. Slowly, the waves feel smaller and your breath becomes less spluttered. Occasionally a huge wave will crash down from nowhere and knock the air from your lungs and shove you back 10 steps, but you've learnt that each wave always end. They always end, and you'll always catch your breath again.

 

It took Josh about 7 months to feel able to breathe, and a year to understand the waves.

He had spent the 8 months following Debby's car crash in Indonesia, arriving with only the clothes on his back and $180 he had stuffed in his pocket. At the time he had been living in the Joseph's house as his own parents had kicked him out, but he didn't say goodbye to Tyler or the rest of the family.

Within minutes of arriving in Batam, he spent the necessary money to upgrade his free 30-day visa to a 6 month social visa without much of a plan, other than knowing that he needed to be as far away from Ohio as he could get. After three nights on the streets without eating, Josh broke the terms of his visa and got himself a job. The pay was virtually nothing, but in return for Josh moving scrap metal around a yard, the yard owner let him sleep on the floor in the office. It was hardly a glamorous job and the office was actually a shipping container with a desk, but Josh was too much of an emotional mess to care. He didn't speak Malay, and the yard owner spoke limited English so Josh wasn't exactly sure why he got fired, but after three weeks he needed a change anyway so didn't care when the owner chased him off the yard. He didn't care about anything.

The cycle continued for a couple of months; he would find a crappy job that meant he could buy food to survive, then work it for a few days, before feeling too numb and yet too overwhelmed simultaneously and need to move on. He didn't know what he was running from, but he was desperate to do it anyway.

 

He hitchhiked his way around Batam and the surrounding Riau Islands until he eventually found himself on an island, he'd lost track of the name, sat on the beach.

Occasionally he had smuggled himself across islands, or sometimes the islands were so small they didn't have official ports, but this particular island did.

When he arrived, the officer had told him that his visa was up and he had to return home. All it took was a few dollars slid across the desk for the officer to look the other way and allow Josh to enter, but it got him thinking. 

As he sat watching the waves lap at the sand, he thought of home; except he didn't know where, or even what, home was anymore. His family had disowned him so his childhood home wasn't an option, and Debby's house, which had felt like home for so many years, hardly seemed appealing either. He'd lived in Indonesia longer than with Tyler, and he doubted he'd be welcome back after his abrupt departure. Josh wasn't a crier. He didn't cry, he hadn't cried for months, but now the tell-tale mist began to cloud his vision.

Then he felt a tap on his shoulder.

He turned around and saw a young beautiful local girl; she didn't speak English but pointed towards a wooden building further up the beach and gestured for Josh to go there with her. He forced a smile, but stayed sat down. She picked up his hand and after a moment he stood up and let the child pull him to the building, which turned out to be a cafe for the locals.

The girl lead him into the cafe then through the door into a kitchen, then into a room in the back. She let go of his hand and said something in a language that he didn't understand. Thankfully he heard an English voice, and turned around to see an older woman, who he quickly learnt was Maia's mother, sat on the carpeted floor. She apologised for Maia's language skills and explained that barely anybody on the island spoke English, then invited Josh to sit on the floor with her.

The woman, Sukki, told Josh that Maia and her other daughter Sari had seen him sitting on the beach for the last few hours and they wanted to invite him in because he looked lonely and they wanted to play. Josh didn't say anything. Sukki said they were only young, but she knew that they were right, he was alone.

They sat in silence for a minute, then she asked him his name.  
_"Josh,"_  
 _"Josh you are far from home, why? Are you running?"_  
 _"My best friend died, Debby died."_ He told the stranger. It was the first time he'd ever said it and suddenly he was crying and Sukki was pulling him into a big hug and he was grabbing her tightly and sobbing and he didn't let go and she didn't let go and they didn't say anything but they didn't let go and they pulled each other closer and tighter.

 

Josh lived and worked with the family for the rest of his time in Indonesia. He learnt that Sukki's husband worked on an offshore oil rig and only came home for a few weeks of the year, so she looked after the girls and ran the cafe on her own.

He quickly came to use with carrying heavy ingredients from the local market and washing dishes, but he also spent lots of time with Sari and Maia.

Sari was the older of the two, Josh guessed about 13, and she spoke a little English but was very shy and giggled whenever Josh looked at her for the first few days.

Maia on the other hand was 6 and very confident; she loved to climb all over him, but spoke no English. 

For the first few days following his meeting of the family, he didn't speak much and barely slept or ate. He was grateful for the makeshift bed they provided him and he worked hard in the kitchen, but felt guilty about eating their food, so paid for his own from the local market.

Sukki sat with him outside whilst the girls ate their dinner before his fourth night. _  
"Josh, I don't know your life but now you know mine. Now you are a part of our family, you are a son of mine and a brother to them. Please, here we have no guests, just new members of our family. We love that you will live with us, and eat with us, and play with us. So please, take our food and think of our house as your home."_

Josh was very grateful for the warmth Sukki showed him, but it still took him time to relax into the routine of being in a family again. Slowly, he began to eat at the table with the three. Then he chose to spend time with Sari and Maia rather than throwing himself into work.

  
Josh often thought back fondly of the afternoons he spent jumping waves with the girls, or them teaching him how to braid hair, or weave toys from coconut leaves. Maia loved it when Josh threw her over his head, or lifted her upside down; they didn't speak the same language but she would babble away for hours and Josh would listen intently, smiling and laughing where he felt he should.

Sari took longer to warm to Josh, but their friendship became genuine over time. Her English was very basic, but she tried really hard and he appreciated that. One afternoon, after they had spent almost an hour teaching each other their words for a variety of objects she had gathered, she stood up from sitting across from him and sat down next to him.  
" _Josh, about your friend, I am very sorry,_ " she said nervously and slowly, her accent thick. When she noticed the slightly intrigued expression on Josh's face, she added, " _My mother_ ," and pointed towards the cafe. Josh understood how she knew, and wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close against his side, then kissed her on the top of the head.  
" _Terima kasih_ ," he thanked her in Malay, then let her go. _  
"This pronunciation is very better_ ," she said with a smile, and they moved on. It had only been a simple sentence, but Josh later realised that he hadn't felt the overly familiar gut-wrenching sinking feeling at the mention of Debby.

 

After he had been living with the family for 6 weeks, he truly felt loved and completely at ease for the first time in months.

Maia helped him to have fun and relearn how to smile and laugh, simply by being herself.

Sari had become a very close friend of his, and they had a lot of laughs together, but also heart to hearts. He spoke to her about his life at home and she was very kind when he told her about Tyler; she didn't know what every word he said meant, but she understood enough to be supportive, and her mom helped her with any translation she was stuck with. He also did his best to help her, gave her praise for being so mature in taking care of Maia, and supported her about the absence of her father, whom she missed a lot.

Lastly, Josh truly thought of Sukki as a firm friend, and as a mother. Almost every night, after the girls were sleeping in bed, they sat together at one of the cafe's tables and talked. The conversation always flowed, and the subjects ranged from gossip about the customers they had served that day, to religion, to what the girls were like as babies. Josh spoke openly about his family and sexuality when she asked, and she gave excellent advice. He even gradually began to tell Sukki about Debby, and she was very patient and supportive; he couldn't have asked for a better family to have taken him in.

When Josh told the family that he had decided he needed to go back to America, they were upset to say the least. Sari burst into tears, and once Sukki translated for Maia, Maia did the same.

That evening, Sukki sat with Josh at their usual table and told him how much he had changed their lives for the better, and he was always welcome and would always be a member of their family and be in their hearts. She gave him a warm hug, then told him about a customer of hers who would take him by boat to Singapore where he could fly to the US. He thanked her for the help, then thanked her for everything she had done and hugged her again. Once he released her, she walked into the building for a moment then came back with an envelope filled with dollars. Josh initially refused to take it, but after 20 minutes of convincing, he finally came to the conclusion that it was the only way he would be able to afford a plane ticket, and promised that he would pay her back when he came back for a visit soon.

That night, whilst he stared up at the ceiling from his makeshift bed for the last time, he heard a little girl's footsteps. He looked up and saw Maia in her nightdress, he greeted her then lifted up his blanket and let her curl up next to him and fall back asleep.

When the morning finally arrived and Sukki introduced Josh to the man who would take him to Singapore, he felt a mix of emotions. Maia had been hanging onto him since she got in bed with him the night before, and her tears almost provoked the same response from him. Sari had made him a toy fish from weaved coconut leaves, and she cried when he hugged her after she gave it to him. Sukki hadn't cried, but Josh could tell she was close to tears a few times.

When they couldn't delay his departure any longer, Sukki pulled Maia from around Josh's neck and he reached down and picked up the small bag of belongings he had accumulated over his months in Indonesia. The family walked with him to the jetty and there were yet more emotional exchanges of hugs and love. Sukki gave Josh a photograph of her and the two girls in front of the cafe, and she had written their names and address on the back, and the Malay for 'Joshua, we love you and you are forever in our hearts'. He thanked her, and promised to send letters and visit.

Josh didn't cry until the boat was so far from shore that he could no longer see them waving.

 

 

 

Josh smiled to himself, then looked around the room again. In the summer the sun would have risen by now, but the December gloom meant it was still dark. Despite this, he stood up and made his way towards the shelving unit. He put the photo back in the frame and placed it back on the shelf, then opened the drawer at waist height. After a bit of rummaging around, his fingers made contact with the photograph Sukki had given him. Josh also found a box of matches, a pad of paper and a pen, then sat down again. He struck a match and lit the candle in the centre of the table. It took his eyes a moment to adjust to the bright orange glow that now cast long shadows on the four walls, then he began to write a letter to the girls.

 

 

 

Josh flew from Singapore to LA, and stayed there for three months. It took time and patience for him to get back into the swing of living in a city again.

He slept on his grandfather's couch in Pasadena, although he barely saw him. His grandad didn't reject him when the rest of his family did, but that didn't mean he was particularly warm towards Josh either. Josh was grateful for the roof over his head, but that was all it was, a roof over his head.

He eventually plucked up the courage to go home to Columbus.

Whilst still in LA, Josh had got back in touch with reality again and that included reconnecting with friends from high school online. He was both terrified and excited as he flew to stay with his old friend Dustin in Ohio.

Dustin picked him up from the airport, and they stayed up the whole night talking. Initially Dustin was cautious around Josh, nobody from school had seen him since Debby's death 11 months ago, but after an hour or so he relaxed. They caught up on what the other had been doing since school, and Dustin was shocked at Josh's admittedly more interesting story. Inevitably the topic of Tyler came up.

  
" _How's Tyler been?"_  
 _"What do you know buddy?"_  
 _"Nothing, literally nothing at all." Josh answered honestly._  
 _"Shit man, I mean most of what I know is from what other people have told me or rumours or stuff I've read on Facebook, I haven't actually seen him for months."_  
 _"Right,"_  
 _"I don't know like details or what's actually fact or whatever,"_  
 _"Just tell me,"_  
 _"I think he had a breakdown, like a nervous breakdown. I mean I guess I'll start back when you left; he was supposed to sing at the funeral, his name was printed in the program and everything, but he didn't show up. A couple of people said he didn't go because your family were there, and he still wasn't completely healed after the attack so he didn't want to risk trouble,"_  
 _"My family went to the funeral?"_  
 _"Yeah,"_  
 _"Right, sorry, continue," Josh said, absorbing all the new information._

_"So yeah, he didn't go to the funeral or the wake afterwards. If I'm honest, I didn't think much of it, I just put it down to him needing more time to come to terms with losing Debby. Then a few days after the funeral, I was sat at home and I heard a knock at the door and it was Zack, Tyler's little bro. He asked me whether you were staying with me or if I knew where you were, and I told him I didn't know anything. He looked like he'd been crying so I asked if he was okay, and he told me that everyone was worried about you, and he also said that Tyler was convinced you'd killed yourself and it was scaring him. I didn't know what to say, and after a minute he ran off again to ask more of your friends-"_   
_"Ty thought I what?"_   
_"Killed yourself,"_   
_"Fuuckk," Josh groaned and hid his face in his hands._   
_"Josh I'm sorry, it's your first night back in Columbus, we don't need to talk about this,"_   
_"No, I need to hear it, please Dustin,"_

_"Alright man, but you say the word and I'll stop. So yeah, the last three weeks of summer I spent dealing with my own grief and worrying about you mostly. Then when September came and it was time for college, I was feeling better and started my course. Tyler was supposed to be in some of my classes but I didn't see him, then next thing I hear is that he rejected the basketball scholarship and consequently his place at college. I thought it was a shame but I understood that he probably just needed more time to grieve. Then he started putting all this weird crap on his Facebook."_   
_"Like what?"_   
_"I'm not sure how to explain it really. You remember like a year and a bit ago at Cody's party, when he started shouting all that paranoid stuff about soldiers in the garden, and he was freaking the fuck out and seeing stuff? Hallucinating or tripping or whatever it was, I don't know. But yeah, they were basically massive text posts of those same sorta ideas. They made no sense and he usually deleted them pretty quickly but I was concerned so I always checking his page and I saw the majority of them. Some were like paranoid conspiracy theories and some of them just rambles about things that were obviously terrifying him but I couldn't work out what he actually meant. Then one day he posted a suicide note. I don't really know what happened but everybody was terrified and there were hundreds of comments but nobody knew whether he'd gone through with it or what. After a few days, his mom, Karen?"_   
_"Kelly,"_   
_"Yeah Kelly, she wrote a little paragraph and sent it in reply to everybody who commented. It basically said that she was very grateful for all the support and kind words, and that Tyler wasn't well at the moment but they are looking after him and getting him the help he needs. She didn't say whether he did actually attempt to off himself but I'm pretty sure he did. You alright?"_

_"Keep going,"_   
_"Alright man. So his mom used to be my sister's basketball coach but my sister told me that they got a replacement because Kelly signed the rest of the year off, presumably to watch out for Ty. Nobody saw him for a while, he stopped going to church and everything. Then a week after Christmas I was home alone and suddenly somebody started pounding on the front door over and over. I opened it and it was Tyler, dripping wet from being in the storm outside. I would have invited him in but he had already walked past me and was walking around my living room; he was jumpy and his eyes were darting all over the place and he looked like shit. His forehead was all bruised and bloody and his lips were basically just raw bloody scabs. He had this big white bandaid on his neck, but it was starting to go clear because of the rain so I could see he had stitches underneath. There were massive shadows under his eyes and he was so skinny it was like he hadn't slept or eaten in months. He was wearing a long black jacket, it was too big for him and just enhanced how skinny and bruised he was, but I could see his knuckles and fingers sticking out the bottom of the sleeves. All his nails were chewed painfully short and his knuckles were bloody, as though he'd been fighting or something, I don't know. Anyway, he looked like crap. I asked him why he was here and he said he was looking for you, but he wasn't really paying attention to me, he just kept pacing around. I told him that you weren't here but he didn't believe me. He told me that he saw you the day before in the mall and that he knew you were hiding from him here. I knew that you hadn't come back, at least I was fairly certain, and I tried to tell him that but he was having none of it. He started looking in some of the other rooms and muttering to himself and then he randomly started crying and sat in the door frame of Dad's office. I won't lie, I was scared, and then he pulls this lighter out of his pocket and I was terrified. There was a small part of me that thought he might burn the house or something, I don't know. He flicked it on and then started burning his fingertips on his left hand. I had no idea what to do, so I told him I'd take him to you. I know I shouldn't have lied but, like I said, I didn't know how to help."_   
_"Yeh,"_   
_"He instantly put the lighter away and stood up, and we walked to my car and I began driving him back to his house. By this point, the rain was torrential and everybody else was inside their houses, but when we went down Elm Street he suddenly screamed for me to stop. I braked harshly, and he got out of the car and started shouting stood in the street but there was nobody there. I got out and told him he needed to get back in the car if he wanted to see you, and after a minute more of screaming, he did. We were both sodden and I had to drive pretty slow because of the rain, but I was still going as fast as I thought it was safe. When we got to Third Street I saw Zack, his brother, running on the sidewalk and I pulled over. Once he saw Tyler he sighed with relief, so he must have been running around town trying to find him. He climbed in the back and I carried on driving them home. Zack tried to tell Tyler that everyone had been worried about him and he shouldn't have run off, but Tyler ignored him and stared out the window. We drove in silence for a minute, then Tyler got out his lighter again and started running the flame along his fingertips again. Zack flipped and snatched the lighter off him and started yelling at him for stealing it from their parents, and Tyler told him to go fuck himself and that he wanted him to get run over. Then we arrived at their house and I parked on their drive and Tyler's mom was standing at the door and quickly thanked me then pulled him inside. Zack didn't get out, but I didn't rush him; I think he just needed a minute. We sat there and listened to the rain hammering on the roof, then he broke the silence and asked me not to say anything to anyone about what I saw that day. I promised I wouldn't, then I asked whether Tyler was okay. He just shook his head and then muttered that no, no he wasn't. I tried to tell him that if he ever needed to get out of the house then he could come to mine and I gave him my cell number but that was the last time I heard or saw any of them."_

 

After Josh heard everything, he desperately wanted to go and see Tyler, but Dustin convinced him to take his time so that he was in a fit state to help Tyler if he needed it. Josh listened to the advice and gave himself a fortnight to feel comfortable in Columbus again.

There were lots of challenges, memories of Debby seemed to be hidden round every corner, but Josh dealt with them well on the whole. His time with Sukki and the girls meant he was able to get his head straight, and that was paying off now. 

It was a coincidence that Josh saw Tyler almost three weeks after he moved in with Dustin. Dustin was at college that day so Josh went to the mall to pick up a few bits and pieces. Whilst he sat outside a coffee shop with his bags leaning against the table, he watched the passersby. His breath hitched in his throat as he saw Tyler and Kelly step off the escalator and walk his way. Josh saw the exact moment that Tyler noticed him. He literally stopped in his tracks and stared for a moment; his mom had her arm linked with his and looked across at Tyler, Josh managed to lip read their conversation.

" _Tyler, what's the matter baby, why have we stopped?"_  
 _"Mom I see Josh, I see Josh, is he real or my head?"_  
 _"Honey, Josh isn't in town right n-"_ and then she made eye contact with Josh. " _Tyler he's real_." She said, then quickly pulled Tyler along behind her as she walked straight to Josh. Josh stood up and Kelly ran the final few steps into his open arms.

 _"Josh, oh my, I can't believe it's you,"_  
 _"It's me,"_ he said as he let her go from the hug. He turned to Tyler, who had slowly made his way towards them whilst they had been hugging, and leant in to hug him but Tyler turned away and took a step back. Josh retracted his arms awkwardly, and Kelly looked at Tyler with sadness in her eyes, then back at Josh.

" _Josh we looked so hard for you, the police tracked you to Singapore. How long have you been back?"_  
 _"Uh, almost 4 months-"_  
 _"4 months. Wow. 4 fucking months. Great, fantastic, wow, wow, 4 fucking months."_ Tyler spat harshly, shaking his head and pacing with both disbelief and anger.  
" _I was in LA, Ty, I've only been back in Ohio for three weeks, I'm sorry,"_  
_"Oh! Only three weeks! Only a fucking month, that's fine then. And you're sorry?! Great. Wow. Fuck you Josh, I fucking hate you. I wish you were dead." Tyler spat, then walked off._  
 _"He doesn't mean it, he's had a tough year, I better go after him. But Josh, come round tonight."_  
 _"I don't think-"_  
 _"Josh, promise me you'll come round tonight."_  
 _"I promise."_

 

 

  
Josh finished the letter and folded it in three, then made a mental note to get an envelope and a stamp. He blew out the candle and went back to sitting in the dark, staring at the wall. It was almost 6am, so he'd need to go upstairs soon so Tyler wouldn't wake up alone, but first he gave himself another minute.

There was something strangely comforting to Josh about the early hours of the morning when everybody else was asleep. He often found himself sat downstairs, thinking about life, and it was a rare time of peace for him.

But he barely had time to relax back into his chair after blowing out the candle before he heard a blood-curdling scream from upstairs. Josh resisted the slight urge to groan, and instead stood up and carried his glass into the kitchen. He heard Tyler scream again as he began to wash up the glass, then calmly dried it up and put it away before heading upstairs to comfort his night-terror ridden husband.


	14. Chapter 14

// if anybody is keeping track, this is later on the same day (Thursday) as the previous chapter //

 

"Are you staying home from work again today?" Tyler asked as he sat on the breakfast bar stool and watched as Josh made them both cereal.

Despite its name, they never actually ate at the breakfast bar, and instead opted to have all their meals at the dining room table.

"Yeah, but I've got that report to work on so I'll be in my office most of the day."  
"Why don't you just go into work and do it there? You'll probably get it done quicker,"  
"You trying to kick me out?" Josh kidded, and Tyler shook his head with a smile.

"Trying to get me out of the house? Have you got another man on the side? Is he coming round later? Is he hotter than me?" Josh teased with a smirk.  
"Busted," Tyler said, holding both his hands up. "And yes, he's way hotter and stronger and richer than you,"

"Well he'll have to fight me for you," Josh said slowly before stepping towards Tyler and kissing him gently on the lips. He stepped back after a moment, but Tyler placed his hand on the back of his neck and pulled him against his lips again, this time more passionately.

"You'd win," Tyler whispered as they stopped, their lips lingering a few centimetres apart.

Josh stared deep into Tyler's dark eyes, then let his vision wander down his face until he unintentionally caught glance of the faded self inflicted scar on Tyler's neck. Tyler noticed him looking and the flirtatious mood dropped, he quickly moved his hand from the back of Josh's neck to his own in an attempt to hide it.

"It's looking better," Josh said honestly,  
"I hate it," Tyler told him, rubbing the scar with his fingers.  
"I know you do, but like I said, it's barely noticeable anymore."  
"I think it's getting redder again, I don't know,"  
"Turn your head sweetie, let me see," Josh said calmly, and put the side of his finger on Tyler's chin and turned it so he could see the scar properly. He could tell Tyler was uncomfortable, so he held his bandaged hand with his spare hand.

"Can I touch it?"  
"Yeh," Tyler answered, and Josh carefully moved his hand from Tyler's chin and touched the flat white scar running perpendicular to his neck. Tyler flinched.

"Sorry sorry, did it hurt?"  
"No, it's numb,"  
"Is it always numb?" Josh asked concerned.  
"Yeh, the doctor said I cut the nerves," Tyler explained, his voice a little strained from the strange angle of his neck.  
"Ah okay, you've never told me that before. Anyway, I don't think it's the actual scar going red honey, I think it's just the scratches from Sunday." Josh reassured Tyler, and Tyler turned his head back to face him again.

"Okay thanks. And uh, yeah, I mean it doesn't usually pop up in conversation I guess,"  
"Fair enough, want to go into the dining room now?"

 

  
"What are these?" Tyler asked as he finished his last spoonful and reached towards the stack of four envelopes on the table. Josh carried on eating his cereal as Tyler flicked through them and read the front of them aloud.

"Zack, Maddy, Jay and Sukki Ramdani, what are they?"  
"The last one is a letter I wrote for Sukki, Sari and Maia; I want to put in a photo before I seal and send it. And the other three were given to me by your mom last night. They're for you, they're letters written by your siblings and their name is on the front of the one they wrote."

"Oh, what are they about? Have you read them?"  
"No. Kelly said that they hadn't sealed them so I could check they were okay, but I decided that you could cope with whatever they've written."

"Yeah, thanks," Tyler said, playing with the envelopes.  
"That's alright, do you want to read them?" Josh asked.  
"Yeah yeah, just give me a minute," Tyler said, staring at the envelope from Zack.

"Maybe don't start with Zack's, try Jay's first and see how it goes?"  
"Yeah, um, do you mind taking it out of the envelope for me?" Tyler asked nervously.

Josh picked up the envelope with Jay written on it and pulled a card out. Rather than handing it back to Tyler, he stood up from his seat opposite and walked round the table and sat next to him.

Tyler took the card in his hand and smiled at the front. Printed along the top were the words 'this was the cheesiest card I could find,' and underneath was a clip art image of a cheeseboard. He opened the card and Josh read over his shoulder.

 

 _To Tyler,_  
_Happy Birthday! Hope you have a great day,_  
 _I know I'm just your annoying little brother but I love you and miss you man,_  
 _If you ever need to get annihilated at Super Smash Bros Melee then hit me up._  
 _In all seriousness, I'm only ever a call away for anything you ever need._

_If you want to, then it would mean a lot to me if you came and watched one of my basketball games, we have a non-conference away game against CIHS on Sunday 13th. I know that they're only round the corner from where you and Josh are living, so it would be amazing to see you there. The crowds won't be big, it should be relatively friendly. And if you can't then there are games almost every week, so maybe another day._   
_It's been two years since you came to a game, so hopefully I've improved :)_   
_I'm currently the Warriors' pointguard, following in your footsteps, and hopefully making you proud._   
_Also, I'm really proud of you, big bro,_

_Well done on getting out of hospital, happy birthday, and I love you,_   
_Jay_

 

"Aw that's sweet of him," Josh said once he finished reading the card.

Tyler didn't say anything, and Josh watched him reread the card a few more times, then Josh ruffled his hair.

"You alright?"  
"Two years, it's been two years since I watched him play,"  
"Yeah, time flies,"  
"I'm such a crappy brother," Tyler said, putting the card down and rubbing his face.  
"No you're not Tyler,"

"Are we free?"  
"What? You're seriously considering going?" Josh replied, not attempting to mask his surprise.  
"Yes,"  
"Tyler I don't think that's a good idea. He said there are games all the time, let's just wait a few more weeks then think about it."  
"Josh I'm going, he wants me there." Tyler said defiantly, sounding confident but looking terrified.  
"No, I'm sorry but no." Josh said firmly, he felt guilty but knew it was for the best.  
"Why not?" Tyler asked quietly, avoiding eye contact and fiddling with his bandage.  
"You know why Ty. Honey, you've only been out of hospital a day, and I'm already worried you're pushing yourself too far with hosting your parents twice. It's almost Christmas and I want this year to be as easy and happy for you as possible, so let's not risk anything, yeah? Let's just focus on getting through the next few weeks incident free. And I promise we can go watch a game at some point, but not just yet."

"If I talk to Dr Wakefield about it, and he says yes, will you take me?"  
"Probably not honey, but I'll think about it. Are you going to your appointment with him today?"

"Yeah, I need to go to the train station soon otherwise I'm going to be late."  
"You alright going by yourself? I can come." Josh asked, trying to make up for upsetting him.  
"No it's fine," Tyler said and walked out sulkily.

 

  
A few hours after Tyler had left the house to go to the outpatient hospital, Josh was still sat at his computer staring at the screen. He'd managed to make a lot more progress that day, and proof read the half-completed report for any errors.

His concentration was broken as he heard the front door open.

"Tyler, I'm in my office, can you come here please sweetie?" He called out, wanting to apologise for being over-protective at breakfast.

"Hiya, only me," Josh heard a women say, and looked around to see Amanda poking her head through the door.

As Josh swivelled his chair to face the nurse, she stepped inside the room.

"Oh hi Amanda. Sorry, thought you were Ty, I didn't hear you knock,"  
"No I used my key," she explained with a grin, reaching into the pocket of her fleece and showing him the key.

The fleece had the hospital's small logo printed on the left chest, and she wore a breakaway lanyard with her ID around her neck, but otherwise she was dressed in her own clothes.

"Oh of course you did, sorry, my mind blanked for a second. Tyler's at the hospital right now, but is there anything I can get you in the meantime?"  
"Yeah, he usually gets back at about 1.10 on a Thursday and he likes me to be here before him. I was actually going to put the kettle on, you're more than welcome to join me." Amanda told him, and Josh remembered how familiar she was with their lives.

He stood up and followed her into the kitchen, then sat on a stool and watched as she directed her way around their drawers without hesitation and quickly made them both coffee.

"Thanks," he said as he took the hot mug in his hand and blew it to cool it down.  
"Not a problem. So how come you're home today?" Amanda asked and lent against the counter.  
"I take it you know what happened on Sunday?"  
"Yeah, Dr Casey filled me in yesterday." She explained.  
"Yeah, well I didn't feel right leaving him this morning and my boss gave me the whole week off so I'm taking advantage of the offer."

"How was he this morning?" Amanda asked sincerely.  
"He was screaming through the night again, but he didn't remember when he woke up so that's a relief. And yeah, he was in good spirits, and we had breakfast together. His parents visited last night and left letters from his siblings for him. He read one from his youngest brother Jay, and he invited us to go watch a basketball game but I said it wasn't the right time and I think that upset him a bit. But otherwise he was good,"  
"Good good, how about you?"  
"I'm well thanks, glad to have him home, you?"

"I'm great, I just dropped my daughter Libby off at Granny and Grandad's for a sleepover so I've got a night for myself tonight which I'm looking forward to." Amanda answered before sipping her coffee.

"Aw bless her, she must be almost old enough to be starting school soon,"  
"Yeah, she starts next September."  
"Wow, they grow up so quick; I remember when she was small enough to hold in one arm. You should bring her around one day, it'll be lovely to see her again,"  
"As nice as that sounds, I have to remember that this is work and I doubt Tyler would appreciate me bringing a toddler." She said, watching as Josh drank his coffee.

"He loves Libby, it might be fun for him," Josh smiled.  
"I know he loves her, but he's struggling with little kids at the moment." She told him seriously, surprising Josh a little.

He knew that Tyler had avoided children immediately after his second admission out of fear that he would hurt them, but Josh hadn't realised that those same obsessive thoughts had returned.

Amanda waited patiently as he connected the dots. He suddenly understood why Tyler didn't want to see any photos of Zack's son Ben when both he and Kelly had offered on multiple occasions, and why he had looked so uncomfortable when Kelly and Chris told stories about Ben on their visits. He groaned at his own naïveté.

"I didn't realise," he explained.  
"That's okay, you can't be expected to know everything Josh," she comforted, "It's my job to know these things. Anyway it's a good thing that you two talk about things other than his mental health. I get that it's this huge part of your lives, but it's only going to seem bigger if it's all you ever talk about. I know that Tyler sometimes feels like he's nothing more than a bunch of diagnoses, so it's more important that you show him how much more he is than that, rather than talk to him about his latest bad thought."  
"Yeah," Josh said, finishing his coffee and thinking before asking,

"Do you think I was too quick to say no to Jay's basketball game?"  
"I think you know what's going to be easiest for him, but maybe he doesn't need easy." Amanda replied, smiling sympathetically.  
"Basketball was such a big part of his life, and it stills plays such a pivotal role in his family's life. Maybe it would be good for him to go,-" Josh thought aloud, then came to a stop as he heard the front door open.

A moment later Tyler entered the kitchen.

"Hi guys," he said with a smile, but Josh quickly noticed the tears running down his face. Josh reached out a hand and Tyler took it, then walked closer and let Josh wrap him in a quick hug.

"You good?" Amanda asked him, Tyler nodded and wiped his face with his hoodie sleeve then sat on the stool next to Josh.

"Uh, this is for you," Tyler said hurriedly and pulled a folded piece of paper out of his pocket and passed it to Amanda.

Whilst Amanda quickly skimmed the letter, Josh looked across at Tyler and mouthed quietly to him.  
"Are you okay?"  
"Yeh," Tyler answered, wiping his face again, "I was just thinking about my family,"  
"Don't worry sweetheart, they're safe I promise." Josh said, jumping to conclusions of what might be upsetting him.  
"I know, I just miss them," Tyler explained, causing a whole new flurry of tears to cascade down his cheeks. Josh hopped off his stool and let Tyler bury his face in his chest and wrapped his arms firmly around him.

"Tyler, did you read this?" Amanda asked after they hugged for a minute. Tyler shook his head. "It's just a little message from Dr Wakefield, he's a bit worried about you honey. He's written here that you weren't very well this morning, and you didn't go to your group and only went to half of his session. Is that right?"  
"Yeah," Tyler answered honestly,  
"He's said that he wants you stay with either me or Josh for the rest of the day, does that sound reasonable to you?"  
"Yeah," Tyler said with a nod, pulling his sleeves over his fingers.

"Alright awesome, now, because you were at Campbell on Monday we didn't go and buy any groceries. By my logic, you two must be running out of food, so you give Josh another hug and then we'll get going to the store yeah?" She said encouragingly, standing up and collecting her and Josh's empty mugs and moving them to the sink.

Tyler did as she said and gave Josh a tight hug, Josh kissed him on top of his head then ruffled his hair and let him follow Amanda into the main hall and towards the front door.

Only a few minutes after Tyler had arrived, Josh waved them both off and made his way back into the kitchen.

He noticed that Amanda had left the paper from Dr Wakefield in his place on the counter. He picked up the handwritten letter and read it.

 

_Amanda,_

_I'll type and email this to you in depth this evening, but for the time being I've asked Tyler to pass this on._

_I have cause for concern regarding Tyler's current wellbeing, and would be very interested in your opinion on suggesting he is admitted to Campbell Psych for a short period of respite care._

_With the increasing frequency of his psychotic events, I believe that it's best for us to intervene before he relapses any further. Also with the recent self-inflicted injury to his arm, I want everybody involved in his care plan to be on high alert._

_This morning he experienced a psychotic event that prevented him from attending his group session and the first half of our private session, telling staff that he saw a young girl with Down syndrome called Ruby. This is a recurring hallucination, as I'm sure you remember, and I'm concerned with its return after no reported events for several months._

_I'll email you the details on a crisis meeting tonight with his whole team to decide whether we will section Tyler, or propose that he admits himself voluntarily, or whether inpatient treatment is needed at all._

_For now, Tyler needs to be supervised constantly. Please liaise with Josh and your area manager to ensure this happens,_   
_Best Regards_   
_Dr Charles Wakefield_

 

 

  
Tyler played with his dinner, separating the salad leaves by colour with his fork.

He hadn't spoken much since he came home from the store with Amanda, but Josh hadn't pushed him to. Instead Josh ate his own dinner and watched Tyler's carefully performed movements, trying to guess what was going on inside his head.

Josh yawned, and Tyler's head snapped up.  
"Sorry, I'm a bit tired."  
"Why?" Tyler asked quietly, looking back down at his uneaten plate.  
"Just been working hard today I suppose." Josh lied, not wanting to tell Tyler that he had been up since 4.30am thinking about the months following Debby's death.

"No. I mean why are you sorry." Tyler said dismally, suddenly dropping his fork and letting it crash against his plate loudly, startling Josh a little.

"It's not your fault, it's mine. It's me who should be saying sorry, it's because of me that you're always tired and it's because of me that you-" Tyler spat angrily.  
"Tyler stop it." Josh interrupted firmly.  
"Why?! It's true!" Tyler half asked half shouted, then threw himself against the back of his seat and began chewing his nails and staring into the distance.

"Honey, where's Ruby?" Josh asked calmly, knowing that Tyler was most likely hallucinating. Tyler took a moment to decide how to react to the question, then made eye contact with Josh again.

"She's not real," he told Josh flatly, the statement that years of therapy had drilled into him.  
"No she's not, but that's not important; is she here now?" Josh asked, and Tyler nodded once. "Where is she?"  
"She's uh, she's there," Tyler mumbled, pointing to the corner of the room with his finger.

Josh watched as Tyler's pointing hand opened into a small wave, then quickly closed into a fist which Tyler then recoiled and buried in his hoodie pocket. Josh could see the battle in Tyler's mind between what he could see and what he was told he should see.

"Ty, you can talk to her if you want." Josh reassured him.  
"She's not real." Tyler muttered again, pulling his feet up onto the chair and wrapping his arms around his knees.

"Will you tell me about her?" Josh asked, looking over at where Tyler had pointed.

"She's uh, she's sweet, and uh," Tyler slowly stammered. "She's not real." He suddenly flipped, throwing his palm up to his face and pounding his forehead.  
"Tyler, stop it, it's your choice whether we talk about her or not, but I need you to stop hitting yourself sweetie."

"Shh, just shush," Tyler hissed. Josh wasn't sure whether he was talking to him or Ruby, so he sat quietly and watched him carefully.

As Tyler seemed to be getting more and more worked up, Josh spoke again.  
"Sweetie, do you want me to get a dose of antipsychotics? It will make her go away,"  
"No! I don't want her to go, I don't want her to leave, she's my friend," he quickly replied, staring at where he could see her, tears filling his eyes.  
"I won't make you, I promise, but she's upsetting you babe. Friends don't upset each other."  
"She's so young, so young and small and precious and God looks after her but He let her fall, He let her fall and her mom painted her room pink and now it's red and-" he had to stop and gulp down a shaking deep breath, tears flowing fast now. Josh stood up and hugged the now hysterical man.  
"Ty, it's okay sweetie, you're okay, I'm going to stay here with you I promise, you're okay."


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I've rewritten this a couple of different ways before settling on this, even though I'm not totally happy :/ just remember that Tyler's thoughts don't exactly follow the normal processes that a healthy mind would, so things that may seem random are actually really logical to him x
> 
> People with mental health issues have good days and bad days just like everyone else, and I hope this chapter shows a slightly better day for Tyler whilst still seeming realistical. I know from my own personal experiences that mood swings are illogical and one day you can be so so happy, even if the day before was crappy af, so bare that in mind before passing this off as unrealistic xx

"Morning sunshine," Josh said with a smile as Tyler woke up.

He'd been awake himself for a while again, but chose to stay in bed rather than retreat to his usual early-hour dining room routine.

Tyler grumbled and rubbed his face before propping himself upright to match Josh.

As he put his weight on his arms he winced, but Josh decided not to call him up on it. He was thankful that Tyler had agreed to keep the bandage on his dressing for this long and didn't want to mention the wound out of concern of jeopardising that.

"Morning," Tyler replied, his voice deep and soft.  
"I'll give you a minute to properly wake up, then I want to talk to you about today." Josh told his half-asleep husband.

Tyler yawned and Josh passed him a glass of water that he had got earlier; a few seconds later and Tyler had taken his medication and emptied the entire glass, smacking his lips once he finished.

"Thanks,"  
"That's okay, right, so I thought that today we could have a day just for us. I'm gonna take the day off work, and you can take the day off clinic, and we can do whatever the hell we want. Just a chance to relax and recollect after a hectic week or two."  
"Can we build a fort?" Tyler asked innocently, excitement evident in his eyes.  
"Yes, absolutely we can build a fort, that sounds awesome." Josh said smiling.  
"Sounds sick," Tyler corrected with a laugh.

 

  
"Humankind have constructed defensive works for thousands of years, in a variety of increasingly complex designs. From very early history to modern times, walls have been a necessity for cities to survive in an ever changing world of invasion and conquest." Tyler began his speech, standing on the armchair with his hands on his hips like a leader addressing an army.

He struggled to stifle his giggles and Josh was already overcome by a fit of laughter.

"In spite of this, no mortal has yet cracked the perfect design for a blanket fort. Well that changes today. In the Dun-Joseph living room, December 4th 2015, history will be made." And with that, he jumped off the chair and into a pile of cushions they had raided from around the house.

"How inspiring," Josh laughed as he offered Tyler his hand and pulled him up.  
"Shut up. I'm the brains of this operation,"  
"Does that make me the brawn?"  
"Exactly, you can finally put those pecs to good use." Tyler teased, pushing Josh's chest with his hand.

He then curled his fingers around the fabric of Josh's T-shirt and pulled him close until their bodies were only a few centimetres apart. Josh rested his arms around Tyler's waist and Tyler wrapped his arms around the back of his neck, causing their foreheads to connect.

Despite being in a relationship with Tyler for near a decade, he still felt butterflies as they stared into each other's eyes.

Josh felt himself smiling like an idiot as Tyler's eyes dropped to Josh's lips.

"Josh," Tyler said slow and deep,  
"Yeah," Josh answered, having to fight the urge to kiss him.  
"Get to work," he quickly joked, laughing at Josh's obvious disappointment as he pushed him away playfully.

"Bully," Josh sulked.  
"Naw Jishwa, come back," Tyler smiled then the next thing Josh knew, he had slammed his lips to his and nearly knocked all the wind from his lungs.

He hardly had a moment to react before Tyler pressed his tongue to the seam of Josh's lips and, at his grant of access, delved inside his mouth. They moved in perfect sync, knowing exactly what the other craved. Josh ignored his growing desperation for breath, not wanting the moment the end.

Eventually he couldn't take it anymore and tore his lips from Tyler's. Tyler laughed a little as Josh caught his breath.

"Not bad," Josh told him with a grin.  
"Not bad? I can do better than that, let's try again." Tyler said and pressed his lips against Josh's.

 

  
"Do you remember folding sheets for your mom when I first moved in?" Josh asked as they each took two corners of the sheet and lifted it over the top of their half completed fort as a roof.

"Yeah, Thursday nights."  
"Yeah that's right," Josh remembered fondly.  
"I think that was why she loved you so much, you did the laundry," Tyler said with a smile.  
"And because I'm an awesome human,"  
"Oh and that yeah," Tyler added, carefully tucking the edge of the sheet between two cushions.

"She always used to say, oh Joshie is such a good influence on you Ty, he's such a helpful boy. And I'm like, Mom, you kept me homeschooled purely to help you around the house, where's my praise?"  
"You're just jealous because I'm her favourite son,"  
"Does that make us brothers?" Tyler joked,  
"Actually that's too weird. Wayy too weird," Josh said, shaking his head and pulling a disgusted face.

"Can you toss me a couple of those pillows?" He asked, gesturing to the pile behind Tyler.  
"Yup," Tyler answered, picking up one and throwing it at Josh.

Josh wasn't paying full attention and the pillow hit him in the face, causing Tyler to burst into laughter.

"Hey!" Josh complained, then threw the pillow back at Tyler.

Before long they were hectically throwing whatever they could get their hands on at each other, ducking and laughing.

"Truce, I call truce!" Tyler yelped as Josh trapped him in a corner and started hitting him with a pillow in each hand.   
"Haha alright, but I totally won." Josh laughed, dropping them on the floor.

"Welp the fort is ruined," Tyler smiled, hands on his hips, shaking his head as he surveyed the mess of pillows and blankets on the living room floor.

"Looks comfy though," Josh said, then superman jumped onto the pile.

Tyler laughed at him, then stepped carefully on the uneven pile until he was next to Josh and sat down. They both smiled and caught their breath after the madness of the pillow fight.

"Oh crap," Tyler said suddenly.  
"Ty? What is it?" Josh asked seriously, he sat up and looked across as Tyler.

Tyler raised his left arm and showed Josh the bandage that had started to unravel.

"That's okay babe, we can do it back up," he comforted.   
"No, no I don't want to,"  
"So what do you want to do?" Josh asked, taking Tyler's hand in his and picking up the loose end of the fabric.

"Uh, this needs to, has to come off. Have we got any other new bandages?" Tyler told him.

He could tell that it was upsetting Tyler for whatever reason, but Josh watched proudly yet anxiously as he did his best to keep himself together.

"I'm fairly certain there's some in the kit in the utility room, you good on your own for 30 seconds whilst I run and grab one?" Tyler nodded.

"Okay, don't touch it till I'm back," Josh said, then quickly clambered off the pile and jogged to the utility room. It only took him a moment to find an appropriate fresh bandage and grab some medical tape, then run back to Tyler.

 

"I didn't touch it," Tyler told him uncomfortably, looking in the opposite direction of his arm.  
"Good," Josh said with a smile, sitting back down cross legged.

"You okay?"   
"Just need this off." He replied with a small smile that didn't match his frightened eyes.  
"Okay babe," Josh said, taking Tyler's left hand with one hand and pushing up Tyler's hoodie sleeve with the other. The bandage was already loose so Josh was able to quickly begin unwinding it whilst still holding Tyler's hand.

"It's off,"  
"Thank you," he said quietly, now looking at his arm.   
"Do you want the new one on now, or do you wanna give your arm a minute to breathe?" Josh asked, folding the old bandage up and shoving it in his pocket.   
"I'm okay for a minute," Tyler told him, now inspecting his arm closely.

A white dressing still covered the stitches, but scabs had formed where Tyler had scratched himself deeply. Josh watched closely as Tyler traced the lines with his fingertips.

"Ty, don't pick them sweetie, they might scar." Josh said gently, rubbing Tyler's thigh as he began to play with an end of a scratch.  
"I'm not." Tyler said, quickly moving his finger from the scab to where his skin warped and twisted from a deep scar on the inside of his wrist.

"Doubt you would be able to notice anything though, can you even get scars on scars?" Tyler asked sadly.  
"Of course I'd notice," Josh told him.

He linked their fingers then lifted their hands to his lips and kissed it softly.

"You okay?"  
"Yeah yeah, sorry for ruining the mood," Tyler answered quietly.  
"You didn't, I'm getting to spend time with my favourite man so I'm happy," Josh told him truthfully. "Just let me know when you want me to do a new bandage, yeah? But until then, I trust you to not wear one."   
"Thank you," Tyler said sincerely, then repositioned himself to sit next to Josh rather than opposite him.

Josh wrapped his arm around Tyler's shoulders then kissed him on the forehead. The pair rearranged a few pillows around behind them until they made a comfortable surface for them to lie back against.

Josh lay straight whereas Tyler turned slightly so he could lean against Josh's chest. They lay in comfortable silence for a minute, but it was interrupted by rumbling sounds coming from Tyler's stomach.

"Hungry?" Josh teased with a smile  
"Actually I kinda am," Tyler admitted with a guilty grin, "and breakfast was what? Like an hour ago?"  
"Yeah, an hour. And to think you used to go 2 or 3 or even 4 days without eating," Josh said lightheartedly. Tyler smiled and thought for a moment before replying.  
"I did 8 once,"  
"You did 8 what sweetheart?" Josh asked a little confused.  
"8 days without eating,"  
"Oh, honey, I didn't know that was even possible,"   
"Yeah, I mean I was hardly in good health, but I did it,"  
"Whilst I was in Indonesia right?"  
"Right." Tyler confirmed, then his stomach rumbled again.

"Do you want me to get you something to eat?" Josh offered.  
"No. Stay with me a minute." Tyler said, gripping Josh tightly.  
"It's okay, I'm not going anywhere sweetie." Josh told him firmly.

"Josh, why don't we ever talk about that year?"   
"Uh, I think we don't because it was crap. It was the worst year of both of our lives, at least in my opinion, and I don't see any real advantage of always looking back. I mean it was 7 years ago, and things have changed a lot. We've got our own stuff to deal with right now, we don't need to deal with stuff from then as well. But if you want to talk about it, then we can." Josh said, running his hand through Tyler's hair.

Tyler seemed to contemplate the offer for a minute before finally deciding he did.

"Do you regret going?" He asked softly,  
"Um," Josh thought, "I regret some of the little choices I made, but the actually decision to go to Indonesia, no. I know you needed me, but I doubt I would have been able to help because I was a mess myself. And anyway, I wouldn't have known how to. So yeah, I'm glad I took the time I needed and also I'm glad I met the girls,"  
"What are the little things?"   
"Well I regret not leaving a note to say I was leaving, and also spending so long in LA. 3 months was too long, I probably only needed a few weeks before I should have come to Columbus."  
"No, no it was good that you stayed away." Tyler said hollowly.

"What do you mean honey?" Josh asked, twirling Tyler's longer hair in his fingers.  
"You know I was sick when we met up again? Well I was really really sick in the months before that."  
"I know you were babe-"  
"You just know what Zack and my mom, and maybe Dustin, told you," Tyler said softly, playing with the fabric of Josh's shirt. "But yeah, I'm relieved you didn't see me like that,"

"It wouldn't have changed anything if I had," Josh reassured him.  
"It would. It did with my family, with Zack," Tyler said sadly.  
"Well it's a lot for any family to go through, it's nobody's fault, it's just the way it is. And that reminds me sweetie, we've still got letters from Maddy and Zack to read."

"Oh yeah,"  
"Also, I've been thinking and I reckon, if you still want to, we can go to Jay's basketball game next weekend."

"Wait really?" Tyler asked, lifting his head off Josh's chest to face him, a big smile already forming.   
"Yes really. It will be fun, and it's also a nice little tester to see how much we can manage for Christmas. And I know how much you wanna go, so let's do it."  
"Thank you so so much," Tyler said, sitting up and grinning. "Ah it's gonna be awesome."  
"You want me to go tell your mom?"  
"Can we just surprise them?"  
"Alright then, proud of you Ty,"  
"Shut up ya idiot,"

 

 

  
"Okay, would you rather be a potato, or eat a potato and feel it's pain?" Tyler giggled.  
"What?" Josh laughed with a smile, taking another spoonful of ice cream from the tub they were sharing and eating it as he contemplated the question.

"Gonna have to go with feeling it's pain I reckon. Alright my turn, would you rather be a vampire or a wizard?"  
"Easy. Wizard."  
"Really? I'd go vampire everyday."  
"You're kidding right? If you were a vampire then you wouldn't be able to eat ice cream," Tyler said, taking another spoonful.

"True, but I'd get to be all pale and mysterious, which is my inner aesthetic," Josh told him.   
"You got that going for you already," Tyler told him, then kissed him quickly.

"Nah I'm still going wizard, the whole blood trigger would kinda spoil being a vampire. Plus if I were a wizard then I could go to Hogwarts and meet Freddie Stroma," Tyler continued.  
"Who the hell is Freddie Stroma?" Josh laughed.  
"He's the hottie who plays Cormac McLaggen in Harry Potter."  
"Yeah nope, never heard of him. Not everyone is a mega Potterhead like you,"  
"I'd hardly say I'm a Potterhead, they were just the only movies they played at Campbell so I watched them like everyday. And it's not just Potterhead's who find him attractive, it's anybody with eyes."  
"If you're trying to make me jealous then it's not working," Josh told him with a smirk.  
"Don't worry Jishwa, nobody even comes close to you." Tyler said flirtatiously, then tapped Josh on the nose with his spoon leaving a smudge of ice cream behind.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quite simply, Josh's memory of going to Tyler's house for the first time after returning from Indonesia and LA

//In case it wasn't clear, this is Josh's memory of going to Tyler's house for the first time since Debby died//

 

 

Josh sat at the dining room table, anxiously fiddling with the string of his cross necklace. After what Dustin had told him and the way Tyler had reacted at the mall earlier that day, he had no idea what to expect from the evening ahead of him.

The room had barely changed from when he lived with Tyler, but almost everything else had changed.

As he had arrived, he was shocked to see the size that the now 10 year old Jay had grown too; he also received a hearty hug from Tyler's dad Chris, and another from Kelly.

Kelly soon explained that Maddy was away at summer camp, but Zack was in the shower and would be down soon. There was no mention of Tyler. 

"So you're staying with Dustin? From school?" Kelly asked awkwardly.  
"Yeah, I'm going to start looking for somewhere more permanent pretty soon but for now his apartment is a nice place to get back into the swing of Columbus life."  
"I'm really sorry that I'm not in the position to offer you a place here just right now, but if you need any support, financial or something else, with finding a place then please ask." Kelly said apologetically.  
"No no I understand, and that's very kind but too much to ask, thank you though." Josh replied.

"Mom! Tyler's in the kitchen again," Zack yelled from another room.

Kelly made a rushed apology before quickly walking out of the dining room, leaving Josh alone.

A few seconds later, Zack walked in. His hair was dripping wet and his clothes stuck to his still damp body, and he smiled as he made eye contact with Josh.

"Hey," Josh greeted him.  
"Jesus, if it isn't the elusive Joshua Dun," Zack said before giving him a quick hug. "Didn't expect I'd ever see you again, you like to cause trouble don't you?!"   
"Sorry," Josh apologised sincerely; despite Zack joking, Josh knew that his absence had caused a massive impact on him.  
"Where have you been hiding then?"

"Oh fuck you!" Josh heard Tyler shout, shocking him a little.

"Should we do something?" Josh asked Zack concerned.  
"Nothing we can do, it's like this constantly with him, don't waste your breath." Zack told him. "You just learn to ignore him."

"It's fucking bullshit, I fucking hate you," Tyler shouted through the walls again.

"He's not allowed in the kitchen, dunno whether Mom explained it to you, but yeah, he gets a little angry when you try and tell him what to do. I caught him trying to light a spliff on the stove. What you're hearing now is basically every single time you try and talk to him." Zack explained casually.

Before Josh could reply, the dining room door swung open and Tyler charged in, followed closely by Kelly.

"Zack give me a fucking light," Tyler barked, an unlit spliff hanging to his bottom lip.  
"I don't have one."  
"Bullshit. Give me a fucking light you lying piece of crap." He spat.  
"No Tyler, I don't have one since you smashed up my last. And anyway, Mom doesn't want you smoking, so do me a favour and get out of my face." Zack said calmly, barely looking up from the text he had begun to type.

"Oh go fuck yourself Zack," Tyler shouted with a glare and slapped the phone out of Zack's hands to the floor, then strode towards the drawers against the wall. He tried to open them but they didn't budge.

"Are you kidding, are actually fucking kidding me? You've locked the fucking drawers," Tyler yelled, slamming his fist down then turning towards his mother.  
"Yes sweetie, there's no smoking in my house,"  
"I'm fucking leaving, but I need you to get me a fucking flame first, understand woman?" Tyler screamed at his mother.  
"Sweetie, it's gone 7pm so the doors are all locked, you know the rules. You're not getting a light, and you're not leaving this house." Kelly said slowly and calmly.

As she finished, Jay entered the room. He was in his pyjamas and Josh suspected that he had just come down from bed.

"Mommy, Tyler's being too loud. I can't sleep." He told her, rubbing his eye.  
"Fuck off Jay," Tyler screamed at him, and he instantly began to cry. Kelly took Jay's hand, then looked across as Tyler.

"Don't worry Mom I'll watch him, night night Jay," Zack said, picking his phone up then waving at his little brother.   
"Thank you," Kelly said then lead Jay back to his bedroom, leaving just Zack Tyler and Josh in the dining room.

"Zack, I know you have the keys, come on, just do this for me," Tyler said quietly but aggressively, putting his face only a few centimetres from Zack's.  
"Of course I have the keys, I'm 18 years old, I'm allowed out of the house after 7." Zack said bluntly, not sounding at all intimidated, unlike Josh who was terrified by what he was watching.

"I'm fucking older than you, you dumb shit, let me out or I swear I'll fucking beat the crap out of you."  
"Yup you're older, but you're also sick Ty, so no. And we both know that you've got three broken knuckles from trying to beat up a wall last week, so I highly doubt you're in the position to fight me. Why don't you just sit down." Zack said, setting his phone down on the table and putting his feet up on the chair next to him.  
"It wasn't a wall," Tyler growled.  
"Tyler, it doesn't particularly matter what you saw, it was a wall."  
"Oh fuck off Zack, you don't know anything. Just get me a match from the drawer,"  
"So that you can try and set yourself on fire again?" Zack said sternly, "No, and there's nothing you can say or do to change that."

"I didn't try and set myself on fire," Tyler said solemnly, all the aggression suddenly disappearing leaving a vulnerable man behind.

"Okay," Zack said, noticing the mood change as well. "Look Ty, Josh is here."  
"Not funny." Tyler replied softly, sitting down on the floor with his back against the wall.

"Hey," Josh said, unsure of what else to say.

"Mom told me she could see him too at the mall today." Tyler said sadly, ignoring Josh and staring at his fingernails. "Why would she do that to me?" Tyler asked rhetorically.

Josh watched, then looked back at Zack who had just slid his phone across the table. He picked the phone up and read the note that Zack had typed.

**He thinks you're a hallucination**

Josh had sort of suspected it, but seeing it confirmed was like a punch to the stomach. Suddenly he felt like bursting into tears. Instead he bit his lip and swallowed it down.

As he looked back up, he saw Zack beginning to stand and walk to sit next to Tyler. He slid down the wall and copied his body position.

"This must be really confusing for you, so take your time, but Josh is really here now Ty. I can see him the same as you."  
"This isn't fair Zack, stop it," Tyler said emotionally.   
"I'm not trying to trick you." Zack reassured him.  
"He's not in town right now, you all tell me that, he's not in town right now." Tyler said, now staring at Josh with tears in his eyes.

Josh didn't know what to do, so smiled. Tyler quickly looked away.

"He wasn't, but now he is. He's really sat at the table. Tyler, it's me. You know I wouldn't go along with anything that wasn't real."  
"Are you really Zack though?" Tyler murmured. Zack looked at him, but didn't say anything. "This could all be-" then Tyler stopped.

Josh watched as Zack took the spliff from Tyler's loose grip, then stood up and walked to the locked drawers. He dug his hand in his pocket and quickly pulled out a set of keys, then found the right one for that specific drawer.

Josh glanced over at Tyler and noticed that there were tears running down his face now.

Alarmed, he looked back at Zack. He wanted to go and help but didn't know how, so instead had to sit back and wait for Zack to finish lighting the spliff and lock up again.

"Jesus Christ Tyler," Zack spluttered as he choked on the small puff he had taken. He stumbled back to sitting beside him, still coughing. "What is this shit?" He rasped, passing it across to Tyler.

"I told my guy to step it up," Tyler said, then took a long drag and held it before slowly releasing the smoke out his mouth. "And Josh told me to try mixing it with tobacco, he said they do that in England." He took another puff, "He was right, it is good."

"I've never smoked Tyler." Josh told him anxiously from across the table.  
"Come have some of this," Tyler said, finally addressing Josh.

Josh immediately stood up and went and sat on the floor opposite the two brothers. Zack smiled supportively at Josh, and Tyler stared at him.

"Tyl-" Josh started, but was immediately cut off by him.  
"You changed your hair."   
"It's just sun bleached," he explained, running his hand through it nervously.  
"I prefer the black you had last week." Tyler told him, then took another long drag before passing the spliff back to Zack.

Josh didn't know how to react, and looked to Zack for help again.

"It'll grow back black don't worry. And I think it's cute." Zack said.  
"Don't fucking call my boyfriend cute." Tyler yelled angrily, taking them both by surprise.

Then suddenly Tyler started sobbing. "Sorry," he whispered quietly, leaning his head on Zack's shoulder. "I just miss him,"

"Tyler I'm here." Josh told him desperately, his heart breaking.  
"I know you are, but you see I love," he stopped to sniff, "I used to love someone who was just like you. And then, then his best friend was in a car crash, and," he stopped again. "He died too, you see."

"Tyler I didn't. I didn't die, I went abroad for a while but now-"

"My Josh visits me sometimes, helps me. And my mom tells me he's not real. They all tell me he's not real, but he has to be. He has to be real, because my Josh would never leave me alone like they're all telling me he did. He wouldn't abandon me like they say. He would visit me, he does visit me. He wouldn't just go." Tyler said innocently, tears rolling down his face as he looked at Josh from the obscure angle his head rested against Zack at.

"I'm so sorry," Josh began, but stopped as he helplessly watched Tyler quickly take the spliff from Zack's fingertips and stick the glowing tip into the skin on his own wrist.

"Fucking hell Tyler," Zack exclaimed as snatched it out of his hand and threw it to the floor. Tyler squirmed as Zack tried to hold his wrist still.

"Dad!" Zack shouted loudly, and a second later Chris ran in.

"What happened?" He asked panicked.  
"He put out the spliff on his wrist again, can you help me?!" Zack yelled as Tyler struggled hysterically.

Josh stepped back helplessly as Chris dropped to Tyler's side and held his left arm tight against the carpet, one hand on Tyler's wrist and the other hand pushing Tyler's shoulder into the floor. Zack did the same with Tyler's right arm.

Josh watched as Tyler screamed and tossed his head around. Tyler tried to arch his back but they held their grip tight so he couldn't get away.

Kelly must have heard the screams as she ran in not long after.  
"Ty baby, Mommy's here. Shh, you're okay, stop fighting baby." She soothed as she pinned both his kicking legs to the ground. "You're safe baby,"

"I'm sorry Mom, it was my bad." Zack apologised as Tyler cried and screamed.

"Tyler Momma's looking after you, we're all looking after you, calm down baby. Stop thrashing, we're here baby, calm down." She soothed, not replying to Zack. 

Josh wasn't exactly sure why they had pinned him down but he was glad they had. He could now clearly see the deep cuts, scar and burns crowding every inch of his arms, stitches sticking out of some and surgical staples lining one.

Josh tried to look away but couldn't tear his eyes from the staples. The wound ran half the length of Tyler's inner arm and Josh could tell that he must have sliced the artery, and in his heart he knew it must have been a suicide attempt.

"Tyler stop biting," Chris told him, and Josh looked at Tyler's face. He was still thrashing it side to side but Josh could see that between screams he was biting down and through his lip, causing a thin stream of blood to run down his cheek.

"I got it," Josh said, realising he could help. He walked around then kneeled beside Tyler's head. First he pulled his hoodie sleeve over his right hand, then careful placed his left hand on Tyler's forehead to stop him twisting away; next he carefully wiped up the red liquid with his sleeve. Tyler whimpered and continued to cry, but didn't scream like he had been.

Josh watched as Tyler's entire body trembled with either fear or anger, he couldn't tell which.

Then Josh took off the hoodie and folded it a few times, carefully placing it under Tyler's head to serve as a pillow.

"Thank you Josh," Kelly said, making eye contact with him whilst keeping the grip on Tyler's legs tight.

"Tyler you're okay," Josh attempted to reassure him, and started stroking his hair. He didn't know whether they usually found a way to hold Tyler's head still, but even if they did, Josh didn't want to. He was terrified but he could tell that Tyler was too, so instead he tried to calm him down. "Shh, Ty, it's Josh, you're okay. I know you're scared but you're okay,"

 

 

 

As Josh stood in the doorframe of Tyler's bedroom and looked at how little the decoration had changed since he had lived in the room too, he felt a pang of sadness.

It had been half an hour since they had restrained Tyler, and ten minutes since he was calm enough for them to let him sit up.

Josh knew that Kelly was sat sharing an arm chair with him under a blanket downstairs. She had him cuddled tight to her like a young child, and she held an ice pack against his new burn.

He had decided they needed privacy, so went upstairs to give them some space. Whilst thinking, he hadn't noticed Zack come and stand next to him.

"He kept my bed," Josh stated, gesturing towards his old single bed.

When he had moved in, they agreed with Tyler's parents to get twin beds rather than a double, but they used to push them together most nights. When they weren't together they were pushed against two walls, meeting at the pillows to form an L shape.

"Mom sleeps there now," Zack told him. "But yeah, he kept it for you for a while. Just recently, with all of that," he gestured towards the stairs, "my parents don't like him alone."

"Yeah," Josh thought of a way to phrase his next question, "What's the matter-"  
"Schizoaffective disorder." He answered, taking a sip from the bottle of beer that Josh hadn't previously noticed. "Depressive type. It's shit right,"  
"Right." Josh agreed, looking around the room rather than making eye contact with Zack. They stood in silence for a moment.

"Zacky, has Ty run away again?" Jay asked timidly from his bedroom door. They both turned around to face the young boy.

"No, he's downstairs with Momma," Zack told him, walking towards him and kneeling to his height; Josh followed him but stayed stood up.

"Did his shouting wake you up little man?"  
"I didn't fall asleep yet, he was screaming again and it was too loud and scary," Jay said sadly.  
"You don't need to be scared Jay, he won't hurt you." Zack reassured him, giving him a hug at the same time. "He won't hurt you I promise."  
"But I'm scared when he hurts himself, I don't like it." Jay said into Zack's neck.

"I know you don't like it, but see this man here Jay?" He pointed to Josh, "This is Josh. He used to live with us, do you remember? And one of the reasons Ty is sad is because he missed Josh, but now Josh is back home that means Ty will be happy again, do you understand?"   
"Yes,"  
"Let's go back to bed now, yeah?"

"Can I sleep in your bed again Zack? Please," Jay asked.  
"Okay little man, go climb in and I'll come in a minute." Zack said, ruffling Jay's hair and sending him towards his room.

"Listen Josh, that was just for the kid, nobody expects you to stay around."  
"No I'm going to stick around this time."  
"Josh, don't be noble about this. We don't have a choice, you do. Please make the right one for you." Zack said, then gave Josh the half-full beer and walked after Jay into his room.

 

  
"Hi," Josh said quietly to Kelly as he walked into the living room. "Am I alright to sit in here for a bit?"  
"Yeah of course," she whispered back, Tyler asleep against her chest. "He doesn't get much sleep, so please be careful not to wake him." She told him, gently stroking Ty's hair.

Josh sat down on a sofa and got out his phone, then quickly opened safari and typed in 'Schizoaffective Disorder' then clicked the first link.

_What is schizoaffective disorder?_  
The word schizoaffective has two parts:  
‘schizo‘ refers to psychotic symptoms  
‘affective’ refers to mood symptoms.  
You may have periods when you struggle to look after yourself, and when your doctors consider that you lack insight into your behaviour or how you are feeling. You may be quite well between episodes.

_Psychotic symptoms_

_These are experiences called hallucinations and delusions._

_Hallucinations – having hallucinations means experiencing things that others around you don’t. These are most commonly voices which you hear either inside your head, or through your ears as if they were coming from somewhere else. You may also see visual hallucinations, or misinterpret things around you in unusual ways. You may also have unexplained touch sensations, smells and tastes._

_Delusions - strongly held beliefs that other people don’t share. For example, you may that feel your thoughts are being read, or you are being watched or controlled, or that you are very powerful and able to influence things that are actually outside your control._

_Mood symptoms_

_The mood symptoms of schizoaffective disorder are very like bipolar disorder, and may be divided into ‘manic type’, ‘depressive type’ or ‘mixed type’ – just as bipolar disorder is._

_Depressive type – you have episodes when your mood is dominated by depression and you are likely to feel sad, lonely, tired and unable to take any pleasure in life. You may want to sleep a great deal, but become unable to do so. If the depression gets really bad, you may feel only emptiness and despair. You may feel quite unable to relate to other people. Your thoughts may become very gloomy and you may feel suicidal._

 

"Josh, thank you for your help earlier," Kelly whispered, and Josh put his phone away.  
"Wish there was more I could have done,"   
"Must have been hard for you to see,"  
"Yeah it was, but uh, must be harder for him." He told her honestly, gesturing towards the sleeping man.

"Look Josh, I didn't plan for this to happen when I invited you around, but I think it's probably for the best that you saw him first-hand. I know you loved him so much, I know. But he's different now, and that's a perfectly acceptable reason to step back and say I can't be a part of this person's life anymore. The choice is yours about whether once you walk out of those doors, you ever come back. And please don't stay out of pity, or out of what you think is the morally right thing to do. Take some time and think things through. We'll support you with whichever decision you make." Kelly said softly and supportively.

"Is he going to get better?" Josh asked, suddenly feeling choked up.  
"I'm not sure is the honest answer Josh, but we always have hope."  
"Yeh, good, that's good." Josh said with a nod, wiping away a tear that had escaped his watery eyes.

"I know he seems bad, and he is, but he's actually been getting better recently. I know it's not much of a consolation, but he's been better today than he was a few weeks ago." She explained quietly, still stroking him softly.  
"He was worse than this?" Josh asked in horror, tears now falling with no prospect of slowing down in the near future.  
"Yes, but you have to look for the positive in that he's getting better," Kelly tried to cheer him up, but the look on her face was that of a heartbroken mother.

"Josh!-" Tyler suddenly yelled, sitting bolt upright. "No no no no, fuck, no," he began to panic as he woke up and frantically looked around the room.  
"Shh, Ty baby, it's Momma, you're okay, you're okay, deep breaths, it's just the living room," she calmed him, rubbing his back.  
"Mom make them leave." Tyler begged, his whole body shaking.  
"Ty, would you like me to ask Josh to wait in another room?"  
"Mom make all these people leave." He begged again, then yelled aggressively at the room, "Stop looking at me, fuck off, leave me alone, leave me alone,"  
"Kelly I'm going to go, but I'll leave my new cell number in the kitchen. Bye Ty, it was nice to see you again." Josh said, then stood up and walked out.  
"Leave me alone," was the last thing Josh heard Tyler sob as he walked away.

 

  
~

 

  
"Hey Josh," Maddy greeted him as she walked into the living room.  
"Hey, how was school?" He asked as she threw her backpack on the floor and slumped into her place on the couch.

"Eugh, the usual, Mrs Piper was being a complete bitch in biology and gave me a detention for no reason."  
"She was my biology teacher too, you just gotta ignore her." Josh said, throwing her a pretzel from the bag he was eating.  
"I'm like 1000% sure you failed biology, and that's most likely why, so you can hardly give me advice." Maddy teased with a smile.  
"That's just a technicality."

"How was your day?" She asked, eating the pretzel.  
"Pretty good thanks, had work this morning and looked at an apartment after lunch. Then I've just been eating all your food and using your wifi this afternoon." Josh told her. 

It had been just over a month since he first saw Tyler again and since then he had got a job at Guitar Center and started looking for a permanent place to live. Other than the week containing the anniversary of Debby's death, he had been to their house everyday and they had given him a key, but Tyler still struggled to accept he wasn't a hallucination.

"Aw Joshie, why are you looking at apartments? Just stay with us forever. I mean you basically live here already."  
"As lovely as that sounds, I don't think Tyler would appreciate that just yet. But don't worry, I'm still going to be leaching off your wifi at every chance I get."

"Have you seen him today?" Maddy asked.  
"Yeah briefly, he went to the hospital with your mom to get some stitches out about 20 minutes after I arrived. He spoke to me actually,"  
"Really?" She asked in slight disbelief,  
"Yeah, he said he liked my shirt."  
"Aw that's awesome," she smiled, then her phone began to ring and she quickly answered it.

"Hey Mom, yeah he's here with me, oh, oh crap is he okay?! Right, right. No no Mom don't cry, it's not your fault, yeah, I love you too. Which hospital? Okay I'll get Josh to drive us and I'll be there soon, don't worry Mom he's going to be okay I promise. Tell him I love him, bye."

"Maddy what is it?" Josh asked, scared by the panic in her eyes.  
"Tyler ran away from the hospital waiting room when Mom went to the bathroom, and he-" she began to cry, and Josh quickly ran to her and held her in a tight hug.

"It's okay Mads, take a breath,"  
"He cut his arm open again and somebody found him collapsed and called an ambulance, but Mom said he lost lots of blood and he still unconscious," she sobbed.  
"Oh Maddy," he hugged the shaking girl, trying not to let his emotions get in the way. "Where are they? I'll take you now,"

 

  
"I'm looking for my brother, Tyler Joseph," Maddy tearfully told the receptionist as they arrived in the hospital.  
"Are you both family?" The woman asked, looking up at Josh as she typed into her computer.  
"Yes," Maddy lied.  
"Okay, he's in room 14 on the third floor," she told them, and Maddy rushed straight to the stairs.  
"Thank you," Josh said before following after her.

"Maddy slow down, you're getting yourself worked up," he told her, but it seemed to have no impact on her as she raced up the steps.

Josh finally caught up with her as she stopped at the bench outside Tyler's room. Zack was sat there with Jay.  
"Mom and Dad are with him now," Zack told Maddy as Josh arrived.

"How is he?" Josh asked him as Jay stood up and wrapped his short arms around Josh's hips and buried his face in his thigh.  
"No news, the doctor is talking to them now but he's only allowed two visitors." Zack said blankly, staring at the skirting board on the other side of the corridor.

"Okay thank you, Jay are you alright?" Josh asked, peeling the boy off him and crouching to his height.  
"I want Mom," he told Josh.

"Jay I already told you, she's busy, just be quiet," Zack said without looking up.  
"I want Mom," Jay said again, Josh could tell that Zack was getting irritable because he was understandably terrified, and he thought of a way to give Zack some space from the 10 year old.

"Okay, Jay can you do me a job? It's really important."  
"Yes, I can do it really well,"  
"Good, can you run to that sign on the wall and count how many letters there are? It's really important, so make sure you do it right." Josh told him, then let him run off down the hall.

"Have you seen him?" Josh asked Zack, sitting down.  
"Won't let me." He said emotionless, still staring.  
"He's gonna be alri-"   
"Don't, just don't." Zack told him, then the three fell into silence, disturbed only by the occasional sniff from Maddy.

 

  
"Hey-" Chris said as he stepped out of Tyler's hospital room, stopping as Maddy threw her arms around him. "It's okay princess," he told her, stroking her hair and squeezing her tight.

"How is he?" Josh asked anxiously, standing up.  
"Maddy sweetheart," he said, and she tore herself from him but kept her grip on his arm. "Uh, he's stable. He's in a coma due to the blood loss, but the doctor says he should wake up in the next few days."  
"Should?!" Maddy exclaimed, a whole new set of hysterical tears erupting down her face. Chris pulled her close but continued with what he was saying.

"He's going to need surgery on his arm to restore the blood flow to his hand, but they're waiting until his blood transfusion is finished."  
"Right," Josh said, running his hand across his face and sighing.

"Can I see him?" Maddy said with gasping breaths as she tried to calm herself down.   
"Yes sweetheart, of course." He told her, opening the door for her.

"Where's Jay?" Chris asked Josh and Zack.  
"He's down there," Josh told him, pointing towards the sign that Jay was playing under.   
"Okay thank you, I'm going to go check on him," Chris said, then headed after him.

Josh sat back down next to Zack, who hadn't spoken for a while. Josh blinked away the tears that had formed in his eyes, and took a moment to take control of his breathing. He tried not to let his mind run away from him, trying to convince himself that Tyler would be okay. A wave of sickness came over him, and for a moment he thought he might vomit.

Suddenly Zack's phone beeped with a text message alert. Zack picked it up and threw it violently at the wall opposite them, then stood up and walked to the window further down the corridor, resting his elbows against the bannister and looking out.

Josh wasn't sure whether to follow him, but eventually decided to.  
"Zack, he's going to be okay," he told him, standing a step away from the window and looking out at the city skyline.  
"He's not. He'll probably wake up, but then what? We go home, and he tries again. He's going to try and try and he's not going to stop trying until he's dead." Zack said emotionally.  
"Zack,"  
"No don't try and convince me otherwise because we both know it's true."  
"I don't, I've got faith that-"  
"You've only had to watch a couple of snippets over the past month. Wait till it's been a whole fucking year. Try fucking living with him for a whole year,"  
"I know it's hard-"  
"You don't have a fucking clue what hard is. Hard is not sleeping the night before your finals because your psychotic brother is screaming and begging to die again and your parents are trying to calm him down but you can still hear your sister crying in her room and your little brother won't stop shaking under the covers in your bed. And it's not just the night before your finals. It's every. Fucking. Night. I've lost count of the amount of times I've had to come to this hospital and wait to find out whether my brother is dead. Except he's not my brother. I have no idea who he is but he's not Tyler." Zack vented, a single tear running down his face as he continued to stare out the window.

Josh didn't know what to say, but knew that Zack needed to get it off his chest.  
"I'm sorry Zack,"  
"You're sorry, everybody's fucking sorry. But what good does that do me? Doesn't change anything. I'm still terrified every time my phone goes off because I'm just constantly waiting for that message saying he's dead. I'm always on edge, always. Even when I know that he's safe, there's the niggling fear that he's not. And that's not paranoia, it's completely based on experience."  
"Yeah,"

"He went missing in February." Zack said sadly, pausing to wipe another tear then stuffing his hands in his hoodie pockets.  
"I didn't know,"   
"No of course you didn't, you weren't here." Zack snapped a little, but Josh didn't take offense because it was true.

"He's run away umpteen times before, but he always came back after a night or so. But in February he didn't, and it took us 8 days to find him. I thought he was dead for 8 days and 8 nights."

"What happened?" Josh asked cautiously.  
"He was violently hallucinating all the time, just all the time." He explained quietly, "And he didn't talk to us; he was hardly home, and during the rare occasions he was he just used to scream and yell at his hallucinations locked in his bedroom. Mom and Dad couldn't do anything to control him, so he did whatever the fuck he felt compelled to. That meant he spent a lot of time screaming and cutting, and he drank a lot of vodka and did a lot of drugs. And then yeah, he didn't come home. Like I said, I thought he was dead. We all did. And uhm," he stammered, suddenly turning away from the window and taking a shaky breath whilst running his hands through his hair, revealing his tear stained face. "Shit sorry,"

"No no it's fine, take as long as you need," Josh reassured him. Zack paced for a moment, then began speaking again, but this time faster.

"We started looking for him, Dad Maddy and me, and Mom locked herself away in the bedroom. I took Jay to Popop's house on the second day, nobody could find the energy to look after him. Dad just drove every street over and over, and Maddy and I walked and knocked on doors and searched everywhere we could think of. We walked for hours in silence, checking the same parks we checked an hour ago and begging anyone we could find to call us if they saw anything. Maddy started having these panic attacks, she would just break down in hysterics and I couldn't do anything to stop them. To me, my brother was dead and my mom was having a nervous breakdown and my dad was out of the house from 6am till 12pm everyday and now my sister was falling apart in front of me and there was nothing I could do."  
"Zack-"  
"I made her stay home on the fourth day. Made her stay with Mom," Zack told him, now sobbing. "But I went out everyday still. I ran now, it was quicker, I would find him quicker, I could make things better quicker. I had to make things better, it was my job, I had to hold the family together, I have to hold the family together Josh."  
"It's not your job Zack, you're a kid too." Josh attempted to tell him.

Zack moved against the wall and slid down it so he was sat on the floor and Josh did the same.

"If I don't then what happens?" Zack asked quietly.  
"Tyler is getting better, he's started talking to your mom again which is good, and I'm back now and I promise I'm going to help you out. It's not all on your shoulders anymore,"

"Mom didn't come to my graduation." He said sadly,  
"I'm so sorry,"  
"It's fine. Tyler needs her."  
"You're allowed to need her as well." Josh told him, and Zack sat and thought for a moment.

"I was the one who found him, back in February. Day 8 and Maddy was looking after Mom, and Dad decided to drive around Lancaster, so I was alone searching town. Except I'd already searched town that morning, several times, so I went to the forest again. There's this creek there that we used to explore when we kids, he used to take me there on our bikes to play in the summer. I was convinced he was dead, so I went to the creek in some attempt to feel close to him, I don't know. We'd already looked there, but sure enough there he was. For a second I thought I was imagining it, but he was definitely there. He was, uh, sat propped against a tree, and I ran straight to him but he shouted hoarsely for me to stay back so I managed to stop about two metres back from him and straight away I called Maddy and just said that I found Tyler at the creek then hung up. That was probably terrifying for her because I didn't say alive. She told Mom and Dad. Tyler was muttering to himself, and he was covered in dried blood and mud and I could tell straight away that he was hallucinating so I tried to talk to him, tried to give him a cereal bar I had in my pocket, but he threw it as far away from us as he could, whispering poison. I stepped closer and he freaked out and tried to run away but he collapsed after a few steps. I called an ambulance and yeah,"  
"You did a good job Zack,"  
"Mom hasn't let him out of her sight since,"  
"You're a good brothe-"  
"Can I say something horrific?" Zack asked, rolling his head against the wall to face Josh.

"You can say anything,"  
"Sometimes, only sometimes, I wonder whether we are being cruel. Whether maybe we should stop saving him. I mean he doesn't want to be here, he begs not to be here, and not a single member of the family has been okay since he got sick. Sometimes I think that maybe everybody would be happier if we let him, you know, go."


	17. Chapter 17

"Do you want me to read it first? Check if there's anything that might upset you?" Josh asked as Tyler stared at the envelope with Zack written on the front.

"It's going to upset me, that's inevitable," Tyler answered.  
"You don't have to read it,"  
"I know," he said, flipping the envelope over and over again.

After a few more spins, he dropped it back down onto the dining room table.

It landed on top of the letter from Maddy that they had already opened and read; it was lovely letter filled with love and bible quotes and sweet stories and support spanning 5 hand written A4 sides.

Josh let Tyler read it first and watched in delight as his face lit up with each passing word, then read it himself and smiled just as much.

"Maddy's was sweet, maybe we should leave it at that for today,"  
"I'd like to get it done, will you open it for me?" Tyler asked, pushing it towards Josh.

He had attempted to open Maddy's by himself but only managed one small pull before his OCD became too strong to ignore.

"Alright babe, but if it's too much then put it down and walk away, deal?"  
"Deal." Tyler said quietly, sitting on his hands.

Josh took the envelope and opened it, pulling out a folded piece of paper and consequently knocking something else out with it. He reached across the table and picked it up, turning it over to reveal a photograph of Zack, Tatum and Ben.

"It's a photo, it's got the baby in, want me to put it away somewhere?"  
"Please," Tyler nodded.  
"Okay it's gone," he said, sliding it under Maddy's letter.

"You want to take this? Or I can read it aloud?"  
"I'll take it, but you can sit next to me if you'd like to." Tyler said anxiously, strongly hinting to Josh that he needed him next to him.

Josh picked the folded letter up and moved to sit beside him, then set it down on the table and let Tyler pick it up for himself.

 

_Tyler,_

_  
I've written this half a dozen times, and a hundred more in my head, but none of them were right so this is my final attempt._

_When Mom told me she was going to see you on your birthday, I won't lie, I was surprised. I know you hate birthdays, I know you find them difficult, so I won't wish you a happy one. Instead I'll wish you a happy day, just as I wish that everyday you have is happy._

_She's really really proud of you Tyler, I can't begin to explain, and Dad is too. He told me that he spoke to you about how he's been dealing with things, and he said it was right to do for both of you, so when Mom suggested we wrote letters, I thought I'd follow in his footsteps slightly._

 

_I've had a son; Tatum and I now have a beautiful baby boy called Benjamin. And I remember that after you came out of hospital you told me about how you don't trust yourself with babies, so I won't go on about him too much, but I felt he was too big a change to not mention._

_He was born on the 10th of October and is genuinely the best thing to have ever happened to me. Tatum says he looks like me, but I see your eyes._

_You are more than welcome to visit him if and when you feel comfortable and I truly believe you will be an amazing uncle to him._

_Tatum is an amazing mother, just as I knew she would be. The patience and care she shows Ben is inspiring and I'm so proud to call her my fiancée. She sends her love._

_We've been engaged for almost 2 years now and we were recently discussing when we are going to actually get married. She didn't want me to tell you this, didn't want to put any pressure on you, but I feel you ought to know. She wants to wait until you are doing better because she says a wedding without you wouldn't be a wedding that would make me happy. And she's right, I want you as my best man. I don't care whether we have to wait another decade, I'm not getting married without my big brother stood next to me._

_Mom would probably yell if she knew the responsibility I just loaded onto your recovery, but it's important to me and I want you to realise that._

_It took a lot of persuading for her to let Jay invite you to his game in a few days, and she told us that she doubts you'll come. But I think she's wrong, I think you will. And of course I don't know how you're doing, we haven't spoken since Christmas, but the fact you let Mom and Dad visit you has to be a good sign. I know you miss us, and hopefully you'll come to the game, even just to say hi for 30 seconds._

 

_Christmas last year wasn't a high point for either of us. I said some things I shouldn't have, and I want to apologise for that now._

_I'm not claiming that I understand your schizoaffective disorder, but living alongside you whilst you went through its harshest times means I have a fairly unique insight into how it works and how to tell when it's being a bitch._

_With your OCD, I don't have that. We've been close when it was relatively mild, but when it grew stronger you withdrew into Josh's company and consequently shut me out. That means I don't understand it as well, and I can't tell when it's reeking havoc for you._

_I know this sounds like an excuse, and it is, but I hope you understand why I was so insensitive at Christmas. I didn't know that you couldn't touch the wrapping paper, and I didn't know that you could only eat at certain times and in certain ways. I should have known better about the crackers and poppers, should have known they were too loud._

_I'm sorry for being a jackass and trying to force you to touch or do things that you couldn't. And I'm sorry that I got frustrated with you, I realise now that I was frustrated at your illness, not you. I hope it wasn't too upsetting, and hasn't done too much damage._

 

_If I'm honest, I felt relieved in February when Josh came round in tears and told us you had been admitted. I hated the fact that you needed to go into hospital, but it was comforting to know that the necessary steps had been taken to make sure you were safe and could start to get better again._ _The Tyler I saw at Christmas reminded me more of the Tyler from when we lived back home together than the Tyler who was happily married and teaching music to elementary school kids._

_  
We get small dribbles of information on you from Josh every couple of weeks but it's not the same as living with you, or even seeing you. I used to always have a rough gauge of how you're doing, but now I've got no idea. I'm your brother and I'm always gonna care about you and worry about you, and this has been the first year where I feel like I don't know you._

_I know sometimes when you're sick your memories get a bit blurred, and that's okay. Two years ago I proposed to Tatum and you were doing really well, like really really well. You and Josh were looking into adoption or surrogacy, and you both were working full time but still found time to join us for dinner and basketball every Friday. We all went to Church together each Sunday, you and Josh, Tatum and me, Maddy and Will, and our parents and Jay. It was a lovely time of my life._

_We all had Christmas 2013 at Mom and Dad's, and it was so good to have a normal family Christmas and enjoy each other's company and celebrate without mental health muscling in._

_Then things started to go down hill._

_It started pretty slowly, Josh called to say that you two weren't coming for dinner one night towards the end of January, and I didn't think anything of it. It happened again in February for one dinner and you also missed Church that week too._

_I think I only got seriously worried when you missed every dinner and almost every Church in April. I spoke to Tatum about it a lot, asked her whether she thought I was being paranoid or overprotective, but she agreed with me._

_On the rare occasions you did come, I could tell you were getting sick again. You wouldn't let Josh touch you, but at the same time you never left his side._

_I'm not sure whether Josh told you this or not, but I came round in June that year because I hadn't seen you in a month and I wanted to check you were okay. It was only 7pm when I arrived but he said you were already asleep in bed and didn't want to disturb you, so the two of us talked instead. He told me that you left your job at the elementary school. That was all I needed to hear to know that you were seriously sick; you love music and you love teaching those kids, so something bad must have been happening to tear you away from that._

_We had thanksgiving without you that year, and it just felt wrong. Everybody tried to carry on like normal but there was a sort of weird feeling hanging over us the whole day. We tried to ignore it, overplayed the happiness, but it wasn't right without you Ty.  
_

_And I know you couldn't manage thanksgiving this year either, but at least we knew you were getting better. You've been discharged and that meant we could all convince ourselves that you were okay and therefore relax a little._

_We didn't have that same comfort last year. Because you and Josh separated yourselves from the rest of the family, none of us knew what you were dealing with and how bad it was, and that was scary._

_I'd rather know that you're having a truly horrific time than not know anything. I get that maybe you don't want to tell us bad news, but we're always going to support you either way so please stay in touch as much as you can._

_I don't know whether you're coming to the family Christmas this year, and neither does Mom. She doesn't want to ask out of fear of frightening you off, but I will. Sometimes people are scared to ask things of you directly, but I'm going to anyway. Please come to Christmas. I don't care whether you stay for 4 days like we are, or you pop by for 10 minutes, just come. It's a time for family and you're still family, even if you're sick. As well as hopefully being good for you, it would mean a lot to all of us._

_I'm not calling you selfish, or anything on those lines, so please don't interpret it that way. Just sometimes I wish you would let me in. And I know it's not that simple, but I wish it was._

_When we were kids you were my best friend in the whole world and I looked up to you as my hero. I know I pissed you off, but that didn't change anything._

_Then as we got older and you spent more and more time in the basement, it was lonely for me. I still wanted to hangout with my bro, but I could tell that you didn't want me around. And the only time we spent together was playing basketball out front, but you were all weird and quiet and didn't want to talk._

_Mom told me we were moving house so you could move schools, and I flipped out a bit. Spent the week sulking and feeling sorry for myself, but eventually realised that there was nothing I could do to stop it so I might as well try and make the best of it._

_You know how it goes, things were better for everybody once you met Josh. We got to spend more time together because you spent less time writing or singing, and I was beyond pleased. Had my hero big brother back._

_And then Josh's father fucking attacked you and you were in hospital for almost two weeks and I thought you were going to die. It was the first ever time I genuinely feared for your life and it was like a punch to the stomach, over and over and over again, made me feel physically sick. You were unconscious for three days and I was absolutely terrified._

_It's horrible to think how many times I've genuinely feared for your life since then; how common it would become for you to be in hospital or to be unconscious. I hate that it became a 'normal' part of our everyday lives for so long._

_We've spoken about this before, about how anxious I became and how it triggered panic attacks in me. Well I'm pleased to tell you that I haven't had a panic attack in a long time, but that doesn't mean I'm not worried about you Ty. I wish you would tell me how things are, even if there's nothing I can do about it._

_I'm going to be really honest, I was hurt when you told the hospital not to let me visit you when you were admitted earlier this year. I know I'm not perfect, I know that I sometimes have a low tolerance and snap easily or say the wrong things, but I'm not going to get better at dealing with it if you don't let me try._

_Correct me if I'm wrong, but your first admission was 14 months, your second 3 months and your third 4 months. I think it's fair to say that they saved your life, regardless, it's still too much time and I pray that you won't be needing a fourth. I know they have helped you, but I hate hospitals._

_When you went in for the first time, a couple of months after Josh came home, I had no idea what to expect and I was originally against you going at all._ _In my view, you had already gone through the worst and Mom was helping you to get better so it seemed totally illogical to take you away from the family who loves you and the home you felt comfortable in. But Mom sat down with me, told me that you'd finally agreed to go to a doctor with her and they had said that it was the best option. I mean I knew home wasn't great for you, but compared to February that year you were doing okay. It took me time to realise that just because you had made a bit of progress, didn't mean you were anywhere close to being okay. What I thought was good would have been horrific to anyone who hadn't seen your worst. So you moved out of the family home and into hospital, and during your time there I moved out too, and we haven't lived together since._

_I love you Tyler, and I miss you so much. I'm sorry for the part I've played in us growing apart this past year, and I'm sorry it's been so tough for you. It's such a cliché, but things will get better I promise. This is just a rough patch, and I know you'll be back to teaching piano and playing basketball and starting a family soon._

_Please get in touch if you can, and hopefully I'll see you soon,_  
All my love,  
Zack

 

  
"Tyler, you good sweetie?" Josh checked once he was sure Tyler had finished reading too.  
"Mmm," Tyler nodded slowly, not looking away from the final page of the letter.  
"He's going to be so happy when we see him at Jay's game next week,"

"Josh were we really that close to being fathers?" Tyler interrupted suddenly, ignoring Josh's previous statement.  
"You don't remember?" Josh asked softly, taking Tyler's hand in his and encasing it with the other on top. Tyler shook his head.

"That's okay sweetie, I know things get jumbled. Yeah, we were pretty close."  
"Tell me?" Tyler whispered sadly.

"Well we got in touch with an adoption agency and submitted our application, and they invited us to a meeting with a social worker. We went along and things were a little complicated because of your mental health sections and detainments on your police records, but we got references from the school you worked at and Dr Wakefield saying you would be okay and they accepted them. A couple of days later we got a letter saying our application had been accepted. Next they tried to pair us with a child, but we were quite indecisive. We didn't know whether we wanted a girl or a boy, or whether we would take siblings, or how old they would preferably be, there were just too many decisions to make."  
"I don't remember," he said quietly.

"How about Jenna? Do you remember her?"  
"No,"  
"We met her through Tatum, Zack's fiancée. For a while she was just a friend of ours, but after a few weeks she told us that she had been a surrogate for another couple. We all got very excited, and within a week we had decided that she would be a surrogate for us too."  
"I'm so sorry,"  
"Don't be Ty, it wasn't the right time, but one day it will be." Josh comforted him, hoping it wasn't clear how disappointed he truly had been.

"We told the adoption agency about our plans with Jenna and they shut our case, and then we began working on the details with her. But things happened and I think it was just a tad overwhelming and you had a panic attack over it. Jenna said we should take some time to make sure it was the right choice, and we haven't really spoken about it since then."  
"I'm sorry,"  
"Honestly sweetie, it's okay. You alright?" Josh asked as Tyler's head dropped.

"I don't remember almost having a child,"  
"Ty-"  
"Can I see the picture of Ben please?" He asked, rubbing the back of his neck.  
"Only if you're sure you're going to be okay,"  
"Please, I'm fine." Tyler clearly lied, but Josh pulled the photo out from under Maddy's letter and held it for them both to see anyway.

"Zack was right, he's got your eyes." Josh said with a small smile and Tyler stared at the image.

Zack was cradling the baby against himself and Tatum had her arms wrapped around his waist whilst standing side on and smiling down at her new son. The three of them slotted together perfectly and the love between them all practically glowed off the photograph.

"Zack's a dad," Tyler said in slight amazement, taking the photo from Josh and holding it closer to his face.  
"Yeah, it's crazy,"  
"I'm an uncle, we are uncles." He continued, now with a small smile.  
"Makes me feel old,"  
"I'm so proud of h-" was all Tyler could manage before he burst into tears. Josh understood straight away that the past few minutes had been an emotional roller coaster for his fragile husband and instantly swooped him up in a tight hug.


	18. Chapter 18

"Josh, are you ready to go to Church?" Tyler called from the bathroom as Josh sat on the bed. He was dressed in a shirt and suit trousers but was half asleep.

"Alright sweetie?" Ty asked as he walked into the bedroom and stood opposite him.  
"Uh, yeh," he said sleepily.  
"You're gonna fall asleep during the service," Tyler teased softly, picking a thin black tie from the rack and turning Josh's collar up before wrapping it around his neck and pulling it to the right length on both sides.

"I'll do it thanks," Josh yawned as Tyler fumbled in an attempt to tie the knot.

He quickly took it from Tyler and tied it, then folded his collar back down and stood up.

"You want a tie today?" Josh asked.

"Yes please, if you're comfortable with me wearing one," Tyler said with a shy smile.

Josh knew he was sometimes overprotective but at the same time he also wanted to make sure Tyler was as safe as he could possibly arrange. For quite a while he hadn't allowed Ty to wear ties as he had gone through a phase of tying ligatures as a form of self harm, but Josh came to the conclusion that Tyler would be okay today.

"Yeah that's fine with me, just take it off and give it to me if you need to step out during the service at all, and same for when we come home afterwards."   
"Okay I will, thank you." Tyler replied and Josh went back to the rack and selected a light pink tie to go with the grey suit Ty was wearing.

"Turn your collar up sweetie," Josh said through another yawn, and Tyler followed the instruction.  
"Pink? Dude, that's hella gay," Tyler kidded as Josh perfectly completed the knot. When Josh didn't respond to the joke, he continued.

"Damn, guess I'll just have to embrace the gay." Then leant in to kiss Josh. They kissed briefly on the lips, but Josh was too tired and was more focused on the idea of sleep than flirting.  
"So tired," he explained, rubbing his face.

"Did you sleep okay last night?" Tyler inquired calmly as he walked to the counter and tapped it four times.  
"I mean it wasn't great, but it wasn't awful." Josh replied honestly.

"Are you worried about me?" Tyler asked sincerely, sitting down on the bed again. "You're tired all the time at the moment; you're not worrying through the night again are you?"  
"Course I'm worried, you lemon," Josh said, sitting too.

"Josh you don't need to worry, and I know that won't stop you, but honestly I'm okay,"  
"I know you're okay, you're doing great." Josh told him, "But things change quickly and I know that things have been happening for you recently, hallucinations, and I can't help but be concerned."  
"Yeh, but they're probably just flukes, right? They don't mean anything, like it doesn't mean I'm going to have a full event again, they're just isolated episodes. I'm gonna be okay, aren't I?" Tyler said, trying to reassure himself as well as Josh.

Josh couldn't promise Tyler that he wasn't going to have a full psychotic event and in his heart he had a strange sense that one was imminent, but he could tell his husband was trying to mask his fear and needed to be comforted.

"Yeah you're gonna be just fine, you're right, they're probably nothing. And Dr Casey did say that things might take a while to adjust to your new meds so maybe it's a result of that."  
"Yeah," Tyler said, thinking about it.

"Should we get going to Church sweetie? And you're gonna have to keep prodding me if I fall asleep."

 

 

  
"Josh, I'll be back in a minute." Tyler whispered half way through the service.

They had sat on the pew closest to the staff break room like they did every week, and Tyler had permission to use it whenever he felt unwell. Everybody who worked there, and the majority of the people who attended the service, knew and therefore the seats were always saved for them.

"Want me to come?" Josh whispered back.  
"No,"  
"Okay honey, but leave me your tie." He told him, Tyler looked uncomfortable and a little exasperated but reached his hands to the knot and tried to untie it.

"Can't,"  
"Come here, I'll do it." Josh mouthed, and Tyler let him remove the tie from his neck then quickly stood up and slipped into the side room. Josh folded the silk in his hands and turned back to listening to Reverend Winston preaching, trying not to worry about Tyler.

"For in this moment of need we look to James 5:13-15. Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven." The elderly man bellowed, and the words resonated within Josh and made him think of Tyler. 

As a result of Tyler's mental health issues, he sometimes became deluded and thought things were directed at him. He would believe that the news anchor was talking directly to him over the TV, or that a newspaper article was written particularly for him to see. But Josh could link the sermon to Tyler's situation, and it made him wonder whether that was why Tyler had excused himself.

 

Another 10 minutes passed and Tyler didn't return, so when everyone stood to sing a hymn, Josh let himself into the break room too.

"Ty honey, you okay?" Josh asked as he saw Tyler sat at the table with a glass of water in front of him, staring into the middle distance.

"Yeah, I just, uh, I'm fine, but I just don't want to go back out with all those people," Tyler explained, casually scratching the back of his head.  
"That's alright, there's only half an hour or so left. We can just sit it out in here. But you're okay?"  
"Yeah, got a little worked up over the baby a few rows in front. But it wasn't too bad, I just didn't want the panic to grow so I walked away."  
"Good, can I sit with you?"  
"Yeh," Tyler answered, and Josh sat on the chair next to him.

"Can I ask why the baby upset you?" Josh asked tentatively.  
"I know it's just an obsessive thought, but they're so fragile and it would be so easy for me to hurt them. Like I know I wouldn't, but what if I were to shake it, or-" Tyler answered, stopping to take a breath to calm himself down a little. "Or hurt them so how. I wouldn't consciously, of course, but things happen and yeah, scares me a little."

"Well like you said Ty, you would never do it on purpose, and it's very unlikely you'd ever do it accidentally. Also you can't hurt them if you're not holding them, right? So that baby was safe with her mom, and nothing that happens to her is your fault."  
"Yeh," Tyler said unconvincingly, playing with his glass of water.

"Have you thought about Ben next week at Jay's game? Because Zack's almost definitely going to bring him along I imagine."  
"Thought about it? I can't stop thinking about it."  
"I know you want to surprise them, but would you like me to call and ask if there's anyway they could not bring him, like maybe get Tatum to stay home with him?"  
"No don't do that,"  
"They won't mind Tyler, and it would make things so much easier for you."  
"It's fine,"  
"It's okay to be anxious babe, it's a big step." Josh said softly.  
"I'm terrified," Tyler admitted, dropping his head down.  
"That's a totally understandable reaction, to be expected, but I promise that I'm with you every step of the way and I'm going to make sure nothing bad happens."  
"I know," Tyler replied, before adding, "thank you."  
"We've got a whole week to prepare for it still, and that means we can make sure we've thought of everything before we turn up. And if you're still terrified, then we can miss it."  
"I'm not missing it."  
"Okay babe, we'll do our best."  
"I'm not missing it." Tyler repeated sternly.  
"Ty sweetie, let's talk about this when you're feeling a bit better." Josh said, conscious of Tyler's changing mood.

"I want to go home," he whispered after they had been quiet for a moment.  
"Now?"  
"Now."  
"The service is still running babe, so we would have to walk past everyone to get out. That's okay, we can do that, but are you sure you feel comfortable?" Josh asked, and Tyler didn't answer.

"It won't be much longer sweetie, you're okay."  
Tyler finished the glass of water, then turned it upside down and put it on the floor.

Josh soon picked it up and walked over to the small kitchenette where he quickly rinsed and dried it, then put it back in the cupboard.

When he turned and walked the couple of steps back, he saw that Tyler had also put all of the coasters and magazines which had previously been on the table on the floor. As Tyler made eye contact with Josh, he sadly and slowly asked,  
"Can you just leave them there for a minute?"

 

Josh let Tyler carry out the various compulsions he needed to over the next half an hour they were in the break room. None of them did any harm so it wasn't worth the upset it would cause to stop him.

Josh suspected the service had finished as he could vaguely make out the sounds of people leaving, and this was confirmed when Ray and Winston knocked and entered.

"Good morning, are you okay for us to come in and sit?" Winston asked.  
"Yeh," Tyler nodded, and they both sat down opposite them.

"I apologise for anything I've said that may have caused you discomfort Tyler,"   
"It wasn't you Father, but thanks," he replied shyly.  
"What happened to your arm Ty? I thought we talked about stopping that." Ray said, noticing the thick bandage.  
"Nothing, I'm fine."  
"If you felt like self harming, you should have come here and found me."  
"It wasn't exactly like that Ray," Josh interjected, trying not to sound as annoyed as he felt.

"Sorry Josh, I didn't mean to imply that you didn't try, I just meant that sometimes Tyler might find it more useful to talk to somebody other than you. There's only so many supportive words one guy can come up with before it's just repetition with little effect."  
"We weren't in town," Tyler expanded. Josh wasn't sure whether he had chosen to ignore the dig at him, or whether he genuinely couldn't sense the tension that Josh could.  
"Oh, where did you go?" Ray asked.  
"Sorry to interrupt, but can I have a word outside Joshua?" Winston asked, Josh looked over to Tyler who nodded.  
"Yeah of course." Josh answered, then followed him out to the slowly emptying main worship room.

 

"Raymond was out of place and I want to apologise on his behalf," the old man began.  
"It's fine,"  
"Primarily I wanted to check on your wellbeing, and remind you that the Church and I are here for support." he said, slowly sitting down on a pew. Josh followed his lead and sat next to him.

"Thank you. It's been a difficult week but we're doing considerably better,"  
"I'm sorry to hear, did he require medical treatment for his arm?"  
"Yeah, he needed some stitches. I'm sure he won't mind me saying, but they ended up sectioning him so he was in hospital Sunday afternoon till Wednesday afternoon."  
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalms 46:1, Joshua. I'm saddened to hear such distressing news, but find comfort in faith. I hope you can do the same."  
"Thank you."

"Am I correct to believe it was his birthday recently?" The priest asked, impressing Josh slightly.  
"Yes that's right, Tuesday."  
"So he was hospitalised?"  
"He was, but they rewarded his efforts with four hours off the ward so he was able to come home and spend some time with his family."  
"That sounds lovely, and leads me on to the other matter I wished to speak with you about."  
"Go ahead," Josh said.  
"I have recently been liaising with other churches within close proximity of our own out of hope to arrange a large worship day this Advent, and one pastor I've been speaking with is a gentleman named David White. I don't know whether you're aware, but he mentioned that one of his youth pastors is a young woman called Abigail Dun. I believe I'm correct in presuming she is a relative of yours?"  
"My sister," Josh answered, his stomach dropping slightly.

"Ah yes, now, I'm aware that your relationship with them is not a strong one, is it still at the level of hostility where a joint worship would cause conflict?"  
"Afraid so, but I don't want to interfere with your plans so I'll just miss it."  
"If you feel it's for the best then I understand entirely. Are your family still being difficult?" The priest asked cautiously.

"I haven't heard from either of my parents since they kicked me out, and I very rarely hear from my siblings. I suppose that's better than the constant bombardment of hate that I received at one point though, so I'm grateful."

"That's a very Christian way of looking at it Joshua, in Luke 6:37 Jesus says, Forgive, and you will be forgiven. If, in spite of everything they've done to you, you can rise above it and find the good then you will be rewarded. They have based their reasons for their hatred on Christianity, but we preach love and decency, not hate. Love between anyone,"  
"Thank you Father. I wish we could be civil enough to be in the same service, but there was an incident last week so I'm fairly certain that there would be another."

"May I pry into the incident?"  
"Yeah of course. Uh, last Sunday Tyler and I visited Debby's grave and the cemetery is next to the Church they were attending. Tyler gave me some space but whilst he was alone Abi saw him and started touching and shouting at him and he got understandably upset. Then once I realised and tried to intervene, she got violent and slapped him and he didn't cope well, then she shoved him to the floor and started attacking me when I stepped in between. I was able to get us out of there before the rest of my family joined, but Tyler was pretty shaken up, hence the hospitalisation."

"Oh Joshua, that's awful, I'm so sorry my son. But as Proverbs 15:1 say, soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. You did well to take yourself and Tyler away from her and not get drawn into the temptation of arguing back."  
"Thank you,"  
"And secondly my son, Proverbs 16:7, When a man's ways please the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him-" the old man was interrupted as the side door swung open and Ray stepped out.

"Sorry, Josh, Tyler's asking for you," Ray said casually, and Josh instantly leapt up and rushed into the side room.

Tyler was sat on the floor with his back against the wall, and his bandage taken off laying on the floor beside him. He was mumbling Josh's names over and over, and staring into the distance. Josh quickly crouched down next to him.

"Ty honey, I'm okay, you can stop saying my name I promise. I'm here," Josh said supportively.  
"Josh Josh Josh Josh," Tyler continued to whisper.  
"Tyler look at me," Josh instructed, and after a moment Tyler complied. "You're okay, and I'm okay, and that's not going to change if you stop saying my name. Nothing bad is going to happen honey, I promise."  
"I, I-I,"  
"Shhh Ty, you're okay honey," Josh said as Tyler leant against him and buried his head in Josh's chest.

Josh rubbed his back for a minute and pressed his lips against the top of his head.

"You okay?" Josh asked as he eventually pulled away.  
"Yeh," he nodded softly.  
"Should we wrap your arm up again then head home?" Josh said slowly, still rubbing his back.  
"Yeh," Tyler nodded again, "not that though," he added, shying away from the previously used bandage.

"Tyler my son, I have a first aid kit with some fresh untouched bandages stored in my office. Would you like to come with me and we can pick out one that's right?" Winston asked gently from the door frame, they both looked up at him when he was talking, then at each other once he stopped.   
"Does that sound okay?"  
"Don't leave without me," Tyler asked innocently.  
"I won't sweetheart, I promise. Winston's going to stay with you and I'll get our things ready to leave, yeah? I'll be in here the whole time I promise. Okay?"  
"Okay," Tyler said softly, then stood up and slowly followed after Winston. 

Once the two were out of ear shot, Josh turned to make eye contact with Ray.

"Ray what the hell?"  
"Don't use that tone with me,"  
"I left you with him for no more than two minutes and I come back to see you've let him remove his bandage?! Surely you could tell he was struggling, so why on earth would you sit back and let him? You could have gotten me if you didn't know how to stop him, or you-"  
"I didn't sit back and let him, I asked him to take it off."  
"What? Why?!" Josh exclaimed, slightly taken aback.  
"Because he told me he didn't like the attention it attracted, and I wanted him to be as comfortable as possible. Don't you want him to feel comfortable?" Ray replied smugly.

"Of course I want him comfortable, but I also want him safe, and he's hardly at his safest when he's got a wound on show and a long length of fabric he could tie a ligature with. Ray I get you're trying to be his buddy or whatever, but don't undermine decisions that both the hospital and I have made. If Tyler is wearing a bandage, you can be pretty damn sure there's a reason for it."

"Well I'm sorry you feel that way, I just feel it's important to actually listen to Ty rather than making decisions for him."  
"You've got no idea what you're talking about,"

"Josh I get that you've been with Tyler through a lot, but that doesn't make you the only person who knows how to look after him. I'm Tyler's friend and I care about him and I'm aware I didn't know him when he developed his conditions but that doesn't make you any better than me. I know you want to play the role of superhero and take care of him all by yourself without anyone else, but it's okay to loosen control sometimes and let other people help,"

"Ray just stop talking, everything your saying is ridiculous. He's my husband, and I know what's best, not you." Josh retorted angrily.

Usually he managed to keep things together when Ray started playing up but today he couldn't.

"Hey there Ty, sorry about Josh, he's a bit angry, but you're okay right?" Ray said calmly as Tyler walked through the door with Winston guiding him via a hand to his lower back. He had a brand new bandage from his elbow to his knuckles.

"Wh-what? Josh please don't be angry with me,"  
"Sweetheart I'm not, it's nothing I promise, come here and give me a hug." Josh said warmly and Tyler quickly walked into his open arms.

As Josh held him tight, he couldn't help but make petty eye contact with Ray.

When Josh released Tyler, he saw that the bandage has been fastened by a safety pin.

"You can go home with Joshua now my son, and I hope you feel better soon." Winston said warmly.  
"Actually Winston, I don't suppose you've got any tape have you? Like medical tape?" Josh asked.  
"We may have a roll tucked away somewhere, is everything alright?"  
"Just to replace this pin," he explained,  
"Oh of cour-"   
"Josh it's fine," Tyler said softly,  
"No point risking anything babe."  
"You'll be fine Tyler, it's only a short walk back to you two's house and unlike Josh I'm confident that you can do it. Then you can use your own tape, and get home as soon as possible like I know you want to." Ray chimed in.  
"Yeah it's fine Josh, can we just go," Tyler echoed.  
"Winston do you mind quickly finding us some?" Josh asked the man, dismissing Tyler's plea and continuing to hold his arm so he couldn't get to the pin.

"This is what I mean Josh, he doesn't want to tape it, so don't make him," Ray said.  
"Now's not the time for this Ray."

 

 

"Josh," Tyler said.

They were both laying in bed and staring up at the ceiling in the dark, ready to go to sleep.

"Yeah?"  
"You know earlier, at the church," he began, his voice soft and deep as it was almost midnight.  
"Yeah,"  
"What did Winston want to talk to you about? When he spoke to you,"  
"He's uh, organising a big Christmas worship thing with a few other churches, and he's invited my family's church. Because Abi is a pastor he recognised her name and wanted to let me know in case it would be a problem for me."  
"What did you say?"  
"I said it would be, but that I don't mind skipping it, don't want to cause a fuss."  
"Oh,"  
"Yeah, but it's okay,"

"When was the last time you spoke to any of them? That lunch with Ashley?" Tyler asked.  
"Last week honey," Josh reminded him gently.  
"What?" Tyler asked confused.

"Last Sunday we saw Abi at my old church, she was what upset you. I wouldn't say we spoke properly, but we saw each other. It was a hard day though, so don't worry about forgetting."  
"Oh,"  
"But yeah you're right, that lunch was the last time I saw Ashley. She sends me an email every couple of months but I've had nothing recently." Josh said, then they went into silence again.

"Josh I forgot to take my meds," Tyler said suddenly,  
"No you didn't sweetie, you already took them. I saw you, I promise," he reassured him, then they fell back into silence.

"Your brother," Tyler said softly after a minute.  
"What about him?"  
"His name. What's his name."  
"Jordan,"  
"Jordan, yeah," Tyler said, absorbing the information.

"Sorry,"  
"It's okay. I mean you haven't seen him since you were 18, so-"  
"Neither have you," Tyler pointed out.  
"That's true. But I mean I lived with him for 13 years and you only met him a handful of times,"  
"Yeah," he said slowly,

"And your sister is Ashley,"  
"Two, Ashley and Abi. But don't get caught up over it, it doesn't matter."  
"Will you explain it to me?" Tyler asked.  
"Explain what sweetheart?" Josh asked in return.  
"When you last saw your family. I know I should know, but it's missing." Tyler explained the missing memory.

"I'm sure it will be back soon sweetheart, you're just tired. So I haven't spoken or seen or heard from either my mom or my dad since they found out about us and kicked me out when I was 18. Then I saw my brother Jordan a few times in the weeks afterwards but he was only 13 and confused and angry so we didn't part on good terms. Abi, my youngest sister, didn't speak to me for a while because she was only 10 when I left and didn't understand. But Mom and Dad must have been feeding her twisted lies about me because by the time she was old enough to understand properly, she hated me. Every time we run into each other by chance, she attacks me in some way or another, so that's fun. Ashley is slightly different from the rest of them, bit gentler. She's only a bit younger than me and she was the only member of my family who checked I was okay after Debby's crash. I was already gone but she tried pretty hard to find me. Once I came home, we spent a few months together before you went into hospital for a while. Whilst you were in, she managed to track me down and we met up. We traded numbers and emails and we meet up or email every few months but I think she's scared of Dad or Mom finding out, so it's always in secret and not very often. It's a shame, but I don't need them when I've got you and your family," Josh finished.

It took him a minute to realise that Tyler had fallen asleep.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just saw that this is up with some of the longest twenty one pilots fics on AO3 and we're not even half way through yet... Oh well, hopefully you guys will stick with it till the end xx  
> Thanks so much for your comments, as a first time writer it has honestly given me such a massive boost :D x
> 
> Oh and it's mentioned part way through this chapter, so I thought I'd quickly explain catatonia for those who don't know about the condition. It's an abnormality of movement and behaviour arising from a disturbed mental state (typically schizophrenia). It's slightly different for each person, so I've based Tyler's on my own personal experiences. Basically when I'm catatonic I can't move or speak or eat or drink, and rarely respond to any sort of stimulus until the episode passes. Hope that explains it a little bit, but if not then Google is your friend :) x

"Do you have to go to work?" Tyler asked from the bed as Josh moved around the room collecting the various things he needed before he could leave for his train.

"Yeah, I'm sorry Ty, but my boss only just let me get away with taking last week off so I can't push my luck with today too. It's not long till the office shuts for Christmas though, just another two weeks. You're gonna be alright without me today, I know you are,"  
"I'll miss you,"  
"And I'll miss you too, but 11 hours and I'll be back." Josh said, fastening his briefcase.

"Just a little reminder that the hospital sorted for Amanda to stay with you a bit longer today. She's going to come round here in about an hour and make sure you get some breakfast before taking you over to the general hospital to have your stitches out, then she'll drive you to the clinic for a normal Monday, alright?"  
"I don't wanna,"  
"I know you don't babe, you never want to get them out, but it's always fine. Every single time it's been fine, and today will be no different. Just listen to Amanda, and try your best."   
"Yeah,"  
"I got to go now, but I love you and have a good day honey,"  
"You too," Tyler said, blowing a kiss as Josh headed out of the bedroom.

 

 

Josh had spent the whole of the morning in the meeting room with the rest of the lawyers working on the Harper case. There was only a few weeks left before the multi-million dollar case went to court, so the whole team was going through the usual frantic madness in the build up.

Each of the associates were telling the room of lawyers the details of the research they had completed, and slowly but surely the ideas were aligning to build a strong case.

As Josh listened intently to an associate explaining the details of a key witness' relevance, a link quickly formed in his head and he realised that it was important.  
"Did you say that his brother's last employer was White Dragon Shipping?" Josh checked across the table.  
"Yes, from September 7th 2009 till January 28th 2013." the associate read from the papers spread on the table.

The entire table was covered in empty coffee cups and a mess of paperwork.

"David Young, Laura Gold's ex husband, worked there too. Somebody will have to check the dates, but I remember reading it in the witness files. Surely if they were both at the same company at the same time then they must have met, or at least known of each other," Josh thought aloud, getting excited at the development he was making. "The company only employed a few dozen people and I know they only have one main office. They must have known each other,"

"David Young was employed by White Dragon Shipping from October 2012 till February 2013," another associate yelled out with his face in a file as the excitement built in the room.

"So that means that his police statement must have been a lie. But why lie about that? Unless you're being blackmailed," Josh continued,   
"And you can only be blackmailed if you've got something to hide," Mr Parker finished for him.

There was a buzz of excitement as the realisation of the development sunk in. "Alright everybody take 30 minutes for lunch, then back in here." His boss said to the room, and the majority of them stood up and began walking to the door.

"Nice catch there Josh, good job," he said privately to Josh before following the rest.

 

As Josh walked out of the meeting room, he couldn't help but feel a little proud of himself. Despite having a week off work, he had been able to slip straight back in, and furthermore actually make several vital points throughout the meeting. His report had been very warmly received, and he knew that his depth of knowledge on the case had impressed his fellow lawyers and his boss.

As he wandered back to his desk to grab his blazer, the receptionist Janet walked towards him.

"Josh, Mr Parker said that the meeting wasn't to be interrupted at any costs, but there was a phone call for you," she told him.  
"Did they leave a message with you?" Josh asked calmly, still feeling proud.  
"Vaguely, she said her name was Amanda and that she needed to speak with you as soon as possible. She said that she couldn't get through to your cell phone, but she's sent you an email that you need to read. I asked for a message but she said it was private, and to ask you to contact her soon." Janet explained.  
"Okay I'll see to it, thank you Janet." Josh replied, and Janet returned back to her desk.

He threw his blazer back onto the back of his chair and quickly opened up his emails on his computer, his mood dropping suddenly.

As the page loaded, he checked his cell and saw 3 missed calls from Amanda and 2 from Lily. Once the site loaded, he clicked the most recent email from Amanda.

 _Josh,_  
I took Tyler to the hospital this morning as arranged to get his stitches out. He suffered a severe panic attack during his treatment, and the hospital had to medicate him via IM in order to calm him down. I'm staying by his hospital bed and I've arranged for Matt to be his nurse again, but there's talk of transferring him to Campbell sooner rather than later.  
Call me once you get this.

_Sent from my iPhone_

"Shit shit shit," Josh cursed as he fumbled for his phone again and quickly scrolled to find Amanda's contact, then clicked it and waited for the call to connect.

"Josh, I've been trying to get hold of you," Amanda began.  
"Yeah I know sorry, I was in a meeting, is he okay?" He asked hastily,  
"He's gone quiet now, because of the meds, but he was in a pretty bad way."  
"Right, did they section him?" Josh asked anxiously.  
"No," she told him quickly.  
"And Campbell?"   
"There's no psychiatrist available to transfer him right now but it's definitely on the table. In my opinion, as a professional and as a friend, it's the best thing for him at the moment."  
"Shit, does he know?" Josh said, rubbing his face nervously.  
"No. Like I said, he was in a bad way and now he's pretty out of it. If a decision is made then I'll tell him, but I don't really see a point in doing it prematurely."  
"Right,"  
"Campbell will look after him Josh,"  
"I know," he said, then took a moment to process everything. "Where are you guys? I'll come see him."  
"Just at the general. But if you need to be at work then that's okay, I've got him covered."  
"Thank you, but I'll be there, give me about 40 minutes. And tell Ty I love him,"   
"I will, see you soon." Amanda said, then hung up.

Josh quickly threw on his blazer and jogged down the corridor where he had seen Mr Parker walk past him a moment ago. He finally caught up with his boss as he was waiting for the elevator.

"Ah Josh, great work on the Harper case this morning."  
"Thank you sir, but I'm really sorry, I'm going to need to take this afternoon off."  
"You're kidding right," the older man retorted, putting his briefcase on the floor and turning to face Josh.  
"No, I really do apologise, but I have a personal crisis I need to attend to."  
"So what? You take a week off, then come in and make a few points and somehow think that justifies you taking this week too?! If that's the case then don't bother coming back at all." He snapped angrily.  
"Mr Parker I am sorry, but my husband's unwell and I've just found out he's in hospital."  
"That's the same reason you gave me last week. You need to understand that you're not the only person here facing issues, this is the workplace and you can't let your home life continue to interfere. My wife has lung cancer, you don't see me leaving the office mid-case. Get yourself together, start acting like a professional."   
"I'm sorry to hear about your wife sir, and I do understand I'm being unprofessional, but Tyler comes first." Josh explained to the angry man.

Mr Parker took a moment to contemplate the decision and look at his watch then stare at the wall behind Josh, who stood patiently.   
"8am tomorrow, without fail."   
"Thank you so much," Josh said with a sigh of relief.  
"And Josh, leave your files and papers here. I'll get a paralegal to represent you in this afternoon's Harper case meeting." His boss said, calming a little from his initial anger.  
"Thank you again sir,"  
"This can't become a regular thing though, you understand. Make sure that you only leave when you absolutely must, and not every time you potentially could. You're a great lawyer, and a hard worker, but with every day you're not in the office you're putting another wedge between you and that position as a partner."  
"I know, and thank you,"  
"8am Mr Dun-Joseph." Mr Parker repeated, then got into the elevator that had just arrived.

Before the doors had time to shut, Josh sprinted back to his desk and collected his things. He left all his Harper case notes, then said a quick goodbye to Janet before running down the 8 flights of stairs and to the train station.

 

 

  
"Hi, where can I find Tyler Dun-Joseph?" Josh asked the receptionist as he arrived at the hospital.   
"Let me check for you,"  
"It's alright Max, I'll take him," Matt said to the receptionist as he walked past and noticed Josh.

"Follow me,"  
"Thanks,"  
"He's just round the corner," Matt told Josh, his British accent strong.

"Here we are," he said as they arrived outside a room and he held the door open.

Josh went in first and saw Tyler laying in the bed in the middle of the small room, the blanket pulled up and over his shoulders, tucked under his chin as he slept on his side. Amanda was sat beside him and smiled sadly as she looked up.

"Hey Josh,"  
"Hi," he said softly, reaching down to hug her with one arm. "Hey Ty, it's Josh," he whispered as he turned to face his sleeping husband.

He placed one hand on the side of his face and gently stroked his cheek with his thumb, then leaned in and kissed him on top of the head.

He looked behind and pulled a chair forwards and sat down.  
"I'll leave you guys to it, but someone get me if he stirs," Matt said gently, then excused himself from the room.

"What happened?" Josh asked Amanda once he left.  
"He was okay when I arrived at the house, quite compulsive but nothing harm based. Managed a fair amount of breakfast, credit to him. Then as we were driving here he got slightly anxious and more compulsive, and went completely quiet. Once we parked he started to panic, so it took us about 20 minutes to get out of the car. The staff here were great, we didn't have to wait in the waiting room and instead we were seen straight away. He coped really well to begin with and let the nurse take off the bandage and the dressing and clip the first stitch, but once she began to pull it out he got spooked. Had a nasty compulsive panic attack with scratching and head banging, so a couple of the other staff and I had to physically intervene, which upset him further. They medicated him and he's been in bed and sleeping since."  
"Right, bless him," Josh said slowly, looking at Tyler's huddled body.

"It's been about an hour and a half so he'll wake up soon,"  
"Yeah, good, and uh, thanks." he said, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands, then began whispering to Tyler.

"Ty, I don't know whether you can hear me but I'm here honey, I'm here and I love you. Wake up when you're ready, and we'll talk I promise. I'm going to make things better Ty, we'll sort this. Just enjoy your sleep, and I'll still be here when you're ready."

 

  
"Oop, sorry, I think Tyler's awake," Amanda interrupted Josh's conversation half an hour after he had arrived. Josh turned to face him and saw that his eyes were open.  
"Hey there Ty,"  
"I'll give you two a minute, and I'll go find Matt," Amanda said softly, then stood and let herself out.

"Ty honey, it's Josh. We're in the hospital but don't worry it's okay, nobody's hurt. Just take some time to wake up honey." Josh whispered, repositioning his chair closer to Tyler's head.

Tyler was laying completely still, and his eyes were open but looking straight forward at nothing, blinking occasionally. The blinks were the only movements he made.

"Tyler I love you," Josh told him, reaching his hand out and running it through Tyler's messy hair. Tyler offered no resistance so his neck and head were moved and manipulated with the strokes, like a rag doll.

"You're still half asleep sweetheart. How do you feel?" Josh asked, but Tyler didn't acknowledge him at all. "Tyler,"

"Hello," Matt said cheerfully as he entered the room, closely followed by Amanda.  
"Hey, he's awake."  
"Yup, Amanda told me. Tyler I'm just gonna check a few things okay, it's all routine and nothing to be worried about. But I know that's easier said than done so let me know if you need me to stop at any point." The nurse told him, then put on a pair of gloves.

"Ty honey," Josh said, still trying to get his unresponsive husband's attention.

"Alright can I get your finger please, just need to pop this on." Matt said, holding a pulse oximeter. Tyler didn't react, so he walked around the bed and put himself in his line of vision.

"Ty, this is just going to tell me your pulse and your oxygen sats, it won't hurt." Matt told him and paused for a moment, then picked Tyler's hand up and put the device on his finger. 

"Is that okay?" Josh asked his husband, but got no response.

"Whilst that's taking a moment to start working, I'm going to take your temperature." The male nurse told the silent man. He took a moment to set up the thermometer, then stepped next to Tyler again. "This is going in your ear for a few seconds." Matt told him as he placed the device in his ear.

"Josh, has Tyler said anything since you've been here?"  
"No,"  
"Right." Matt said, taking a moment to think. "Tyler, your temp and heart rate are good but oxygen's a bit low. Your resp rate is slightly on the fast side, so I'm going to need you to sit up so I can listen to your breathing for a minute."

"It's okay sweetie, sit up," Josh said softly, running his hand through Tyler's hair. Tyler didn't move, and stayed laying on his side with a blank expression on his face whilst looking straight forward.

"Tyler buddy, I need to know whether this is a psych thing or a physical thing so I can work out how to make it better. Can you help me out with that?"

"Matt, do you want a hand sitting him up?" Amanda asked when Tyler didn't respond.  
"Yes please," he answered, and Josh moved back slightly so that Amanda could stand beside him.

She placed a hand on each shoulder and gently rolled him so he was laying flat, then tipped him up so he was sat with his chest supported against one of her forearms.

"Tyler, hold your head up." Amanda told him as his chin flopped down. He didn't move, so Matt placed a hand on either side of his head and lifted it up for him.  
"Hold it Ty," he instructed, and Tyler did. "Good, that's it mate."  
"Well done," Josh said softly, watching as Amanda continued to hold him up by his shoulders.

Matt worked quickly, putting his stethoscope in his ears and holding it against Tyler's back and listening to him breathe for a minute.

"Okay thanks Amanda." Matt said, and she let go and sat down, but Tyler remained frozen in the sitting position.

"Tyler your lungs sound fine, you're just breathing a little shallowly, so make sure to take deep breaths yeah."  
"Lie down honey," Amanda told him, but Tyler didn't move.

"Tyler this is important okay. I need to know whether you're not responding because of a medical reason, or whether this is psych induced. I know it might be hard, but you need to respond if you can. Now, I'm going to record that you're not responding to my voice so the next thing I need to do is called a trapezius squeeze. It's gonna hurt, but I need to see how you react to a pain stimulus." Matt explained calmly, then pinched his fingers deep into the trapezius muscle in Tyler's shoulder and twisted.

Tyler winced a little and sharply breathed in, pulling away slightly.

"Sorry buddy, but that's a good sign. Now, do you think you can say something to me? Anything at all. Call me a dick for pinching you," Matt said, then gave him some time but he didn't move.

"Ty honey, please," Josh half whispered, feeling increasingly more worried.

"Alright, I'll put that down as a no. Can I get a high five? Touch my hand." The nurse said, holding his hand out in front of Tyler, but he continued to stare blankly. Matt eventually moved it away and walked back to his notes and added to them.

"Right, so there's no medical reason that suggests to me that this is some sort of reduced consciousness because of a head injury etcetera. So that means that this could just be the meds still wearing off, but that should have passed by now, or this could be a psych problem." Matt explained.  
"Right," Josh said, rubbing his chin as he looked at Tyler sat uncomfortably straight in his bed. 

"I'm going to find Tyler's consultant and talk to her about it."  
"How about catatonia?" Amanda thought allowed.  
"That's what I'm thinking too, but I'll have to call a psychiatrist down to check."

 

 

  
Josh and Amanda stayed by Tyler's bedside throughout the afternoon until 4pm when a psychiatrist finally came down and assessed him.

Josh had helped him lay down after Matt left, but he hadn't spoken or moved since then.

Matt came in to make observations every 30 minutes, and each came to the same conclusion. Josh wasn't surprised when the psychiatrist arranged for Tyler to be transferred to Campbell ward for the night.

 

 

  
"I know this sucks babe, and I'm sorry that you're having to fight this extra hard at the moment, but it won't be this way for long I promise. You're doing just fine. And I love you, remember that, okay? This is not your fault babe, I know that, and I know you're probably kicking and screaming in there, just don't stop. Keep kicking. Give it everything you've got." Josh whispered slowly and supportively into Tyler's hair, like he had been for the past 40 minutes.

They were both on Campbell Psych Ward, and Amanda had gone home. Josh had climbed into Tyler's bed with him and positioned them both so that he held Tyler against him in a side hug, and rubbed his back with his hand.

Josh stopped talking as he looked up and saw Ryan walk in.

"Hi Josh, sorry to walk in on you both."   
"That's okay," he replied softly, still stroking his dazed husband.  
"Hate to do this, I really do, but I'm afraid I've got to send you home. If I break visiting hours for one patient then it will turn into a riot, I hope you understand."  
"I get it, can you give me two minutes to say goodbye?"  
"Of course, I'll wait in the corridor." Ryan said, then stepped back out again. Josh knew that he could most likely still hear everything, but he appreciated the gesture anyway.

"Did you hear Ryan babe? He says I've got to pop home now, but I promise I'll be back as soon as I can. In the meantime, I want you to get some sleep. Ryan and then the night team are going to stay with you and make sure you're okay, so I promise you'll be safe. They can call me and I'll be here in 30 minutes, so be brave and tell or show them if you need me. But I know you're going to be just fine, because you're my Tyler and you're the bravest guy I know. I love you handsome, be brave," Josh said softly, then shuffled and repositioned Tyler so he was laying comfortably, then climbed out of the bed and kissed him on the forehead.

"Night sweetheart,"

"I'm on duty till 10, and I'll make sure the night staff are up to speed. He won't be alone," Ryan told him once he pulled himself away from Tyler.  
"Thank you,"  
"And I spoke to Dr Wakefield and he's going to come and talk to Tyler tomorrow before our meeting. Just so I know, you're coming right?"  
"To the meeting?"  
"Yeah, it'll be after ward rounds so should start about 9.30 10ish."  
"Right. I mean obviously I want to, but I'm on thin ice at work, so I'm not sure yet."  
"Oh okay, that's alright. If you can't make it then call reception and we'll arrange another one so we can ask you any questions and keep you in the loop."  
"Thank you."

"Have you told his parents yet?" Ryan asked.  
"No, I'll have to do it soon,"  
"Yeah. And since you've got to work tomorrow and he's been getting closer with them again, maybe they could visit tomorrow? That's good with me, it's just whether you think it's best."  
"Like invite them to the hospital?" Josh said.  
"Yeah,"  
"Maybe, I'll think about it. But you're right, I better go call them. Look after him yeah?"  
"Of course, and try and get some rest yourself. He's safe here."


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So after posting 19 chapters in 4 days or something ridiculous, I decided that I needed to pace myself and post a max of 2 a day... Yeah that didn't last long. Oh well, have another chapter now because I'm super impatient xx

Josh had decided that he needed to go to work that Tuesday, but he could barely concentrate as he sat in the meeting room.

He listened to his colleagues talk but didn't make any contributions, and instead kept checking his phone every few minutes. He was completely aware that he would be better off with Tyler because he wouldn't be able to get any work done when he was this distracted, but still he stayed sat in his seat twirling his pen.

"Josh, did you make any progress with regards to the potential corporal lobbying claims?" A lawyer asked, not looking up from the notes he was rapidly scrawling.  
"Uh, I read the initial accusation and all the statements, but I didn't get round to chasing it any further."  
"Oh, right, so what did the court's investigation conclude?" He asked.  
"I didn't read that, no wait I did, um, one second," Josh stumbled, flicking through his papers.  
"No sorry, I don't have it."  
"I read it," another lawyer chimed in.

"Mr Dun-Joseph, word outside now." Mr Parker said, standing and walking to the door as the other lawyer explained Josh's research for him.

"Mr Parker I'm so sorry," Josh said as soon as the door shut.  
"Go home Josh."  
"Sir, I can do better."  
"I know you can, far better. But right now you're dead weight on this case, and I don't see the point in you even being here. Blame your partner's ill health if you wish, but in reality it comes down to you. You have a responsibility to make sure you're performing at your best every time you enter this office."  
"I know sir, and I'll try harder."  
"Well you'll have to start trying tomorrow, because I don't want you back in my meeting today."  
"Yes sir,"  
"You're lucky I'm not kicking you off the Harper case entirely. There's a lot of people who would work a lot harder to be in your position."  
"And I'm very grateful, thank you."  
"8am tomorrow I want you back on top of your game."  
"Yes sir, and I really do apologise."

 

 

  
As Josh walked from the train station to Campbell, he noticed Kelly's car parked in their parking lot.

The night before he had called her but had struggled to explain what exactly was wrong with Ty because he didn't understand it himself. He just hoped that he'd done the right thing by inviting them, and that Ty would be more awake after a night's sleep.

  
Josh quickly opened the door, the metal handle cold against his skin, and let himself into the reception.

It only took a minute to sign in and walk down the familiar corridor, but it took him a bit longer to pluck up the courage to open Tyler's door once he arrived at it.

He swallowed down the anxiety that began to rise, and pulled it open.  
"Hi," he said to the room of people, although he hadn't expected quite so many. 

Josh saw a nurse he recognised from Tyler's last admission called Harriet sat in the corner, and immediately knew that she must have been assigned to be Tyler's 1-to-1 supervising nurse again. Ryan was stood next to her with his back leant against the wall and his arms crossed.

Josh looked over to Tyler's bed and saw his dad, Chris, sat in an arm chair he had pulled up from the other side of the room.

Kelly was sat on Tyler's bed next to her son, and Josh felt both relief and concern as he looked at his husband.

It was clear that he had come out of the previous day's stupor, but he still looked unwell. His eyes were watery and a little swollen, and a red mark on his forehead suggested that he'd hit it recently.  
Josh noticed that rather than wearing his own T-shirt, he was wearing dark blue hospital scrubs that were too big for him and hung off his anxiously hunched shoulders. A thin hospital blanket covered his crossed legs.

"Hey, I'm gonna step out so there's still 4 people for you Ty, but I'll talk to you later Josh." Ryan said, then walked past Josh and out of the room. 

"Hiya sweetheart, would you like to sit here?" Kelly asked, already beginning to move the blanket off herself and scoot off the bed before Josh could answer.  
"That alright Ty?" Josh checked before climbing on, Tyler nodded.

"I didn't realise you were coming so soon Josh," Chris said as Kelly sat on his lap.  
"Mom don't sit there," Tyler said, his voice cracking as he began to wring his hands aggressively.  
"Sorry baby," she quickly apologised and stood back up, then looked around the room for somewhere to sit.

"Excuse me, there's some desk chairs stacked in the room next door, help yourself." Harriet told her.  
"Oh thank you," Kelly answered, but barely took a step towards the door before Tyler shouted at her.  
"No, you can't leave!"  
"Ty don't shout babe," Josh whispered softly, "she's getting a chair, but she'll come back."  
"No no no no she can't," Tyler replied quietly, shaking his head a little too long and a little too ferociously for normal.

"Why not?" Josh asked gently, resting one hand on Tyler's wringing hands and calming them slightly.  
"You know why Josh,"  
"I want you to tell me,"  
"Because," Tyler began, then stopped for a moment and began to wring his hands again, "because then there are only 3 of you." He muttered, dropping his head down.

"Listen to me babe, when your mom is out then you have to include yourself in the 4 okay? Then when she comes back, we are back to the 4 of us again. And it's only for a moment," Josh said softly, trying his best to make eye contact with Tyler who kept darting his eyes around.  
"No no no no,"

"Kelly, quickly go." Josh told her calmly but firmly, and she did. "Ty, I missed you last night sweetheart. I'm sorry about this morning, I was at work, but Mr Parker gave me the afternoon off so I came straight here. And I knew that your mom and your dad would look after you, like they have." Josh distracted him slightly, and Kelly soon came back in carrying a chair which she then placed next to Chris'.

"Sorry about that baby," Kelly apologised once she sat down.  
"I hate you," Tyler replied cruelly, tugging his own fingers sharply and aggressively.  
"Tyler," Chris said sternly.  
"Oh you can fuck off too," he snapped.

"Tyler you're not 19 anymore, and we both know you love your mother very much. So don't say things you don't mean." His dad told him slowly but controlled.

Tyler looked angry for a moment, but Josh watched as he thought about it and calmed himself down.

"Sorry," he whispered quietly, barely audible.  
"Thank you baby," she replied with a sad smile. "And I know you don't mean it, it's okay."  
"No no no no it's not okay, it's not okay," Tyler repeated, over shaking his head again.  
"Baby I just mean that I understand, yeah? Try your best not to feel bad over it. Momma gets that it's difficult." She comforted, leaning forward on her chair so she could better see his face.

"Sweetheart," Josh gently said, rubbing his thumb across Tyler's hands. "You're okay, stop shaking your head," he hold him, and Tyler instantly stopped. "That's it,"  
"Good job baby," Kelly added, leaning back in her chair again and reaching for Chris' hand, which he quickly offered to her. Josh smiled slightly as Chris squeezed her hand supportively. 

"So, Josh, how was work?" Chris asked.  
"It was good thanks, there's only a couple of weeks left before our big case goes to court and things are getting exciting in the office. I'm feeling confi-"  
"Harper." Tyler interrupted, staring into the distance.  
"What was that honey?" Kelly asked gently, but Tyler ignored her.  
"Harper, it's the name of my case, the Harper case." Josh clarified. "Thanks Ty," he added, smiling at his husband and moving his hand so it was intertwined with Tyler's.

"So when does that go to court?" Chris continued.  
"Mediation starts January 1st,"  
"No big New Years celebrations for you then,"  
"Haha no not this year. But there will be time for celebrating once we win, hopefully. It's one of the biggest cases the firm has ever had, with one of the richest clients, so the rewards are going to be massive. Reckon I'll be able to afford to take Tyler on that year long trip to Italy I promised all those years ago."  
"Aw I'm jealous, and that's something to look forward to, right Ty?" Kelly said, but again got no response.  
"Just going to take a couple of months of hard graft first,"  
"Yeah, but it will be worth it."  
"Exactly. And if we do go to Italy then by all means come out too," Josh offered, still squeezing Tyler's hand as he spoke to the quiet man's parents.

"Italy sounds nice, but I think if I had free choice of anywhere in the world then I'd have to go over to Australia or New Zealand." Chris said, relaxing into his chair slightly.  
"I've never properly visited Europe, so I'm with Josh. I'd go Italy, then maybe Germany and France and, uhh, England, maybe one of the colder Northern ones like Sweden." Kelly told them, then turned awkwardly over her shoulder to face the nurse sat in the corner.

"Harriet? How about you?"  
"Anywhere?" Harriet asked.  
"Yeah,"  
"Ooh, I'd like to see Asia. I've done Tokyo, but some of the islands. Maybe the Philippines, or Indonesia-"  
"No!" Tyler suddenly shouted.

"Tyler what's up?" She asked lightly across the room.  
"No Harry you can't say that. No you can't say tha-, can't say that, can't, can't say," he stammered vigorously, obviously frustrated at himself. "You can't say that Harriet. We don't say Indonesia in front of Josh," he finally managed to spit out back to the nurse.  
"Tyler I'm okay," Josh reassured him.  
"We don't say Indonesia," he repeated, now holding eye contact with Josh for the first time since he arrived on the ward.

Then suddenly he broke down in tears and began to sob. Josh quickly moved and wrapped his arms around Tyler, who buried his face in Josh's blazer.

"Hey hey hey, it's alright Ty," Josh comforted him, holding him tightly but clearly feeling the jolting movements of Tyler's chest as he gasped shaking breaths. "It's alright, you're alright. Whatever it is, we can sort it. You're alright, I've got you sweetheart."

 

 

  
"Tyler, what are you thinking with regards to lunch? Because the dining room is going to stop serving soon." Harriet asked, now sat closer to him for his own safety.  
"I'm fine," he unconvincingly answered, his head leaning against Josh's chest with Josh's arm wrapped around his shoulder.

10 minutes had passed since he'd stopped crying, but it was clear that he was very fragile and Josh suspected that he could start again at any moment.

"Baby please eat. I don't want them to give you one of those feeding tubes in your nose again, that was so horrible," Kelly began, referring to Tyler's first admission.  
"We're not quite at the NG tube stage just yet, but Mom's right, you need to eat something." Harriet said.  
"Not hungry," he hoarsely whispered.  
"Alright, but it's almost time for meds and they can't be taken on an empty stomach. So even though you're not hungry, you're gonna need to have a little bit for me." Harriet told him calmly.  
"No," Tyler stated plainly.  
"We'll make things easy. You choose what, you choose where, and you choose who with." She said, but Tyler didn't acknowledge her.

"What food do you usually have for lunch on a Tuesday? With Amanda?"  
"Don't know," Tyler answered passively.  
"That's okay, we'll find you something you like. Now, normally we only let people eat in the dining room, but I reckon we can make an exception and let you have it in your room if you think that would be easier."  
"No, no food in here."  
"So you'll come to the dining room with me?" Harriet asked, and he thought about it for a minute.

"Yeh,"  
"Yeah?" She checked.  
"Yeh," he repeated, sounding more sure this time.  
"Do you want me to come sweetie?" Josh asked, playing with his hair slowly.  
"No, I just want to, no, I just want to go with Harry." He stammered as he leant forwards and shrugged Josh's arm off, then stepped off the bed and walked straight out of the room. Harriet quickly stood up and walked after him.

"Be back soon," she said, then pulled the door shut after herself.

"Oh Josh baby," Kelly quickly said, pulling him into a tight hug. "I'm so sorry, it must have been so hard recently,"  
"I'm okay I promise," Josh told her, letting go. "And I'm sorry he's back in here too."  
"No no don't apologise, you've done nothing wrong, thank you for taking such good care of him. We honestly are so lucky that our Tyler has you." She said, sitting back on her chair and holding Chris' hand again.  
"It's what we do for love," Josh said with a sad smile, suddenly feeling a little choked up.  
"Yeah, we are still grateful though Josh." Chris told him.

Josh wanted to reply, say that he never considered it an option to not support Tyler and that he shouldn't be thanked, really he should apologise for not being there for him more. But as the parent's of the man he had let slip into hospital again looked up at him, he struggled to find the words.

"Oh and Josh, this is for you." Kelly finally said, then reached into her bag and pulled out a thin booklet and passed it to Josh. He glanced down at the glossy front cover and quickly read the words.

 _Campbell Psychiatric Unit_  
Information booklet for relatives  
What to expect from your loved one's admission

"Uh, thanks," Josh said, quickly flicking through the pages of overly-happy stock photographs alongside blocks of text.  
"Sorry, you probably have a couple and know it all already, but Ryan gave it to me during Tyler's treatment meeting this morning." Kelly said apologetically.  
"No it's okay, they've reprinted them so they might be different, thanks either way. And can you give me a rundown of what happened at the meeting?" Josh asked, setting the booklet down on the bed beside him.

"Of course. So he's been officially admitted as a voluntary inpatient for relapse prevention due to everything that's been happening recently. Because it's an intervention rather than rebuilding from rock bottom, they're hoping that it will only be for a short time frame."  
"Did they give any sort of suggestion to what that actually means?"  
"Uh no, sorry." Kelly told him.  
"Well they said they'd like for him to be home in time for Christmas." Chris corrected.  
"Oh okay, two weeks, that's not too long," Josh said, genuinely pleased.  
"Yeah," Kelly said sadly, clearly not agreeing.

"And um, what's with the hospital scrubs?" Josh asked, a little unsure on whether he wanted to hear the answer.  
"Oh, um, well," Kelly began, but then became overwhelmed with emotion and had to bite her thumb to stop herself from crying. Chris squeezed her hand supportively.

"He ripped his T-shirt this morning and tied a strip of fabric round his neck, they cut it off quickly but his shirt was ruined so they gave him those to wear instead." Chris explained.

Almost without realising, Josh felt a tear run down his face. He hadn't expected to be so emotionally affected by Tyler's recent deterioration, but as another tear followed the first he knew that more were to come.

 

 

  
"Ty babe?"  
"Yeah?" Tyler replied, turning his head to look up at Josh.

His parents had gone home two hours ago so they were in one of the open areas watching a movie on the TV. They were the only two in the room, except Harriet; Josh was sat on the couch with Tyler laying on him, his head against Josh's chest.

"Do you want me to pack any of your notebooks when I do your bag tonight?"  
"Yes please, I think they're both on the shelf in the dining room but if not then they'll be on my bedside table." Tyler answered.  
"Red and black?"  
"Yeah both thanks,"  
"Course. Can you think of anything that I might not think to pack?" Josh asked, twirling his husband's hair.  
"Ummm," he thought for a moment,

"Just the normal stuff I guess. And can you throw in one of your hoodies so I can be all soppy?"  
"Yeah not a problem, I don't know why we call them mine though because you're the only one whose worn them in the past year." Josh kidded.  
"True, you look hot in a blazer though," Tyler told him.  
"And I think you look cute in my big hoodies, so it's a win win I suppose."  
"Such a flirt," Tyler said with a small smile. "Oh and don't forget to pull the string out of the hood because they won't let me have it otherwise."  
"I'll remember." Josh reassured him, then they went back to watching the third Harry Potter in comfortable silence.

"Actually," Tyler began a few minutes later.  
"Yeah?"  
"Will you bring those letters? From Jay, Maddy and, um, crap, um," Tyler stuttered after initially starting the sentence so calmly.  
"Tyler take a breath," Harriet told him from the other couch.  
"Shit, Josh, my brother, what's his name, what's my brother's name," Tyler began to panic.  
"Zack babe,"  
"Zack, yeah, Zack," Tyler repeated, now rubbing his face slowly.  
"It's okay Ty, these things happen. And yeah, of course I'll bring them." Josh comforted him, relieved that the panic hadn't turned into a panic attack.

"Sorry," Tyler said quietly after taking a moment to collect himself.  
"Don't be. And also, I know what you're like, don't overthink it okay? It's just a little memory lapse, it's not significant that it was Zack, yeah? It doesn't mean anything bigger, it's not important or special, it's just a word. Don't overthink it." Josh told him, knowing that Tyler was likely to find a deeper meaning of some sort.  
"Okay." Tyler said unconvincingly.

"Does that happen a lot Tyler? Forgetting words?" Harriet asked.  
"Yeah kinda, but only really when I'm feeling down."  
"Right,"  
"It's not the word I forget, well it is, but it's like there's this gap in my thoughts. Sometimes it's a bit fuzzy but usually it's this missing segment and my mind just goes blank. I remember it as soon as Josh tells me, but before that it's like my memory is missing certain details." Tyler explained.  
"Have you mentioned it to a doctor sweetie?"  
"Yeah, I told Dr Wakefield and he spoke to Dr Casey. She said it's just one of the things that comes with being schizoaffective and it's normal for my head to get a bit jumbled up." Ty said sadly but informatively, keeping eye contact with Harriet to Josh's delight.

"I'm sorry to hear, but you said it was only a problem when you're struggling?"  
"Usually,"  
"Well I'm sure this admission will be a turning point for you, and once we start treatment properly tomorrow then you'll be walking the first few steps to reaching the point where things like that won't be a problem anymore. I know it might seem unrealistic or scary right now, and it's going to take a lot of work, but things are going to get better Ty. All of these nasty things are going to go away as long as you put your everything into recovery."  
"I will I promise, thank you Harry,"


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this ones short, but the next one is 3x longer I promise

Over the next three days, Josh visited Tyler in hospital every evening and went to work every day.

On the Wednesday he arrived an hour late to the office as he dropped Tyler's bag of clothes and other bits and pieces off for him then stayed and talked to Ryan for a while. Ryan explained all the different therapies and activities Tyler would do, and told him about the meeting.   
Once Josh arrived at work, Mr Parker welcomed him dryly, but Josh made sure to work particularly hard and it didn't take long for his boss to forgive him.

Josh kept that high standard of work up for the rest of the week, and made extra effort to prove that he was a valid member of the team.

Tyler went through good and bad patches, but Josh was happy to hear that he'd been attending almost all of his sessions. He was having panic attacks daily, and OCD was making things particularly hard for him at times, but thankfully he hadn't had any hallucinations, or as least any that the staff knew about.

 

By the Saturday morning, his supervision had been changed from constant to getting checked every 15 minutes.

Josh arrived at the hospital at 10am and stayed in Tyler's room with him. Usually when he visited they would do something to keep Tyler's mind and hands busy, such as play chess, but that morning they simply laid on his bed and talked.

"Do you think Zack knows?"  
"That you're back in hospital?" Josh checked.  
"Yeah,"  
"I should think so. I mean your mom and dad have been to visit, and they're still living with Zack and Tatum to help out with Ben, so I imagine they've told him yeah."  
"Yeah you're probably right,"

"Why do you ask sweetie?"  
"It's probably nothing, but usually when he finds out that I'm in he tries to visit all the time, and this time he hasn't. Or if he has then they haven't told me."  
"Well last admission you told the doctors that you didn't want to see him, so maybe he remembered that and wanted to give you some space." Josh reminded him.

"Maybe. I'll ask him tomorrow," Tyler said, playing with Josh's fingers affectionately.  
"Tomorrow?"   
"Yeah, at Jay's basketball game."   
"Sweetheart I know you want to go, but we'll work up to it eventually, yeah? I promise we'll go to one soon, but not tomorrow."   
"I'm ready, please,"  
"I'm sorry Ty, and even if I decided to take you, I don't think the hospital would let me,"  
"No it's fine with them, I already checked." 

"Sweetheart, you feeling okay?" Josh asked sadly.  
"Josh I'm not sick, well, I mean I know that I definitely asked Ryan and he definitely said he'd talk to my consultant about getting a few hours of leave. And he came in before you this morning to tell me that they're going to let me, as long as I stay with you."  
"Okay sweetie," Josh said, unsure of whether Tyler had hallucinated or not.

"You don't believe me do you," Tyler said sadly, dropping Josh's hand.  
"Ty,"  
"Josh I'm telling the truth." He defensively said, sitting up so that Josh could only see his hunched back.

"I'm not saying you're lying Ty, I'm really not, just sometimes things get jumbled and confused and I want to make sure that this isn't one of those times." Josh told him, sitting up so they were next to each other again.   
"Should trust me." Tyler said under his breath as he moved himself off the bed and walked towards his bedroom door.

"Where are you going?" Josh called after him, but he had already walked out into the corridor.

"Tyler," he called again as he got off the bed and followed after him.

Josh caught up with Tyler as he knocked four times on the staff room door. "Tyler talk to me,"

"Hi, can you get Ryan please?" Tyler said as another nurse opened the door.

"Ty my man, what can I do for you?" Ryan lightheartedly greeted him a moment later.  
"Will you tell Josh that you said I can go out tomorrow,"  
"Ah yeah, I was going to talk to you both about that." Ryan said, pulling the staffroom door closed behind him and slowly beginning to step down the corridor.

"Let's pop in here for a second." He said, unlocking a small side room with a set of keys. Tyler went in first and Josh followed closely; in the room there was a small coffee table and four padded chairs which they sat on.

"Just tell him what you told me," Tyler said once they were all settled.  
"It's not as simple as that Ty, things have changed a bit since what I told you this morning. And I am sorry about that,"  
"Wh-what?" Tyler stammered softly, suddenly losing the aggression that Josh had sensed before.

"Well I talked to Harriet and she's not convinced that seeing Zack is a good idea Tyler."  
"It's nothing to do with her, she can keep her nose out of it. You're my keyworker, so are you letting me go? Or do I have to discharge myself and go anyway?" Tyler mumbled, playing with the long sleeves of Josh's hoodie that he was wearing.

"See Tyler, it's things like that that make me rethink the decisions I've made. Mate, in the nicest possible way, I don't want you to be in hospital just as much as you don't want to be in here either. So you need to show me that you're thinking rationally and calmly, and making wild statements like that isn't going to do you any favours."  
"Don't care," Tyler muttered, barely audible.

"Tyler babe, just take a moment to get yourself into a better headspace," Josh told him, eager to keep him calm so that he didn't mess up his chances of getting leave.

"No, this is bullshit. He promised I could go to Jay's game, and now he's going back on his word and I've done nothing wrong." Tyler growled.  
"That's not true actually-" Ryan began before getting cut off by an increasingly angry Tyler.

"Oh go on then! Tell me what I've fucking done! Tell me! Because as far as I'm concerned, I've done nothing but my best since I arrived and I've been nothing but punished. Well fuck you guys, you can't keep me here. I'm sick of this, you can't stop me watch my little brother play basketball, and you can't stop me discharging myself." Tyler suddenly screamed at Ryan, who sat back and took the abuse without flinching. 

Once Tyler had finished, he stormed towards the door in an attempt to leave but Josh watched as he found himself unable to bring himself to touch the door handle. As he slowly turned back around, there were tears running down his face. 

"It's okay Tyler, just sit back down and I'll open it for you once you've listened to what I've got to say." Ryan told him calmly.   
"Come on babe," Josh encouraged as Tyler remained stood up, then held is hand out for him which he eventually took then sat down right next to Josh.

Josh wrapped one arm around his shoulder and pulled him close so that he could kiss Tyler's temple, but afterwards Tyler collapsed against his chest and continued to silently cry.

"Tyler, when I said that it wasn't true, I meant that it wasn't true that I'm going back on my word. You still have leave. And you're right, I am very aware that you've been putting a lot of effort into keeping yourself grounded over the past few days. I apologise for any confusion," Ryan told the crying man.  
"Did you hear? You still have leave Tyler," Josh whispered softly, his lips close to his husband's head.

"The only thing that's changed since what I said this morning is that I want you to decide whether or not you'd like somebody from the ward to come with you. You're not sectioned, so we can't insist that you're escorted, but I want you to know that it's an option for you to contemplate and choose if you wish. That's it Ty. You can still go, I just wanted to talk about whether you'd like me to come? Or Harriet or Tom or John, or any of the other members of staff."

"I dunno," Tyler said softly, still entirely leaning on Josh.  
"It's up to you. I'd happily go because it would mean I get to watch an afternoon of basketball. And also you don't have to tell everyone I'm from the ward, so hopefully it wouldn't impact anything majorly, it would just mean that we could keep you a bit safer."

"I am safe." Tyler stated quietly, not drying his now soaked face.  
"I know Ty, but remember what we talked about earlier? When you woke up screaming? Everybody knows and understands that ordinarily you would never hurt yourself, it's entirely down to your conditions. So, although you are safe, what if they decide to make things difficult for you?" Ryan spoke to Tyler, but he didn't answer.

"What was the word you used to characterise them Tyler, can you remind me?"  
"Blurryface,"   
"Blurryface, that's the asshole I was on about." Ryan said, causing Tyler to breathe in with a slight sad laugh.  
"Asshole," Tyler repeated with an agreeing nod.  
"And this guy, Blurryface, you can't control him, can you?" Ryan continued, Tyler shook his head.  
"Yet. Can't control him yet." Josh added.  
"Exactly, not yet. So do you know whether he's invited along to the basketball tomorrow?"  
"Blurry'll be there." Tyler said sadly.

Josh had spoken to him about externalising briefly in the past, but this was the first time he'd ever heard Tyler give his mental illnesses an actual name and it caused Josh an indescribable sense of unease.

"And because he's an asshole, there's a chance he's going to throw some stuff at you. Whether that's anxiety or panic attacks, compulsive thoughts, hallucinations; none of us know yet. But you know what he looks like, right? And you know that if we tried to fight him, Blurry, that we would stand a better chance of winning if the three of us took him on rather than just you."

"Yeah," Tyler said, sitting up from relying on Josh and instead fiddling with his sleeves again.

"It's the same as with a bar fight, usually the team with the most guys wins. It's the same with Blurryface, we'll outnumber him." Ryan continued.  
"It's not the same."   
"Why's it not the same?"  
"Because Blurry isn't real," Tyler mumbled.  
"Okay he doesn't exist like the men in the bar, but that doesn't mean he's not real. May I?" Ryan said, gesturing to Tyler's hand.

Nervously, Tyler reached his arm out and let Ryan hold him gently around the wrist and roll up the hoodie sleeve.

"This is real Tyler," he said, pointing to a scab on the back of Tyler's hand caused by excessive hand washing.

"These are real too," now running his finger along a cluster of nail marks left behind from one of the previous day's panic attacks.

"And this is real," he continued, now pointing at a deep warped scar on his arm.

"All of these are real, and they're as a consequence of real illness, that just happens to be mental. No, Blurryface isn't an actual person, but he is a character that represents something very real. And I think it's great to think of them as him rather than as a part of you, because you need to take him out, not yourself."


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup this is the long one
> 
> Thanks for all the support, it's honestly boost my confidence through the roof :D x

Sunday morning came and, as agreed, Josh went to Church alone. Despite Tyler being in hospital, Josh still chose to sit in their usual seats.

Once the sermon came to an end, he quickly left the building and hurriedly walked home to escape the cold.

It was now mid December and snow was beginning to fall but hadn't yet begun to settle. Josh couldn't help but think of Tyler and his poetry; they often joked about how his favourite season was winter because snow made for the saddest metaphors.

  
He smiled as he saw the various Christmas decorations beginning to appear in people's houses, and made a mental note to sort out what he and Tyler would be doing for Christmas that year.

The previous year they had almost decided on doing nothing as Tyler was struggling so severely, but eventually ended up going to the Joseph family Christmas lunch. It hadn't ended well, so Josh was hopeful that this year would be better but was also cautious not to push Tyler and make the same mistakes two years running.

  
As Josh entered the empty house, he followed the procedure that Tyler insisted upon.

They had been working on getting rid of most of Tyler's rituals before he had taken a turn for the worse, but honestly Josh didn't mind them.

He liked that sometimes Tyler would kiss him 16 times before work because the first 15 weren't right, and it made him feel safe that he checked that the door was definitely locked 8 times before they could go to bed. He found it cute how Tyler still jumped over all the cracks in the path and couldn't tie his own laces or necktie.

It wasn't the actions Josh hated, it was the reasoning behind the actions.

Josh preferred to let himself think that it was cute he couldn't tie laces, rather than the reality that Tyler's head automatically began to tie a noose and it took all his will power to resist. The thought that Tyler jumped down the sidewalk like a little kid was better than knowing Tyler was being told that Josh would die if he stepped on a crack.

The reality was that OCD was not cute or quirky, it was terrifying and cruel and ruining their life.

 

Josh went upstairs and changed out of his suit and into more casual clothes to wear to Jay's basketball game.

He quickly checked and replied to a few work emails, then printed off a photo of him and Ty from a good patch that October. They had gone pumpkin picking for Halloween with Lily, from Ty's hospital, and her little sister. Lily had taken her camera and it resulted in some adorable couple photos. Josh smiled at the picture, then found the letter he had written to Sukki and slipped it in. Finally he stuck on the correct stamps and took it with him as he walked out of the house and to his car.

Half an hour later he had posted the letter and parked at Campbell.

 

  
"Heya," Josh greeted Tyler once he finally found him. Unusually he wasn't in his bedroom, and was instead sat in one of the shared areas with two other patients.

"Oh hi," Tyler said once he noticed him, and Josh lent down and pecked him on the lips. "Is it time to go?"  
"No not yet, I'm a bit early."  
"Okay, do you wanna go to my room?"  
"I don't mind babe, we can stay in here if you want." Josh said and Tyler nodded. "Scoot up then." He added, walking around the couch and sitting in the space that Tyler had just made for him.

"Cute hat," Tyler said, referring to the backward Cavs hat that Josh had put on.  
"Cuter on you," Josh replied, taking it off and putting it on Tyler's head which was received with an adorable giggle as it slipped in front of his face. Tyler gave it back a moment later, then found Josh's hand and held it.

"I'm Josh by the way, Tyler's husband." He introduced himself to the other man and woman sat in the room.  
"Yeah we've heard all about you, I'm Ella." The skeletal, most likely anorexic, girl said with a wave. "And he's Mo, but he doesn't talk much." She added, pointing to the man on the other couch who didn't even acknowledge his name being said.

"You been gossiping about me Ty?"  
"All good things," Ella replied with a smile.  
"I should hope so." Josh said, ruffling Tyler's hair.  
"You're even cuter than he described."  
"Are you trying to make me blush Ella?"  
"Sorry," she apologised.  
"No no it's okay," he back-pedalled.

"Ella's going on night leave tonight," Tyler told him.  
"Oh congratulations, I hope it goes well."  
"Thanks, so do I. My brother is going to pick me up whilst you're on your leave Ty, so I won't see you again until tomorrow morning. I really hope that you have a good time babe, and tell Blurry to go fuck himself." She said, smiling at Tyler.

Josh felt Tyler's grip tense slightly at the mention of the personification of his illnesses, so he squeezed his partner's hand supportively.  
"I'll try," Tyler said softly. 

"Guys, lunch hall is open." A nurse said, coming into the room. "Ella, your meal support is in room 3 rather than 2 today."  
"Okay," she said, then stood up and kissed Tyler on the top of his head. "Fuck off Blurry, let Tyler have fun."  
"You have fun too," he called after her as she left.  
"Mo, Tom's coming to get you in a minute. Tyler, you alright to eat in the main hall today?" the nurse continued.   
"Yeah, can Josh come?" Tyler asked.  
"Go on then," she said with a smile.

 

  
On the drive to the school where the game was, Josh drove and Tyler sat in the back with Ryan. They made conversation for the whole journey but Tyler remained fairly quiet and distant throughout.

Ryan had given Tyler PRN when he asked for it, on top of his usual meds, so Josh was hoping that he was calm rather than panicked.

Once they arrived in the parking lot, Josh parked a fair distance from the gym entrance, then checked his watch and saw that the game would start in 20 minutes.

"Right, you ready for this Ty?" He asked, turning around to face the two men in the back.

"I can't," Tyler began to panic.  
"You can, it's just whether you want to. And you've been very clear since opening the invite that you definitely want to. So, take all the time you need, then we'll head in." Josh said in a calming but matter of fact way.   
"We've got you covered mate," Ryan supported.  
"But what about the baby, and what if Maddy's here and Zack is still angry and," Tyler began to nervously mutter.

"Tyler, Tyler listen. If we go in and it's too much, then we can do a U-turn and literally come straight back out. At least that way you'll have no regrets because you tried. If we've come all this way and don't try then you're going to be frustrated with yourself later."  
"I know," Tyler said quietly. "I will do it, I just, um, can I have another minute first,"  
"Of course babe," Josh said, then turned back around so that Tyler didn't feel like they were both watching and waiting expectantly.

He relaxed into his seat, and soon noticed a young woman stood outside the gym. It didn't take him long to recognise that the distant figure was Tatum, Zack's fiancée. She must have noticed him too as she quickly disappeared inside the building, then returned a moment later with Zack holding Ben.

Josh didn't wave as he could hear Tyler struggling with his breathing in the backseat, but he looked at them and they looked back. A moment later, he saw Zack give the baby to Tatum, then Josh felt his phone vibrate and saw that he had a text from Zack.

_You're the black 1967 Chevy Camaro parked outside CIHS for Jay's basketball game, right? Have you got my brother?_

_Yes that's us. I've got him but he needs some time, so don't come over. We will come to you when he's ready. Also please keep Ben away from him best you can, thanks._

"Okay, okay okay okay I'm good, let's just do this, we can always turn back. I'm good," Tyler pumped himself up, then opened his car door and stepped out. Josh and Ryan followed suit.

The three of them walked, with Tyler in the middle, towards the entrance to the gym. Josh was slightly relieved to see that Tatum and Zack had gone inside.

There was a small lobby before the block split into the changing corridors and the main gym, and there were a few people stood around but Josh didn't recognise any of them.

"You okay to head into the gym?" Josh checked with Tyler. Tyler grabbed Josh's hand firmly but nodded and continued to walk.

The three of them entered the large hall together. Both teams were warming up on the court and bleachers lined one side. Chris, Tyler's dad, was head coach for Jay's team and was stood on the sideline; to Josh's slight surprise, it was Tyler who attracted his attention.

"Dad. Dad, Dad," he called, but Chris didn't hear him until the fourth. "Dad, I'm over here,"  
"Oh Tyler! Sorry, didn't hear you. Wow, what a surprise! It's good to see you looking well, does your old man get a hug?" He said once he ran over to them.  
"Um, ask me again afterwards?" Tyler replied, deciding he wasn't up for hugging just yet.   
"Okay not a problem. Do you want me to call Jay over?"  
"Uh, I'll um, I'll talk to him later. But say I'm here watching."  
"Alright Ty."  
"Also, Dad, as far as everybody here is concerned, Ryan is just a mate. I don't want people knowing he's from the hospital." Tyler said shyly.  
"Well Ryan you might want to take your ID off then," Chris said to Ryan, who quickly slipped the breakaway lanyard from around his neck and put it in his pocket.  
"Nice save, cheers." Ryan said with a smile at his own stupidity.  
"It's alright. And Tyler, I'm sorry if it's not what you wanted but your mom and I have already told all your siblings that you're back on Campbell. I should imagine they've told their partners, sorry."  
"No no it's okay. But still, he's just a mate."  
"Okay that's alright. Listen, I've got to whip these boys into shape, but enjoy the game and I'll talk to you later. Proud of you son,"  
"Thanks," Tyler said as his dad walked back to the team.

"Well done," Josh whispered as the three of them turned and walked towards the bleachers.

As Jay had promised in the invite, there weren't many people there. A few couples and parents were dotted around various benches, so the relatively large group of Joseph's stood out. They spread up two levels of benches; on the lower sat Kelly, Will and Zack holding Ben. The row above was Maddy, Tatum and Jenna.

"Whose the guy in the middle?" Tyler asked nervously as they walked towards them.  
"Will, he's Maddy's boyfriend. You've met a few times but you're not that close; you're more like the protective big brother."  
"And the girl?"  
"That's Jenna,"  
"Surrogate," Tyler quickly remembered.  
"Yeah, but she's also Tatum's best friend so I suspect that's why she's here." Josh told him, squeezing his hand tight as they got closer.

Finally, Josh saw Maddy notice them and begin to wave excitedly. He waved back, then saw as Maddy got Kelly's attention and Kelly stood and walked to meet them.

"Tyler," she said, holding her arms out. Tyler let her pull him into a hug but Josh could tell that he was having intrusive thoughts as he looked very uncomfortable.

"Should we sit here for a minute?" Ryan suggested, and the four of them sat on the bench behind them, still one block away from the rest of the family.

"Baby, what are you doing?" Kelly asked.  
"I'm here for Jay, to uh, to watch his game."   
"Is this because of that silly invite? I told him not to. Baby you should be at the hospital,"  
"I'm fine Mom."  
"Ty you're not, and I don't want anything to happen,"  
"Mom, ask Ryan, I'm okay to be here, I want to be here." Tyler reassured her quietly.  
"Campbell have given their seal of approval." Ryan said with a nod.  
"I'm sorry baby, I'm just worried. You know Zack's here right? I don't want you to get upset or have a panic attack or anything bad like that."  
"I know he's here Mom. If it's too much then I'll leave, but for now I'm fine."  
"Okay baby, just be careful, please." His mom said sadly.  
"I will, uh, I've got Josh and Ryan. And um, don't say that Ryan's from Campbell. I don't want people knowing, they might be weird about it." Tyler said, scratching his head.  
"They wouldn't, but I won't."  
"Thank you."  
"Do you want to come and sit with us then? The game is going to start in a minute."   
"Uh, yeah," Tyler said nervously.  
"We can sit on our own row Ty," Josh said, rubbing Tyler's hand with his thumb.  
"Yeah, sit behind the girls if you'd like." Kelly suggested, then waited as Tyler contemplated the decision.  
"Let's do it." Tyler nodded, then all four of them stood up.

Kelly led the way and sat back in her seat next to Will. Josh carried on up the stairs past the two rows then turned and sat directly behind Jenna; Tyler sat next to him and Ryan sat on the end.

 

"Tatum." Tyler said after they had been sat in silence for a moment.

Nobody had turned around or greeted them, despite Josh knowing that they must have seen them. They meant well, and Josh appreciated that.

"Hiya babe," she said, turning over her shoulder to face him.  
"Uh, congratulations on, uh, on the baby." Tyler said, gesturing roughly towards Zack and Ben, then wrapping his hand around the back of his neck.  
"Thank you Tyler." She told him with a genuine smile, then turned back around.

"And Tatum,"  
"Yeah?"  
"I will meet him, just uh, not today, but another time yeah?"  
"Another time," she repeated with a nod.

"Maddy, you can turn around, if uh, you'd like." Tyler told his sister, who was looking unnaturally straight forward. She turned too, as did Jenna.  
"I'm so glad you're here," Maddy said with a massive grin. Tyler didn't reply, so Josh took the lead.

"He's been begging to come for ages, and it's great to see you all. Jenna, don't leave without talking to me later." Josh said, smiling back at all the ladies.  
"Okay," Jenna replied with a smile, then cupped her hand around her mouth and intentionally loudly whispered,

"as much as I love you Josh, who's the hottie?"   
"Aha, that's Ryan, a mate of ours." He told her. "Ryan, this is Maddy, Ty's sister, Tatum, Ty's future sister in law, and Jenna, Tatum's best mate."  
"Well it's a pleasure to meet you all." Ryan said to them. "And Jenna, Josh isn't the only one who wants to have a private word with you later," he added flirtatiously, causing her to laugh.  
"One on one time? Yes please."  
"There must be something wrong with my eyes, because I can't take them off you,"  
"Ryan behave, you've got a pregnant girlfriend. And can I just add that that was one of the most cringe things I've ever heard," Josh told him.  
"Not as good as I've lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?" Ryan responded, struggling to keep a straight face.

"Tyler? You okay?" Maddy said nervously. Josh looked over to see that Tyler was sat completely upright, but entirely covered his face with his hoodie-hidden hands. He nodded, but didn't remove his hands.  
"You need to take a walk with me?" Ryan asked him.

Tyler nodded again, and the two of them stood up; Ryan waited for Tyler to move his hands and join him on the steps, then placed his hand on Tyler's lower back and guided him down the stairs and out of view.

"Was that my fault?" Jenna asked once they were out of earshot.  
"No no it's okay, he just gets overwhelmed sometimes. The whole basketball and family thing has had him on edge for a while. But Ryan will look after him," Josh reassured her.

"Ryan's from Cygnet right?" Maddy asked.  
"He's from Campbell, but Tyler doesn't want you to know that."   
"Thought I recognised him."  
"What's the difference? Between Cygnet and Campbell?" Tatum asked.  
"Uh, Cygnet was the first hospital he went to. It's a higher security intensive care unit and only for psychotic patients, whereas Campbell is a bit warmer and friendlier and it's for any psychiatric treatment. Cygnet did the job and kept him here, but we much prefer Campbell so that's where he is at the moment. Plus I don't think he'd qualify as sick enough for Cygnet."  
"When I visited him a bunch of times, that was Campbell?" Tatum checked.  
"Yeah."  
"Right okay, thanks." 

"He seems okay, like, not okay, but like, not super super bad." Jenna chimed in, flapping her hands around as she tried to explain her logic.  
"Yeah, he had a really really crappy week last week so this admission is just to make sure that things don't continue to get worse. But you're right, overall he's doing pretty well." Josh explained, then saw Tatum pull Maddy into a hug.

"You okay Hun?" Tatum asked as Maddy pulled away.  
"Yeah I'm fine, being a bit silly, I've just missed you so much Josh." She said with a tearful smile.

Josh quickly stood up from his row and stepped down to her, and she stood as well, then they hugged for a long minute.  
"I've missed you too Mads, but don't worry, Tyler's getting better so I promise we'll see more of each other."  
"I really hope so, because you're like my big brother as well as my brother in law. Sundays aren't the same without you."

"Ladies and gentlemen, before the game gets started today, I'd like to invite you to join us in standing for our national anthem." A man's voice said over the tannoy system, and a moment later they were all stood in their seats again and listening to a high school girl perform.

 

  
"Hey sweetie, you feeling better?" Josh asked as Tyler and Ryan made their way back up the stairs and into their respective places on the bench next to him.   
"Yeah, got some fresh air, I'm okay." Tyler said, and Ryan agreed with a nod to Josh.

"What did I miss?"  
"The first quarter just finished and we're winning 9 points up. You're brother is on fire, as usual, and-"  
"Jay's on fire?" Tyler repeated panicked,  
"No no, I mean he's playing well, he's okay babe." Josh reassured him. Tyler's face relaxed and he almost smiled at his own mistake, but Josh just held out his hand for him to hold. 

"Sorry," Ty said solemnly.  
"It's alright. Listen, you wanna head out of here pretty soon?"  
"Like go home?"  
"Back to Campbell yeah,"  
"Um, I haven't watched any of the game yet, and uh, I haven't uh, spoken to Zack yet,"  
"That's okay, you don't have to. I think he'll appreciate seeing you at all, and we spoke to the girls."  
"I want to,"  
"Sure?"  
"Sure." Tyler repeated with a nervous nod.  
"Let's just watch this quarter, then during halftime we can arrange something." Josh said, then they all turned their attention to the game that had started up again.

 

Tyler flinched as the buzzer sounded to mark the end of the second quarter, just like he did when the buzzer sounded to show that the bonus was in effect earlier.

Josh had still been holding him round his shoulders from the first, so the second came as slightly less of a shock, but Tyler still took a moment to collect his breathing.

"Tyler, I'm sorry for listening in on you guys, but if you want to speak with Zack then would you like me to take Ben outside for a few minutes?" Tatum offered.  
"Ben?" Tyler repeated quizzically.  
"Yeah," she said with a smile.  
"The baby sweetie," Josh clarified.   
"Oh, um, sorry, yeah please that would be, uh, would be a bit easier." Tyler told Tatum, rubbing his neck.

Josh watched as Tatum stood up and walked down to the front row; she said a few words to her fiancé then took the baby off him and gave him a kiss, then walked with a rocking bounce to the exit.

Zack turned around and looked at Tyler, but Tyler didn't notice as he was watching Tatum walk off.  
"Do you want me to go speak to him first?" Josh asked his husband.  
"No, but uh, will you walk down with me?" Tyler said innocently, wringing his hands and moving his head anxiously.  
"Yeah of course. But first, tell me what you're going to do if it's too much?"   
"I'm going to walk away, and then I'm going to find somewhere quiet to ground myself." Tyler recited; they'd already discussed all the different outcomes and come up with what would be the best solution.  
"Good, and what if he tries to hug or touch you?"  
"Take a step backwards and either ask him not to or hold up a hand between us. And if I can't, then walk away."  
"And if he gets upset?" Josh continued to quiz him.  
"Tell him it's okay and I love him, or offer a hug if I can, but don't apologise. Also don't blame myself and if I start to then walk away." Tyler repeated, concentration not entirely on Josh.  
"Alright babe, sorry, I know you know them. You ready for this?" Josh said, and Tyler nodded.

They stood up and Ryan let them past, Josh smiled as Ryan moved to sit closer to Jenna. They carried on down the stairs until they reached Kelly.

"Hiya baby, hi Josh, things okay?" Kelly asked.  
"Yeh, uh, I came for Zack, to uh, I came to speak to Zack," Tyler told her anxiously, rubbing his neck with the hand that Josh wasn't holding.  
"Baby are you sure?"  
"I'm fine, just uh, please can, no, please stand so I, uh, I can, can, uh, get to, crap," he stammered.  
"Tyler," Josh interrupted.  
"Josh I'm fine. Mom please just stand up and let me through." Tyler said frustrated.  
"Okay baby, calm down and I will." Kelly said calmly, then slowly stood up and stepped to the side and Will did the same.

Tyler slid past first, then Josh followed. Zack saw them and smiled nervously, then moved down the bench to make room for them.

Everybody sat down, and Josh made sure to sit closer to Will than to Tyler so to give them some privacy, but he could clearly hear their conversation.

"Hi," Tyler began.  
"Hey," Zack replied nervously.  
"How, how are you?" Tyler stuttered cautiously.  
"I'm pretty good thanks, little one is keeping me up so I'm tired beyond belief, but I'm well. You?"  
"Uh, yeah, um, stuff's kinda a bit rough right now but I'm doing fairly okay." Tyler answered, then they fell into a slightly awkward silence.

"Did you catch the game on Friday?" Zack eventually asked.  
"Game?"  
"Cavs v Magic down in Orlando."  
"No, I couldn't, uh, didn't."  
"Shame. Second meet this season, and our 12th straight win against them. Final score was 111 to us against a 76 for them, and James scored 25 points." Zack continued passionately.  
"Right,"  
"Then we're up against Celtics on Tuesday."  
"Oh,"  
"It'll be our first trip back to the new Boston Garden since Love's shoulder was yanked out of its socket by that guy Kelly Olynyk in the finale of our four-game sweep."  
"Yeah,"  
"Sorry, you don't care about basketball," Zack said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head.  
"No no, it's fine, it's okay, I do." Tyler told him, then they fell back into silence again.

"Uh, you get my letter?" Zack asked after taking a moment to think of a new conversation topic.  
"Yeah I did."  
"Did you manage to read it okay?"  
"Yeah I managed, and now it's bluetacked to my wall in the hospital." Tyler told him.  
"How is it? The hospital, is it-" Zack began, but was interrupted as Tyler threw himself at Zack with open arms.

It was clear that Zack was taken by surprise but Josh watched as he wrapped his arms around his brother tightly and squeezed. Josh could tell that Tyler was crying by the jerks of his chest, but decided not to intervene because Zack seemed to be crying too.

The two brothers hugged for a long time before eventually Tyler pulled his head out from its position on Zack's shoulder and sat up slowly. Josh could now obviously see that Zack's face was tear drenched as well. 

"Zack, I'm so sorry," Tyler said, his voice shaking and uneven.  
"No, I'm sorry Ty."  
"I love you,"  
"I love you,"  
"I'm so so sorry." Tyler repeated emotionally, and Zack firmly put his hand on the back of Tyler's neck and pulled so their foreheads collided.

"Stop it Ty, just stop it. You don't apologise," Zack told him sternly, still crying.  
"Just know that I'm so sorry," Tyler whispered, staring into Zack's eyes with Zack's hand still on his neck.  
"You've had me so scared," Zack said and pulled Tyler back into a softer hug, this time with Tyler leaning his head against Zack and Zack holding him with just one arm.

"I know," Tyler whispered quietly.  
"I've missed your stupid face so damn much." Zack told him through tears, quickly wiping a few away with his spare hand.  
"I'm so sorry,"  
"Stop it Tyler, it's not you. It's. Not. You. This isn't your fault, stop apologising for what you can't control."  
"I miss you Zack," Tyler sobbed, still resting his head on his brother's shoulder.  
"And I miss you too, so fucking much."  
"Visit me, please."  
"I will, every single day if they let me."  
"I'm so sorry about last time." Tyler said emotionally, referencing how he told the hospital not to let Zack visit him at all during his last admission.

"Tyler stop, I know it was just your head. If you need to hear it then I forgive you, but really there's nothing to forgive."  
"Thank you,"  
"I love you," Zack told him, then they fell quiet as Tyler continued to cry and Zack managed to take control of his own tears.

"You doing okay?" Zack eventually asked.  
"Yeah yeah, sorry," Tyler answered, sitting up from leaning against his shoulder.

He wiped his own face, then turned and saw that Zack's t-shirt was wet and briefly tried to wipe it but to no effect.

"Don't worry about it, it's fine."  
"Okay, sorry anyway."  
"Stop apologising Ty," Zack said with a small smile. "Listen, are you okay with watching TV at the moment?"  
"Mostly yeah, why?"  
"If you want, then maybe we could watch the Cavs-Celtics game together? You don't have to commit now, and pull out if it's too much, but it's just a thought."  
"Uh, yeah, yeah maybe. I'll need to get the hospital's permission, but yeah okay." Tyler said, nodding as he thought about it.  
"And I'll need to get permission from the Mrs too, but get Josh to text me and keep me in the loop?"  
"Yeah okay," Tyler nodded and wiped away a few tears that still ran down his face. 

"Thank you for coming today," Zack said, patting Tyler's leg affectionately.

Tyler didn't reply as he turned to see that Tatum and Ben were walking tentatively towards them. Josh wasn't sure how Tyler would react, so he discreetly reached out a hand which Tyler quickly held.

"I'm really sorry Ty, I'll take him away in a second, I just need the sick cloth please Zack," Tatum said, gesturing towards the muslin cloth that was tucked in the top of the bag at Zack's feet.

Zack reached down and quickly threw it to his fiancée who began to walk away again as she wiped Ben's sicky chin.

"Wait, Tatum," Tyler called after her, and she turned around and walked the few steps back to them.  
"Yes sweetpea?"  
"Is he sick?"  
"Has been a little bit yeah, but I only just fed him." She told him whilst bouncing the baby gently.  
"Do you need Josh to drive you to the hospital?" Tyler offered panicked.  
"No no, he's okay Ty. Little babies are sick all the time, it's completely normal I promise. It's honestly nothing to worry about, his little tummy tubes aren't fully formed yet so sometimes milk comes up again but he'll grow out of it. Doesn't hurt him and it's not at all dangerous, it's nothing to worry about I pinky swear." She explained softly with a smile.  
"Thank you for checking though," Zack added.

"So he's okay?" Tyler asked again.  
"He's absolutely fine." Tatum reassured him.

As she bounced Ben, he began to cry a little and she slowly shushed him.

"What's wrong?" Tyler panicked again, and Josh felt Tyler's grip suddenly tighten on his hand.  
"Nothing Ty, I think he just saw Daddy," Tatum said calmly as the baby continued to cry.  
"It's okay babe, this is all normal." Josh reassured him.  
"All completely normal." Tatum repeated. "I'll take him outside again, don't worry darling."  
"No no wait. If, uh, he needs Zack, Dad even, then uh, then let him go to him," Tyler said anxiously.  
"It's okay Ty, he'll be okay without me." Zack tried to tell his brother.  
"I'm fine," Tyler said unconvincingly, "Zack please just hold him," Tyler appealed, and Zack looked over to Josh for guidance.

Josh didn't know what Tyler was thinking, but gave Zack a nod because he suspected that Tyler wouldn't have even proposed it if he was having severe intrusive thoughts.

"Come here grumpy," Zack said softly as he stretched out his arms and Tatum carefully passed him their crying child. "Hey hey, shh, Daddy's got you," he soothed and he instantly stopped crying.

"Such favouritism," Tatum complained lightly, shaking her head with a smile.  
"Is Mommy jealous? I think Mommy's jealous because Daddy's the best." Zack cooed at Ben, who stared back at him.  
"What's his name?" Tyler asked innocently.  
"It's Ben," Zack reminded him with a smile, but gave Josh a worried glance.  
"Like the son of Jacob in the Old Testament," Tyler concluded.  
"Exactly, although embarrassingly Zack took inspiration from Ben Stiller when we were watching Zoolander." Tatum said lightheartedly.  
"It's a great movie, I've got nothing to be embarrassed by." Zack retaliated.  
"When was he born?" Tyler asked, gripping Josh's hand so tight that his knuckles were white but still facing towards the baby and not otherwise seeming upset.

"October 10th, so he's just over 8 weeks." Zack told him proudly, smiling at his son.  
"Josh we need to buy him a birthday present," Tyler quickly said to him.  
"Oh it's okay Ty, Josh already sent us some flowers and a few adorable babygrows when Ben was born." Tatum told him.  
"Josh we need to buy a birthday present for Zack's baby," Tyler repeated, ignoring Tatum.  
"Babe, just take a moment yeah? It's December right now, and Ben's birthday isn't until next October. That's 10 months away, so we've got plenty of time." Josh said calmly, his hand hurting from Tyler's extremely tight grip.

"Whose Ben?" Tyler asked confused.  
"Zack's baby. He's sat next to you sweetie, but I think maybe we should say goodbye for now and go and sit back on our row with Ryan for a bit." Josh suggested, growing increasingly worried about Tyler. 

"Can he see me?" Tyler asked like a curious child as he looked at Ben and ignored Josh.  
"Yeah, he'll track you if you move side to side," Zack told him softly, but he looked worried.  
"Can I hold him?"  
"Tyler babe, let's go sit with Ryan. You can hold Ben another day I promise," Josh said, concerned at how tightly Tyler was gripping and how confused he was getting.

"Ben, like Ben the son of Jacob." Tyler muttered.  
"Yes that's right, but I'm talking about Ben your nephew sweetie."  
"Can I hold him?"  
"Maybe later," Zack said as he kept his son tight against his chest protectively.  
"Zack, I'll take him outside," Tatum said, and reached out to take the baby off him again.   
"Can I hold him?"  
"Not just now Ty," Tatum told him as she positioned Ben comfortably against herself.  
"Please,"  
"No Tyler." Zack told him.

"Zack, where's your baby gone?" Tyler asked scared.  
"Tatum's holding him Ty."   
"Tyler, look at me babe." Josh said calmly, and Tyler took a moment before eventually making eye contact. "What's going on honey?"  
"Nothing,"  
"Will you come and sit with Ryan and me?" Josh asked, knowing full well that if Tyler said no that he would have to force him to anyway because he could be a danger to himself.

Before Tyler could answer, a voice came over the tannoy system to announce that the third quarter would start soon and Tyler looked up at the ceiling terrified.

"Josh help," he quickly begged as he slid across the bench and hid himself in Josh's chest, finally releasing his painful grip.  
"Ty it's just the tannoy, it's just the tannoy,"  
"He found me, they're here for me," Tyler whispered terrified, grappling at Josh's top.  
"Ty listen to me, it's just the speakers. You're okay, I'm here and I promise I'm going to look after you. I know it's hard, but I need you to stay with me, alright. Don't get distracted, just listen to my voice and my instructions and I promise you're going to be okay."  
"Help me,"  
"I am helping you honey, I am. Keep in control of your breathing and I'll look after the rest." Josh comforted him, rubbing his back slowly.

Tyler didn't beg for help again, but Josh could tell that he was petrified of something. Thankfully he didn't seem to be continuing to get worse, until suddenly the buzzer sounded loudly and Tyler jumped and burst straight into tears.

"Do you need Ryan?" Will asked as he sat next to them and watched the whole scene unfold. Josh nodded, and Will turned around and attracted Ryan's attention. In the meantime, Josh went back to comforting Tyler.

"Shh shh, you're okay babe, it's all going to be okay. I promise that nobody is trying to hurt you, it's just me, Josh, looking after you. I've got you sweetheart. Shh, you're safe I promise. In a second Ryan's going to help and we're both going to keep you safe. You've done so so well up till now sweetie, I love you so much, just keep trying to copy my breathing a bit more."

"Tyler, it's Ryan, can you look up for me a minute?" Ryan asked as Will and Kelly stood to let him through and he crouched down next to them. Tyler continued to cry desperately into Josh's chest.  
"Sweetheart, try and pay attention to Ryan." Josh said as he carried on rubbing his back.

"Tyler, I think it's best that we head back to Campbell now. Josh can come too, and I have your Clonazepam with me. So here's what's going to happen, listen up mate, here's what we're going to do. In a second I'm going to get out your meds and an unopened bottle of water for you, and you can take them. Then together the three of us are going to walk down the steps and along the empty bottom row, then leave the gym and walk to the car. Josh or I will drive, and the other person is going to sit with you in the back. We'll go straight to Campbell and you can either go to your bedroom or we can put you in deescalation if you need it." Ryan said calmly.  
"Tyler you're safe," Josh comforted as he continued to cry.  
"If you sit up then you'll feel better." Ryan told him, and Josh watched as he got a bottle of water and a blister pack of medication out of his backpack.

"Sweetheart, the quicker you sit up then the quicker we can head back to Campbell and the safer you'll feel. I know it's scary, but I promise you're going to be okay." Josh told him.  
"I've got your PRN ready mate," Ryan said calmly, crouching patiently.  
"Don't want poison," Tyler sniffed, his face still buried in Josh's chest.  
"I still have the packet, if you look then you'll be able to see that they haven't been tampered with. They're not going to hurt you, they're just going to help you feel less scared."  
"No no no no," Tyler said stubbornly, shaking his head against Josh.  
"Tyler listen to me. They'll make Blurry shut up, that's it. Please take them," Josh appealed to him, but he didn't move and continued to sob and pull at Josh's shirt.

"Alright, we'll try again once you're in the car Ty." Ryan said, then put the pills in his pocket and the bottle away again. "Let's get out of here yeah?"  
"I'm scared," Tyler sobbed.  
"I know honey," Josh soothed.  
"I'm scared Josh,"

"Walk with me?" Josh said calmly as Tyler pulled his face up to reveal wide panicked eyes and tear stained cheeks. Josh managed to loosen Tyler's grip on his top and hold his hands firmly instead, all whilst keeping constant eye contact. 

"Josh," Tyler whispered hoarsely.  
"You're okay. Walk with me." Josh told him, rising slowly and feeling relief as Tyler shakily stood up too whilst holding both of Josh's hands.

Josh quickly broke eye contact for a brief second to check behind him and saw that Kelly Will and Ryan had moved out of their way. He walked backwards and slowly led his fragile husband to the steps where he let go of one hand and instead wrapped it around Tyler's bicep and guided him down the steps very slowly.

 

  
Once they got to the car, Tyler continued to have a full blown panic attack in the back seat. Josh sat next to him whilst Ryan supported from the driver's seat.

After about 40 minutes Tyler eventually begged Ryan for meds and he instantly gave them to him. They took a while to kick in but almost an hour after they got into the car, Tyler was well enough for Ryan to drive them to Campbell.

During the journey Josh let his husband rest his head in his lap and lie across the other seats. Tyler still occasionally whimpered but Josh stroked his hair and kept him as calm as he possibly could.

When they arrived at Campbell Ryan went in first to prep Tyler's bedroom, then came back out a minute later.

Slowly the three men made their way into the hospital and then into Tyler's room. Tyler had another panic attack, shortly followed by a third and then a fourth. Josh and Ryan stayed with him throughout, and Harriet joined them after his second.

To Josh's dismay, there didn't seem to be much they could do to calm him down; they gave him the maximum medication that they safely could, and tried all sorts of soothing techniques, all to no avail. When visiting hours were over, Ryan, unprovoked, said that Josh could stay longer as he was the only thing that seemed to be keeping Tyler from seriously hurting himself.

Other patients went to bed and slowly the ward began to shutdown for the night.

As the corridor lights were finally switched off, Tyler's light was the only glowing source remaining in the whole building whilst he muttered, cried and panicked his way through a sleepless night.


	23. Chapter 23

"Okay, how motivated do you feel to attend your sessions today? 1 being not motivated and 10 being very motivated?"   
"4." Tyler answered again, and the assessing nurse circled the number 4 on the chart on her clipboard again.

"Almost done. With 1 meaning very strong and 10 meaning non existent, how strong are your urges to harm yourself?"  
"4."

"Finally, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being very, how stable do you feel now Tyler?"  
"4."

"Thank you for doing that, but every single answer you gave me was 4 darling. Do you think you'd find it easier if we just talked? You don't have to put a number to it, then that way I can work out how you're actually doing." The nurse offered as she set the clipboard down.

"I meant 4," Tyler repeated dryly.

He was laying on his side on the bed and not making eye contact with the nurse and instead stared at the wall ahead of him. Josh was sat in a chair next to him and held his hand on the mattress, gently stroking his thumb over Tyler's.

"Okay, we'll just leave it at that for now. Do you know what you're doing today?"  
"Thought I might try and off myself," Tyler mumbled.

"Everybody else is having breakfast now Tyler, but I saw that you opted for a supplement instead and that's okay. After breakfast there's a goal setting group for the first half of the morning, then you're scheduled for mood-management second."  
"Not going,"

"Then there's lunch, and you can choose supplement again if you need to. After lunch you've got fitness for 1 and a half hours, so you can choose whether you go with the group to the swimming pool in town or whether you want to do walking or yoga here at the unit with the other half of the group."  
"No,"

"Before dinner you've got a therapeutic art, music and writing session. I think you'll like that one Ty, I saw that you are a music teacher so I reckon it will be a bit of fun and hopefully helpful." The nurse told him.  
"It's stupid, I'm not going." Tyler whispered monotonously.

"I don't think it's stupid, I think it's great. We've got a qualified specialist who comes in, she's called Rani, and she'll do things like singing, songwriting, art and poetry with you. Ryan's already told me that you love to journal, so I think it will be your cup of tea." The nurse said hopefully.  
"No."  
"Finally you're going to an open discussion group after dinner for an hour, then you've got the rest of the evening for self care."

"No. Please just give me my meds and go." Tyler said bluntly.  
"I gave them to you before we filled in your sheet Ty, but I'll get going to my next patient now anyway. I'll see you in a bit to come and get you for goal setting group." The woman said as she picked up her clipboard and walked towards the door.  
"Don't bother."  
"See you in about 15 minutes," she called as she propped the door open and walked out.

"Tyler-" Josh began sympathetically.  
"Don't start." He replied dryly.  
"Sweetheart,"  
"I said don't. I'm not going to any of those pointless sessions, so don't waste your breath trying to convince me. I don't want to be here, this entire unit is bullshit."  
"They're not pointless Ty."  
"It's all pointless."  
"That's not true, it's going to help in the long run I promise. One day you'll look back and be grateful for them I guarantee."

"I want to go home Josh." Tyler said emotionally, suddenly on the brink of tears.  
"I know you do babe, nobody likes being in hospital, but if you want to go home then you need to show them that you're getting better and one way you can do that is by going to these sessions."

"They can't keep me here. I'll just discharge myself." Tyler replied, losing the brief fragility he revealed and instead replacing it with passive rebellion again.

"Yes technically you could, but I'm not going to let you."  
"What?" Tyler retorted.  
"Tyler you're not well. As much as I want to support your decisions, I also need to think about the bigger picture, and right now I don't feel comfortable with you coming home with me. Babe just think about last night; it took 3 of us to keep you safe and you're still covered in scratches and nail marks and bruises, imagine if we were at home and it was just me. How am I going to look after you Ty?" Josh said, but Tyler didn't acknowledge him.

"I am sorry, but I won't change my mind on this babe. If you discharge yourself then I'll have to bring you back and get you admitted again. Once we both agree that you're doing a bit better then I'll reconsider, but not just yet."  
"You should probably go to work." Tyler said flatly, pulling his hand out of Josh's grip and rolling over to show Josh his back.

 

  
Tyler continued to ignore him, so when the nurse came to take Tyler to his goal setting group, Josh left him with the team and went to work.

 

He arrived late but everyone on his case was buried deep in their own tasks so it didn't cause a massive disturbance. Josh quickly submerged himself in the final details of some research on an old case with similarities to their own. 

By lunch he was exhausted as he had only managed an hours sleep due to Tyler's panic attacks. When Andrew invited him out to get food, he turned him down and instead stayed in his office and called Zack.

"Josh, hey man,"  
"Hey,"  
"I can't talk for long, I need to take Ben for a walk to try and get him off to sleep in a minute."  
"That's alright, say when you need to go."  
"I will, what's up?" Zack asked.  
"Just wanted to check you were okay after yesterday." Josh told him.  
"Me? I'm fine."  
"You sure?"  
"Yeah yeah, it was just a bit of a shock because for a minute he was Ty but then suddenly he was sick again. I kinda forgot how quickly things can change and he can flip, so it took me by surprise. But don't worry, I'm alright."  
"I'm sorry if he scared Ben."   
"Don't be, it's not your fault. And I think it spooked Tatum more than it did Ben," Zack told him.  
"She did a great job with him before he panicked."  
"Yeah? I'll tell her you said that, it will mean a lot."

"She was perfect. But she got spooked you were saying?"  
"Just a little upset. After you guys left we watched the rest of the game, then at the end Jay ran over because Dad told him Ty was there. Tatum had to tell him what happened and she got a little tearful, then a bit tearful again in bed last night. But we talked about it and I think she's okay."  
"Bless her, pass on my love."  
"Of course. She's been really emotional over both you and Ty this past year, hormones and sleep deprivation are probably playing a part, but I think she really does just miss you and care about you so much."  
"Well get her to call me if she ever needs to, and same goes for you."

"Thanks man. How's Ty holding up?" Zack asked the inevitable question.  
"He's not his best, panic attacks all through the night with no sleep, and I think it's getting to him. Unmotivated, exhausted, frustrated. But he's on the ward so they'll do their best for him and make sure he's safe."  
"You're not with him?" Zack asked genuinely.  
"No, I'm at the office. I wouldn't take him home this morning so he's a bit grumpy with me, but I'll head over this evening and hopefully he'll have calmed down a bit."  
"Hopefully."  
"Listen, I'll let you take that beautiful kid of yours for a walk, but I'll have my phone on me so call whenever."  
"Likewise, and thank you."  
"Oh and one thing," Josh added.  
"Yeah?"  
"Tell your parents that he's safe."   
"They know."   
"I know they know, but they worry, so tell them?"  
"I will."

 

  
Josh arrived back at Campbell for the second time that day at 7 in the evening.

Sue on reception had finally learnt his name, and greeted him as he entered. She told him that it was dinner as he signed in, but that she didn't see Tyler walk past so she advised Josh checked his room first. He thanked her, then headed down the corridor.

Tyler's door was propped open and Josh entered to see his husband sat on his bed with his back against the wall and knees bent.  
"Heya," Josh said with a smile as he set his briefcase on the floor and took off his blazer.  
"Hi," Tyler murmured quietly, the sound hidden by the hand he was resting his face on.

"Back in the scrubs?" Josh noted, referencing the dark blue hospital scrubs that Tyler was once again wearing rather than his own clothes.  
"Yup," Tyler tiredly replied, as though annoyed at Josh for stating the obvious. 

"You all alone?" Josh asked as he saw there was no supervising nurse in the room.  
"Oh you know me, never alone when I've got all my friends in my head." Tyler said dryly, not breaking eye contact with the edge of his mattress.

"No Harriet?"  
"Nope."  
"15 minute obs?" Josh checked as he sat down in the armchair next to Tyler's bed.  
"Yup." Tyler said, still not making eye contact.

"How was your day?"  
"Great." Tyler lied.   
"How were your sessions?"  
"Great."  
"Which was your favourite?"  
"Dunno."  
"Did you go to the music one?"  
"Nope."  
"Tyler, did you go to any of them?"  
"Nope."  
"So what did you do today babe?"   
"Nothing." Tyler replied, before adding,

"Oh no that's not true, I tried to kill myself with a T-shirt, and Ella came by for a few minutes."  
"Ty-"  
"She bought me a journal whilst she was on night leave, wasn't that nice of her?" Tyler said, removing his hand from his face and resting it on his bent knees.

"Yeah, can you show it to me?"  
"Oh, no, it had 194 pages so it wasn't right so I threw it out the window."  
"We can fix it, take out a couple of pages to make it a multiple of 4; want me to go outside and get it?"  
"Nope."

"Ty, sweetheart, do you need a hug?" Josh offered.  
"Nope."  
"The T-shirt thing, you wanna talk about it?"  
"Nope."  
"Alright. Well I had quite a productive day. Managed to plough through those final SanCo details so now it's just about backing up our strategy before we go to court."  
"Don't care."  
"I spoke to Zack at lunch." Josh said, and finally caught Tyler's attention. He raised his head slightly and look at Josh expectantly.

"And?"  
"And he's well,"  
"What about tomorrow?" Tyler asked frustrated.  
"What do you mean babe?"  
"The Cavs game. He's still coming right?"  
"We didn't discuss it, but I don't think so sweetheart."  
"Fuck!" Tyler suddenly yelled and slapped the pillow next to him off the bed, then jumped off it himself.

Josh watched silently as he paced for a moment then stopped and put his hands on his hips and shook his head slowly.  
"Ty, come sit-"  
"Shut up. Just shut the fuck up." Tyler snapped angrily at him.

"This is all your fucking fault,"  
"Babe,"  
"This is all because of you. I saw you. Yesterday. I fucking saw you." Tyler continued to shout. "When that baby came over, I saw you nod, I saw you nod to tell Zack to take it. You know what I'm like with babies, and I fucking hate you, this is all down to you."  
"Sweethea-" Josh began, but was interrupted as Tyler suddenly started picking things up from the desk in front of him and throwing them at the wall behind Josh.

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you." He repeated as stationery smashed against the wall.

"You fucking nodded, and you fucking left. You left and I thought you were fucking dead, you selfish fucking asshole. This is all your fault."  
"Tyler."  
"No. You don't get to talk." Tyler said through tears, taking a short break from smashing things, then quickly starting up again.

"You left me for a fucking year. No call. No note. No nothing. What the Hell was I supposed to do? You fucking killed Debby, you made her drive when you knew she was feeling sick, and then she died and then you ran away like the pussy you are. You left me here alone. To cope alone. Well fuck you, fuck all of this. It's all your fault. If I never met you then I would be so much better off. Instead I'm stuck with a fucked head and a life destroying husband. Fuck sake." Tyler vented, then turned his back to Josh and stopped shouting and throwing.

"Ty-" Josh began, but Tyler quickly whipped back round and threw a metal water bottle.

Before Josh had time to react, it hit him straight in the mouth.

Josh was in shock for a moment, then suddenly felt the pain spread across his lip, felt it begin to pulse and the blood trickle down his chin and drop onto his shirt.

"Tyler babe, what's going on?" Harriet asked as she walked into the room.  
"Josh-" Tyler began remorsefully, before crying guiltily and covering his face with his hands and dropping to the floor. Harriet turned around to face Josh, and her eyes widened slightly.

"Josh your mouth." She said slightly in shock.  
"It was an accident." Josh immediately defended his husband, wincing slightly at the pain talking caused.

He raised his hand to his lip, then pulled it back and saw it was covered in red.

"Can I help?" Harriet asked concerned.  
"No no, it's okay, I'll sort it, just look after him." Josh said as he stood up and gestured towards the crying ball which was Tyler. "And Harriet, it was an accident, don't blame him."

 

 

Once Josh stopped the bleeding best he could in the bathroom, he walked back to Tyler's room. He saw that the door had been closed, and that his blazer and briefcase had been left outside for him.

He could just about hear Tyler crying, and what sounded like multiple nurses trying to calm him down. Josh took a hint and picked up his things, then signed out and sat in his parked car for a while.

  
He thought about what Tyler had said, although he tried not to because he knew Tyler didn't mean it and he knew that it wasn't true. Except, it was.

Tyler was right, Debby did tell Josh that she felt really unwell, and he did ask her to drive and pick him up anyway. And it was on that journey she lost control of the car.

Josh didn't know whether it was the guilt, or the mention of his dead best friend, or the concern for Tyler, or even the pain from the lip, but suddenly he felt himself begin to tear up.

He quickly blinked them away, then got out his phone and called Tatum.  
"Tatum, please can I come round?"

 

  
"Shit Josh, the fuck happened? Come in," Zack said as he opened the door and saw Josh's swollen lip and blood stained shirt.  
"Thanks." Josh replied as he followed Zack into the house.

Zack lead the way into the living room where Chris was sat in an armchair and Tatum was huddled in the corner of a large L shaped couch. 

"Oh my God Josh, your mouth," Tatum said as she stood up, her fluffy dressing gown flowing behind her as she walked towards him.  
"It's fine," he told her, then winced as she hugged him and carefully touched his lip with her finger.  
"Zack, go get him one of your shirts," Tatum told her fiancé, and he quickly walked out.

"Josh what happened? Was it your dad?" Chris asked.  
"No no, and it looks worse than it is." Josh told them as Tatum fussed over him.  
"Who did this to you Josh, tell me." Chris said as Josh and Tatum sat down on the couch.

"It's not important."  
"Tyler," Tatum realised.   
"I said it's not important," Josh repeated, leaning back against the couch and rubbing his forehead.  
"Oh Josh, I'm so sorry," she said, curling up against him supportively.  
"It was an accident." Josh defended Tyler, but also inadvertently admitted to them that it was him.   
"Are you okay? Other than the lip?" Tatum asked, then turned to see Zack walk in carrying a white T-shirt. 

"There you go mate." Zack said, tossing him the shirt.  
"Cheers."   
"What happened then?" He asked as Josh leant forwards and began to unbutton his blood stained shirt.  
"It was Tyler." Tatum told him.  
"Fuck, are you alright?"  
"Yeah I'm fine guys, honestly."

"Jesus Josh," Tatum quietly exclaimed. She put a hand on his wrist and stopped him from putting on the new T-shirt, and instead stared at his bare torso.  
"Leave it,"   
"He did all of this too, didn't he," she said, gesturing to the array of marks littering Josh's chest.

She ran her fingers along a red scratch below his collarbone, then down to a collection of dark green and yellow bruises on his ribs. Josh winced slightly as she gently prodded a large blue bruise further down his side.

"He doesn't mean to." Josh explained.  
"That's not important, he did it." Tatum said in slight shock.  
"Sometimes when he panics, elbows go flying, that sort of thing, he doesn't mean it. It's fine, I'm fine." Josh dismissed her, putting the T-shirt on.

"If you're fine, why did you come here tonight Josh?"   
"I don't know," Josh sighed, leaning back against the couch and rubbing his face again. 

"Why? Why do you let him?" Zack asked.  
"Because I'd rather he banged his head against me than a brick wall."

"Josh?" Chris said.  
"Yeah?"  
"Does Tyler ever hit you? Even if it's because of a hallucination or a panic attack. Does he ever hit you?" Tyler's dad asked.  
"No never."  
"Be honest."  
"Never."  
"Dad, Tyler's not abusing him. I'm sorry Josh, for everything. You did the right thing by coming here, and you can stay the night if you like. But for now, you want a beer?" Zack said.

 

  
Josh stayed in the living room with Chris, Zack and Tatum for the rest of the evening, and Kelly came down from putting Ben to bed almost an hour after Josh arrived.

She made a fuss over him and his split lip, but thankfully nobody told her about the bruises hidden under his shirt.

As the evening grew later, everybody decided they were ready for bed. Kelly and Chris were using Zack and Tatum's guest room, but Josh didn't mind making do with the couch and an old blanket that Tatum dug out for him.

Thankfully Josh was able to get to sleep quite quickly as he hadn't really slept the night before.

 

  
It was 4am when Tatum walked into the kitchen, which Josh could clearly see from the open plan living room. She got herself a glass of water and leant against the work surface, then looked over at Josh.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" She whispered, walking towards him.  
"No no, it's okay." He replied softly, sitting up.

"I've been up feeding Ben," she explained. "What's your excuse?"  
"Ah nothing," he whispered hoarsely as she sat down next to him.  
"Thinking about Tyler?"  
"Yeah,"

"I know you don't want to talk about, but what did he actually do to your lip?" She enquired, pulling her knees up against her chest.  
"He threw a metal water bottle at me, but it was an-"  
"An accident, I know hun." Tatum finished for him.

"I shouldn't have left him,"  
"Was he alone?"  
"No, there was a mental health nurse with him."  
"So he's safe babe,"  
"I know he's safe, but he'll be upset. He'll blame himself and think I'm pissed off at him, or I hate him."  
"This probably isn't very comforting, but if he's struggling like you say then if he wasn't upset over this he'd just be upset over something different."  
"Yeah I suppose." Josh agreed with a yawn.

"I'll make it up to him tomorrow."  
"You're gonna go see him tomorrow?" Tatum asked.  
"Course."  
"Hun, you really think that's a good idea? Maybe you need to take a little break."  
"It's fine, he needs me, and I want to see him."  
"Josh I know you love him, we all know, but you gotta look after yourself a bit. I mean your body is a mess, I can't imagine your psyche."  
"I'm fine, honest."  
"Even if you are fine, you can't carry on like this hun. I mean when was the last time you took a day off? Either you're at home looking after Ty, or your off being a fancy pants lawyer which is renounced for being one of the highest stress jobs out there. Don't burn yourself out. And I know it's hard to pull yourself away from somebody who needs you, but sometimes it's for the best. I'm not saying divorce him, I'm just saying let Zack visit him tomorrow instead of you. Let Zack go, then you can go the day after."  
"I don't know,"   
"It's just one day."  
"But he needs to know that I forgive him for my lip." Josh thought aloud.  
"Alright if you won't do it for yourself, then do it for Tyler. I'm sorry to say it but you look like shit. Tyler already feels guilty, surely it's going to make him feel worse if he sees how beat up you are. It's in Ty's best interest if you stay away until the swelling goes down a bit."   
"I'll think about it,"  
"Promise?"  
"I promise."   
"Alright thank you. Well I'm going to head back to bed before Ben wakes up again in an hour." Tatum said, tapping Josh's thigh and standing up.

"Night again,"  
"Night. And remember Josh, your Tyler's husband, not his carer."


	24. Chapter 24

Josh didn't get a chance to thank Tatum for her 4am counsel as she was caring for Ben when the time came for him to go, but he left a message with Zack.

They agreed that Chris and Kelly would visit Tyler, and Zack would go with them in the car and wait to see whether Tyler was up to seeing him too.

Josh couldn't stay around for breakfast as he had to go home and get changed, then head straight to work, but he left on a promise of coming back for dinner that evening.

 

  
As to be expected, he got a few unusual looks as he arrived at the office with a swollen and split lip, and wasn't overly surprised when he was called into Mr Parker's office. The older man sat him down across a desk and stared at him for a moment before beginning to speak.

"Go on then, which was it. Bar fight, domestic abuse or a tumble down the stairs?"   
"None, sir."  
"Are you going to tell me the truth?"  
"No," Josh said honestly.  
"Okay I respect that. Couple of ground rules. No talking to the clients till it's healed. No talking to the media till it's healed. No associating yourself publicly with the firm until it's healed. And don't let it happen again Josh."  
"Yes sir, and I apologise."  
"Good."

"Was there anything else?" Josh asked as Mr Parker continued to stare at him.  
"The Harper case." He eventually said.  
"What about it?"  
"How long have you been working it?"  
"Since day 1. Almost 8 months now sir,"  
"Would be a shame if you didn't get to see it through to its fruition."  
"Yes."  
"Do you understand what I'm saying Mr Dun-Joseph?"  
"Yes sir, I'll clean my act up."  
"I should have taken you off weeks ago, but I'm taking a gamble. You're a good lawyer, stop making life hard for yourself and start doing the job I hired you to do."  
"I'm very grateful for the opportunity, and I'll show you I'm worth it."  
"Good. Last chance Dun-Joseph. Now get out."

 

  
At the end of the day Josh drove straight from the office to Zack and Tatum's house, and on the journey had to use a lot of willpower to not take the exit which lead to Campbell hospital.

Once he pulled up at their home, Tatum answered the door. She held Ben against her shoulder and bounced as she burped him.

"How was work?"  
"Other than getting passive aggressively threatened by my boss, it was good thanks."  
"What a jackass."   
"Nah it's fine, how was your day?" Josh asked as they walked into the living room.

"This house is driving me nuts, but Ben's been pretty good today."  
"You two home alone?"  
"Yup. Daddy, Grandad and Granny are visiting Uncle Tyler." She said as she repositioned Ben and cooed at him.

"Have you heard from them?"  
"They left just after lunch and Zack called about an hour later, but I haven't since then."  
"What did he say?"  
"He was just checking in on us, but it sounded like he was sat in the car so I don't know whether Tyler decided he didn't feel up to seeing him or what."  
"Tyler wouldn't let him use the phone in his room." Josh told her.  
"Well they should be back soon, so we can ask them."

"Yeah. Can I hold the little man?"   
"Yeah yeah of course." She said with a smile, then gently passed him Ben.

Josh couldn't help but grin as the small baby waved his arms around excitedly and smiled happily. 

"Hiya Ben, I'm your Uncle Josh." He told him softly.  
"Aw he likes you," Tatum said as Josh moved his spare hand towards Ben's chest and the baby grabbed his little finger and wrapped his hand around it.

"He's so cute," Josh grinned. "Aren't you little man?"  
"Such a smiley boy today."   
"Happy chappy."  
"Is it weird?" Tatum asked.  
"Is what weird?"  
"Well you were almost a dad twice. Almost adopted, then almost used a surrogate," she expanded.  
"Three times. Almost got Debby pregnant."  
"Oh did you now?" Tatum joked whilst smiling at Ben.  
"Hey we were kids, accidents happen."  
"I'm not judging bro, I'm not judging." Tatum said lightheartedly.  
"Haha, well yeah, it is weird in a way I guess."  
"Yeah," 

"Ben look, I'm a monkey." Josh said to the baby, then pulled a funny face.   
"Do you think you and Ty will ever have children?"  
"Umm, honestly I don't know. I mean I'd love to, I've always imagined having a small army of kids, that's just what I've always pictured. But we can't know how he's going to be, and at the end of the day I'd rather have a happy Ty than some little rotters running round."

"Does he want any?"  
"Yeah. You have to remember that he was a music teacher for elementary school kids and he was amazing. He just has a way with them, they love him and he loves them. But then when he's not well, he gets really intrusive thoughts about them. So I honestly don't know."  
"Bless him. Well I hope you guys figure something out because you're a natural." Tatum said as Josh continued to make Ben smile and kick.

 

  
"Babe, we're home." Zack called as Josh heard the door slam shut.  
"Shhhh, Ben's sleeping," she warned him as they walked into the living room where Josh and Tatum were sat.

"Sorry sorry," he apologised and Tatum stood up and kissed him. "I love you,"  
"I love you too," she smiled, then they sat down again on the couch. 

"Hey," Josh said.  
"Hiya sweetheart," Kelly replied, sitting down.  
"Hi," Chris repeated.  
"How's Ty?" Josh asked.  
"Total mess," Zack sighed.  
"Zack don't worry him like that, he's doing fine." Kelly attempted to reassure him.

"You call that fine?" Zack protested as he ran his hand through his hair.  
"Josh, he had a panic attack but otherwise he was stable whilst we were there. He let Zack come in the room with him, and he was quiet but calm." Chris explained.  
"Only because he was drugged off his face."  
"Zackary that's not helping." Kelly warned her son.  
"It's the truth."

"Oh and before I forget, Ryan said he wants to speak to you sooner rather than later." Chris said, ignoring the other two.  
"Right, should I drive there now?" Josh asked leaning forwards in the couch and preparing to leave.  
"No, wait until tomorrow at least." Chris told him.  
"It's alright, if Ryan wants to talk then I'll go." Josh said, standing up.  
"Josh sit down." Kelly told him.  
"Why? What happened today?" Josh asked, getting increasingly more worried.

"You don't wanna know, just stay here." Zack said.  
"No I want to know, tell me."   
"Josh, do you want to talk in the study?" Kelly offered, and Josh nodded then followed her out of the room.

 

"Kelly please just be honest with me." Josh pleaded.  
"I will, of course I will."  
"How is he?"  
"I was probably wrong to dismiss Zack, I think a mess is a pretty good way of describing it. They told me that after you left he was hysterical with guilt for a long while. Got no sleep again for the second night in a row. When we arrived it took them about an hour to get him calm enough to have visitors, and yeah, that included a whole lot of meds. In spite of them, he still needed two nurses within arms length of him supervising constantly."  
"Right."  
"I'm sorry Josh."  
"Had he, uh, had he hurt himself at all?"   
"Yeah, yeah pretty bad." She told him with a sad nod, biting her lip to calm herself down as she began to get emotional.

"I'm going." Josh said, walking away and looking for his jacket.

Kelly followed him and attempted to convince him otherwise but Josh could tell by her tone of voice that she knew she couldn't stop him. 5 minutes later and he was in the car and driving to Campbell.

 

  
When Josh arrived, Sue asked him to wait in the reception rather than telling him to go straight down the corridor like usual.

A minute later she returned with Ryan.  
"Josh, evening, Tyler's parents said you weren't coming in today." He greeted Josh as he shook his hand.  
"You know me, can't stay away. They also said that you wanted to talk to me?"  
"Yeah that's right, let's talk somewhere more private, follow me." Ryan said, leading the way down a corridor until they reached a small room containing a few chairs. 

"Is this going to take long?" Josh asked as they sat down.  
"Don't worry, if Tyler wants to then I'll make sure you'll have plenty of time with him."  
"Thank you,"

"Okay, let's get straight to the point. We want to section Tyler."  
"Right," Josh said, leaning back in his seat and rubbing his face.  
"I'm sure you've noticed his decline in mental state recently; now that's he also refusing to participate in his sessions willingly and more concerning is beginning to harm both himself and other people, we feel it's necessary to intervene. It's in his best interest that we now take away his choice and become responsible for his treatment,"  
"Right," Josh said again.

"The Mental Health Act is complicated, so I'll simplify for now. You're the lawyer here, not me. There are lots of different sections by which we can detain a patient, and there are three relevant to Tyler right now. He was detained under Section 4 last week for 72 hours, but we decided he could be discharged."  
"Yep,"  
"Then the other two are Section 2 and Section 3. They both give us full control of his treatment and therefore he won't be able to refuse any. The main difference between them is timeframe. S2 is 28 days, and s3 is 6 months."  
"Okay,"  
"He doesn't have to remain for the entire time as we can discharge him early, but his team and I have agreed that we're going to apply for a Section 3."  
"6 months? Ryan I don't know about that,"  
"What's your reservation?" Ryan asked.  
"This was supposed to be respite care, supposed to be a short admission. Now we're talking about another half year?"   
"I mean obviously I can't guarantee, but I doubt he'll need the whole 6 months. I just reckon it's going to take a bit longer than a month to get him to a good place."

"Couldn't you at least try him on a Section 2 though?" Josh thought aloud.  
"If he gets to the end of the 28 days and still needs to be sectioned then I'd have to transfer him to a Section 3 anyway, so starting him on s3 means the whole process will be a bit smoother and there are a few details which make it easier for us to help him."  
"Right." Josh said defeated.

"I hear a lot about getting Tyler to a safe place. I don't want to just get him to a safe place, I want to get him to a happy place. Sure, in 28 days we could probably help him to a safer mind state, but I think that it's worth those extra couple of weeks just to make sure that this doesn't keep happening."

"Yeah I agree, I just," Josh began.  
"I know it's not the news you wanted."  
"Not exactly no. But there's nothing I can do is there?"  
"It's for the best Josh."  
"I know." Josh said, before leaning back and thinking for a minute. "Yeah okay, do it."  
"I'll send the application first thing tomorrow morning." Ryan told him.  
"Will you let me tell him though?"  
"Of course, go find him now if you want, but wait until tomorrow before you tell him."

 

  
Josh knocked on Tyler's closed door with a heavy heart.  
"Ryan?" A man's voice called out deeply.  
"No, it's uh, it's Josh. I'm Tyler's husband." Josh replied, then stood at the door for what felt like an eternity as he heard muffled voices from within the room.

"Okay, come in." The man called again, and Josh opened the door.

Tyler was sat in a chair wearing blue hospital scrubs, and either side of him sat two strong young men.

Josh glanced around the room quickly and saw that the majority of Tyler's possessions had been removed and the room was stripped to its bare basics. He noticed that Tyler's bedsheets and pillows had been removed leaving just a plastic mattress for him to sleep on, and that the framed photo of the two of them had been taken from his bedside table.

Josh knew that the hospital must have removed all the high risk items from his room, but he couldn't help but be a little shocked by its emptiness.

"I'm George by the way," the man to Tyler's left introduced himself and extended a hand that Josh shook.  
"And I'm Dean." The other said as they shook hands too.  
"Josh." Josh repeated in case they didn't hear.

"Dean, don't be a dickhead, give my husband your seat." Tyler spat quietly at the man without looking up from fiddling with the new bandage on his arm.

"Tyler, arm's length supervision means arm's length." The man told him.  
"And you're a dickhead means you're a dickhead. Give him your fucking seat."  
"Ty babe, it's fine." Josh said calmly as he pulled up another chair from the other side of the room and sat opposite Tyler.

"Dean fuck off, I hate you. You're a cunt." Tyler continued to spit without moving his eyes.  
"Alright Tyler, no need for that sort of language." George interjected.

"No offence or anything, but where's Harriet? She usually watches over him." Josh asked the two nurses.

"She's too weak to pin me down." Tyler answered for them flatly. "But don't stress, these two have had tons of practice. They pinned me down over and over and over again for no reason, and Dean kept punching me and he even pinned me down by my throat one time."   
"Tyler." George warned him sternly.  
"It's true." Tyler said.  
"I don't think it is babe." Josh replied doubtfully.  
"I'm gonna sue." Tyler continued to speak without looking up. Dean looked at Josh, and Josh instantly shook his head to reassure him that he knew Tyler was just trouble making.

"Tyler, babe, look at me. Sweetheart, eye contact please," Josh appealed, then waited for a long minute at Tyler continued to play with his bandage.

Eventually his head flicked up briefly but quickly looked back down, then snapped up again for the second time and this time stayed up. Josh watched as Tyler looked at the damage he had done to Josh's lip and immediately burst into tears.

"I'm sorry," Tyler choked through sobs.  
"It was an accident,"  
"I'm sorry,"  
"And I forgive you Tyler." Josh said calmly.   
"I'm sorry,"  
"Sweetheart it's okay, it doesn't hurt and I'm not angry or upset I promise."  
"I'm sorry,"  
"Okay that's enough. You've said it four times, we like four, yeah? So now it's time to move on." Josh told him soothingly as he continued to work himself up.  
"Keep yourself grounded mate." Dean told him.   
"I'm not your fucking mate!" Tyler suddenly screamed at Dean, then lunged at him aggressively.

Josh sat back helplessly as Dean caught Tyler and held him back to stop him from hitting him. George managed to grab one of Tyler's arms and a moment later Tyler was being restrained face down on the floor by the two men.

"Tyler, we'll hold you like this until you calm down. It's for your safety as well as Dean's." George told him as Tyler screamed.  
"Sweetheart it's okay, you're okay," Josh attempted to soothe, moving down from his chair to sit on the ground as Tyler continued to scream and cry. "You're alright handsome, I'm here,"

"Tyler stop pulling, I'm not letting go." Dean told him as Tyler attempted to get away.  
"Fuck you!" Tyler screeched before slamming his face into the ground.   
"Babe,"  
"No no no no,"  
"Tyler listen, I know you're scared but they're not going to let go until you calm down. It's hard, but please try to listen to us, sweetheart, rather than your head. I promise you're going to be okay, I promise. Just be brave, I know you can do it." Josh comforted him.

"The floor," Tyler whispered into the ground.  
"What was that Tyler?" Dean asked, not hearing him.  
"The floor, I hate it!" Tyler screamed at him.  
"Okay, calm down and we can get off it." George told him.

"Josh please," Tyler cried out.  
"It's okay babe I understand, I understand. Do you want to put your head on my hand? Would that help?" Josh offered, then flattened his hand and moved it under Tyler's cheek so that his head no longer touched the ground.

"Josh be careful," Dean warned him.  
"He's my husband, not an animal." Josh told the man as Tyler cried against his hand.

"He doesn't like the floor, I know you can't let him go but can you at least let him lie on the mattress. Please."  
"Once he calms down,"   
"He's not going to calm down like this,"  
"I don't know if we can, George?" Dean asked.  
"Tyler, if we move to the mattress you have to promise not to try anything." George said, but Tyler didn't respond and continued to cry and squirm.  
"Babe please, tell them." Josh said, stroking Tyler's hair with his free hand.

 

  
50 minutes later and Dean and George had let Tyler move to the mattress. As Josh had hoped, it had only taken a few moments for Tyler to calm down enough for them to let him go.

Ryan came in and, at Josh's request, he told Dean and George that they could go home. Ryan sat in the opposite corner of the room, but left Josh and Tyler to their own business sat on the bed together.

"I have to work tomorrow, but I promise I'll come here afterwards, does that sound okay?" Josh asked as he played with his husband's hair, who had his head in Josh's lap.  
"Yeah that's okay,"  
"Will you try one session tomorrow babe?"  
"I'll try," Tyler sniffed.  
"That's all I can ask, thank you sweetie,"

"Sorry again,"   
"Stop apologising, I want to be here. I want to be here with you because I love you so damn much," Josh said, running his fingers through Tyler's messy hair.

"Josh?"  
"Yeah sweetie?"  
"Are Dean and George coming back when you leave?" Tyler asked innocently.  
"Um, honestly? I don't know babe," 

"Ryan?" Tyler called out softly. "Ryan are they coming back?"  
"You're still on observations, but those two have gone home now. Once the night team get here then you'll have two members of staff with you overnight, and you're back to two day staff tomorrow morning again. But Ty, if you don't feel comfortable with Dean or George then tell me. It's my job as your keyworker to sort out these kind of things,"

"I know, it's just hard," Tyler said quietly, playing with a loose thread on Josh's pants.  
"Hard to ask for help?" Ryan asked.  
"Yeah,"  
"That's a normal way to feel babe," Josh reassured him.  
"Now that we know about the intrusive thoughts regarding the dirt on the floor, I'll make sure everyone knows to restrain you on the mattress instead when possible."  
"Thank you," Tyler murmured.

"And Dean and George? Be honest with me, do you need a change?"  
"Please,"  
"Done. It's that simple Ty." Ryan said, "Is there anything else?"  
"Ty you can tell him," Josh supported after a moment of silence, knowing that Tyler most likely had something else.

"I, uh, um, do, um,"  
"Take your time," Ryan told him, listening intently.   
"Do you, uh, can you change my timetable?"  
"Maybe, some of the group activities are set, but I'll see what I can do. What needs to be changed?"  
"Music. I need you to get rid of music." Tyler said.  
"The therapeutic art, music and writing session?" Ryan checked.  
"Yeh, I uh, I need it gone."   
"Babe," Josh started, but was lost for words.

"Tyler, if you can give me a good reason then I'll see whether I can get it changed, but I'm not convinced as of now. You found it really helpful last admission, why not this time?"   
"I just-" Tyler began, "I don't know," he back-pedalled.  
"You can tell me," Ryan said gently.  
"Doesn't matter,"  
"Ty what is it?" Josh asked.

"Just that I love music, I love it so much, and it sucks because I have to sit in that room and have it rubbed in my face that I can't do it anymore."  
"You can still do it, you've shown me your recent poetry Tyler, you're still amazing at it." Josh told him.

"The poetry is just music that I'm too scared to finish. I miss my piano. I miss the way it feels under my fingers, and I miss the sounds that I could create and the power it gave me, I miss being able to sit at my stool and pour my heart out through black and white keys and not stop playing till everything made sense."  
"Tyler,"

"And the kids, my little kids I used to teach. The looks on their faces when they nailed that arpeggio, or finally learnt those chord progressions, or showed me the piece that they had written themselves." Tyler remembered fondly.

"You're an inspiring teacher Ty,"  
"Was." He corrected. "I used to sit with them everyday and watch as they improved from Hot Cross Buns to Für Elise. They got better, they improved, I don't."   
"You're a work in progress, which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once. And Tyler, I know you told me all of that because you were trying to convince me to take music off your rota, but really it's just reinforced my belief that music is going to help you through all of this. I'm not going to take it away from you, I'm just not. And I think it's actually going to be more beneficial if we spend some more time working on music with you. How does that sound? Have more sessions and finally crack those intrusive thoughts once and for all so that you can start playing your piano again and you can start venting musically again, and eventually can start teaching again. Does that sound like a good plan to you too?" Ryan said.  
"Yeah," Tyler agreed quietly.


	25. Chapter 25

A week passed, and when Josh woke up on Wednesday the 23rd of December there was nothing to see but snow from his bedroom window.

It was the last day the office was open before taking a 4 day weekend for the holidays, but that meant that no proper work would be done so Josh hoped that he would be able to slip out as early as possible to spend time with Tyler.

Tyler had been sectioned, and that provoked an angry then tearful reaction from him, but towards the end of the week he had started to calm down and engage in his treatment a little.

As they had discussed, Ryan changed his timetable to include more music, including reserving the piano room for an hour each evening just for Tyler.

Although Tyler hadn't yet actually touched a piano, he did silently attend a few of the therapeutic art music and writing sessions, and had begun to sit in the piano room with Josh rather than in his bedroom. Josh could sense that there was a part of Tyler that was desperate to reach out and play the instrument, but for the time being there was bigger part that told him awful things would happen if he touched the keys. In spite of this, Josh had to admit that Tyler did seem ever so slightly calmer.

 

  
As Josh had suspected, the last day in office consisted of very little working. Mr Parker attempted to hold a final strategy meeting for the Harper team, but called it off half way through and wished everyone a Merry Christmas then left.

Josh interpreted that as permission for him to leave at lunch too, but first went round the office and wished a Merry Christmas to his closest colleagues.

The last person he said goodbye to was Janet, his receptionist.  
"Jan, come give me a hug," he said as he pulled the elderly woman into his arms. "Have a very Merry Christmas."  
"You too Josh, you too. Oh and I got you and Tyler a little present," she said, before reaching into her bag and pulling out a large but thin rectangular wrapped gift, tied with matching red ribbon.

"You're making me feel bad Janet, I didn't get you anything," he admitted as he took the gift off her.  
"Don't be silly, there's nothing I want from you. And this is more for Tyler than for you,"  
"You didn't have to,"  
"I know I know, but I wanted to." She said with a big smile.  
"Well thank you very much, should I open it now?"  
"Kids these days, always in such a rush. Wait until Christmas Day like you're supposed to."  
"Well if you insist." Josh replied with a smile, slipping it into his briefcase outer pocket.

"Have a good Christmas Josh, nobody deserves one more so than you."  
"Thank you Jan, for everything." He thanked her as he hugged her again and kissed her on forehead, then headed out of the office and into the parking lot.

 

 

  
Although Campbell never had a 'normal' feeling, Josh found it particularly odd as Christmas grew closer. There were a wide range of emotions and moods as each patient found out whether they would be allowed any leave over the holiday.

Some were elated as they were told they could spend the day with their loved ones, and some were so happy that Josh suspected it was tipping to mania as a result of their various illnesses.

On the other hand, patients deemed too unwell were often hysterical in the corridors, and others simply sank deeper into their depression.

Everyone was anxious, whether they were anxious about going home, anxious about staying in hospital, or anxious as they awaited their verdict.

Meanwhile the staff attempted to keep the atmosphere jolly with Christmas themed activities and decorations which only highlighted how depressing the ward felt.

 

Tyler hadn't yet been told whether he would have any leave, but Ryan had promised that they would find out some point that day. Josh could usually call which way the hospital would go, but today he couldn't make up his mind.

On the one hand Tyler was calmer and starting to attend a couple of sessions, but on the other he was still quite unstable and his last leave to Jay's basketball game hadn't ended well.

They'd just have to wait and see what his team thought.

 

As Josh entered Tyler's room, he was surprised to see that Ella was with him as well as Harriet and George.

Harriet had replaced Dean as one of his supervisors as thankfully Tyler didn't need to be restrained very often, and Josh hoped that soon he would be decreased to just one nurse again.

"Hi guys," Josh greeted the room as they all turned to look at him and responded with a flurry of hellos.

"You're early today," Tyler said in a deep tired voice, smiling at Josh.  
"The office shut for Christmas break," Josh explained, then leaned in for a short kiss.

Thankfully his lip had healed pretty quickly, so all that was left from the incident was a small bruise on his chin.

"Do you want me to go babe?" Ella asked Tyler.  
"You can stay if you want,"  
"Yeah, don't leave on my account Ella." Josh added as he pulled up a chair next to the bed that the two of them were sat on.  
"Thanks, I gotta get ready for my brother in a minute but I reckon I can stay a bit longer with my fave psycho." She said, wrapping her skinny arm around Tyler's shoulder and squeezing herself into his side.

"I'm flattered," Tyler smiled shyly.  
"You going on leave with your brother again?" Josh asked.  
"Yep, 3 nights at home for Christmas." She answered happily.  
"Congratulations, and I hope it goes well."  
"Aw thanks babe, you're so cute, I'm a bit nervous honestly, but uh, I'll be okay," she said, still grinning.

"You'll be fine." Tyler reassured her, leaning his head on her shoulder.

She leant her head against his for a moment and stared into the distance then turned and planted a kiss on his forehead. Tyler had been slowly wringing his hands but Ella reached down, picked one up and intertwined their fingers.

"I'll be fine," she repeated quietly, sounding unconvinced.  
"You'll be fine," Tyler said again.  
"Oh gawwd, you're not gonna start saying that over and over again are you?" She grumbled playfully, smiling once more as she giggled.  
"No I'm good,"  
"Psycho," she teased him.  
"Twig," he teased back quietly.

"Josh," Ella said, still playing with Tyler's fingers.  
"Yeah?"  
"Tyler told me that the black hoodie he always wears doesn't smell of you anymore and he's sad about it,"  
"Ella that was a secret!" Tyler quietly exclaimed, hiding his face in her shoulder embarrassed, causing Josh to smile.

"Aw babe, we both know you're soppy so there's no point in trying to hide it. And don't worry, I'll bring you another." Josh told him.  
"Haha, well I'll leave you two to it, and George and Harriet to third and fourth wheel." Ella said, shuffling off the bed.

"Ty babe, listen, no matter what they decide about leave, I want you to have an amazing amazing Christmas, okay?" She said, facing him and still holding his hand.  
"I'll try,"  
"And can I talk to Blurryface a second? Blurry you asshole, you leave my babe Tyler alone. If I find out you gave him a hard time then there's going to be Hell to-"  
"Ella," Tyler interrupted anxiously.  
"Sorry sorry, I know you don't like it, sorry. But I'm serious Ty, I want you to have an awesome Christmas, so be a good boy and take your meds and look after yourself properly."  
"I will,"  
"And call me on Christmas Day,"  
"Screens,"  
"You don't do phones," Ella remembered, "but then again, you don't do physical contact either and yet here we are," she smiled and Tyler shrugged slightly.

"Ella what time is your brother picking you up?" George asked.  
"I know I know, I gotta go Ty, but I love you." She told the fragile man, then lent forwards and placed another kiss on his forehead.  
"Merry Christmas," he replied as she walked away.

 

After Ella left, Josh filled her place sat next to Tyler on the bed. For the half an hour following her departure Tyler engaged in casual conversation with George, Harriet and Josh, but after that his energy levels suddenly dipped so Josh let him curl up with his head in his lap.

When Ryan entered to ask them to move to the meeting room, Josh had to wake Tyler up.

The meeting room contained a long table where Tyler's team sat. As they entered, Harriet filled a seat between the ward manager and Tyler's consultant, whereas George stayed by Tyler's side and sat with him and Josh at the other end of the table.

"Tyler, let's start with how are you?" Ryan asked, leaning back in his chair.  
"I'm okay,"  
"Yeah?" Ryan checked.  
"Yeah. I'm uh, I'm a bit tired and my mood's kinda low but yeah. Head's trying," Tyler said truthfully, tapping his temple with his finger. "But I'm on top of it right now,"  
"Good good, and sorry about waking you up from that nap." Ryan smiled.  
"That's okay."

"You know what this meeting is about?" Tyler's consultant, Dr Ronan, asked.  
"Christmas leave."  
"We've been talking for quite some time before Ryan went to get you, but our decision isn't made until we've taken your opinion into account. So, is there anything you want to say?" Dr Ronan told him.  
"No," Tyler said, sinking in his chair and playing with the bandage on his left arm.

"You sure about that Ty?" Harriet asked, knowing that they would be more likely to give him what he wanted if he showed passion for it.  
"Yeh. Um, actually, uh, can I get this off please?" Tyler said, holding up his bandaged arm.  
"Few more days," Ryan told him.  
"Okay then," Tyler accepted immediately.

"Tyler,"  
"Yeah?"  
"Christmas leave. Do you want any?" Ryan asked.  
"No." Tyler answered quickly.  
"Sweetheart-" Josh began, surprised by Tyler's response.  
"I don't want it Josh."

"That's okay Tyler, we can't and won't force you to. If it's what you want, then you are more than welcome to stay here. But if it influences your thinking at all, we all agreed that you can have a couple of hours day leave." Ryan told him.  
"It's fine, I'll just stay in, thanks though."

"Can you tell us why?" Amanda asked him.  
"Because I don't want to ruin another Christmas for my family." Tyler said solemnly.  
"What makes you think you'd ruin it?" Amanda inquired.  
"It's kinda what I do. It's my thing."  
"That's not true Ty," Josh interjected.  
"Jay's basketball game,"

"Tyler I was there, and you did not ruin it. I know that thought is not something that's going to go away by me telling you that, but regardless it's true. Everyone was thrilled to see you, and I can guarantee that they'd be overjoyed if you decided you were up to Christmas as well. You wouldn't ruin Christmas; even if you became unwell, which might not happen, that wouldn't mean it was ruined. You'll be surrounded by people who care about you, and they'll make sure they keep you as happy and safe as possible." Ryan told him.  
"Yeh," Tyler murmured.

"We gave you leave not because you're necessarily having a good patch but because we honestly believe you can do it. Yes you're still having panic attacks and obsessive compulsive thoughts, and the occasional schizoaffective episode, but you're doing all the right things. All the work you're putting into taking your medication and attending sessions is showing real determination, and that determination is going to help you through Christmas."  
"Right,"

"Tyler I know that this isn't-"  
"How long, sorry, how long have you given me?" Tyler interrupted Ryan.  
"5 hours."  
"No, no that's not going to work,"  
"Well let's call it 4 hours plus 4 quarters of an hour, is that better?"  
"Or you can come back an hour early," Amanda suggested.  
"I don't know anymore," Tyler said quietly.  
"Can we have some time to think about it?" Josh asked.  
"Yeah of course."

 

Josh and Tyler went with George to the piano room to talk about the offer.

The piano room of course contained a grand piano, and also a long red couch against one wall. On that wall was a quote that had been painted in beautiful black sweeping letters.

_Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent  
\- Victor Hugo_

George and Josh sat on the couch, whereas Tyler opted to sit with his back turned against the piano on its stool. After about half an hour of gentle support, Tyler decided that he would take the leave.

 

  
Whilst Tyler had his one-to-one session with Dr Wakefield before dinner, Josh stepped outside the unit and paced around the snowy parking lot.

He called Kelly and told her the news. They spoke for roughly 15 minutes about how to make things as easy for Tyler as possible, but eventually Josh had to end the phone call because the cold was getting too much to bare in his thin suit.

As he walked back towards the ward door, his phone buzzed in his hand again. To his surprise, he looked down and saw it was an email alert from his sister Ashley. He quickly tapped the notification.

 _Hi Josh,_  
 _Sorry it's short notice, but I was hoping you'd meet me tonight. If you don't come then that's fine, but I'll be at that bar out of town where we used to meet from 7pm._  
Merry Christmas,  
Ashley

  
Josh jogged back inside and found Ryan. He explained that he needed to go, and Ryan understood. Josh borrowed his pen and a sheet of paper and jotted a quick note for Tyler to read once he came out of his session, then collected his things and walked to the car.

 

  
In spite of the snowy conditions, Josh arrived at the bar 10 minutes early. Rather than going into the building, he chose to sit in his car for a bit.

He knew that the driver's seat had once been Tyler's favourite place to sit and think; he'd take the car and drive anywhere in silence, then come back a couple of hours later.

Tyler didn't drive anymore but Josh followed in his footsteps and sat silently, just letting himself think.

Time ran away from him slightly and when he next checked his watch he saw that it was 7.10. With anxiety building in his gut, he slowly got out of the vehicle and walked to the bar.

As he entered it didn't take him long to locate his sister sat at the bar, her ginger hair flowing down her back. She turned around and saw him, then smiled and climbed off her stool to hug him.

"Hey Ash," he whispered into her hair as he squeezed her.  
"Oh Josh, I didn't think you would come."  
"Of course I came," he said, letting go and sitting on the stool next to her.

"Can I get you a drink?"  
"That would be lovely, thank you," Ashley said as Josh caught the attention of the barman.  
"What can I get you two?"  
"I'm feeling Christmassy so I'd like an eggnog, but non alcoholic for me, you want the same Ash?"  
"Uh, I'm vegan so I can't, but a small white wine sounds good." She said and the man left to get them the drinks.

"You're a vegan?" Josh asked.  
"Yeah, have been for a couple of months now." She told him with a shy nod.  
"And you're drinking again? I thought you stopped,"  
"I only stopped because I was taking anxiety medication, but now with my lifestyle changes I've stopped needing them." She explained softly.  
"Oh that's good, I'm happy to hear it." Josh said as their drinks arrived.

"Uh, cheers," he awkwardly toasted, holding out his glass.  
"Cheers," she quietly repeated and clinked their glasses. "I see you're not drinking though, does that mean Tyler's bad?"  
"Or maybe I just don't want to drink drive. Should we move to a booth and talk properly?" Josh offered, standing up and leading the way to a booth in the corner of the room.

Josh sat down first, Ashley then took off her jacket and sat opposite him.  
"Listen, Josh, Abi told me what she did." Ashley started, referring to Abi attacking Tyler whilst they visited Debby's grave.  
"Mmm," Josh mumbled as he sipped his drink.  
"I'm so angry at her, and at myself. I was in the Church, I attended her service, if only I had stayed with her afterwards then maybe it wouldn't have happened at all."  
"There's no point feeling guilty, it was her not you. And anyway, you wouldn't have been able to stop her without making it obvious that you've been seeing me."  
"Still, I feel really bad."  
"It's not your fault,"

"Even though it's been like 3 weeks, she's still going on and on about you. All these horrific things she says are driving me mad, I just want to slap her sometimes. That's one of the reasons I wanted to see you tonight. I can't stand being in Mom and Dad's house for Christmas because all Abi talks about is how vile you are and it's getting harder and harder to bite my tongue."

"You have to Ashley. I appreciate you wanting to defend me, but it's not worth it. Trust me, being on the receiving end of this crap is worse, and I don't want you to put yourself in that position too."  
"I know I know, I won't. Was Tyler okay?"  
"Nope not at all." Josh answered honestly, taking another mouthful of his drink.

"Is he home alone now? Because you can get back to him if you need to,"  
"He's in hospital."  
"Crap Josh, I'm sorry," she said sympathetically.  
"Not your fault."  
"Was it Abi's?"  
"It's nobody's fault, it's mental health."  
"But did she cause him to get bad again? Because when we met in September you said he was doing really well."  
"After she attacked him he went into hospital for 3 days, then came home for 5, then went back in again."  
"So it was her,"  
"Ash it doesn't work like that, he was getting steadily worse anyway. And what's the point in playing the blame game? Doesn't bring my man back." Josh said, leaning back against the booth cushioning.

"Sorry,"  
"I just miss him yanno," Josh said sadly, playing with the sugar in the middle of the table.  
"Are you staying at the house alone? Or are you with his parents again?"  
"The house."  
"If you're lonely then I'm sure they'd take you in."  
"I know they would, and I stayed at Zack's house for a night last week, but it's not so much that I'm lonely it's just empty."

"Do you know how long till he comes home?"  
"They initially said two weeks, but they've just sectioned him for 6 months so who knows."  
"Shit I'm sorry."  
"Sucks,"  
"Yeah it sounds like it really sucks. Have you been able to visit him much?"  
"Everyday."  
"You still miss him though?"  
"Yeah, I mean I love him so much and that doesn't change when he's sick, but when he is sick he isn't himself and I miss my real Tyler. That sounds really crappy I know-"  
"Josh that doesn't sound crappy at all."  
"I dunno, I mean obviously he is Tyler, but at the same time he isn't."  
"Yeah,"

"He's uh, he's started characterising his illnesses into this one personification, calls them Blurryface. He could explain it better than me but the idea basically is to create some space between Ty and Blurryface so that he can understand them better and hopefully overcome them. I don't know if it will work or what, but how I see it is that right now Blurry is in control. Stop me if this isn't making sense."  
"No I think I get it, carry on."

"So Blurry is in control, and he looks like Tyler and everything but he isn't really. And even though I sit with him every single day, it's more like I'm sat with Blurry than Tyler."  
"Yeah. Even though you're sat with Tyler, when he's hallucinating he's not himself and you miss him."  
"Not just when he's hallucinating though, it's all the time." Josh expanded.  
"Right,"

"It's like everything he does is controlled by Blurry, every thing he says and every little movement he makes. He doesn't sleep much so when I visit I usually sit on the bed and he rests his head in my lap and curls his legs up. We'll talk, but he always takes a long time to think of his response and he always stutters. Anybody who knows Tyler will tell you that he's a charismatic speaker and he's amazing with words, but right now with Blurry in control he can barely spit out a sentence."  
"Bless him,"

"And sometimes I can feel him doing this compulsive breathing thing. He'll hold his breath for a really long time, then suddenly do lots of small breaths, then hold it again."  
"Why does he do it?" Ashley asked.  
"His head tells him things will happen if he doesn't, like his parents will get hurt or I'll die."  
"Oh that's horrible."  
"Yeah. And I wanna support him obviously, but I'm never sure what I can do because the smallest thing could push him over the edge. Like one minute he'll be fine with me twirling his hair and then the next he'll have a panic attack over me touching it."

"Are the hospital doing anything to help him?"  
"They're trying. He has therapeutic activities and group sessions and therapy sessions he can go to, but I'm not convinced they're working just yet. I think Blurryface is just slightly calmer rather than Tyler regaining strength."  
"But you've got to remember that if this Blurryface character is calmer then Tyler is calmer as well. He might not be himself but at least he's calm."  
"Yeah," Josh murmured, still playing with the sugar.

"I hope things get better for both of you soon."  
"Thank you. And I'm sorry, I've just sat here and talked for ages, any news with you?" Josh said, pushing the sugar aside and making eye contact with his sister.

"It's okay, and yeah actually, I've got some pretty big news."  
"Go on, spill then." Josh said as Ashley reached down to her handbag and opened a side pocket.

Josh finished his drink as she finished with the bag, then slipped a ring on her fourth finger.  
"Andrew proposed."  
"Oh wow, that's amazing! Congratulations!" Josh said with a smile.  
"Thank you. It's all quite new, he did it last week, but I wanted you to know."  
"Wow, and thanks. Can I see the ring?" Josh asked, and Ashley held out her hand for him.

He took her fingers and looked at the beautiful silver band encrusted either side with small diamond stones, meeting at a larger stone.

Josh smiled then looked up at Ashley, but was taken a back when he saw the tears filling her eyes.

"Sorry sorry," she said, pulling her hand away and wiping her cheeks.  
"Ash what is it?"  
"It's just,"  
"Just what? You can tell me,"  
"You're not going to be there." She said emotionally, tears falling fast.  
"At the wedding?"  
"Yeh," she nodded.  
"It's okay, honestly, it's okay. I want you to marry Andrew and wear a beautiful dress and have a gorgeous ceremony, and not spend your special day thinking about me. Then you're going to go on a magical honeymoon and start the rest of your life with the man you love. And once you come back, email me a picture or ten. Yeah? Does that sound okay?" He said supportively, reaching out and holding her hand.  
"Yeah," she nodded again, smiling despite the tears.  
"It's okay Ash, you're still going to have an amazing day. But for now I'll get us some more drinks."


	26. Chapter 26

The morning of Christmas Eve Josh spent wrapping presents. He had already bought gifts on behalf of him and Tyler for Tyler's family so it only took a quick trip to town to buy the final few bits and pieces for Tyler's grandparents who he recently found out were also coming to Christmas at Kelly's.

Tyler hated presents therefore, as promised, Josh hadn't bought him one and told his family to do the same.

 

By lunch Josh had completed the stack of wrapping, and carried the different shaped boxes to the car.

He was going to see Tyler, then go straight to Kelly's to drop off the presents and attend the evening Church service with Tyler's family.

It took him three journeys but eventually he managed to cram all the gifts into the trunk and the back seat.

 

He began the drive the normal route to Campbell like usual, but as he saw the exit he stayed on the highway instead.

Josh wasn't exactly sure what he was doing or where he was going but he carried on driving regardless, the radio turned off.

He knew he should turn back and head for the hospital but for some reason he couldn't will himself to actually stop driving further and further away from Tyler.

It wasn't until 10 minutes later that he realised he was autopilot driving to the town where he had grown up. He finally came off the highway and drove the familiar streets with no plan, trying to figure out why he had subconsciously brought himself there.

As he drove past a florist, he quickly decided to park and buy some flowers for Debby.

Less than 5 minutes later he was driving towards the street he had once lived on, with a bunch of pink peonies on his passenger seat.

Whenever he usually bought flowers for Debby he would place them on her grave, but for some unknown reason Josh decided that today he would deliver them straight to her parents.

 

The Ryan's lived directly opposite the Dun's, and Josh had spent a large proportion of his life in their home. Debby's parents, Missy and John, had been like parents to Josh too.

When Josh's family kicked him out for being bi, they took him in. He was only told to leave when his own parents had found out what they had done and convinced them that he was evil. Josh wasn't sure whether they truly held that same belief, all he knew was that he was told to get out.

Josh wasn't sure why exactly he was going to see them; he was aware that he would be very close to his family and there was a risk of getting hurt, but he did it anyway. He also wasn't sure how they would react to seeing him. He hadn't seen them since the morning before her death.

 

Josh had loved, and still continued to love, Debby very much. They were inseparable as toddlers, and that theme carried on as they grew up.

It wasn't until they became freshmen that people started to make comments about the fact they were opposite genders. Josh had never thought of Debby in that way, but as 9th grade came to a close he started to notice just how beautiful she really was.

Despite realising that he had a crush on her that summer, he didn't pluck up the courage to ask her out until a couple of weeks into sophomore year. At first she thought he meant go to the movies as mates, like they did all the time, but once he explained his true intentions she giggled then agreed.

The date went really well in spite of Josh's nerves, and they immediately agreed to go on another and then another and then another. It was on their fourth date that they kissed and agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

Josh knew the cliches about gay guys dating girls, but it wasn't like that with Debby. He really did love her as a girlfriend and not like a sister. He really did find her sexually attractive, and he really did enjoy when they kissed, or more than kissed.

That was what made falling in love with Tyler so confusing. 

It was only a couple of weeks before Jebby's two year anniversary that Josh and Tyler made out for the first time. Josh was shocked and horrified with himself, not because he had cheated on Debby with a man, but that he had cheated on Debby period.

She could tell there was something wrong because Josh had been avoiding her and avoiding the whole situation in general. He did eventually tell her what he'd done and she was hurt and upset but she wasn't angry. In tears she broke up with him and asked him to leave her house. 

Josh was surprised the next day when his mom knocked on his door and told him that Debby was downstairs and wanted to talk to him. Josh had gone downstairs and saw Debby stood in their living room, wearing his jacket. She didn't say anything but reached out her hand for Josh to hold, which he did.

Debby then led Josh out of his house and across the road to her house and into the living room. She continued to stay silent, just gestured for him to sit. As he sat down, she walked out of the room then returned a few minutes later holding two bowls of ice cream. Josh could still remember the words they exchanged.

 _"My ex boyfriend is an idiot and I really need my best friend right now."  
"I think I love two people and one of them's a guy."_ They told each other emotionally, Debby crying.

They spent the rest of the day talking and crying and eating ice cream. It was on that day that Debby helped Josh to realise he was bi, and also encouraged him to speak to Tyler. Josh remembered that she had quoted Johnny Depp when bravely telling him to move on from her and pursue Tyler.  
 _"If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second."_  
It was confusing and terrifying, but in the long run Debby had been right. Josh just wished she had been alive to see that.

 

Josh decided that he'd been sat in the car long enough, and he either needed to give the flowers to Missy and John or turn around and drive to Campbell.

His heart began to race as he grabbed the flowers with a shaking hand and opened the car door.

He'd parked a few houses down, so had to walk through the thick snow to get to the Ryan's house. Although he tried not to, he couldn't help but look across at his old home. Josh shook his head and concentrated on the sidewalk in front of him, then turned up their drive. He took a deep breath before knocking on the door.

It didn't help Josh's nerves that it took a long time before Missy opened it.  
"Hi, Missy, I-" Josh began.  
"Josh?" She said shocked, only holding the door open a fraction.  
"Yeah." He nodded.  
"Josh why are you here?" The woman said in a hushed voice.  
"I, uh, I bought some flowers." He told her, holding out the bunch.

Missy opened the door enough to step out, then quickly pulled it closed behind her and took the flowers off him.  
"You should have left them at her grave." Missy murmured sourly.  
"Sorry,"  
"8 and a half years Josh. Why today?"  
"I don't know,"  
"You shouldn't be here. You should go."  
"I know,"  
"Are you trying to get yourself killed? Get out of here."  
"I know, and I'm sorry Missy." Josh said, beginning to walk away.

"Wait, Josh."  
"Yeah?"  
"Thank you," she said, then turned to open the door and go back inside, but stopped again and turned to face him once more.

Josh didn't know what to do so stood still, then suddenly she walked towards him and wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug. 

"I thought you were dead you stupid stupid boy."  
"I'm so sorry," Josh said, trying to maintain his composure.  
"Josh you have to go now, you have to. Jordan and Bill are in my kitchen right now, and the rest of your family are going to be here any minute. If you know what's good for you, you won't come back here again." Missy told him, pushing him away and quickly walking into the house with the flowers still in her hand.

 

Josh jogged back to his car, but didn't start the engine. He took a minute to process what had just happened, and before he knew it he had a single tear rolling down his face.

When he looked up, he saw some people crossing the road, and it didn't take him long to realise it was his family.

Josh panicked and didn't know what to do, but tried to calm himself down and keep still.

He watched frozen as his mom and Abigail walked in front, laughing as Abi kicked snow at his mom. Then he saw Ashley walking hand in hand with a man he didn't recognise, but presumed it to be her fiancé Andrew.

Suddenly the fact that Josh had just seen his mom for first time since she chased him out of his home was too much to handle, and he had to get out of there. 

He quickly started the engine and began to drive straight to Kelly's house as quick as he could. His mind was racing with memories of Debby and fear about Tyler and the rejection by his family and the conversations with Ashley and the words of Missy and it was too much it was all too much.

 

Josh didn't bother parking properly and just pulled over on the side of the road. He didn't remember whether he locked the car but he didn't care, he just strode straight towards the Joseph's house.

The rest of the family were already there for Christmas so Josh had to weave between all their cars parked on the drive, but eventually he made it to the door.

The door was closed but Josh pushed the handle to reveal it wasn't locked and he walked straight in, not stopping to wipe his snowy wet shoes. As he walked down the hall he saw Zack but ignored his attempts to say hello and continued to the kitchen where he knew Kelly would be.  
"Kelly," was all Josh could choke out before he began to sob.   
"Oh baby," Kelly said, sweeping him up in open arms and holding him.

 

  
20 minutes after Josh had burst into tears, Kelly moved them from the kitchen and into the living room. Tatum, Zack and Chris had been in there but Kelly asked them to give them some space and they immediately filed out.

Kelly held Josh's hand and together they walked to one of the couches and sat down. Other than a few generalised comforting words, they hadn't properly spoken since his dramatic arrival.

"Sweetheart, I'll be back in a moment. Make yourself comfortable," she said softly, squeezing his hand with a sympathetic smile then walking out of the room.

Josh sighed and leant back against the cushion. Although he'd stopped crying, his face felt dirty from all the salty tears and his eyes were swollen and sore. Josh still had a lot on his mind, but his slight breakdown in the kitchen had definitely relieved some of the anxiety that had been suffocating him before.

"There you go baby," Kelly said as she walked back into the room holding two mugs. Josh pulled his hoodie sleeves over his hands slightly, then reached out and took a mug off her.   
"Thank you," Josh said, his voice breaking.

"It was Tyler's favourite 'feel better' drink when he had a hard day." She told him as he looked down at the mug and saw it was filled with hot cocoa and little marshmallows. "Don't tell anybody, but the secret is to use almond milk."  
"Right," Josh whispered, raising the mug to his lips.

"Josh, honey, if you want to talk about it then we can talk about it. And if you don't? Then that's okay too. Whatever it is, I promise that we're going to work through it together because we're Joseph's and that's what we do."  
"Yeh," he said softly, tucking his knees up against his chest.  
"Just let me know if there's anything I can do." She sincerely comforted, reaching out a hand and rubbing his forearm briefly but supportively.  
"Thank you,"  
"And I want you to know that I love you very much, and I'm so proud of you."  
"Thank you, and I love you too." Josh faintly replied.

"Are you feeling any better?" She asked after a moment of silence whilst Josh drank his cocoa.  
"Bit," he nodded.

"I had just finished speaking to Tyler when you arrived, and he's doing okay. I think he would want you to let us take care of you today, so I know you had plans to visit him but let's just put them on the back burner whilst we sort you out yeah?"   
"Yeh." Josh agreed, feeling too tired to argue.   
"Good, thank you honey." she smiled sympathetically.

"Uh, you spoke to him?"  
"Yeah, he used Ryan's phone on speaker. He wanted it to be a surprise, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind me telling you; he called me to arrange his Christmas present to you." Kelly told him, and before Josh had time to understand why, he began to cry again.

There was no logic behind it, but hearing that Tyler was trying to do something nice for Josh just piled on another emotion and set him off again.

Kelly opened up her arms and Josh put his mug down then moved along the couch and into her embrace.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me," he apologised as he wiped his eyes in the hug.  
"There's nothing wrong with you Joshua, you're just overwhelmed and that's okay." She reassured him. "You're okay, just get it all out of your system. If anybody deserves the right to a good old cry, it's you sweetie. You've been so brave and so strong for so long, and it's not good for you. It's not doing you or any aspect of your health any favours, but don't worry sweetie, I'm going to look after you and help you out. We all are. You're in a house full of people who don't need an explanation and will always care about and support you no matter what."  
"Thank you,"

"I know what you're like Josh, you'd rather take on the weight of the world single handedly than ask for help because you don't want to be a burden and because someone else has it worse. Is that fair to say?"  
"Yeah," Josh sniffed, curled up against Kelly whilst she continued to hug him.

"It's okay to ask for help, in fact I want you to ask for help. And no matter how much I wish there was, there's no quick fix for any of this. But that doesn't mean we can't try, okay? I can't make all the bad stuff go away, but I can hold your hand through it all I promise. Remember the old saying, a problem shared is a problem halved."  
"Yeah,"

"Saying the words “I’m not doing so great” doesn’t mean you’re a burden, or tiresome, or exhausting. It’s a part of being alive. Every emotion is. Joy. Hurt. Pain. Love. Hope. Fear. It’s all there to be felt, to be experienced."

"You sound like Tyler." Josh whispered with a smile, his voice cracking slightly. Kelly chuckled.  
"Well I'd love to say that he got his way with words from me, but that would be a lie." She told him lightheartedly. "You're gonna be okay kid, you and Tyler are going to be okay."

 

  
An hour later Josh was feeling better, not quite himself, but better. His head was pounding but Kelly sat him down at the kitchen table and made him a late lunch, and thankfully the large glass of water helped a little.

As he was eating, Tatum entered the room and gave him a hug then walked out again.

Once he finished the plate, Kelly agreed to take him to see Tyler. Although he could have driven himself, he was grateful for the offer and quickly took her up on it. She had to buy a few things for Christmas Day, including Tyler's present for Josh, so she told him that she would take him to Campbell on her journey out and pick him up on her return.

  
When they arrived at Campbell, Josh expected Kelly to drop him off but instead she got out of the car and walked with him.

"Kelly it's okay, you don't have to come in with me." Josh told her.  
"No no it's alright, and I have to talk to Ryan quickly anyway."  
"Ryan?"  
"Yeah, he's sorted Tyler's meds for tomorrow so I need to collect them,"  
"Argh I forgot to do that, I'm sorry," Josh groaned as they arrived at the door and went in.

"Josh it's okay, it's not all down to you remember? And anyway, he's going to talk to me about Ty for a bit because you know what I'm like, bit of a worrier. It's just a little chance for me to ask some questions and yeah, I want to do it. So I'm going to wait here for him, and you go find Tyler. I shouldn't be too long at the shops, and if you need collecting early then call me." Kelly said as they signed in at reception.

"Yeah okay, thank you."  
"Not a problem sweetheart, have a good visit." Kelly said and pulled Josh into another hug. Once she released him, he headed down the corridor to Tyler's room. 

He arrived at the door with his husband's name printed on it and knocked, but nobody answered. Josh knew better than to open the door as it could be a sign that Tyler was struggling, but as Kelly and Ryan walked towards him he realised that was not the situation today.

"Josh, he's in the piano room." Ryan called out once he was close enough, and Josh quickly jogged to join them in turning around and walking down a different corridor which contained both the piano room and Ryan's office. 

"Thanks,"  
"Yeah he had a bit of a wobble over going on leave tomorrow so after he calmed down he went in there to try and keep himself calm."  
"That's good," Josh said, pleased that Tyler was trying to look after himself a bit.  
"Yeah he's doing really well, and he's down to 1:1 supervision for a trial this afternoon." Ryan said, then stopped outside the room and knocked on the door with his knuckles.

"Hey Ty? Josh is here for you buddy."  
"Come in," Tyler called, and Ryan pushed the door open.

Josh walked in and saw that both Tyler and Harriet were laying on their stomachs. He also noted that Tyler was laying on a yoga mat whereas Harriet was on the floor, so Josh suspected it was to help him with his intrusive thoughts.

In front of them were a couple of sheets of paper, and both held a pen.

"Hey baby," Kelly waved from the door.  
"Mom? What are you doing here?" Tyler asked curious.  
"I'm not sticking around sweetie, I just dropped Josh off and I'm gonna get your meds for tomorrow then I'll head into town."  
"Oh okay,"  
"But Tyler,"  
"Yeah?"  
"I want you to give this handsome husband of yours some love." Kelly said softly, then pulled the door shut leaving Josh standing alone and Harriet and Tyler still laying on the floor.

"What did she mean?" Tyler asked, standing up.  
"Nothing sweetheart," Josh smiled. "How are you?"  
"I'm fine, are you okay?" Tyler dismissed the question, concern for Josh obviously his priority.  
"Yeah," Josh nodded, reaching out his hands for Tyler to hold. 

"You're puffy."  
"I'm what?"  
"Your eyes, you're all puffy." Tyler said, letting go of one hand and gently touching Josh's cheek.   
"Okay I'm a little puffy," Josh admitted, reaching up to his own cheek and finding Tyler's hand again.

Puffy had been an almost-codeword they had used throughout their relationship to signify that they could tell the other had been crying and to show concern without saying it outright.

"But Ty? I'm okay now I promise."  
"Promise?"  
"I promise. Now, what have you two been writing?" Josh asked, hoping to move on the conversation so Tyler wouldn't get too worried.

He sat down on the opposite side of the yoga mat to Harriet, and waited as Tyler took a moment before sitting down too.

"You wanna tell him Tyler?" Harriet asked when Tyler didn't reply, but Tyler shook his head.

"Okay I will. Tyler had a panic earlier over his leave tomorrow, so he decided that writing out a plan would help him feel a bit calmer about the whole situation."  
"I think that's an awesome idea, well done babe."   
"You're timing is actually perfect, because we had just got a bit stuck on the guest list crib sheet we were writing out."   
"Can I see it?" Josh asked.   
"Tyler, it's under your foot, can you let Josh read it for us?" Harriet said, but was blanked by Tyler who continued to sit silently.

"It's okay, I don't have to if you'd prefer I didn't Ty," Josh told him.  
"Tyler, what's wrong?" Harriet said as Tyler ignored them both. "Would you like me to ask Josh to step outside for a minute?"

"No," Tyler finally said, shaking his head.  
"Okay babe, I won't." Josh told him, holding out a hand which Tyler held.

"Why are you puffy?" Tyler asked a little distressed.  
"It's nothing sweetheart,"  
"You're dying aren't you, that's why Mom drove you and-"   
"Tyler, Tyler stop, Tyler I'm fine," Josh tried to comfort him as he began to work himself up.  
"Tyler he's okay." Harriet said calmly.

"Why are you puffy?!" Tyler exclaimed, on the brink of tears.  
"Babe, calm down and I'll tell you."  
"Tell me." He snapped emotionally.

"You remember yesterday I had to leave?" Josh said and Tyler nodded, causing a few tears to spill down his cheeks. "I went to see Ashley, my sister, and-"  
"Is she okay?" Tyler panicked.  
"Yes. In fact she's more than okay sweetheart, she got engaged."  
"You two got engaged?"  
"No Tyler, I'm married to you, she got engaged to her boyfriend Andrew." Josh explained, pointing to Tyler's ring. "Ashley's fine."

"Sorry." Tyler said a minute later as he calmed himself down a bit.  
"That's okay handsome."   
"Will, uh, will you carry on?"  
"Only if you want." Josh checked, and Tyler nodded.

"This morning I went to see Missy,"  
"Debby's mom?"  
"Yeah Debby's mom," Josh nodded with a proud smile. "I took them some flowers, and yeah, it was quite emotional."  
"You saw your family didn't you."   
"Briefly, but-"

"Why do you always do this?!" Tyler interrupted angrily.  
"Do what honey?"  
"They don't want you Josh! Why can't you just accept that? They don't want you and we do! Or are we not good enough for you."  
"Tyler," Harriet said, trying to calm him down as he snatched his hands away from Josh.

"No Harriet, don't fucking start. You haven't met them, they're disgusting. They tried to kill me." Tyler told her.  
"Sweetheart, nobody's trying to kill you." Harriet replied.  
"They did, they fucking did." Tyler spat.  
"Tyler, you're safe. Listen to me, Josh's family won't hurt you."  
"They already did!"  
"Ty-"  
"He's right," Josh interrupted.  
"Nobody ever fucking believes me." Tyler said exasperated, standing up and walking out. Harriet quickly stood up and went after him, leaving Josh alone in the room.

Any other day he would have gone after them, but today he was too emotionally drained to bring himself to. Instead, he stayed sat on the floor and stared distantly at the wall.

  
"Josh?" Ryan said, poking his head through the piano room door.  
"Sorry do you need this room?"   
"No it's okay." He replied, walking in.

"Are you alright? Kelly's worried about you, and I just went to say goodbye to Tyler before I head home and he said you guys had a fight?"  
"We didn't fight,"

"What happened?" Ryan asked, sitting down next to him.  
"Oh you know, he thought I got engaged to my sister, called my family disgusting then yelled that they didn't want me." Josh said passively as he rubbed his face.  
"He's just confused,"  
"Yeah I know he doesn't mean it."  
"You don't usually take this stuff to heart, what's going on man?"  
"I don't even know. Just had a crappy day."  
"Say no more, I understand. They happen to the best of us, but a night of sleep will do you the world of good."  
"Hope so." Josh said with a sad smile.

"And if it develops into more than just a bad day, let me know and I'll get you some help."  
"I'm fine, but thanks."  
"Alright, bare it in mind though. Kelly said she was going to collect you right?"  
"Yeah,"  
"Do you want to just wait it out in here until she arrives then? Because that's okay."  
"I should probably go see Tyler."  
"You don't have to,"  
"You sure about that?"  
"Absolutely. It's Christmas Eve, take the night off."

 

Josh didn't move from the floor of the piano room during the next hour, although he did briefly flick through the pieces of paper that Tyler had written and left beside him.

He didn't know what he was doing and why he wasn't sat with his sick husband, but he felt so drained and exhausted that sitting on the floor seemed his only option.

Eventually he got a text from Kelly saying she was in the parking lot.

All it took was for her to ask him how the visit went for him to burst into tears again. She drove him home, stayed with him whilst everyone else went to church, then made sure he was properly fed and tucked into the sofa bed that she had prepared for him last minute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Just in case you didn't pick it up from the brief mentions in a few other chapters, Josh's dad Bill attacked Tyler when they were teenagers. Josh found Tyler beaten to a pulp outside his house, and Ty spent 11 days in hospital. That's what they refer to when Tyler says they previously tried to kill him)


	27. Chapter 27

As Christmas Day began, the Joseph household was buzzing with life. Josh saw various family members individually, but the first time they were all together was at the breakfast table.

The entire family sat around the feast of pastries, breads, eggs, meats and fruits that Kelly had prepared, all wearing their pyjamas. It was a bit cramped, but everyone could just about fit.

Maddy, Will, Jay and Tatum sat on the opposite end of the table to Josh, then in the middle sat Chris and his parents, finally closest to Josh were Zack and Kelly, and baby Ben was in his basket on the couch next to Zack.

Everyone was laughing and having a good time, but Josh couldn't quite shake off the events of the day before and he guessed that Kelly could probably sense that. 

"Can I get you anymore food Josh? A cinnamon pastry maybe?"  
"No I'll pass thank you, if I have anymore then I'll pop."

"I'll take one Mom," Zack said so Kelly held the basket out for him.  
"Slow down Zackary, you've still got Christmas lunch to come. Don't want you getting too fat this holiday,"  
"So Josh is allowed one and I'm not!" Zack complained playfully as he stuffed it in his mouth.  
"Well we both know that Josh is my favourite."  
"Ah that is true." Zack concluded with a smirk.

"Speaking of favourites,"  
"Go on, where's this going." Kelly asked, leaning back in her chair.  
"When's Tyler coming?"  
"Tyler isn't my favourite Zack, I don't have a favourite child." She said with a smile.  
"Sureeeee, that's what all parents say. And no, you just spend the most time with him,"  
"Oh I'm sorry, whose house have I been living in for the past two months? Whose child have I been looking after?" Kelly teased.  
"Ah fair enough, I'm your favourite."  
"Zackary,"

"Oi Jay, did you hear that? Mom said I'm her favourite." He yelled down the table to his brother.  
"Well that's just because she feels sorry for you being so pathetic. I'm obviously her favourite, I'm her only daughter, her special child," Maddy called back laughing.  
"Let's get real though. I'm the favourite." Jay corrected.  
"I think you'll find that I'm her favourite. She chose to be with me, she's stuck with you lot." Chris added, before blowing a kiss to his wife.

"See what you've started?!" Kelly pretended to be mad at Zack.  
"Sorry everyone," Zack apologised with a flickering fake sad face.

"Anyway, Ty," he continued more quietly as other conversations began again.  
"Uh, he's off the ward 11.30 till 4.30, so I think I'll probably set off just before 11." Josh told him.  
"Is that all?" Zack asked.  
"Zackary, 5 hours is a decent start."  
"Yeah I know I know, but still."  
"I think 5 will be plenty," Josh sighed, not quite realising what he was saying until it was too late.

"You think he's going to freak out?" Zack asked.  
"Whatever happens, we'll deal with it together," Kelly said, reaching out and holding Josh's hand.  
"Yeah of course we will. Sorry if that came off as sorta insensitive or something, just let me know if I can do anything," Zack added.  
"Thanks,"

"You want me to hide Ben?"  
"Zack don't say hide, you're helping your mentally ill brother not playing a game." Kelly warned him.  
"It's Christmas Mom, lighten up, Joshie knew what I meant."  
"Zack,"  
"It's fine, honestly." Josh told them.

"Okay baby, do you want me to come with you in the car?"  
"Uh, I told him that I'd pick him up alone so I better stick to the plan," Josh told them, sighing again.

 

  
"Did, uh, did Mom make cinnamon pastries?" Tyler asked as they drove from Campbell back to the Joseph house.  
"Yeah, she made enough to feed a small army. If you'd like one then I'm sure they'll be enough left over,"  
"No no, it's fine. It's just a tradition from when I was little."

"Yeah I remember. Just so we're on the same page, what are you thinking about eating today?" Josh asked.  
"Uh, I'm uh, I don't think I, uh, I, I, dammit." Tyler stuttered.  
"It's okay. We'll talk about it later yeah?"

"Josh I don't feel so good."  
"It's okay sweetheart, just keep taking deep breaths and try to distract yourself if you can. I can put on some music if you want."  
"No, I mean I feel really lightheaded and dizzy,"  
"Right okay,"  
"I think I'm going to be sick,"  
"You need me to pull over?" Josh asked concerned.  
"Please," Tyler said quietly, and Josh pulled over on the side of the road when he next could.

"Do you need to get out?" Josh asked, and Tyler nodded.  
Josh let himself out first then walked round the car and opened the door for him.

Tyler hadn't taken more than a step before suddenly he fell to the ground. Josh tried to reach out and catch him but his reaction wasn't fast enough and Tyler collided with the snow. Josh quickly dropped to his knees and cradled Tyler's unconscious body.

He tried not to let himself panic, reminding himself that people fainted all the time and this was fine. With a shaky hand, he checked Tyler's pulse and breathing; each was weak but present.

"Tyler? Tyler can you hear me? Tyler?" He called out. "Babe? Babe wake up." But Tyler didn't wake.

With a fumbling hand, he reached into his pocket for his phone. For a moment he contemplated calling an ambulance, but instead he opted to call Kelly.

"Hi Josh, everything okay?" She said down the line, thankfully answering almost immediately.  
"Tyler collapsed,"  
"Are you driving?"  
"No, pulled over,"  
"Okay baby, I'm coming to help you, where are you?" She told him, and Josh could hear her moving to her car.  
"Uh, I don't-" he panicked, looking around for a street sign, "Central College road, near Wentworth crossing,"  
"Okay I know, you're only a few minutes away sweetie, I'll be there as quick as I can."  
"Thank you," Josh said, stroking Tyler's hair.  
"Stay on the line,"  
"I-"  
"Josh?" Tyler said groggily, waking up and trying to stand.  
"Kelly he's awake, I gotta go." Josh told her hanging up and throwing his phone to the floor.

"Tyler, Ty don't rush, stand up slowly."  
"Wh-what?" He said confused, looking around as Josh carefully helped him sit up.  
"You fainted sweetheart, don't move too quickly." Josh comforted as Tyler continued to look around confused. "Okay, I'm going to help you stand up off the snow. Lean on me, lean, that's it." He said whilst wrapping his arms around Tyler and slowly helping him to stand up.

"Why?"  
"Why did you faint?" Josh checked, and Tyler nodded slowly. "I don't know honey. Let's sit you back in the car, yeah, you're freezing."  
"Okay," Tyler said softly so Josh supported him round the waist and guided him to the passenger seat. Tyler sat down slowly, body facing out of the car, and Josh crouched on the snowy sidewalk.

"How do you feel?"  
"Bit funny," Tyler told him, pulling his hoodie sleeves anxiously.  
"Still feel sick?"  
"No, just uh, weak and um, weak yeah."  
"Okay babe, are you cold?"  
"Yeh," Tyler nodded.  
"Take my jacket," Josh told him, taking off his hoodie and wrapping it around Tyler's shoulders before he could protest.

"Have you had anything to drink today?"  
"A little bit,"  
"There's a bottle of water in the glovebox, I want you to drink as much as you can, okay?"  
"Okay," Tyler nodded.

Josh lent forwards and opened the compartment for him, then watched as Tyler found the bottle. He struggled with the cap for a moment before Josh unscrewed it for him then gave it back. Tyler began to drink it in small sips.

"When we get to your mom's house, I'm going to find you something safe to eat. I know it's hard, but you need it sweetheart, so try your best."  
"Okay,"  
"Your mom's driving to meet us, that's why we're waiting." Josh explained.  
"Okay." Tyler said, taking another sip of water. "Josh,"  
"Yeah?"  
"I love you."  
"I love you too," Josh smiled, pausing for a moment.

"Do you remember the first time you fainted in front of me?"  
"Biology,"  
"Yeah, dissecting that rat."  
"I was so bad," Tyler whispered.  
"Not as bad as me. No idea why I chose to do AP biology because I barely knew the difference between a rat and a camel. But hey, lucky I did because otherwise Mrs Piper couldn't have made us lab partners and then I never would have fallen in love with your adorable face."  
"Yeah," Tyler remembered.

"How's that water going?" Josh asked, and Tyler held up the half empty bottle for him to see. "Oh good job babe. Feeling any better for it?"  
"Bit," Tyler nodded, then shuddered.  
"You're cold,"  
"S'fine."  
"If your mom doesn't arrive soon then I'm going to drive you to the house sweetheart. I don't want you being uncomfortable or getting ill."  
"That's her," Tyler said, Josh's hoodie slipping from one of his shoulders as he pointed to a passing car.  
"Perfect timing," Josh smiled, leaning forwards and repositioning the jacket again to keep Tyler warm as the car pulled up behind them. 

"Tyler baby?" Kelly called out, walking towards them.  
"We're here." Josh replied and Kelly quickly came and crouched next to him.

"Tyler, Tyler be honest with Momma, have you taken anything you shouldn't have? Or taken too much of something. Momma's not angry, she just needs to know."  
"No," Tyler told her softly.  
"Good. Good boy Tyler." She replied, relief evident. 

"He's pretty cold Kelly, so I want to get him to the house."  
"Tyler, do you feel well enough to go home, or do you want me to take you to the emergency room?"  
"I'm fine, I just want to go home,"  
"Okay baby, but first let Mom check you're okay yeah? Do you have a headache?" Kelly asked, showing off her first aid from her days as a school basketball coach.

"Kinda," Tyler nodded.  
"Any numbness or tingling anywhere baby?"  
"No,"  
"Do you feel sick at all?"  
"Not anymore."  
"Can you see properly? Any spots or blurry bits?"  
"It's fine,"  
"And your chest feels okay?"  
"It's uh, it's just anxiety."  
"What is baby?"  
"My chest is uh, it's all tight, but it's normal."  
"Okay baby, but if it feels different or it gets worse then you tell Josh or you tell me. Same with any of it yeah?"  
"Yeah," Tyler said, playing with his sleeves.

"Are you okay Tyler?" Kelly asked sincerely.  
"Why did I faint Mom?"  
"I'm not sure baby, but these things happen all-"  
"Am I dying?"  
"No Ty, you're not. You might be dehydrated sweetie, or your blood sugar might be low if you haven't been eating properly. Also baby, some of your medicine is quite powerful and has potential side effects of fainting. And then sometimes people faint because they were hyperventilating or because they're really scared."  
"But Tyler, sweetheart, we can fix all of those. You just need to work with us and let us help you out a bit, alright?" Josh added.  
"Yeah," Tyler nodded.

"Are you still cold baby?" Kelly asked.  
"It's fine,"  
"We'll take you home and warm you up, yeah?" She said, and Tyler nodded. "Do you want to stay in Josh's car, or come sit with Momma?"  
"Josh,"  
"Okay baby, and if you feel faint again then I want you to p-"  
"Put my head between my knees, I know Mom."  
"Alright good baby. I'll see you in a minute," Kelly said, standing up.  
"Wait Mom," Tyler called out as she began to step back.  
"Yes baby?"  
"Merry Christmas," he smiled.

 

  
Thankfully Tyler didn't faint again on the journey home, and once they arrived Josh and Kelly walked with him slowly to the house.

Josh could tell that Tyler was uncomfortable with both of them touching him, but thankfully he let them help him.

Tyler's bedroom had been turned into a guest room where his grandparents were staying. Kelly told him they wouldn't mind if he went in there, but Tyler didn't want to so instead they went down to the basement.

The basement held a lot of memories for all of them, good and bad, but Josh still smiled as he entered.

"Okay Ty, so I'm going to head up now and I'll tell people not to come down. That means you can have this space all for yourself, and you can come here whenever you want or need." Kelly said a moment later.  
"Thank you,"  
"I'm going to serve lunch at about 1.30, so you've got just over an hour until then. Do you want to join us?"  
"Uh, I'll um, I'll try and sit yeah, but uh, I don't know if I, uh, don't think I'll be eating."  
"That's alright baby, just try your best. I'll make sure there's a seat for you."  
"Thank you,"  
"Do you need anything now?" Kelly asked.  
"No thanks,"  
"Okay sweetie. We'll all be upstairs if you want us, probably just start opening some presents soon. Oh and your medicine is in the kitchen cabinet when you need it."  
"Thanks Mom,"  
"Yeah thanks Kelly," Josh added, then Kelly left them alone in the basement.

"It's so weird being back down here," Tyler said, slowly wandering around the room.  
"Good weird or bad weird?" Josh asked, laying down on a couch and propping his feet up on one of the arms.  
"Both,"  
"Same for me too," Josh told him.

"Are the walls a different colour?"  
"Uh yeah, they used to be cream." Tyler said whilst running his fingers along the light blue walls. "I think I sorta messed them up when I was sick."  
"I think you did them a favour, I prefer blue,"  
"Should we paint the guest room the same colour?"  
"Yeah maybe, it does need redoing." Josh said as Tyler walked towards him. Tyler then put his hands on Josh's shoulders and sat him up; Tyler sat down on the couch and pulled Josh's head into his lap.

"Do you remember that song we wrote in here with Debs?" Tyler asked, resting his hand on Josh's chest.  
"Taco Bell saga?"  
"Yeah," Tyler grinned.  
"That was a good day," Josh remembered with a smile.

"Josh?" Tyler said a moment later.  
"Yeah sweetheart,"  
"I'm sorry things have been hard recently."  
"And I'm sorry too Ty," Josh said, then was pleasantly surprised as Tyler lent down and kissed him on the lips. "I love you,"  
"I love you more. Can we, uh, go up now?"

 

Tyler and Josh walked upstairs and soon heard everyone sat in the living room. They went in, Tyler leading, and subtlety sat down on a couch in the corner of the room. Josh sat up whereas Tyler laid down with his head against Josh's chest. He knew that everyone had seen them enter, but nobody made a big deal out of it and he was thankful.

They watched as everyone took it in turns giving out and opening various presents and laughing and smiling. As they worked their way through the pile under the tree, eventually they got to the gifts that Josh bought.

Tyler smiled as everyone opened the presents, and told Josh that he'd done a good job or that it was perfect.

Eventually Maddy picked up a thin present and read from the label that it was for Josh and Tyler. As she walked closer to them, Josh realised it was the present that Janet had given him in the office the other day.

"Joshie, it's for you," Maddy said, holding the wrapped gift out for him.  
"Cheers Mads,"  
"S'alright." She smiled, walking back to Will.

"Tyler babe, you remember Janet?"  
"From your work?"  
"Yeah that's the one. She gave me this the other day, it is for me but she said that it's also for you too."  
"Right,"  
"You alright for me to open it?"  
"Uh yeah, yeah." Tyler said, and Josh began to open the thin present.

Tyler was still laying on his chest so he was careful that none of the paper touched him, aware that he found it very upsetting the year before.

"Oh I know what it is!"  
"Yeah?"  
"Yeah, it's a book of Christmas carol piano sheet music." Tyler told him as Josh finally pulled the paper off and revealed the title to confirm Tyler's idea. "Aw that's so thoughtful."  
"That's so sweet of her. How did you know?"  
"I recognised the spine, it's the book I used to teach the kids with for the Christmas recital. But I always used the school copy, never had my own until now."  
"Aw, bet Jan didn't realise that when she bought it."  
"Tell her thank you from me?" Tyler said, taking the book from Josh's hands and flipping through the various pages.  
"Of course."  
"This is awesome," Tyler smiled to Josh's relief.  
"Proud of you," Josh whispered into Tyler's hair before pressing his lips to his head.

A moment later Kelly walked towards them with a smile on her face.  
"Tyler baby? Do you want to come with me a second?" She asked him, and he nodded then stood up and followed her out of the room. 

 

Whilst Tyler was gone, Maddy and Tatum stood up and bounced over to Josh. Maddy sat herself down where Tyler had been laid, and Tatum balanced on the couch arm on the other side of Josh.

"Merry merry Christmas Joshua," Tatum grinned, pulling him into a hug.  
"Merry Christmas Tatum," he smiled, "and Mads too of course." He added, turning and hugging Tyler's sister.

"You feeling alright?" Tatum asked, playing with Josh's hair.  
"Yeah," Josh answered honestly.  
"I love you you big idiot."  
"I love you too."  
"Ty looks really happy." Maddy told him.  
"I think he is." Josh nodded, "Speaking of the devil, there he is." He smiled as Kelly and Tyler walked back into the room.

Maddy and Tatum both stood up and went back to the other side of the room, and Tyler and Kelly sat on the couch. Tyler was carrying a gift in his hand, but Josh saw that he had pulled his hoodie sleeve down so none of his skin was touching the wrapping paper.

"Josh, Tyler has something to give you." Kelly said when Tyler didn't say anything.  
"I'll take it sweetie," Josh told him, knowing that it was upsetting him.

Tyler dropped the long thin present in Josh's lap then instantly raised his hands above his head and took a few deep breaths.

"Sorry," he breathed, eyes closed.  
"It's alright, tell me when you're ready." Josh comforted patiently.

Tyler took another minute to collect himself, then lowered his hands again and cuddled himself into Josh's side.  
"Ready," he said quietly.  
"Okay handsome. Firstly, thank you very much,"  
"It's okay." Tyler smiled, calming down.  
"You alright if I open it?"  
"Yeah, uh, just, I uh, I don't want to touch the um, the paper."  
"That's alright, I'll keep it away from you I promise." Josh said, hugging Tyler close against him.

"Ty, do you want to hug your Mom whilst Josh opens it?" Kelly offered.  
"I'm okay," Tyler told her, leaning off Josh so he could open the present but sitting up rather than leaning on her.

Josh repositioned himself slightly, then picked up the wrapped gift that Tyler had hurriedly dropped on his lap a moment ago. He began to unwrap the red patterned paper, cautious of where it went, and a few seconds later he smiled at the pair of drumsticks in his hand.

"Drumsticks? Tyler, this is amazing, thank you." Josh grinned, wiping the paper away and pulling Tyler back into a hug.  
"They were like $7, Mom picked them up yesterday, but um, I was thinking that when I get some more leave then we could go into town and pick out some drums for you. I remembered that you used to be really into them during high school, then with everything that happened you stopped playing, and when we bought the house we didn't take your kit with us. So yeah, I want to get you a new kit but I want you to pick it out so we get the right ones. I don't want to get too soppy because the last thing we need is some tears, but I know you were puffy yesterday. And I know stuff is crap right now, and you like to put on a brave face, but I saw the puffy and I want you to take it out on the drums again. With me being away, I know the house is quiet and empty and I know you hate that; so please, fill it with music again?"  
"Knew my Tyler was still in there." Josh smiled before pressing his lips hard against Tyler's.

 

Kelly must have left at some point during their make out session, but Josh's attention wasn't exactly on her. Once they eventually managed to pull themselves away from each other, they went back to watching the last couple of gifts being opened.

Josh received quite a few for which he was grateful, and Tyler didn't and he was also grateful.

Chris opened a box of chocolates and carried them round the room, and to Josh's delight Tyler picked and ate one. Chris finished handing them around, then walked back to them.

"Hi boys,"  
"Hey Dad,"  
"How you holding up Ty?" Chris asked, slowly sitting on the floor opposite their couch.  
"Do you want my seat?" Tyler offered.  
"No no, I'm not that old. And anyway, Mom told me about your little collapse earlier. You stay where you are son, but thank you,"  
"Alright if you're sure, and I'm really good." Tyler smiled.

"Glad to hear it. I take it you feel better after the faint?"  
"Yeah yeah," Tyler nodded. "Whatever it was, it's gone now."  
"Good. Did you give Josh his present yet?"  
"Yep," Josh answered, picking the drumsticks up from the edge of the couch and twirling one in the hand that wasn't wrapped around Tyler's shoulder.

"Awesome. Now, Ty, your Mom and I have a really small present for you. If you don't want it then we're not going to be offended or anything silly like that, and Mom put it in a little gift bag so there's no wrapping paper to touch. Do you want to have a crack at it?"  
"Dad you didn't have to,"  
"Of course I didn't, but it's in the kitchen. Feel alright if I go get Mom and bring it through?"  
"Uh yeah, yeah okay." Tyler nodded. Chris smiled, then got off the floor and headed out of the room and into the kitchen where Kelly was cooking.

Josh dropped the drumsticks back down again, and pulled Tyler even closer.  
"You okay?"  
"I think so,"  
"You've got this." Josh reassured him as Chris and Kelly walked back into the room.

Kelly held a tea towel in one hand and a small gift bag in the other.  
"Baby, Dad says you're feeling up to a gift?"  
"Yeah," Tyler nodded, and his mom cautiously held out the gift bag which Tyler then took. Tyler put it on his lap.

"Need me to do the tape?" Josh asked, referring to the single piece holding the top of the bag together.  
"Please," Tyler said with a nod, so Josh quickly pealed it off for him.

Tyler then put his hand into the bag and a moment later pulled out a small pot of black body paint.

"It's not as random as it seems, Chris explain it to him." Kelly expanded in reaction to Tyler's slight confusion.  
"Can I sit?" Chris asked, pointing to the couch arm next to Tyler.  
"Yeh," Tyler nodded whilst turning the pot over and over in his hands.

"Okay, so you remember we came over to your house for your birthday, and we had that little chat in your bedroom?"  
"Yeah,"  
"On the drive home I was thinking about the things you used to do when you were really little; I think I told you about how you used to line up all your cars into rows, and that sort of thing."  
"Yeah,"  
"Well as we were driving, I remembered that you didn't like touching some things and that one day when you were about 7 I caught you playing with paints with Zack. You had made a right mess, which wasn't like you at all, and in the process you had covered all your hands in paint. I was quite cross, and I told you to get something out of one of the drawers to help me clean up. Usually you didn't like touching the handles on the drawer, we obviously didn't know why at the time, but on this occasion you opened it without a problem. It happened quite a few times; you'd cover your hands in paint and let it dry, then you'd be fine to touch anything that usually you would have a tantrum over. I didn't connect the dots and I got angry and shouty, and I think I scared you into not doing it anymore because you stopped. But um, I know you still have things you can't touch, like wrapping paper and like the piano, so I thought that maybe you could try painting your hands again. It's been 20 years and I understand things have changed, I just thought it might be something you hadn't thought of trying yet."

"And it's safe?" Tyler asked.  
"Yeah your mom triple checked it before she bought it, it's skin friendly and non toxic and all the rest. Also it's water based, so if you need it off quickly then it will wash away."  
"Right, okay good. And um, thank you, thank you a lot." Tyler said, pulling his dad into a short hug.

"I'll um, I'll try it. I think it's probably best I do it back at the hospital, but I'll let you know how it goes." Tyler finished, then stood up and quickly hugged his mom too.  
"I really hope it helps a bit baby,"  
"So do I." Tyler smiled, sitting back down.

"I've got no recollection of doing that when I was little at all, but uh, it definitely sounds like an OCD thing so who knows, maybe this will work again."  
"That's the aim." Chris told his son. "And if it doesn't? Oh well. It's not going to do any harm. I reckon it's worth a shot."  
"Yeah, thanks guys,"  
"Not a problem baby. I ought to get back to cooking now, about 45 minutes until it's ready." Kelly smiled, then headed back to the kitchen.

"I'll help, but uh, well done Ty." Chris said smiling then followed after his wife.

 

They stayed cuddled on the couch, watching everyone else talking and trying out their new gifts. Josh wasn't sure, but he suspected that Tyler may have briefly drifted off to sleep.

When he had picked Tyler up from the ward that morning, the nurse on duty had said that Tyler didn't get any sleep during the night, so Josh was proud of how well he had been coping considering that and was happy he was getting some rest.

 

About half an hour after Tyler opened the present, Zack, Jay and Will walked towards them.  
"Hey," Zack began as Jay and Maddy's boyfriend stood back slightly.  
"Hey," Tyler said tiredly, rubbing his eye as he repositioned himself off Josh to face his brother.

"Will, Jay and I are going out front to shoot some hoops, wanna join us?"  
"Isn't it all snowed over?"  
"Bit of snow never stopped you." Zack smiled, "We shovelled it earlier this morning so it should be alright. And uh, Josh you can come too obviously."  
"Thanks but uh, I'll pass," Tyler said quietly.  
"Alright," Zack replied before walking away with the other two. 

"Wait Zack."  
"Yeah?"  
"About the other day,"  
"Don't worry about it, it's fine." Zack dismissed him.  
"I just wanted to say that um, well firstly thank you for visiting me, and that I'm sorry I was all over the place. Also I wanna apologise for how the basketball ended. I meant what I said, I miss and love you. And your little one, Ben, he's stunning. I wasn't in a good place when I met him for the first time, but I'm hoping that it won't be long until things improve for me. So yeah, I'm sorry if I scared the kid, and for how I was at the end of the game and at the hospital the other day."  
"Honestly Ty, don't worry about it. Whenever you wanna meet Ben properly, give me a shout. And thanks for coming today, means a lot to everyone." Zack smiled, looking around the room briefly.  
"Thanks Zack; and Jay," Tyler replied, calling out to his other brother.

"Hi," Jay said.  
"You played good the other day,"  
"Thank you,"  
"And I'm sorry I had to leave early,"  
"Not a problem."  
"But thank you for the invite and I'd like to come again soon, if I'm welcome that is of course." Tyler smiled as Josh watched with pride.  
"Really?" Jay checked in slight disbelief.  
"Yes absolutely. That alright?"  
"Yeah that'll be awesome." Jay grinned, running his hand through his hair.  
"Go on go get some practice in, but I'll talk to you later." Tyler told him, and the three men walked out of the room.

 

 

15 minutes later Kelly called everyone through for Christmas lunch. She had yet again filled the entire table with dozens of dishes filled with every colour food Josh could imagine.

Josh entered the room holding Tyler's hand, and they quickly sat themselves down in two chairs closest to the door.

He could tell that Tyler was getting a little anxious over the meal and being in a room with so many people, but he was fairly confident that he was coping with it. Kelly was still running around getting extra cutlery for people but she saved the seat next to Tyler for herself.

As everyone settled down, she subtlety brought over Tyler's medication and set it down in front of him.  
"Josh," Tyler whispered.  
"Yeah?"  
"Can you split them for me?" Tyler asked, passing across the two pills.  
"Yeah of course." Josh nodded and picked up his spoon to break them with so that there were four pieces.

"And can you get my PRN please?"  
"Yep." Josh said, finishing the second pill and putting them in front of Tyler then walking to the kitchen.

It only took him a moment to find where Kelly had stored his meds, then popped out four pills and carried them back to the dining room.  
"Thanks,"

"It's a wonder you don't rattle when you walk with all those pills inside you." Tyler's grandad commented across the table.  
"Popop." Zack warned protectively.  
"It's okay it's okay, I'm an old man, I'm exactly the same." Popop dismissed him as he pulled a small pill organiser out of his pocket and poured a few into his shaking hand.

Josh wasn't sure how to react because he knew Tyler didn't like a fuss.

"Cheers," Tyler said lightheartedly, picking up his water and his holding it out in front of him. His Grandad smiled then did the same and clinked glasses.  
"Cheers." Popop replied, then they both swallowed down their pills.  
"Who wants to take grace?" Kelly asked.

 

  
The meal went fairly well, Tyler was quiet and didn't eat anything but he managed to stay sat at the table throughout.

A few people tried to engage him in the conversation and initially he responded but as the lunch dragged on and he became more and more tired, Josh and Kelly began to answer for him.

It wasn't until the main course was cleared away and the desserts were carried through that suddenly Tyler stood up and walked out.

Josh gave him a few minutes to calm down by himself, but when he didn't come back, he excused himself and went to find him.

The first place Josh checked was the basement, then the various bathrooms, then the living room and Tyler's old bedroom, but eventually he saw from the window that Tyler was outside on the small basketball court the family had.

Josh quickly made his way out into the cold.  
"Ty?"  
"I'm good," Tyler called out, scoring from the three-point line.  
"Yeah?"  
"The uh, the pumpkin pie was on fire." Tyler explained his hallucination as he jogged across the court to get the ball.

"Your shot." He said, passing it to Josh.  
"Trying to humiliate me?" Josh smiled as he threw and missed.  
"Don't worry, I gotta do another sixteen now anyway." Tyler told him, getting the ball back and scoring again.  
"Alright babe," Josh said, walking over to the bench at the side and wiping off the pile of snow before sitting down.

"You're doing really well sweetheart."  
"Thank you,"  
"Did you have anything to eat?"  
"Nah,"  
"There's tons left over, I'll make you a plate up later."  
"Nah it's fine." Tyler dismissed him as he scored his fourth consecutive shot.

"You gotta have something."  
"And I will, when I'm back at the hospital."  
"Ty, you already passed out once today." Josh reminded him as he continued to shoot.  
"It wasn't related,"  
"Perhaps not, but still babe. It's cold out here, and I don't want you doing too much exercise on an empty stomach. Finish your sixteen and then we'll head back in."  
"Nah, I'm just gonna keep playing until I feel like Tyler again."  
"Ty sweetheart, play for a bit by all means but I don't wanna spend all afternoon out here. We can head down to the basement till you feel better. How does that sound?"  
"You can, I'm good out here." Tyler dismissed him, continuing to throw basket after basket.  
"Couple more minutes. And at least take my jacket."  
"I'm fine, you keep it."  
"Zip yours up then please." Josh told him, and thankfully he obeyed.

"Sorry. Honestly Josh, I'm okay. I'm having a nice time,"  
"Good, so am I. My shot?" Josh said, standing up again and waiting as Tyler threw him the ball.

"Nice," Tyler smiled as Josh finally scored.  
"Not all of us have basketball coaches for parents."  
"Babe I wasn't being patronising,"  
"I know I know," Josh laughed.  
"Okay good. And uh-" Tyler began but then stopped.

Josh turned around and saw that Zack was walking out of the house and towards them.  
"Hey," Josh called out to him.  
"Hiya, I was just checking on Ben and yeah, saw you guys out here. You okay?" Zack said.  
"Yeah yeah, just needed a minute." Tyler told him.

"Doing your 500?"  
"Nah, 4 is more my number now."  
"4's a bit quicker than 500, could've done with that a few years back."  
"Might have actually had some dinner that way," Tyler smiled.  
"It was alright for me though, meant I usually got an extra portion."  
"You know me, happy to help." Tyler grinned, passing the ball to Zack who scored immediately.

"Still finding time to play since Ben was born?"  
"A bit, but not as much. Maddy, Will and Jay come round to play after Church on Sunday but Maddy gets sucked into baby talk with Tatum and I take any opportunity I can to nap."  
"Same, I love a good nap." Tyler smiled.

"They're the best. How about you? Play much?" Zack asked, spinning the ball on his finger.  
"Nah, the hospital doesn't have a court."  
"Shame. You'll just have to hurry up and get better so that you can come home and back me up against Jay because he's getting annoyingly good."  
"If that's not my main motivation then my priorities are all wrong." Tyler grinned, knocking the ball off Zack's finger and dunking it.  
"Pretty much. Nah you're doing great Ty," Zack smiled.  
"Thank you."  
"Right I'm freezing my ass off so I'm gonna head back in,"  
"You wanna go back too babe?" Josh asked.  
"Uh yeah, yeah okay."

 

They went back inside and Zack went into the dining room but Josh and Tyler opted for the living room again.

The couple sat down on the couch and Josh cuddled them both under a blanket to warm them up. After about 10 minutes, Chris walked in.

"Hi boys,"  
"Hi," Josh said softly.  
"Oh sorry, is Ty asleep?" Chris asked about his son who was laying quietly against Josh's chest.  
"Just resting," Tyler murmured without looking up.

"Oh okay son. Well you carry on resting, I just came in to see whether you two would like me to light the fire for you? Zack mentioned you guys had been outside so I thought it might be nice."  
"Josh are you okay with that?" Tyler asked, knowing that he sometimes didn't like Tyler having something potentially dangerous close by.  
"I'm alright if you're alright sweetheart."  
"Yes please then Dad." Tyler said.  
"One log fire coming up."

 

20 minutes later and slowly people started to move in from the other room. Everyone was flopping after filling their stomachs, and most chose to lay on couches and groan.

Maddy instead chose to sit on the floor at a low coffee table near Tyler and Josh and the burning fire. She got out a gift of nail varnishes she received and a minute later Tatum joined her to get her nails painted.

The girls eventually finished painting each other's and continued to sit talking and blowing them dry.

"Maddy," Tyler said softly, his cheek still against Josh's chest.  
"Yeah?"  
"Can you do mine?"  
"Paint your nails?" She asked with a smile.  
"If you don't mind."  
"Of course I will, can you come down here? I could try up there if you prefer but Mom would kill me if I got polish on the cushions."  
"Yeah," Tyler nodded.

Josh sat up off the back of the couch and therefore sat Tyler up too. Tyler shuffled off the edge and onto the carpeted floor, and Josh let him take the blanket. Josh moved across the couch slightly so that he was sat directly behind his husband, who put both his hands on the table opposite Maddy.

"What colour do you like best?" She asked, pushing a dozen bottles towards him.

Tyler picked each up one by one and slowly looked at it, then carefully placed it back down. He arranged them in a line by colour, trying to make sure each colour was closely linked to the next. Josh watched as he kept swapping two back and fourth and back and fourth, not sure of which way was right. As he seemed to be getting more and more distressed over the polishes, Josh finally intervened.

"Ty sweetheart, do you still want Maddy to paint your nails?" Josh asked, placing his hand on Tyler's shoulder.  
"Uh yeah, yeah sorry."  
"Okay, and once you choose a colour then Maddy can put the rest away so you don't have to look at them anymore."  
"Yeah I can totally move them if they're annoying you." Maddy agreed.  
"Thanks, uh sorry, can I have this one?" Tyler said, calming down a bit and holding out an emerald green polish.  
"Yep." Maddy smiled, putting it to the side and pushing the rest back into her bag.

"Can you roll your sleeves up please? Don't want them getting any polish on them."  
"Yeah I will, but um, just so you know, my arms are kinda a mess at the moment and I haven't bound them up. Are you alright for me to show them?" Tyler told her, knowing that his scars affected her more than anyone else.

Often when they used to meet up and Tyler knew his arms would be on show, he had chosen to wear tubular bandages so she wouldn't have to get upset, but he hadn't that day.

"I'm okay." She nodded, so Tyler rolled them up to reveal his scarred arms. Whilst his right was a little aggravated by shallow nailmarks, it was his left that caught Maddy's attention.

The scars were deeper anyway, but it was also scattered with fresh cuts. Tyler had managed to find a piece of broken glass in the hospital canteen and had badly self harmed after he bust Josh's lip open; the hospital stitched up most of the wounds and put him on constant supervision again, but the evidence still remained. 

"Sorry," he said shyly, noticing her stares.  
"No I'm sorry," she apologised quietly, but didn't look away.  
"Mads," Tatum prompted from the other side of the table. "Maddy, paint Ty's nails for him."  
"Sorry Tyler," Maddy repeated, shaking her head slightly then smiling again and grabbing the emerald nail varnish. 

"It's okay, I get it,"  
"Thank you. Okay I'll get started, left hand please."

"Did you, uh, get that place at the beauty school?" Tyler asked as Maddy got to work.  
"Yeah I did," Maddy answered, already half way done with that hand.  
"How is it?"  
"It was great thanks, I actually graduated in August."  
"Oh, sorry, I didn't know."  
"That's okay," Maddy smiled. "Turn for your thumb."  
"So what's next?"  
"I've got a job at Salon on Main as a nail technician, so I'm gonna see where that leads me."

"And Ty, we get a family discount. If you like the emerald then we should totally hit the salon together for manicures every week." Tatum joked.  
"Good by me." Maddy added, moving to Tyler's second hand.

"It'd be awesome to start seeing you more. And I bet everyone has said that to you today, but if you feel up to it then I really wanna start being a proper sister again." She smiled, concentrating on the nail.  
"In or out of the hospital?" Tyler asked.  
"Anywhere,"  
"Come see me at Campbell anytime."  
"Aw I definitely will."  
"Call me first though Mads, just to check." Josh added.  
"She's fine," Tyler told him.  
"He's just a caring protective husband." Maddy defended Josh as she finished the last nail. "All done."

"Does it suit me babe?" Tyler turned around to ask Josh, holding his hands up and pouting adorably.  
"Very much so," Josh smiled, then lent in and kissed Tyler.  
"Get yours done too."  
"As good as that sounds, we've gotta go babe."  
"What, already? What time is it?" Tyler asked.  
"It's 4 honey, and you gotta be back by 4.30. 20 minutes drive at least, so we need to start saying goodbyes."

 

Josh was right to leave 10 minutes to say goodbye, because every single person came and hugged Tyler before they got in the car. He  watched very proudly as his husband let so many people touch him, and thanked them for the messages that each gave, and made promises to see each soon.

It was clear how much Tyler's presence and good health had meant to everyone, and Josh saw both Maddy and Kelly wiping away tears.

Eventually Josh had to play bad cop and tear Tyler away so that they would make it to Campbell on time.

In the car on the way Tyler lent against the window and soon fell asleep, holding the pot of body paint between his emerald tipped fingers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas? In September?
> 
> I actually wrote this chapter on Valentine's Day, which shows how long it took me to build up the confidence to actually post these little scribbles I composed in the notes app of my phone :)
> 
> It may have taken a while, but I'm so glad that I chose to post this, I've had such an overwhelming response! Honestly, your comments keep me going so so much and I can't thank you all enough xx


	28. Chapter 28

The day after Christmas Tyler was still on a high. Josh slept over at the Joseph's house again, but went to see him straight after breakfast.

They sat in one of the open areas with Ella and Harriet and played scrabble whilst talking. Ella's Christmas hadn't gone quite as well as Tyler's, but he did a good job of both comforting her and making her smile.

After an hour or so, Ryan came in.  
"Good morning all."   
"Heya," Tyler greeted him.  
"Managed to sneak a visitor in without checking for my permission I see," he said, gesturing to Josh.  
"Well to be fair you weren't here so it was pretty easy." Tyler replied with a grin.  
"Yeah, today's my later shift. But don't worry Josh, you know you're always welcome."  
"Thank you." Josh smiled.

"Right Ty, we need to go do the evaluation review for your leave yesterday."  
"Okay,"  
"But first since you're friends of his, I've got some news about Mo, Ella this is for you too."   
"Is he okay?" She asked, a little panicked.

Ryan walked further into the room then sat down on one of the soft armchairs, leaning forwards.  
"I'm guessing you guys probably noticed that he's not on the ward today,"   
"Oh God no no no," Ella interrupted.  
"Ella calm down, he's alive." Harriet told her.

"He's over at the General in intensive care. Yesterday there was an incident on the ward and unfortunately he'd been hiding his medication rather than taking it and yesterday he overdosed on them. The hospital have reassured me that he will make a full recovery, but once he's well enough to be discharged his family have decided to move him from Campbell to another psychiatric unit. They're exploring a couple of options, but it's looking likely that it will be a high security intensive care unit called Cygnet. Now I know Tyler you have some experience of Cygnet so you'll know that they'll take very good care of him and he'll be safe to start recovering again. In response to what's happened, you're going to get your rooms searched."

"Oh my God Mo." Ella exclaimed, beginning to cry.  
"Ella he's going to be okay," Harriet tried to comfort her.  
"He's in intensive care, he's not okay." She sobbed. "And you're not searching my room."  
"We're searching the entire ward, it's not just you two." Ryan explained.  
"No. No way."

"Ella if you have anything, you too Tyler, that you're not supposed to then we're having an amnesty this morning. There's a sealed bin being put outside the staff room to put any razor blades, sharpeners, pills, lighters, plastic bags, glass, string or rope, safety pins, staples, wires or any other sharps. If you give them in then you won't be punished, but if we find anything still hidden in your room then that will influence how much leave and free time you will get in the future. Also you'll get searched more regularly than those who follow the rules."  
"This is ridiculous." Ella snapped, then walked out.  
"Harry do you mind going after her? I've got Ty." Ryan said, and Harriet followed her.

"You okay?" Josh checked, pulling his husband into a hug.  
"I think so, I mean he never even spoke." Tyler answered softly.  
"He was just going through a lot sweetheart, but he'll recover physically and then he'll start to recover mentally as well. Cygnet sounds right for him."  
"It's horrid there."  
"I know you don't like it babe, but it is stricter and if he's been skipping meds and stock piling them then it's for the best."  
"Yeah," Tyler murmured. "How long was I there?"  
"Just over 14 months,"  
"But let's not get caught up on Cygnet and Mo Tyler, you're doing awesome, don't dwell on the hard stuff unnecessarily because it will only drag you down for no gain." Ryan added.

"Have you got anything for the amnesty before we head through to a meeting room for leave review?"  
"Uh yeah, I've uh, I've got a razor blade." Tyler admitted, moving out of Josh's embrace but holding his hand.  
"Alright good lad for owning up, let's go get it."  
"Do you mind going? I just, uh, I don't really want to, ya know, see it."  
"Yeah that's fine as long as you stay with Josh, where is it?"  
"There's a crack in the skirting board behind the chest of drawers."  
"Okay, is there anything else?"  
"No, uh, yeah no."  
"Alright, give me a minute then and I'll meet you back here." Ryan said, then walked out to retrieve the blade.

"Are you mad?" Tyler asked quietly.  
"Mad? Why would I be mad?" Josh replied, squeezing his hand.  
"About the blade,"  
"No not at all, and you did the right thing telling him so well done." Josh told him, and Tyler smiled sadly.

"Ty, can I ask where you got it from?"  
"Ah you know," Tyler replied passively, scratching the back of his head.  
"You don't have to say babe, but if you know that somebody else has a supply then you'd be doing them a favour by telling the staff."   
"Amy." Tyler eventually said.  
"Amy?"  
"She's the room next to me. Yeah she uh, she managed to sneak a pack in. I gave her my bread roll at dinner, just in a friendly way because she was still hungry, and then later she gave the blade to me. I didn't ask, I promise I didn't ask, but she put it in my hand and I couldn't throw it away. I'm sorry Josh," Tyler told him, and Josh pulled him into a hug again.

"But Josh,"  
"Yeh?"  
"I didn't use it."  
"Proud of you Ty." Josh told him sincerely, pulling him in and gently kissing him on the lips.

Josh pulled away after a moment, not wanting to overwhelm Tyler, but Tyler put his hand on Josh's neck and kissed him again.

"Honestly you two, I leave you for 30 seconds." Ryan laughed as he walked back in and caught them mid kiss. 

"Can you blame me? With this guy for a husband?" Tyler grinned.  
"You are a total fittie Josh." Ryan nodded.  
"Two guys fighting over me, could get used to this." Josh teased, leaning back with his hands behind his head.  
"Wonder what my girlfriend would have to say about this,"  
"Wonder what Josh's husband would have to say about this." Tyler smiled, then stole another kiss from him.

"Haha, well if you two can tear yourselves apart for a minute then Tyler we need to do this review mate." Ryan told them. "Josh, shouldn't take more than 10 minutes."  
"Alright, have fun," Josh smiled.  
"Oh actually, do you mind waiting in my office? Can't have unsupervised visitors stomping round the place causing trouble,"

 

 

As Josh sat in Ryan's office, he knew something was up. They'd been using Campbell for literally years, and never once had he been told that he couldn't sit in the common area without Tyler.

He sighed and continued playing with the arm of the chair he was sat in, trying to work out what this could be about.

"Josh?" A middle aged woman asked, sticking her head through the door.  
"Yes that's me." He told her and she walked in with a smile, carrying a thick wad of paper and setting it down on the desk then sitting in Ryan's chair.

"Hi, I'm Laura." She introduced herself whilst extending out a hand that Josh shook. "I work for the ward and I do a couple of different things here and there. I've actually done a few activities with your husband, Tyler?"  
"Yeah Tyler,"  
"I've worked with him occasionally, but my main role here at Campbell is working with families and ensuring that relatives who are also carers are getting the support they need."  
"Right,"

"Now I've heard consistently from his team that you take amazing care of Tyler, but you should also know that there have been some concerns raised over the past couple of days about how you are coping."  
"Okay,"  
"Do you know what those concerns might be specifically? Or why they've surfaced now?"  
"I just had an off day, honestly I don't need this, thank you though." Josh tried to explain.

"Well there's no shame in having an off day, but it's most likely down to a lot of stress and worry that's been building up for a long time. And that's completely normal, I can guarantee that if you speak to any other carers of Tyler's fellow patients then they'll be going through the same thing. Hopefully I'll be able to help you out a bit, just like I do with most of them too."  
"Yeah of course I understand some people needing a support network themselves, but honestly I'm alright."  
"Is there any harm in just talking to me for 10 or so minutes and taking a couple of booklets?"  
"No, I suppose not." Josh eventually caved, not wanting to turn it into a big deal.

"But um, can we make sure Tyler doesn't know about this please?"  
"If you'd prefer it that way then of course,"  
"Yeah, I don't want him to worry."  
"Does he worry about you a lot?"  
"He worries about everything," Josh told her, relaxing into the chair.

"How long have you two been together?"  
"Almost 10 years now,"   
"Oh wow, high school sweethearts?"  
"Something like that." Josh smiled.  
"Has he been unwell since the start of the relationship?"  
"He had depression and bad anxiety when I met him, and he had one hallucination a couple of months later, but he didn't go into a full blown psychosis until something pretty traumatic happened to us about 2 years after we met."  
"Debby, right?" Laura said.  
"Yeah,"  
"Sorry, I quickly skimmed his notes before I came in."  
"No that's okay,"

"Debby was a friend of yours too, wasn't she,"  
"Yeah, my best friend."   
"After her death, did you receive any sort of therapy?"  
"No, I uh, I took some time away over in Indonesia before staying in LA then coming back here to Columbus. I know it was probably a rash reaction, but in the end it helped."  
"Not rash at all, you gotta cope with grief however you can. So have you ever had any therapy?" Laura asked, and Josh was thankful that she wasn't digging too far into his year away.

"My family put me through conversion therapy, but I don't think that counts."  
"No it most certainly doesn't, and I'm sorry they did that."  
"It didn't exactly work," Josh smiled, making light of a really crappy time for him.

"So is it just you and Tyler at home?"  
"Yes,"  
"And I'm guessing you're not close with your own parents, but how's the support from Tyler's parents?"  
"They care very much and do their best, but he's only recently started talking to them again."  
"Why did he stop?" Laura asked.  
"When he was in hospital earlier this year he decided he didn't want any visitors except me-"  
"Why?"  
"Intrusive thoughts, I don't remember specifically."  
"Right, sorry, continue."  
"Yeah so I was his only visitor and then once he eventually got discharged it turned into this big deal to see them. They visited a few days after he came home but he had a massive panic attack as soon as they arrived so they didn't even get a chance to talk to him. That was back in June, then the next time they visited was December 1st."

"So it's just been you caring for him for the past 6 months?" Laura asked.  
"Well he's been going to the outpatient clinic,"  
"But at home?"  
"Yeah,"  
"Do you consider yourself Tyler's carer?"  
"No, I'm his husband."  
"Do you care for him?"  
"Of course, but he takes care of me too." Josh told her.  
"Yeah?"  
"Yes." Josh nodded firmly.  
"Miss him?"  
"Naturally,"  
"Are you lonely without him?"  
"A little, but I've been visiting him everyday."

"Yes I heard. Can I ask a difficult question?"  
"Go for it."  
"Do you prefer him being unwell and home, or in hospital?"  
"Honestly? Home."  
"Why?"  
"Don't get me wrong, I trust all the staff here entirely. I think you do a great job. But no matter how much you work with him, I'm always going to understand him better. Especially when it comes to his OCD. Just the little things, I know what's gonna upset him and what helps him feel better. If we're at home then I can do everything possible to help without him needing to ask or get upset."  
"Yeah,"

"If I didn't have to work then I think I would discharge him."  
"Really? That's interesting." Laura said.  
"Yeah. Obviously he needs treatment so I'd still take him to the day clinic, but I know he hates being away from home and being away from me. I think we'd both feel more comfortable if we were together at night."  
"What about his panic attacks and hallucinations though?"  
"He's terrified, absolutely terrified during them, and I like to think I make him feel safe."  
"But what about you? Must be frightening for you too." Laura asked, but before Josh could answer there was a knock at the door and Ryan entered.

"Sorry to interrupt, but I'm done with Tyler. You guys had a chance to talk?" Ryan asked, sitting on the corner of the desk.  
"We only just got started actually."  
"Could we finish this another day Laura? Just I wanna go see Ty."  
"Um, yeah, yeah that's okay, but take these and read them tonight?" Laura said, picking up the wad of leaflets.

She held them out and Ryan took them off her, then read out the name of each whilst passing them across to Josh one after another.  
"Living with somebody with OCD, living with somebody with depression, living with somebody with psychosis, living with somebody with schizoaffective disorder-"  
"I know his psychosis is a result of his schizoaffective disorder, but the psychosis booklet is a bit better for the psychotic symptoms because it's got more detail so I thought I'd give you both." Laura explained.

"Living with somebody suffering from anxiety and panic attacks, and last but not least, advice and support for mental health carers. Wow, that's gonna be fun for you tonight Joshie." Ryan grinned.  
"Thank you Laura." Josh told her, before grinning at Ryan and shaking his head.

"Oh and take this as well," she said, flicking through her remaining papers.  
"Gee! There's more Josh! Aren't you excited?!" Ryan teased sarcastically.  
"Shush Ryan, Josh it's my business card, call anytime."

 

  
"Oh there you are," Tyler smiled as Josh walked into his room. After leaving Ryan's office he quickly ran and stashed the leaflets in his car before going to find Tyler again.  
"Miss me?"  
"Always," Tyler nodded, then kissed Josh as he sat next to him.

"I was just on the phone, but you got me all to yourself now."  
"Who were you on the phone to?" Tyler asked, picking up Josh's hand and playing with it.  
"Ah just Andrew from work, how was your leave evaluation?"

"Ryan told me off for not telling anyone here that I fainted, but when I told him everything else I did he was super proud and happy. And I told him about Amy's blades and he's gonna sort it. He said that he wants me to try some home leave at some point this week, and he's set me a target of having one visitor every week who isn't you or my parents."  
"Sorry he got mad sweetheart, I should have mentioned it to someone."  
"It's okay." Tyler smiled, tracing the lines on Josh's palm with his finger.  
"But well done babe, I'm proud of you too."  
"Thanks."

"You gonna try some leave and some new visitors?"  
"Yeah definitely." Tyler nodded. "Loads of people wanted to see me yesterday, so I might see if anyone actually meant it." He smiled.  
"They all did you lemon. If you want me to invite anyone then let me know, and if you're gonna come back to the house for a bit then tell me when because I've got to go back to work."  
"When?"  
"Monday, so we've still got tomorrow together."  
"Don't go back," Tyler said cutely.

"The case goes to court in a week, I've got to go babe."  
"No, stay with me."  
"I wish," Josh smiled.   
"Please Josh, stay with me." Tyler said, starting to sound genuinely upset.  
"Ty,"  
"Don't leave me,"  
"Babe don't get upset, I'm not leaving you. All I'm saying is that I have to go into the office on Monday, okay? Just like normal." Josh said calmly as Tyler worked himself up.  
"Stay with me." Tyler almost begged, so Josh wrapped an arm around his shoulder. Tyler repositioned himself and put his head against Josh's chest.

"Tyler I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."  
"Josh," Tyler choked, beginning to cry. Josh wasn't sure what was upsetting him exactly but he knew there was no real advantage to asking, and instead tried to soothe him.  
"I'm here sweetheart, you're okay, I'm okay, we're okay. Hear my heartbeat? Focus on that."

 

  
"Josh?" Tyler murmured quietly. They were both laying down on Tyler's bed on their backs after Tyler had finally stopped crying, and Josh let him rest his head on his arm.  
"Yes sweetheart?"  
"What happens now?" He said slowly.  
"What do you mean?"  
"I don't know what happens next."  
"I'm sorry babe, I don't understand." Josh said honestly.

"In my head I've been thinking about Christmas, been building towards it as a goal or motivation or whatever. But now it's over, and I've got nothing. What am I supposed to work for?"  
"Well there's New Years Eve in just under a week, do you want to try and get some time off to celebrate at home?"  
"No, it's a party, I don't like parties."  
"That's okay babe. Uh, it's your mom's birthday on-"

"How long's left of my Section?"  
"Quite a while honey,"  
"How long?"  
"5 and a half months." Josh told him, and he instantly began to cry.

"Hey hey mister, no crying, you're alright, you're okay,"  
"I'm not," Tyler sobbed.  
"Okay you're not just yet, but you're doing such a good job and I promise it won't be long until you are okay."  
"I miss you,"  
"I'm right here babe," Josh told him, pulling him closer.

"But you're not always here. You're not here to tell me it's okay to talk to Ruby, and to test the pen I'm using works because I won't notice if it doesn't, and to fold the corner of my blanket so I can get in bed. I know I'm ill but please Josh, please take me home."  
"Sweetheart you need to be in hospital at the moment." Josh told him.  
"Please,"  
"You'll come home soon, just not yet. But Ty sweetheart, keep working hard and it won't be long I promise. And if you need somebody to help you with Ruby or with pens or blankets then I can arrange it."  
"I want you,"  
"Tyler babe, we'll sort it with Ryan I promise."

"No, no, no because you're going back to work so you're going away in the day again and then you're going to court again and that means you won't have time for me again."  
"I'll always have time for you."  
"You're going to stop coming once the trial starts."  
"No I won't Ty." Josh stated.

"Why would you think that?"  
"You never spend anytime with me when you have court, you're away from 6 in the morning till 10 at night and you work weekends and you're always stressed or on the phone and you're not going to have time for your mentally ill hospitalised husband." Tyler panicked.

"Tyler, Tyler listen to me, you will always be my first priority, always."  
"Not true," Tyler cried, shaking his head and sitting up.  
"Yes true. I've been working this case for 8 months but I would drop it instantly, I would walk away and I would quit my job if it starts to take over from you. I mean that Tyler. If they try to call me in at the weekend or late in the evening then I'll quit. Nothing comes before you."


	29. Chapter 29

Josh decided not to go to church on Sunday morning, and instead went to see Tyler. Despite the promises he made last night, he knew that the upcoming court case would make it difficult to spend as much time as he'd like with his husband.

He just hoped that Tyler would continue to be brave and see other members of the family whilst he had to work. 

Josh hated that work was impacting his relationship and Tyler's mental health, but he had to keep reminding himself that they needed the money.

Law was something he was usually very passionate about, he had wanted to be a lawyer for as long as he could remember.

When he had come back from Indonesia and Tyler was admitted to Cygnet for his 14 month admission, getting accepted into law school and throwing himself into his studies was what got Josh through it all.

But now that Tyler was in hospital for a fourth time, Josh dreaded going to the office and leaving him alone.

 

  
Josh arrived at the ward at 9am and signed in as usual. He smiled as he saw his name directly above the row he was writing in; he was almost always the last visitor to leave the hospital each evening. 

"Sue, are they at breakfast?" Josh asked the receptionist as he put the pen down.  
"Yeah, but you'll need specific permission from Tyler's keyworker if you want to go in the dining room." The elderly woman told him.  
"I know the rules." Josh grinned. "Ryan in his office?"  
"I believe so,"

 

"Jishwa, good morning." Ryan greeted him as he entered his office.  
"Tyler tell you to call me that?!"  
"Nope, oooh did I discover a secret kinky nickname?"  
"Oh totally, because the first thing you think of when I say 'Tyler' is kinky. He's suchhh a sexual beast." Josh said sarcastically.  
"Gross, keep it to yourself mate." Ryan teased.

"What can I do for you?"  
"Just need permission to go in the dining room please."  
"Tyler's still asleep."  
"Really?"  
"I checked about 15 minutes ago and he was yep."  
"Does that mean he was up during the night?" Josh asked.  
"Night staff said he was good," Ryan said, rotating casually in his spinning chair.  
"Yes finally!" Josh cheered. "Jees you have no idea how long I've waited for him to have a good night's sleep."  
"I can imagine. Although I'm gonna have to be the bad guy and wake him up soon."

"How come?"  
"We usually do meds at 7.30 and you have to take them at the same time everyday, so if we let him sleep too long then he's gonna feel really rough later."  
"Want me to go wake him now then?"  
"I was gonna give him another 10 minutes, but you go be a bully and do it now if you're feeling really mean."  
"I'll be gentle." Josh smiled, walking towards the door again.  
"Alright buddy, I'll be through in 2 to give him his meds."

 

As Josh opened Tyler's door, he expected to find him sleeping in his bed. Once he saw the empty mattress, panic immediately filled him.

He looked around the room, before finally seeing Tyler crouched on the floor in the gap behind the door before the wall.

"Oh Tyler, there you are! Scared me Sleepyhead." Josh smiled as he shut the door so Tyler wasn't blocked off, and sat down next to him.

"Ryan told me you were asleep. Well done babe, 9 hours sleep, I'm beyond proud." Josh told him, but Tyler was yet to acknowledge he was even there. Instead Tyler looked around the room with wide dazed eyes and slowly chewed the emerald green nails on his right hand.

Once Josh stopped talking, he could hear that Tyler was breathing very shallowly.

"Tyler sweetheart, are you okay?"  
"Smyfault," Tyler whispered, staring across the room.  
"What is Tyler? What's your fault?"  
"The war," he told Josh in a hushed but terrified voice.  
"We're not at war Sweetheart, don't worry you're safe." Josh said calmly and slowly.  
"All those people, those children, they burned because of me."  
"Nobody's hurt handsome, everything's okay. You've done nothing wrong, and what your head is telling you about the war isn't true."

"Jack call the police," Tyler called out to a hallucination.  
"Jack, there's no need. We don't need the police, everything is safe." Josh said cautiously, wishing Ryan would hurry up and come in.

"Jack do it, they need to know what I did!" Tyler suddenly screamed. "I need to be punished! I need to be held accountable for what I did!"  
"Tyler you didn't do anything, there's no war."  
"And the tornadoes," Tyler whispered again.

"Tyler listen to me, you're oka-"  
"Shut up Ruby!! My head hurts and I can't take your crying any longer!" Tyler yelled ferociously.  
"Babe, deep br-"  
"No, no stay back!" Tyler cried out terrified, staring straight ahead and suddenly scrabbling at the floor with his feet as he tried to push himself further and further into the wall.  
"Please, no, please, PLEASE!"

"Tyler can I touch you?"

"Please no! Please your horns, they're hurting me, please," Tyler began to sob, squirming uncomfortably whilst ignoring Josh entirely.

Suddenly the door opened.  
"Ryan careful, we're behind the door." Josh called to him over Tyler's cries.  
"Oh, oh hey you two. Tyler? What's wrong buddy?" Ryan asked, immediately crouching opposite.

"Ryan?" Tyler said timidly.  
"Yeah it's me mate, keep talking to me."  
"Where are where is Josh?"  
"Josh is sat on your left hand side, 50cm." Ryan told him.  
"Josh isn't in town right now," Tyler said, shaking his head wildly. "Jack stay away from Ryan, stay away! Stop it!"

"Tyler, can you tell me what you see?" Ryan asked.  
"Jack! Jack no! She's a baby, leave her!"  
"It sounds as if you're scared Tyler, what are you afraid of?"  
"I told you to leave her! I can't hear Ryan! Shut up Jack! Shut up! Be quiet!"  
"Tyler look at me." Ryan said calmly, but Tyler continued to frantically dart his attention around the room, breathing heavily. 

"Babe, it's Josh, nobody can hurt you I promise, I'm going to protect you." Josh told his husband, but was completely ignored again.  
"Can you see them?" Ryan asked slowly, pointing to his eyes. "Or hear them?" He continued, pointing to his ear.  
"JACK!!" Tyler suddenly screamed, scrambling to his feet. Ryan slowly stood up too.

"Okay Tyler, listen to what I'm saying. Jack, Jack isn't real. He's a hallucination, that's all, not real. That means he can't touch you and he can't hurt you, you don't need to be afraid."  
"Jack stop it! Stop, you're going to hurt her! Ruby, Ruby move, please Ruby, you have to move," Tyler cried out desperately, then raised his hands to his forehead with a horrified look on his face. Josh watched as Tyler looked physically repulsed by what he was watching.

Suddenly the door swung open, but Tyler didn't seem to notice.  
"Tyylerrr, you left me alone at breakfast," Ella called out as she walked into the room.  
"Ella, can you give us a minute?" Ryan asked her.  
"Oop sorry, you being crazy Ty?" She asked playfully, continuing to walk to Tyler.  
"Ella, go to your room please."  
"Whatcha looking at babe?" Ella asked with a smile, standing in front of Tyler.

"You better not be pulling that face at me." She giggled.  
"Alright Ella, that's enough." Ryan told her.  
"Tyler, come sit with me." Ella told him then held out her hand which Tyler ignored, so she reached up and carefully plied one from his forehead.

She led him over to the bed, then climbed on. Josh watched anxiously as Tyler climbed on too, sitting next to her with his back against the wall and his knees pressed up against his chest.

"So go on, whose here today?" She asked, looking across to Tyler.  
"Ella?" Tyler murmured quietly.  
"Well obviously I know I'm here you nutter. Who else? Ruby?"  
"Ella don't be insensitive." Ryan told her, now standing next to the bed.  
"I'm just playing, he knows that." Ella said, then Tyler immediately burst into tears and rested his head on Ella's shoulder. She pulled him into a tighter hug and let him sob hysterically against her skeletal chest and stroked his hair supportively.

 

Once Tyler calmed down, Ella gave him a big kiss on the forehead before leaving him with Ryan and Josh.

Ryan gave him his overdue meds as well as a PRN dosage to relax him, and afterwards Tyler got into bed properly.

The other two sat in chairs next to him and they softly talked.  
"Tyler, if you don't feel up to group then I'll tell Zoe to let you off," Ryan said gently.  
"Thanks," Tyler whispered against the pillow.  
"Are you hungry? You slept through breakfast but I can steal something from the kitchen,"  
"S'fine,"  
"Okay buddy," Ryan said sympathetically.

"Can I ask a question?"  
"K," Tyler murmured.  
"Jack, is he new?"  
"Yeah," Tyler nodded, then turned over so he was laying on his back and looking up at the ceiling.  
"He seemed kind of a jackass,"  
"Yes," Tyler sighed, covering his face with his hands.  
"Can you tell me what you saw him do?" Ryan asked, but Tyler just shook his head.

"It's okay Ty," Josh comforted,  
"I'm scared." Tyler said into his hands, then began to cry.  
"Tyler it's okay to be frightened sweetheart, but I promise you're safe and we're going to do everything we possibly can to make this better, okay?" Josh told him, leaning forwards but not touching his fragile husband.

"Ryan get Lauren," Tyler whispered, moving his palms to his eyes and hissing as he wiped away his tears.  
"Lauren?"  
"My psychiatrist,"  
"Oh, Dr Lauren Casey? She's over at the other hospital Ty, what do you want from her? I might be able to help instead."  
"She needs to up my dosages, I need stronger meds, please I can't see that again,"  
"You're maxed out on the antipsychotics mate,"  
"I need more,"  
"Any more would be dangerous Ty,"  
"I don't care!" Tyler suddenly screamed out.

"Tyler babe, he can't hurt you." Josh soothed.  
"He terrifies me Josh! Is that not a good enough reason to not want to see him?!" Tyler yelled before breaking down into sobs again. They sat in silence for a moment.

"Will you sit with me please,"  
"Of course," Josh said softly before climbing onto the bed and sitting cross-legged between the wall and Tyler, who remained laying down under the covers.

"Tyler, I'm sorry. I want you to know that you're safe, but I didn't mean for it to come across as meaning you couldn't be scared still. I'd be terrified, I couldn't do what you do, you're so incredibly brave. I believe that from the bottom of my heart and I just wish there was more I could do."  
"Can I trace your palm please?" Tyler asked.  
"Yeah babe." Josh answered, holding out his hand in front of Tyler and resting his elbow on his knee. Tyler reached out and held Josh's fingers in one hand and slowly traced the lines with his other.

"Josh?"  
"I'm listening sweetheart."  
"I'm sorry about earlier,"  
"Tyler don't apologise, don't ever apologise for being unwell."  
"I thought you were a hallucination," Tyler admitted.  
"That's okay I understand sweetheart, it's all confusing and frightening, but I'm real and I'm here with you now."  
"It's just like the first time all over again," Tyler murmured as he continued to trace.  
"No it's not Tyler, not at all." Josh said definitively.

"What do you mean by first time Ty?" Ryan asked.  
"I don't even remember what year it was, but uh, back when I first went crazy-"  
"Developed your condition,"  
"First developed my condition, Josh was away travelling. We didn't know where he went, but I kept seeing him everywhere. Whenever I told my Mom or someone, they'd always say that Josh wasn't in town right now. He wasn't in town right now, that's what I had drilled into me everyday. Then when Josh did come back, I had just started accepting him as a hallucination. So yeah, I ignored him for a few months."  
"But Tyler, this wasn't a few months, it was a matter of seconds. That shows how much you've improved since the Cygnet days."  
"Still in hospital. Still crazy."  
"Lower security hospital, shorter psychotic episode." Ryan told him.

"Ryan?" Tyler said a couple of minutes later.  
"Yes mate?"  
"Can I have visitors this afternoon?"  
"Yeah Josh can stick around if you want, not a problem."  
"Can I have some more?" Tyler asked, sniffing away his tears.  
"Umm," Ryan thought for a moment. "Maybe, we'll see. If I do say yes then it will be conditional."  
"Who do you want babe?" Josh asked curious.  
"Tatum. Tatum and Zack."

 

"Tyler babe, I just got off the phone with Tatum." Josh said, walking back into his room.  
"And?" Tyler asked hopefully, feeling a lot better than he had that morning.

"Zack and Ben aren't very well sweetheart, Zack doesn't feel up to coming and he doesn't want to pass it on to you. I'm sorry babe,"  
"What about Tatum?"  
"I wasn't sure whether you'd be okay with just her without Zack, or the fact that she's been in the same house as them." Josh explained, sitting back down next to his husband.

"I'm fine," Tyler nodded.  
"Sure?"  
"Yep, I can think of it as an exposure task."  
"You wanna be doing exposure tasks after this morning?" Josh asked in slight disbelief.  
"Well how else am I going to get better? I have to push myself Josh." Tyler grinned.  
"You're frickin amazing Tyler Dun-Joseph." Josh told him, then leant in and kissed him softly on the lips. "I'm so proud, so proud, of you."  
"Thank you," Tyler smiled,

"I'm uh, I'm putting this morning down to having my meds late."  
"Yeh,"  
"It was just mixed up chemicals in my brain, that's all. It doesn't mean anything. I'm not going psychotic again, I'm not. I'm not. I'm fine. I just need to take my medicine properly and I won't see Jack again. I'm not psychotic. I'm not." Tyler repeated again.

Josh could tell that something wasn't quite right, and Blurryface was definitely influencing Tyler somehow, but nevertheless he was being positive and that's better than Josh had expected.

"Yeah it's just chemicals, you're okay sweetheart."  
"So will you call Tatum back?"

 

  
"Hey guys, can I come in?" Tatum asked from the door.  
"Yep," Tyler called out.  
"I come baring gifts, well, a gift." She smiled, holding out a cup full of pic n mix for Tyler. Tyler laughed and took it off her as she sat down in the seat next to Josh.

Tyler was sat in bed, but had been in a hyper mood for most of the afternoon and kept bouncing his crossed legs up and down and up and down.

"Throwback," he chuckled, taking the top off.  
"Great, just what he needs, more sugar," Josh groaned sarcastically.  
"Boring responsible adult," Tatum teased. "I was in the store to grab some stuff for Ben and I saw the pic n mix and remembered I used to bring it every week during your first time at Campbell, so I thought why not?"  
"Thank you," Tyler laughed as he poured the entire contents out onto the mattress in front of him.  
"Zack send his love."

"How is he?" Josh asked.  
"Him and Ben have caught some sort of bug bless them, so they're both asleep in bed at the moment."  
"Hope they get well soon,"  
"Is it fatal?" Tyler asked casually but he clearly wasn't joking.

He didn't look up at Tatum as she answered, and continued to split the sweets into different rows based on type colour and size.

"No sweetpea, just a little virus."  
"How are you?" Josh asked her whilst keeping an eye on Tyler.  
"They've both been coughing all day and all night so I haven't had much sleep, but I guess that's being a mother! And for whatever reason I've been lucky and not caught it, so I'm otherwise okay. How are you two?"  
"I'm fab," Tyler answered, focusing entirely on his sorting.

"We're okay thanks, rough morning," Josh answered honestly, a little hushed towards the end. "But you're a tough cookie aren't you Ty?" Josh added, and Tyler nodded without looking up.

"Well then Mr Tough Cookie, how are those green nails holding up?" Tatum asked, but was blanked.  
"Tyler, Tatum asked you a question."  
"Nope, she asked Mr Tough Cookie." Tyler said seriously.  
"Sorry. Tyler, how's your nail polish looking?" Tatum corrected herself.  
"I chewed them a bit so it's all chipping," Tyler told her whilst holding out his hands to show 10 perfectly painted nails.

"They look okay to me darling, but I'm sure Maddy would love to do them again if they get a bit tired." Tatum said calmly, and Josh was thankful that she hadn't made a big deal out of his confusion.

"Is Maddy okay?" Tyler asked, getting back to carefully sorting.  
"She's really well yeah, she was buzzing after you came for Christmas."  
"Buzzing?"  
"Happy," Tatum explained.  
"Oh."

"Can I help in any way? Sort the skittles or something?" Tatum asked, leaning forwards towards the carefully arranged rows and columns now surrounding Tyler.

"No no, no don't touch," Tyler muttered, trying to find a place for a cola bottle.  
"Could it go there?" Tatum suggested, pointing to a gap.  
"No, no that's wrong." Tyler told her as though it were obvious. "Here. Here is good. You see?"  
"Oh okay, I see." Tatum nodded.

"Tyler babe, should we pop the sweets away and do something different?" Josh suggested.  
"No! Don't you see Josh?! It's almost complete. It's almost perfect."  
"What happens when it's complete sweetheart?" Josh asked, but Tyler just smiled and giggled at him before getting back to work.

"Don't suppose there's any I can eat sweetpea?" Tatum asked.  
"Eat? Why would you want to eat these? That's vile," Tyler asked in disgust.  
"I'm just kidding around, it's okay babe." Tatum back pedalled before giving Josh a quick worried glance.

"Tyler, can I have some eye contact please?" Josh said.  
"One second," Tyler muttered, reaching across all corners of the bed to place various sweets in positions that seemed random to Josh, but made perfect sense to Tyler.

Tyler held a cherry shaped sweet in his hand and looked on every row for a place, but couldn't find one that worked for his head. Josh watched as he ran his finger along every row again, then a third time.

"Ty?"  
"Josh this one is wrong, it's wrong, where does it go?! It's wrong, it doesn't fit." Tyler began to panic.  
"It's okay babe, I'm sure we can fit it somewhere."  
"No! No it doesn't! It doesn't fit anywhere!!" Tyler screamed, smashing apart his carefully constructed columns and knocking hundreds of sweets to the ground. He continued to shout as he knocked all the rows with his arms so that every single one was ruined.

"Tyler! Tyler stop it!" Josh instructed him as he became hysterical.  
"No no no no what have I done, no," Tyler began to sob, bringing his knees up to his chest and burying his face in his arms.  
"Sweetpea, it's okay, we can make it all better." Tatum comforted him. 

"Tyler, can I sit with you?" Josh asked, then climbed up next to him when he didn't protest. "Babe listen to me, we can help you fix it. What can we do?"  
"Jo-sh," Tyler sobbed.  
"I'm here sweetheart, I'm here,"  
"Josh,"  
"Come on," Josh whispered, then pulled Tyler into a hug. "S'okay sweetie,"

"I want Tatum," Tyler eventually murmured against Josh's shoulder.  
"Me? I'm still here honey," Tatum said from her chair.  
"Tat-tum," Tyler hiccuped.  
"Yeah?"  
"Can I, have, a hug, please?"  
"Oh of course baby! Josh move aside, it's Tatum's turn." Tatum smiled as she took Josh's place and sat next to Tyler, letting him rest his head against her chest and wrapping her arms around him.

"Josh, water please," Tyler whispered quietly between gasping breaths.  
"I'll grab you a bottle from the fridge, Tatum that alright?"  
"Yeah we're okay," Tatum smiled, resting her chin on Tyler's head.

Josh quickly stepped out of the room and walked over to the large pantry on the other end of the corridor where patients could help themselves to snacks. He quickly opened up the fridge in the corner and grabbed a bottle of water, then walked back to Tyler's room.

As he entered, Tyler was sobbing hysterically against Tatum again.  
"Ty babe, what's wrong?" Josh asked sympathetically whilst sitting back down. "Ty, I got your water,"  
"Not thirsty,"  
"Okay, I'll put it on the side table for when you decide you want it. Can you tell me what's upsetting you?"

"Tyler, I'm g-" Tatum began before getting interrupted.  
"No! Don't say anything!"  
"Tyler, I have to," Tatum said whilst Tyler continued crying, "Josh whilst you were out, Tyler asked me to buy him some blades."  
"Oh Tyler,"  
"Tatum you promised." Tyler sobbed.  
"Tyler you don't need them."  
"You don't understand Josh! You don't understand and you never will! I do need them, I need them so bad. They're the only thing that help. All my head does is talk and talk and talk and it's only ever quiet when I've got my blades. You don't understand what it's like Josh, nobody does,"


	30. Chapter 30

It was raining heavily as Josh drove from work to Campbell.

Josh loved the rain, loved hearing it hammer down on the car roof a few inches above him, and watching it cascade down the windows. After a hectic day at the office, he found it strangely calming. But he drove quickly, knowing the storm would spook his fragile husband.

 

Once he pulled up into the hospital's parking lot, he decided to sit in the car for a moment out of hope that the torrential rain might lighten slightly.

As he sat and waited, he reached across to the passenger seat and picked up one of the thick files he had brought home to familiarise himself with before the big court date next week. He flicked through the first couple of pages, memorising key details, before putting it back and deciding to make a run for the entrance.

It upset him slightly as he ran along the puddled sidewalk that had been covered in snow the day before, but nevertheless he burst his way into the reception.

Tyler wouldn't be happy the snow was gone, just like he wouldn't be happy that Josh was dripping wet.

"Oh Josh, was just about to call you," Ryan said as he turned round to face him. Tyler's keyworker was stood in the reception alongside Harriet and a few other members of the team.

"Hey, what's going on?" Josh asked, gesturing towards the circle they had formed.  
"Tyler collapsed in the shower, hit his head pretty bad."  
"Is he okay?!" Josh panicked.  
"He'll be fine, but just to be safe he's over at the hospital now."  
"Shit."  
"I was gonna head over and see how he is, you want a lift?"  
"No I'll drive myself so I can stay longer, fuck,"

 

  
As Josh made his way to the room the hospital receptionist had directed him too, he felt a whole swirl of emotions in his stomach.

Of course fear for Tyler's wellbeing was the most pressing, but also déjà vu as he relived the literal hundreds of times he had been in that situation before.

He passed the room where Tyler recovered for 11 days after Josh's father had attacked him, then further down the corridor was the room Tyler had his stomach pumped after taking an almost fatal overdose. As he left the end of the corridor, he walked past the entrance to intensive care where Tyler had spent many admissions being resuscitated or on life support.

Once he finally made it to the corridor where Tyler was currently residing, he remembered it was the very same corridor that Tyler had once fought off police officers who eventually arrested him to enable doctors to treat him. 

Josh shook his head, then jogged the final few steps to Tyler's room.

"Tyler? Tyler I'm here," Josh said as he burst into the room.  
"Sorry sir you'll have to wait outside," a nurse told him.  
"He's my husband,"  
"Sir, step out of the room please, there's no visitors allowed yet." The nurse repeated, standing between Josh and Tyler and slowing edging him back towards the door he came from.

"Josh!" Tyler cried out, a raw cry that broke Josh's heart.

"Are you Josh?" A doctor asked from Tyler's bedside.  
"Yes,"  
"Jane let him stay." The doctor told the nurse, who glared at Josh frustrated but obeyed and moved to the side, allowing Josh to rush towards his husband.

Tyler was drowning in an oversized hospital gown that made it suddenly apparent how much weight he had lost recently, and it only added to how fragile he looked.

There was a small bruise in the middle of his forehead and Josh knew it must have been from hitting it against a wall repeatedly, but the main thing that alarmed Josh was the large dressing covering a gash running for several centimetres along Tyler's hairline.

Tyler was sickly pale but the surrounding skin was already swollen and bruised, and Tyler's hair was matted thick with blood.

"Tyler babe I'm here, I'm here," Josh comforted as he reached out and held his hand, careful not to knock the IV that was in it.  
"He's been asking after you since the ambulance picked him up," the doctor told him.  
"Tyler I'm here sweetheart, everything's okay." He soothed, recognising the wide panic filled eyes.

"We need to suture his laceration and send him for a head CT as soon as possible but he's currently refusing treatment."  
"Right," Josh tried to listen, but couldn't tear his attention from his husband.  
"He's under a mental health section so we may have to intervene chemically in a moment, but we're trying not to as it's not advised to give a patient with a potential head injury any medication to alter consciousness,"  
"Yeah okay."  
"We've tried to convince him." 

"Tyler, look at me, you need to let the doctors help you." Josh said calmly but firmly.  
"No," Tyler whispered terrified, shaking his head excessively.  
"Tyler try not to move your head too much until we clear it." The doctor told him.  
"Stay back," Tyler whimpered at the doctor whilst trying to move to the other side of the bed, but Josh held his hand tight and kept him close.

"Tyler sweetheart, what's wrong?"  
"Josh," he whispered, barely audible.  
"Yeah?" Josh said softly, leaning in close to Tyler so to hear him.  
"He's one of them," Tyler mouthed quietly.  
"Them? Who's them?"  
"The ones who have been chasing us, he's working with them,"  
"Tyler remember what we said? I got rid of all the bad guys,"  
"He's trying to kill me." Tyler breathed.   
"No Tyler, no he isn't. I promise nobody can hurt you, this hospital is entirely safe."  
"The defences," he muttered silently, panic still filling his eyes.  
"Yes that's right, the hospital has defences to protect you. You're safe. And this doctor,"  
"Dr Longo," The man filled in.  
"Dr Longo is working with us, he's helping us, will you let him help you?"

"Josh I don't feel so good," Tyler uttered.  
"I know sweetie, but Dr Longo is going to make you feel better I promise. Will you sit nice and still whilst he does that?"  
"Stay with me, protect me,"  
"I will sweetheart I promise, and Ryan is going to arrive soon too so you're definitely safe."

"Tyler if I let Josh stay with you, will you let me numb and suture your head?" Dr Longo asked.  
"And Ryan," Tyler added quietly.  
"Okay, Ryan and Josh. Have we got a deal?" The old man asked, and Tyler eventually nodded his head.

"No head movement please."  
"Can I have medicine now?"  
"Yeah we can get you some painkillers."  
"No no no no not that," Tyler told him, shaking his head.  
"Ty stop moving your head," Josh reminded him. "Do you need your PRN meds?"  
"Anaesthetic," Tyler murmured.  
"Jane, the nurse, has gone to get some local anaesthetic to make your cut numb so I can stitch it."  
"General, please, please,"  
"General anaesthetic? No we only need local," Dr Longo told him whilst quickly flicking through Tyler's thick file of notes.

"Please, I need to sleep,"  
"It won't hurt Tyler, you have my guarantee." said the doctor.  
"I just want sleep,"  
"You need to stay awake just whilst we check that you didn't knock your brain when you passed out."  
"Josh please,"  
"Sweetheart they know what's best, and I promise you can go to sleep afterwards."

"No I can't, I can't sleep Josh, I can't sleep. I just toss and turn and it never lets me sleep. If I do, it's worse. It's louder and scarier and they're always there chasing me and I can't escape and it never ends. It doesn't matter whether I'm awake or not, it never ends. Please Josh please, make them knock me out, please," Tyler begged, becoming hysterical.  
"Tyler I'm going to need you to calm down." Dr Longo told him, watching Tyler's heart rate race on the screen next to him.  
"Do it, knock me out!" Tyler cried out.  
"We're not going to administer general anaesthetic-"  
"Why not?!" He yelled.  
"Because there's a risk that we might not be able to wake you up again,"  
"Good! I don't care!" Tyler screamed, tears rolling down his face as he twisted uncomfortably and dug his heels into the mattress and scraped them over and over again.

"But listen to me, I can give you a sedative. Would you like that? Calm you down, make you feel drowsy but not actually send you to sleep?"  
"Knock me out." Tyler begged again, ignoring the offer of sedative.  
"It's lorazepam Tyler, you take it already to stay calm, but this is a bigger dosage." Dr Longo told him whilst preparing a syringe of the liquid.   
"Kill me!" cried Tyler desperately.

  
An hour later and Dr Longo has successfully numbed and stitched Tyler's wound. Dr Longo said that Tyler had a concussion, but a brain scan had thankfully dismissed anything more sinister. The doctor also said that the reason behind his recent faintings were most likely anxiety based.

After that, he left Tyler to rest. Ryan arrived not long after Tyler had been sedated, and Tyler's parents arrived about 20 minutes later.

The four of them were now sat quietly talking around Tyler's bed as he laid silently.  
Kelly was trying to hide it, but Josh watched as she wiped occasional tears from her face.

"Josh, Ben was wearing the little outfit you bought him for Christmas today." Chris told Josh softly.  
"You know what they say, gays have the best fashion sense." Josh smiled, gently stroking Tyler's hand with his thumb.

"How's he and Zack doing? Tatum mentioned they were unwell,"  
"The littleone's doing a bit better, Zack's still pretty sick bless him," Kelly answered. "Tyler, Tatum said she had a really nice time seeing you yesterday."  
"Yeah it was lovely to see her." Josh answered for his silent husband.

"Are you two planning a visit over the next couple of days?" Ryan asked Tyler's parents.  
"It's up to Tyler," Kelly replied quietly, and Josh gave her a sympathetic smile as she wiped another stray tear.  
"But we'd love to, wouldn't we sweetheart." Chris said, squeezing his wife's hand. "And Josh I know your court case is coming up soon-"  
"He's abandoning me," Tyler murmured whilst staring into the distance.

"He's not son, it's just one of those unavoidable things unfortunately. What I was going to say is that we would love to keep you company if you'd be okay with that."  
"I want Josh," Tyler said a little slurred.  
"I'll still come all the time too babe," Josh reassured him.  
"All the time?"  
"As often as I can," Josh corrected himself.

"And Tyler, everyone's back from their Christmas leave now so all the group activities are back to normal again. There will be plenty to keep you occupied." Ryan contributed.  
"Is Mo back?"   
"No, he's moving to Cygnet in a couple of days."  
"Where's he now?" Tyler whispered to the ceiling.  
"He's out of intensive care, and he's on the high dependency unit. I actually payed him a visit before I came to see you, he's awake and-"  
"Josh we have to go break him out,"   
"Sweetheart no." Josh told him calmly.  
"We need to save him from Cygnet, they'll destroy him."  
"Cygnet will help him, just like they helped you."

"Ryan?"  
"Yeah buddy,"  
"Are you going to send me to Cygnet too?" Tyler asked quietly.  
"No."  
"Even though I don't sleep at Campbell?"  
"There's more things we can do at Campbell first before transferring you,"  
"Even though I keep seeing new people?"  
"Again, there's still more things we can try to help you."  
"Even though I really really wanna fucking die?" Tyler asked, and that was what finally caused Kelly to burst into sobs.

 

  
Despite Tyler's protests, Dr Longo decided that Ryan and Josh could take him back to the ward that evening. Tyler continued to either ask for someone to knock him out or to kill him for the entire evening, and Chris eventually had to take Kelly home as she was finding it so upsetting. They promised to visit the next day, but Tyler didn't seem to care.

Josh wasn't sure whether it was the concussion or Blurryface, but Tyler was really worrying him that night. It was as though Tyler had finally snapped, finally had enough.

But Josh reminded himself that Tyler had snapped before, many many times, and it took a while but he always managed to somehow dig deep and find the strength to pull himself together again. Josh honestly didn't know how he did it, but at the same time couldn't help but find himself wishing for more from his husband.

With a sigh, Josh turned back to face his fragile counterpart who was scribbling in a journal in his bed back on Campbell.

He still looked unnaturally pale, a slight gray tinge to his clammy skin. The dark bags under his wary eyes were becoming more and more prominent by the day, and the bruised swelling surrounding his new stitches warped the proportions of his gaunt face.

The man was looking less and less like the happy music teacher he was, and more and more like the psychotic 20 year old he had once been.

"Quit staring," Tyler snarled without looking up.  
"Sorry darling, you're just so attractive that I can't help myself," Josh smiled, earning a disgusted scoff from Tyler. "I'm sorry Tyler,"  
"When are you going? You have to work tomorrow."  
"Uhm," Josh hummed tunefully as he checked his watch and saw it was 9.30. "I can stay longer, maybe another hour? Unless you'd like me to go now?"  
"No, no stay," Tyler eventually whispered.  
"Of course sweetheart." Josh grinned, refusing to let the depression be contagious.

Of course he knew it wasn't, but he also knew that good moods sometimes rubbed off on others. No matter how forced they were.

"Josh,"  
"Yep babe?"  
"Uh, actually, no, no it's nothing."  
"Alright, but if you decide it's not nothing then tell me. Can I come sit under the covers with you? I'm lonely over here,"  
"Fine," Tyler grumbled, but lifted the blanket for Josh to climb under too.

"Thank you, I love you Tyler Dun-Joseph." Josh smiled as he settled in next to his delicate husband.  
"You too." Tyler muttered, but Josh caught him smile ever so slightly before going back to his writing.

"So you know earlier, did Harriet find you butt naked?"   
"Are you 4 years old?" Tyler asked as Josh grinned at the idea.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is from Tyler's POV. I haven't written it is the same Tyler v Blurryface style that I did for chapter 7, but you do get some of his thoughts. One of the main reasons I haven't included Blurry as a separate entity is because I'm really lazy :D but also because Tyler has become so sick that it's not such a clear divide between what's him and what's Blurry anymore xx

What day was it? Yesterday his mom and dad had visited, and the day before he was at the hospital. Why was he at the hospital? Oh, oh yeah, fainted in the shower. Then before that day was the day Tatum came. What happened before Tatum? Had Josh visited? Yes, yes Josh was there and they played a game with that girl from the hall, the skinny one. Ella. Yes, her. Was there another day between then and Christmas? Tyler decided no.

So Christmas was a Friday, Tyler was sure of that, he'd even written it down.

Friday Christmas. Saturday skinny girl. Sunday Tatum. Monday fainted. Tuesday Mom and that man who looked like Dad but definitely wasn't Dad. And today, today was Wednesday.

So where was Josh? Josh said he didn't go to court until Friday, Tyler had written that down so he didn't forget; Wednesday was just an office day he had told Tyler. And on office days Josh arrived at 6, maybe 7 if he was running a bit late. It was 7.40 according to the clock Tyler could see from his bed, and Josh wasn't here. Josh should be here. Josh should be here.

 

  
Tyler sighed, he was getting frustrated. It was 8 o clock and Josh should definitely be here by now. Tyler had so much he wanted to say.

He wanted to tell Josh that the animal therapy people had visited with the kittens that morning, and that Tyler loved a kitten called Bean. Yes, Josh would like to know that.

And he wanted to tell Josh that everything was okay because Debby had visited him at lunch. Debby hadn't visited in a while, so Josh would definitely like to know that she's okay, and that her hair is black now.

Oh and Josh would ask about his sessions, because Josh always wanted to know about his sessions. Yes. Tyler would tell him about his sessions.

 

  
It was a little after 8, well it was 20 past 8, did that count as a little? Josh would know. Tyler would ask him when he arrived. Because he had to arrive soon. Tyler was waiting, and Josh never liked Tyler to be waiting. He wouldn't leave him waiting much longer. No. He wouldn't be much longer.

 

  
"Tyler, do you want to come in the common room? They're going to put Harry Potter on the big TV in a minute." Ryan said from the door.  
"No," Tyler answered.

He couldn't leave. Not when Josh could arrive at any moment. He would arrive at any moment.

"Well whatcha doing in here?" Ryan asked, walking in and sitting down whilst throwing a stress ball up and down every couple of seconds.

He did that a lot. Tyler liked it. It reminded Tyler of basketball, but a small basketball, a small basketball that was small and yellow and a stress ball.

"Waiting."  
"For what?"  
"For Josh."  
"Is he coming tonight? It's getting a bit late," Ryan said.

Why would Ryan say that? Of course Josh was coming. Josh always comes. Ryan shouldn't put silly silly ideas like that in Tyler's head. That was how the shaking starts, with silly ideas. The shaking and the heart racing and the breathing and the crying. No. No Ryan should not say such silly things.

"He's coming,"  
"Want me to go to the office and call him and see where he is?"

 

  
"I left a message on his voicemail," Ryan explained, still throwing the yellow ball. Tyler watched it fly up a few feet, then drop back into Ryan's hand. Josh could do that. Josh was good at things like that. Yes, he was certain Josh could do that.

"You want one?" Ryan offered, noticing Tyler's stares. He was good at noticing Tyler's stares. Very good. Every day he would notice. And that was good. Very good.  
"No," Tyler shook his head. Ouch. Headache. Stupid demons.

"How are you coping with the storm?" Ryan asked, wandering over to the big window to look at the weather. Tyler hadn't noticed the weather.  
"Josh likes storms. He likes the rain." Tyler told him.  
"Good, he'll be happy then. How about Tyler? Does Tyler like the storm?"  
"Tyler likes what makes Josh happy," Yes that's true.

If Josh is happy then Tyler should be happy. The storm is good, it must be good if Josh thinks it is good.

It doesn't matter that the sudden thunder makes Tyler frightened, because Josh thinks it is good. It doesn't matter that the howling wind makes Tyler frightened, because Josh thinks it is good. It doesn't matter that the bright flashing lightning makes Tyler frightened, because Josh thinks it is good. It doesn't matter that the loud hammering rain makes Tyler frightened, because Josh thinks it is good.

"But Blurry gets frightened,"  
"Is Blurry frightened now?"  
"Little bit,"  
"Can Tyler think of anything that would make Blurry feel calm?"  
"Josh," Josh makes everything calmer.

 

  
"Harry Potter just finished so I'm going to bed, night psycho, love you lots," Ella said, quickly popping into Tyler's room on the way to hers.

She did that a lot. Tyler didn't like it, but he didn't hate it. Ella was different. Ella wasn't like Josh, and that was bad, but she wasn't like the rest, and that was good.

"Love you too," Tyler called after her. It was polite. Josh taught him it was polite.  
"If you weren't gay and married, I would totally ship you two," Ryan smiled. Tyler always likes Ryan's smile. It's good to boost confidence, so he would boost Ryan's confidence. Josh would like that.  
"I like your smile,"  
"Thank you Tyler," Ryan smiled again.

"Do you want to go to bed too? Like Ella?"  
"No, Josh is coming,"  
"It's half 10, I don't think he's coming tonight mate."  
"He's coming,"  
"Tomorrow he'll come," Ryan nodded.   
"And also tonight,"  
"I don't think so, he's probably busy with work."  
"No, no he said if they made him busy then he would quit."  
"We can ask him tomorrow. Should I turn the main lights off?"  
"Um,"  
"Will that make Blurry frightened?" Tyler nodded. Ouch. Headache. Stupid demons. "I'll stay with you a while longer I promise, I'll stay until the night team come and are settled in."

 

 

  
Tyler knows it's the morning.

He knows it's the morning because the storm clouds outside aren't black they are gray, and the light creeps through the curtains.

He knows it's morning because the nurse comes in and gives him his mornings meds.

He knows it's morning because the night staff leave and the day staff arrive.

He knows it's morning because Ella says good morning. 

But it shouldn't be morning. If it's morning, then that meant that Tyler didn't sleep, and it meant that Josh didn't come yesterday. And Josh always comes.

"Tyler, you're late for breakfast mate," Ryan says as he walks in, still got the stress ball. That's good.   
"Ryan is it a new day?" Tyler asks. He ignores the statement about breakfast. He doesn't want breakfast.

Without Josh, who would check it was safe? No. Wait till Josh arrives then eat.

"It is, and happy New Years Eve."  
"Is Josh here yet?"  
"No he's probably at work, his case starts tomorrow,"  
"I know, I wrote it down." Tyler told Ryan, and Ryan sits in his usual seat. Tyler liked that he had a usual seat. Routine left no room for danger. He didn't like that Josh used that seat too. No. They can't both share. No.

"You're not going to breakfast today are you?" Ryan smiled.  
"Not till Josh arrives."  
"Okay, I'll get you some other food in a bit. What else have you been writing?"  
"Things," Tyler explained, reaching for the notebook.   
"Have you written down anymore questions? I'll answer them now if you'd like,"  
"No," Tyler lied.

He had some questions. 8 questions. But actually there were 8 subtract 8/4, but the number that 8 subtract 8/4 made was bad, so he repeated some questions. And first he must ask Josh the questions, Josh before Ryan.

"Did you sleep last night?"   
"I don't think so,"  
"Storm keep you up?"  
"I was waiting for Josh."  
"You feeling okay about him not swinging by yesterday? Worried or angry or anything?"  
"He'll be here,"  
"Yeah he will. Josie said you had two panic attacks last night, you want to talk about it?"  
"No,"

"Okay mate, you know what you're doing today?"  
"Is Bean coming?"  
"That little kitten? No he came yesterday. But today is fun too, the ward manager is doing loads of stuff to celebrate New Years."  
"I don't like New Year."  
"Nah I think it's a bit cheesy too, turning over a new leaf blah blah,"  
"Ryan, you're not supposed to say that," Tyler smiled. Ryan was funny.  
"I know," Ryan grinned back. "If you don't wanna do any of the activities then tell me and I'll get you out of them,"

"You're not like the others,"  
"Is that a good thing?"  
"Yes. Ella always has to go to everything. I like you. You don't make me do things."  
"Well that's because we trust each other Tyler. I'm not gonna force you to do anything, and in return you've got to be good for me. I think we've got a good relationship going, do you agree? I don't make you go to the open discussion group, and in return you talk to me privately about anything you want to discuss. And I'm not forcing you to have breakfast, so in return you have to tell me if there's anything worrying you or Blurry."  
"Okay," Tyler nodded.

That sounded good. Good deal, yes, good deal. But ouch, headache, stupid demons.

"Did that hurt your head?"  
"Yes,"  
"See, good relationship, you tell me things." Ryan smiled. "I'll get you some pain killers in a minute."  
"Thank you,"

"Mom's going to visit in a couple of minutes,"  
"No Josh is," Tyler corrected him. Silly Ryan.  
"Josh comes in the evening, and it's the morning right now. Mom this morning, Josh this evening."

 

  
When his mom arrived, Tyler was writing a letter to Josh in his journal. He didn't like journaling his emotions, they would grow and grow as he wrote and it was scary. But Josh always listened to what Tyler was feeling and thinking, so it was easier to write them for him.

He knew his mom was stood in the door, but he wasn't finished. He carried on writing, and a moment later he heard Ryan join her in the doorframe.

Tyler knew they would talk about him. They always talked about him. They thought he couldn't hear. He could hear.

But Tyler knew from watching hundreds of old war movies that you should never miss an opportunity to gather intel. He wouldn't alert them, he'd just listen.

"Good morning," Ryan began.  
"Morning, how is he?"  
"I reckon he's doing okay. We had a nice morning yesterday, all the kittens came in and he befriended one. Had an episode during lunch and the start of the afternoon, but he didn't get too hysterical,"  
"Did he see more new people?"  
"No nobody new, the main one seemed to be Debby,"  
"Was Joshua okay?"  
"Actually Josh didn't turn up yesterday,"  
"Did he say why?" Mom asked, she was worried. She was worried, Tyler could tell.   
"No I couldn't get hold of him, called him twice and left a voicemail last night, then again this morning and got nothing."  
"Oh bless him, he probably just needs a break. I'll call him later and check he's okay,"

"How's he been coping since Christmas Eve?" Ryan asked. Why would Ryan ask that? What did he mean? What, what, what what was happening.  
"I think he's managed to collect himself again, but I'm still really worried Ryan."  
"Well he spoke with our carer support coordinator Laura the-" 

"He did what?!" Tyler interrupted, turning round to face them.  
"Oh hey baby," Kelly smiled. It was a fake smile. It meant she was hiding something. Tyler knew it. He knew it.

"Mom, what's going on?!"  
"Nothing sweetheart, are you journaling?" Mom tried to distract him. She shouldn't do that. No. Tyler knew what he was thinking. He didn't have to write it this time, he knew it, Mom shouldn't try and ruin that. 

"What's going on." Tyler repeated, angry. Yes, he was angry.  
"Tyler baby, nothing's going on,"  
"Liar!" Tyler snapped, shutting the journal and standing up.   
"Alright Ty, come on don't get angry. Let's just sit down and talk," Ryan intervened, sitting in his usual seat.

Ryan always tried. Usually Tyler liked that. But Tyler didn't like that. Tyler wanted to get angry. His mom needed to know he was angry, and he needed to know what was wrong with Josh.

"No no no no," Tyler refused, 4 times, 4 was good. That's why he paced 4 steps, then 4 steps, then 4 steps, then 4 steps.  
"Tyler, do you have a question?" Ryan said calmly.  
"What's wrong with Josh?!"  
"Don't worry sweetheart, he's okay now I promise, he just got a bit sad the other day." Kelly answered. Kelly lied. Tyler knew it was a lie.

"Why?!"  
"He's worried about you baby, we all are, and we all just want you to get bett-"  
"Get him."  
"Sweetheart he's at work,"  
"Get him."

 

  
Tyler's mom told him that she called Josh 4 times and he didn't answer any of them.

He didn't know whether she said 4 because she meant 4, or because she knew that Tyler needed it to be 4.

He also didn't know whether she was lying, maybe Josh did answer, maybe Josh did answer and didn't want to see Tyler, maybe there was something wrong.

Yes, there was something wrong. That's why he didn't come yesterday.

"Mom what's wrong with Josh?"  
"This again sweetheart? I thought we'd talked about it, he's busy at work." Kelly said, concentrating on the colouring book they were doing.  
"Mom he never leaves me waiting,"  
"I know he doesn't baby, but I promise it's a one off."  
"Don't do that bit blue."  
"Oh sorry, is red better?"   
"Yes." Tyler told her, then they went back to colouring in silence for a minute.

"Mom what's wrong with Josh?"  
"Tyler baby, what's going to make you feel better about Josh? Because he's going to be at work for another 7 or so hours- sorry- sorry not that number, sorry, 8 hours," Kelly corrected herself as Tyler breathed in sharply.

"What I'm trying to say is that we can't keep having the same conversation every couple of minutes until he arrives,"  
"Mom what's wrong with Josh?"  
"Nothing sweetheart," Tyler's mom sighed.

 

  
"Mom,"  
"Yes?"  
"Will you call Josh again?"  
"16 times is enough for one day baby."  
"But what if something's happened?"  
"Tomorrow is the first day of court-"  
"I know Mom! I know! I wrote it down!" Tyler snapped, throwing the colouring pen down.  
"No Tyler listen to me, sit down and let me finish. I understand you're worried, but we can't keep doing this to him! He's been working this case for 8 months, he's put in so much effort and it's been so so difficult for him to try and balance work and home. Sweetheart I know you're scared, but I think Joshie deserves one day to focus just on the case. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, or that he doesn't care about you, or anything like that. All that's happened is he's put his phone on silent so he can concentrate. Do you understand why I don't want to bother him again?"  
"Mom,"  
"Yes,"  
"Will you call Josh again?"

 

  
"Sweetheart," Tyler's mom said as she walked back into Tyler's room.  
"Yeh?" Tyler sniffed from the corner of his bed.

Stupid tears. 

"I spoke to Dad, he's going to come here baby but first he's going to swing by your house and pick up Josh. How does that sound?" She asked, sitting down next to him and wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

She should have asked, but Tyler didn't care. He just rested his head on her shoulder and tried to stop anymore tears falling.  
"K,"  
"Last 3 hours of 2015 baby, I know you can get through them."

 

  
"Kelly, can I talk to you outside a minute?" Chris said as he arrived at Tyler's door. He arrived alone. His mom stood up and followed his dad out into the corridor, and Tyler burst into tears. 

Josh hated him. He knew it. He was too much for Josh, he'd ruined it, he'd ruined the best thing to have ever happened to him. And the worst bit? Josh didn't say goodbye. He was leaving him on New Year's Eve without a goodbye.

"Tyler son, your mom is popping out to make some phone calls for a bit but I'm going to stay with you." Chris told Tyler as he walked back into the room.  
"Da-ad," Tyler sobbed.  
"Hey hey hey, no crying champ, there's no need for this,"  
"Dad,"  
"Yeah I'm here buddy, your old man's here."  
"Da-ad what what's going on?"  
"You want me to be honest Tyler?"  
"Please," he begged through the tears.  
"Your mom said not to tell you but I will, Josh wasn't at your house,"  
"N-no," Tyler broke down.  
"Can I hug you?" Chris asked before wrapping his arms around Tyler tight. "Listen to me kid, he'll turn up soon. It's New Year's Eve, he probably just got dragged off to some party by his work mates or something," he attempted to comfort Tyler, but Tyler knew the words were hollow.

"He's gone isn't he Dad."  
"No."  
"Dad he's run away, I know it, I can just feel it. Mom, she uh, Mom told me he was upset the other day. He's upset and I upset him and he needs to get away from me. He's gone Dad, I'm too much, this is all too much for him,"  
"Tyler listen to me. Are you a lot to handle? I think it's fair to say yes. Do you have baggage? Yes. Does it bother Josh? No. He loves you so much, and that doesn't change because you're not doing so great right now. Ty we both know that you've been in worse positions than this and he stuck around. He's not going anywhere champ, he's your husband and he chose you. Nobody forced him, he chose to be with you, warts and all. You're not perfect, but you two are perfect for each other. And you don't often hear old Dad getting all soppy like this, but the love you two share is special. He's not going anywhere kid. Just give Mom some time to call round the family and his friends and find him, then you can give him a stern telling off for partying."

 

  
"Mom why are you crying?"  
"Oh, oh oh baby,"  
"Kelly, you need a word in the corridor?"  
"No Dad, no don't you dare try and hide this. Mom why are you crying?"  
"T-Tyler I'm so s-sorry,"  
"Did Josh say he's not coming back?"  
"I, uh, I I got a call from Ash, Ash, Ashley, his uh, his sis-ter."  
"Is he staying with her until the divorce?"  
"Ty there was an accident, Josh didn't make it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry?


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The POV hops around a bit so I hope it makes sense :)
> 
> Mwhaha?

"Ty there was an accident, Josh didn't make it."

Oh. Ohhhh. Oh this was a hallucination, okay, oh Tyler didn't suspect this one. Tyler smiled. Tyler laughed. Good one. Almost got him. But no, Tyler wins again. Stupid hallucinations. Usually they screamed Josh was dead, screamed and screamed. They'd changed their tactic, very sneaky. But not sneaky enough, Tyler could see this wasn't real now.

All he had to do was be patient. They'd go away soon, this would all go away soon.

 

~

 

Kelly broke down into hysterics after the words left her lips; she collapsed to the floor unable to control herself. She couldn't help but weep as reality sunk in, Josh was gone. Josh was gone and her poor poor baby Tyler, oh Tyler, what was Tyler going to do. What were any of them going to do without him? Oh Josh, her fifth child, her baby.

She managed to pull her head up, not able to stop the cries escaping, but she pulled her head up and looked over at Tyler. He was smiling. Oh the poor baby, he didn't understand, he didn't understand.

 

~

 

Ashley had been sat in her parent's house with Andrew and her siblings to modestly celebrate New Year when they got a call. She didn't think anything of it, all her Mom said was that she needed to pop out of the house for an hour or so.

Everyone had joked around and made her promise not to get stuck in traffic for midnight again, like she had two years ago. She laughed and promised she'd be back soon.

And sure enough she was back within the hour.

There was no mention of where she had been, until eventually curiosity got the better of Ashley and she had to ask.  
"Hey Mom?"  
"Yes sweetheart?"  
"Where did you go?"  
"Oh I just had to pop over to the hospital. Joshua forgot to change us from his next of kin."  
"Is he okay?"  
"He's been freed, tonight we have two reasons to celebrate,"  
"Mom?"  
"I had to identify his body, the car he was driving rolled down the hill. Apparently they think he must have been there a while, but somebody only found the wreck today. The body was pretty bashed up but I'm sure it's him-" was all Ashley heard before she felt everything begin to spin and the floor slip from underneath her.

 

~

 

Tyler was sick of this one now. Even though it wasn't real, he still didn't like watching his 'mom' cry. She was sobbing, and 'Dad' was comforting her in the corner; he might have been crying too. Tyler didn't know, but he supposed that it didn't really matter.

There were some other people there now too, but none of them were Josh.

He's pretty sure that Ryan's not real, because he's crying too. And there were a couple more as well, some stood near him, some stood near 'Mom' and 'Dad', it was boring.

This was boring.

Couldn't they just hurry up and go so that Tyler could talk to Josh? Josh still didn't know about Bean the kitten, and Tyler knew he'd like to hear about Bean the kitten. Yes, he'd like that.

 

  
Tyler let himself have a little sleep. The night before he didn't manage, so he decided that yes, yes it was okay to sleep tonight. Josh always said that a good night's sleep would help.

Tyler smiled, remembering the little reward system Josh had come up with a few years ago when Tyler had been struggling to let himself sleep. If he got 4 hours, then he got a kiss. It didn't work though, because Josh always gave him a kiss.

  
Tyler looked at the clock, hmm, he was pretty sure he got 4 hours so he decided that he'd remind Josh of the system and make sure he got a kiss.

Really Tyler just wanted Josh right now. He sighed, a Josh hug sounded nice. 'Mom' and 'Dad' were still huddled together and there were still 4 subtract 4/4 other nurses in the room.

Usually the hallucination would either go away or change once he woke up, but this one stayed the same.

Tyler didn't like this, he didn't like this at all.

First he had started seeing new people, and now the hallucinations were lasting overnight. His stupid disorder was developing and changing again.

 

  
"Tyler," a nurse said softly.  
"Happy New Year, and good morning," Tyler smiled, just keep smiling, it's okay, this couldn't last much longer, just smile the hallucination away.

"Morning sweetie, I've got some medicine for you to take, do you think you can manage it?" she told him sympathetically, holding out a small pot and a glass for him to take.

Tyler took them off her, and saw there were 8 pills not 4.  
"Oh excuse me, I think you gave me too many,"  
"They're your PRN meds sweetheart, just to help you as much as we can. Is there anything else I can get you? Anything at all?"  
"Uhmm, can I have some breakfast? I don't think I've eaten recently,"  
"Of course sweetie, I'll bring something through,"  
"Oh and can you call Josh please? I'd like to speak to him on speakerphone and wish him good luck in court today."  
"Tyler-" the nurse began, but 'Mom' interrupted.  
"Baby, oh baby come to Momma,"  
"If he's already started then that's okay, I'll speak to him at lunch." Tyler continued.  
Not today hallucination, not today.

 

  
Ryan walked in a bit later, Tyler knew it was really Ryan because he had the yellow stress ball he almost always carried. Hallucination-Ryan didn't.

"Ryan,"  
"Hey Ty," Ryan sighed, sitting down next to him on the bed.  
"Ryan I've been hallucinating for a while,"  
"Okay mate, good job for identifying it as a hallucination, I know that's the hardest bit. Can you tell me what you see?" Ryan asked softly.  
"I uh, my mom and my dad, and they're crying, and uh, and my mom said Josh died, and uh, and some other nurses and stuff."  
"Okay Tyler I know this is horrible, and I wish it wasn't real too, but I'm so sorry, this isn't a hallucination. Josh passed away,"  
"Oh," Tyler sighed.

He was wrong. Ryan wasn't real.

"We're all here for you Tyler, I promise we're going to suppor-"  
"Can I see Bean please?"  
"The kitten? Not now. Tyler do you understand what I'm saying?"  
"Yep, Josh is dead."  
"Yes and-"  
"I think that I would like to go and watch Josh in court at some point this week, can somebody call Dr Ronan and arrange for some leave please? I like watching him, he's all passionate and cute."  
"Tyler we can't go and watch him, because he's not with us anymore. Please try to listen and understand that what I'm saying is real. I know you don't want to ev-"  
"I remember I went to watch him last year during the Manderson case and he was killing it, absolutely knocking it out of the park, but I had to leave because I couldn't stop sneezing." Tyler laughed.  
"It's good to remember him, but Tyler I don't think that you're unde-"

"Once the Harper case is over, we're going to Italy for a year. Only if they win of course! But they will, they've got Josh, he's the best. And he's going to take us to Venice, and Rome, and Florence and maybe Sicily. He wants to do Pisa, a wonky tower? Yeah I'm sure my OCD will love that. I'd prefer to do Naples and Milan; I think that the old Pompeii is near Naples, so that's something I'm super excited about seeing."

"Tyler,"  
"I get it okay?! Josh is dead, boohoo. Now will you all please leave me alone? I'm bored of this one, it's terrible. Aren't you supposed to try and scare me? Or upset me? Or make me hurt myself or something? You'll have to try harder than this." Tyler eventually snapped at fake Ryan.

 

  
Tyler wasn't bored anymore. Tyler was pissed off. They weren't supposed to last this long. When they did, somebody usually injected him with some sort of potion that made them go away. He was pissed off because none of the nurses were real, and none of them would inject him.

He was also pissed off because Josh still wasn't here. Tyler remembered what his dad had said, Josh had gone partying. So Tyler was angry over that. He was also angry because Josh should have been finished in court by now, and yet he wasn't here. He had specifically promised that nothing would ever come before Tyler. Idiot. Once Tyler had finished kissing him, he would tell him off.

But Tyler knew that as soon as he saw his husband's perfect squinty little eyes with their perfect hot chocolate colour that all his anger would melt away. It always did.

 

 

When Tyler woke up, 'Mom' and 'Dad' were finally gone. He smiled to himself, a real genuine smile. And it was Saturday, so Josh would be there all day. Yes. Today would be a good day.

"Ryyy!" Tyler called out, trying not to giggle at the nickname he'd made for his keyworker. If Ryan could call Tyler Ty, then he could call Ryan Ry.

"I'm here," Ryan sprinted into the room, "is everything okay?"  
"Yep, just wanted to say good morning."  
"Good morning,"  
"Oh and my hallucination finally ended," Tyler cheered with a grin.  
"What hallucination was that?"  
"Mom and Dad crying in the corner,"  
"They've gone home Ty,"  
"Can my actual mom and dad visit today as well as Josh?"

"Tyler I'd like for us to go for a walk around the hospital grounds in a few minutes, is that going to be a problem for you?"  
"Sounds romantic, don't tell Josh and we can keep it our little secret," Tyler giggled.  
"We'll get you your medication and some breakfast, then we'll head out. Dr Ronan has given us 15 minutes grounds leave as long as you behave."

"I'll have my meds but I'm not hungry, so we can go on our date straight after,"  
"Tyler you need to eat."  
"But Ryyy,"  
"You need to eat." Ryan repeated sternly.  
"What happened to you not forcing me to do anything I don't feel up to? You said if I talked to you then you wouldn't make me. I told you I was hallucinating, so now you have to trust me when I say I'm not hungry,"  
"You're right, I'm sorry Tyler. I'm just trying to think about what's in your best interest. See Tyler I know that eating isn't always easy for you, but without the right energy you're not going to be able to fight properly. What I'm going to talk to you about on grounds leave is going to make the next couple of weeks, potentially months, very very difficult for you. With that in mind, would you consider having some cereal so that it's one concern out of the way for a little while?"  
"Nah, get me ma crazy pills then take me on our secret date."

 

After Tyler took all 8 pills in the pot, Ryan lead the way out of the ward and into the grassy area surrounding the entire unit and parking lot.

Tyler smiled, he hadn't been outside since his ambulance trip to hospital, so the fresh air was a welcome feeling on his face. He was a little disappointed to see that the recent storm had washed away all the snow, but it didn't ruin his belief that today was going to be a good day. 

They made casual conversation for the first couple of minutes till eventually they arrived at an old willow tree, and Ryan sat down on the grass next to its trunk.

Tyler wanted to sit down too, but some not very pleasant thoughts were getting in the way.  
"Tyler, sit next to me for a minute."  
"I uh, I can't. The ground is dirty, it's dirty, it's dir-"  
"Here, you can borrow this." Ryan told him as he pealed off his regulation hospital fleece and set it down as a small blanket next to him.

Tyler swallowed before sitting on the fabric.  
"Did you bring chocolate dipped strawberries?" Tyler smiled. Smiles, yes, that's it. Smiles and jokes.

"Tyler be real with me a moment, you know I have a girlfriend right?"  
"Ooh mister big shot thinks I'm actually flirting with him. Please, don't flatter yourself. I'm married, and you're totally not my type." Tyler teased.  
"Okay good, just checking."  
"If you're not here to confess your undying love for me then what's this about?" Tyler asked.

"We had a conversation last week in your group session, a couple of days before Christmas, and we were talking about your first admission and the time building up to it."  
"Yeah,"  
"There were a few months where you were so used to something being a hallucination that when it was real you didn't believe it. Do you know what I'm talking about?"  
"Josh. When Josh came home from Indonesia I didn't realise it was really him." Tyler answered, wanting to play with the grass but not wanting to touch it, because if he touched it then his mom would die.

"Yeah that's right. And do you remember what else you said about it?"  
"That I wish someone had just grabbed me and shaken some sense into me."  
"Yes. Tyler this is my way of grabbing and shaking you."  
"8 subtract 4/4 years too late ya idiot, I know he's real now."  
"Tyler I need you to understand something different now, will you listen to what that is?"  
"Okay,"

"I know that your voices sometimes tell you that Josh is dead-"  
"Yep, but they're lying. Josh always tells me to tell them to shut up and piss off." Tyler smiled.  
"Tyler listen to me."  
"I am!"  
"Listen properly. I have some bad news, will you let me tell you? It's something that usually we tell you is a hallucination, but it's not this time Tyler. Then once I've finished I'll answer any questions you might have."

"Are you transferring me? Please Ryan, I don't want to go to Cyg-"  
"Tyler I'm not transferring you. I know this is going to be hard to hear, and it's hard for me to say, but there was an accident on Wednesday. Josh was driving from his office to the unit, and it appears he lost control of his car. It rolled down the embankment and unfortunately killed him. I'm so sorry Tyler,"  
"Shut up and piss off," Tyler told the hallucination.

Damn, they were getting good. How had this one let him out of the unit? Had Tyler managed to escape? His condition was changing again, growing stronger. He just wanted to find the real Ryan and ask for some real help.

"Okay I won't try and convince you that I'm real, but I want you to think about what I'm saying. Josh used to visit everyday didn't he, and now he hasn't been for a few days. Tyler he hasn't visited because he passed away. And that's why your parents were crying. They've had to go home to get some sleep, but also to start planning for the funeral."  
"He'll be here."  
"He won't Ty,"  
"He'll be here."  
"Do you have any questions?"  
"I'm going to go back to the ward now, because otherwise Ryan and Dr Ronan will be angry I escaped and I won't get any leave to go and watch Josh in court."  
Tyler told his hallucination, then stood up and walked straight back to the unit.

 

~

 

It had been a week since Tyler had last seen Josh, and he was a mess. Both mentally and physically. The hallucination just wouldn't end and nothing seemed to snap him out of it.

He'd tried taking his medication, tried going to his sessions, tried taking cold showers.  
He'd tried ignoring them, tried talking to them, tried screaming at them.  
He'd tried pinching himself, tried slamming his stitched head wound against the wall, tried cutting himself.

And now Tyler had had enough. He had been up the entire night cutting and then getting steristripped by staff, and he was exhausted. So he laid on his bed under the covers quietly sobbing, wishing Josh would come visit and at least explain why he was divorcing him.  
In his heart Tyler knew, but he wanted to hear it from Josh's mouth.

He heard footsteps in the corridor leading up to his room and turned to face the door, hoping to see Josh. When his parents and Ryan arrived, he laid back down and continued to cry against the pillow.

He didn't know whether they were real, but either way they weren't Josh so he didn't care.

"Ryan are you sure there's no way we can arrange for him to come? I mean it's his husband's funeral."  
"I'm sorry Chris he's not stable enough, it's just not safe."  
"We'd look after him."  
"I know you'd do your best, but it's a no go. Fraid that's the senior management's final decision, I tried my best but in the end I think they're right."  
"Yeah," Kelly whispered.

"And even if we did take him, he's still adamant we're hallucinations." Ryan told them.  
"My poor baby,"  
"We'll get there, we'll get there. He just needs time."  
"Hopefully. Kelly sweetheart he's not ready today, I think we need to go to the funeral and say goodbye to Josh, then we can start helping Tyler." Chris suggested quietly.  
"Oh Chris," Kelly began to cry, and Tyler could imagine them beginning to hug each other. He wished they'd piss off.

"It's okay beautiful, it's all going to be okay."  
"I'm sorry," Kelly said a moment later. "Let's just say hi to him, then we can go to the funeral."

"Okay. Tyler son, your mom and dad are here." Chris told Tyler as they walked into the room holding hands. Tyler couldn't find the motivation to attempt to interact with the hallucination, so continued to sob under the thin blanket.

"Baby, I love you," 'Mom' told Tyler, sitting down on the edge of the bed and stroking his hair softly. Tyler flinched away. He didn't care if it looked weird, he didn't want a hallucination touching him.

"Is there anything we can do champ?" Asked 'Dad' as he sat on a chair. Josh's chair. Tyler sobbed harder.

"Today's Joshie's funeral," Kelly told Tyler, reaching under the blanket and holding his hand. He didn't fight it.

"And the hospital have decided that you're gonna stay here, with Ryan, and with Harriet, and with all your other friends. I know you don't understand what's going on right now sweetie, and it must be so so scary, but Momma and Dad are here. We're here for you baby. And one day in the future, you might be really sad that you spent today here rather than with us, but I want you to please remember that we did it to keep you safe. We wished you could have come to his funeral, but we want you to be safe more than anything else in the world. And when you do eventually understand, and when you do eventually get better and get out of hospital, we're going to do something really nice for Joshie. We're going to have a special little service or something so that you can say your goodbyes too. We'll arrange it sweetheart, we'll do our bests we promise. We're gonna help you."

 

  
A few hours after his parents left, Tyler had managed to sit up. He wrapped himself entirely in the hospital blanket and continued to cry.

There was a war going on his mind and he didn't know what to do about it anymore. Tyler was so sure that he'd been hallucinating for the past week because he often had visual and auditory hallucinations in which he was told that Josh was dead, but this was different. Josh wasn't here.

Josh really wasn't here.

And that was fucking him up. He knew he shouldn't trust the hallucinations, shouldn't let them get to him, but he was struggling to find any evidence to reason with himself.

When they usually told him that Josh was dead, he could tell them to shut up and piss off because he was hugging Josh so of course they were wrong. But not this time.

Then again, maybe Josh had decided to divorce him and his hallucinations were just being smart and taking advantage of the situation.

As his mind raced, he barely noticed Zack walk into the room.  
"Tyler, Ty," his brother said, standing at the side of Tyler's bed.

Tyler looked up and saw he was dressed in an entirely black suit, except a white shirt. His eyes were red from tears, but his nose was red from the flu that Tyler remembered he'd been fighting.

"Hi," Tyler whispered.  
"Don't worry, I'm real."  
"They all say that," Tyler sighed, wiping his nose on his sleeve.  
"Yeah, sorry. Can I sit?"  
"Yeah. You uh, you look smart."  
"I just came from the funeral. Everyone else is at the wake but uh, I'm still sick so I didn't really feel up to it. Besides, wanted to see my brother."  
"Right," Tyler sighed, he didn't know what to believe anymore.

"Do you want to know about the funeral?"  
"No,"  
"Mom said you weren't feeling up to it."  
"No,"  
"Okay Ty, another time. And when you decide you're ready to hear then tell me, because I'm gonna be here."  
"I want to go watch Josh in court, will you get Dr Ronan."  
"Tyler it was Josh's funeral today, he's not in court, he's with The Lord."  
"He's not dead,"  
"Where do you think he is?"  
"I don't know, he's not in town right now, maybe he's gone to stay with his grandad in Pasadena again, or, or, he's not in town right now, or Dustin from school, or Sukki and Maia and uh and Sari in Indon- Indonesia, or, or with Debby."  
"Tyler." Zack interrupted the increasingly hysterical man.  
"Josh is dead Zacky." Tyler suddenly sobbed into his brother's shoulder.


	33. Chapter 33

A month passed since Josh's death, but Tyler had only known three weeks. The longest three weeks of his life.

He'd suffered with OCD for 20 years, had to deal with panic attacks for the past decade and depression for as long as he could remember. He'd spent a year submerged in complete psychosis, had 4 separate inpatient admissions to psychiatric hospitals totalling almost 2 years, and battled addictions to self destruction in multiple forms. And yet, those three weeks were the worst.

He couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't move.

Pretty much everyone came to visit him and tried to help to no amend; his parents, Maddy and Will, Zack and Tatum and Ben, Jay, his grandparents, Jenna, Lily from the outpatient clinic, Father Winston and Father Ray, even Josh's sister Ashley. But none of them were who he wanted. He wanted Josh, he needed Josh.

There were plenty of other unwanted visitors of another sort too. The hallucinations were more vivid and terrifying than ever, and they were near constant.

Tyler screamed and screamed as sinister shadows appeared, and feral rats scratched at his walls and floor and feet. Beatles crawled all over him and birds flapped their rough wings against his face and tangled themselves in his hair. A warped face with black empty eyes acted as a jump scare, suddenly appearing from nowhere and screaming in Tyler's face; and he'd scream right back terrified.

Every single visitor he had, whether it was his family or a member of staff, had rotting flesh on their face. Their skin flaked back to show blackened muscles and bloodied eye sockets. Tyler couldn't bare to look at them.

 

  
Kelly and Chris sat by their son's bed watching as he twisted and jerked frantically. They couldn't decide which was worse, when he was writhing or when he was completely frozen still.

Kelly knew there was nothing she could do to calm him down, but she still felt so guilty as she sat wrapped in her husband's arms. Eventually she couldn't take it anymore and leant forwards.

It took her three attempts to grab hold of his thrashing hand, but once she took it she intertwined their fingers. Both his arms were in plaster casts to stop him from ripping his stitches out, like he had been ritualistically for the past three weeks.

He'd self harmed daily with anything he could find and every single wound required stitches. The hospital eventually decided the only way to stop him from reopening the wounds was to hide them under casts.

The clunky pot was awkward against Kelly's hand but it was the least of her worries.

"Tyler," Kelly whispered softly, "Tyler calm down sweetie, calm down. You're safe baby I promise, you're okay. You're okay, shh shhh shh baby, shh Momma's here, Mom's here. I love you Ty, you're so brave baby, shhshh, so brave, and I'm so proud of you darling. Calm down Ty, you're okay, you're okay," she attempted to comfort him but Tyler didn't seem to hear a word she was saying and continued to twist and arch uncomfortably.

 

  
"Good evening," Ryan said as he walked into the room.  
"Hello," Chris greeted him, and Kelly sat up from resting on his chest.  
"How was the scan?" She asked softly.  
"Amazing, she's a perfect happy healthy little girl. Wanna see?" He smiled, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a baby scan. Chris and Kelly both forced a smile at the image and cooed.

"Miracle," Kelly whispered.  
"Becoming a father will be the best thing to ever happen to you, it really is a gift." Chris told Ryan.  
"Can't wait. Tyler do you want to see?" Ryan asked, turning to face Tyler with the small scan in his hand.

Tyler was laid silently on his side, cowering under the thin blanket and staring straight at the wall in front of him. When he didn't get a reply, Ryan carefully sat on the bed next to him.

"He's been like that for about 2 hours,"  
"Tyler mate, let's sit up." Ryan said before carefully placing his hands on Tyler's shoulders and helping him to lean his back against the wall then arranging his legs slightly bent so that he was comfortable. Tyler barely seemed to notice.   
"That's better champ," Chris attempted to smile from his seat.

"I just got back from the hospital with my girlfriend Hayley, and we had our 20 week scan. We're having a baby girl Tyler. I've got a print of her, would you like to see?" Ryan asked, holding the scan out in front of Tyler. Ryan held it for a moment, before setting it down on the bed.

"I've got some more good news, more to do with you."  
"That's great, isn't it Ty?" Chris said.  
"Okay the first thing, and probably the best thing, is that Bean is coming in for a visit tomorrow."  
"Who's Bean Tyler?" Chris asked.  
"Stop making him talk." Kelly murmured quietly.  
"Sorry Ty."  
"If he wanted to talk then he would."  
"We'll get there won't we Ty, time and patience." Ryan intervened.

"Bean is one of the kittens from the animal therapy service we use every now and then. Tyler and Bean made firm friends on their last visit, and I know Ty was very eager to see him again. And I spoke to Dr Ronan and the ward manager and they said that if you don't feel well enough to leave your room then they give permission for the animal therapist to bring Bean in here." Ryan explained.  
"That's something to look forward to then kid." Tyler's dad commented.

"Yeah definitely, it's going to be fun. The next good thing is that Ella is finally well enough to go back home, and she's getting discharged in the next few weeks. She gave me permission to tell you, and she also said that she would love to come and say goodbye. Obviously we'll see how you are on the day, but it's something I'd like you to think about."

"That's amazing news for her, I'm so pleased to hear it. And see kid, she was so so poorly but she's managed to get better. I know you can do the same." Chris supported. Usually that was the role of Kelly, but her heart was broken and Chris knew that.

"Exactly. Alright third thing on the list; Dr Ronan has given you some grounds leave."  
"How long?" Kelly sniffed.  
"5 minutes. It's not much, but we should be able to get a lap or two of the parking lot in. Tyler you haven't left this room in three weeks, it's just a chance to get a bit of fresh air."  
"And if it goes well can he start to increase?"  
"It's up to his consultant of course, but almost definitely." Ryan answered.  
"Good," 

"Last but not least I got an email from the head psychologist over at your old intensive care unit and they've agreed to review your case. That means that once they've finished reading all your file, someone from their team will come visit you here to assess you and see whether Cygnet will be suitable. If they decide that they can help you then we're looking at a transfer at some point in the next two or three weeks."

 

~

 

Chris and Kelly had sat with Tyler all day everyday, but on the last Friday of January Zack was able to get the day off work and persuaded his parents to take a day away from Tyler. Instead he sat with his psychotic shell of a brother.

As promised they had arranged for Bean to visit and go into Tyler's room, but Tyler didn't want to touch the animal.The last day he had played with Bean, Josh had died.

Zack didn't seem to have the same problem and happily let the kitten climb all over him.

They had recently given Tyler all his medication via an injection in his upper arm, so he was now sat numb on the bed whilst occasionally taking tiny shaky sips from the blue cup they had put in his hand. It was filled with some sort of meal supplement or something, Tyler hadn't been listening, all he knew was that he didn't want it.

But regardless, he touched the cup to his lips every now and then and allowed the smallest of drops to seep through. He hadn't eaten solid food since Josh's death, and the smell of the juice made his empty stomach churn.

Still he touched it to his lips, hoping it would mask the taste of the beetles that had been crawling around in there the night before.

"Sometimes I think Ben is part kitten. He's gotten so good at rolling over, I swear he's like a cat that always lands on his feet." Zack chatted whilst playing with the tiny kitten.

Tyler sipped.

"I always thought I was a dog person, but Bean you may have converted me, you ginger fluff ball. Look at you, so cute. But don't tell Tatum, I promised her we'd get a puppy once Ben is a bit older. And look at those eyes, you're gonna be a lady's man when you grow up into a big cat."

Tyler sipped.

"Bean. Beeean what's this? Is this some thread? Can you catch it? Aw, come on, aww. Aww Tyler look, isn't he adorable. You're the cutest little kitten I've ever seen."

Tyler sipped.

"Didn't Josh have a cat? During law school or something?"  
"Doctor." Tyler whispered.  
"You need me to get you a doctor?" Zack panicked slightly, pushing the kitten aside and beginning to get off the bed.  
"Josh's cat," he explained hoarsely, his throat sore from all the screaming he'd been doing. "Was called Doctor."  
"Ohh, oh okay. Aw that's a sweet name, thank you for telling me. Do you want to hold Bean? I think he wants you."

Tyler sipped.

"No okay, I'll keep him. You're a cutie aren't you Bean, aren't you? You stay with Zacky."

Tyler sipped.

"Tyler do people talk to you about Josh?"

Tyler stared at the liquid.

"Would you like it if we talked about him for a minute? It's nice to remember people, and uh, it might be helpful for you to process everything."

Tyler was frozen.

"The best thing about Josh was that he was 2 and a bit years older than me so he could legally buy all the booze for my parties." Zack smiled. "No the best thing about Josh was his goofy smile."  
"816,"  
"816? What's that?"  
"Days older," Tyler croaked.  
"Oh, oh okay. Um, well, well it's a multiple of 4 so that's good right?"

Tyler stared at the liquid. 

"I always thought that English was more your thing. Who was that nerdy kid from your first high school? Mark? Yeah Mark. He was good at math and you were good at English."

Tyler stared at the liquid.

"Have you been doing much writing recently? Journaling? Or poems? Or any new songs?"

Tyler began to ever so slightly tilt the cup.

"I went to your house the other day with Dad. We just emptied the fridge and the cupboards so that things didn't start to rot, but uh, I saw all your journals stacked neatly on the shelf. Don't worry I didn't read them, I just thought they looked really cool and I wanted to remind you to keep writing. I think it will be good for you."

Tyler continued to tilt the cup.

"You gotta do something Ty, it's been a month, you can't just stay in here forever. Mom told me that your consultant dude gave you 5 minutes outside, so do yo- Woaah Tyler stop it." Zack said suddenly as Tyler let the juice begin to pour out of the cup and splash against the mattress. "Tyler stop, give me the cup."  
"816," Tyler whispered as Zack snatched the cup off him and carried it over to the desk.

Tyler then began to run his finger through the puddle and write 'Josh' on the sheet over and over again as Zack went into the bathroom and walked back a moment later with a handful of tissues.

"Tyler, don't worry it's okay I'll clean it up, it's okay." He said whilst wiping it up. "Let me clean your fingers. Ty, fingers."  
"Don't touch me."  
"You do it then," Zack said, holding out some tissue for him. "Come on, wipe your fingers and then we can move on." Zack told him whilst standing in front of him sternly.

"Zack," Tyler suddenly sobbed.  
"Tyler what's wrong?"   
"It's touching me, the beast, it's touching me,"  
"Oh shit sorry," Zack apologised whilst immediately scooping up the ginger kitten that had begun to rub against Tyler's side. "I've got him, you're okay Ty,"  
"Get rid of it," Tyler begged through the tears.  
"Sorry, I will, I'm sorry." Zack said hurriedly whilst jogging out of the room with Bean to find the animal therapist.

Tyler couldn't help but break down. This wasn't a hallucination, his husband really was dead. The last time he had touched that wretch, Josh was alive. And now? Now he wasn't.

 

  
Tyler fell asleep with his head in Zack's lap. Zack knew that he was the only person that Tyler had spoken to in the last three weeks, but he didn't know why. Regardless, Zack knew that he had a lot of responsibility resting on his shoulders.

He sighed and continued to gently stroke his brother's hair soothingly. The man was whimpering and twisting in his sleep but Zack didn't want to wake him, because he knew that things weren't any better for him when we was awake.

Zack had been a mess for a while after Josh's death, but he realised that Ben and Tatum were relying on him to be strong and he managed to help himself by helping them. And now he had to help Tyler.  
"Shh, you're okay," Zack whispered as Tyler turned again.

 

"Josh?!" Tyler woke up panicked.  
"Ty, Ty it's Zack, you're okay." Zack said calmly as Tyler sat bolt upright. "Tyler you're alright, I've got you."  
"Oh," Tyler sighed, wiping his face of a stray tear and leaning his head on Zack's shoulder.  
"You okay? Seeing things?" Zack asked. He knew their mom wouldn't be happy with the direct question if she heard it, but Zack wanted to know.

"I, uh, I,"   
"Wanna ask? Because you can."  
"Rats."  
"No they're not real. It's just us two in here. No animals, no people." Zack told him calmly, wrapping his arm around his brother and holding him tight. "Tell them where to stick it."  
"Oh,"   
"It's only 3pm so I'm going to stay with you another 2 or 3 hours, and I'll call Tatum and check it's okay for even longer if you need me."  
"I uh,"  
"I'm listening."  
"Thought you were Josh." Tyler whispered before beginning to sob.  
"It's okay to cry, let it out. You lost somebody very special and it's completely normal to feel this way, shh shh that's it. And I know that this is all really confusing and terrifying, and basically a giant load of bs, but I'm gonna do anything and everything to help. You need a hug then tell me, you need to ask a question then ask away, if you need me to go and jump on some rats then just point where they are and I'm on it."

 

  
"Tatum, I'm home!" Zack called as he walked into their house and took off his jacket.  
"Living room sweetheart, your parents are here," she replied, and a moment later he joined them in the room.

All three were sat on the couches, Chris and Kelly hugging each other and Tatum holding Ben.  
"Hi guys,"  
"How was Ty?" Kelly asked immediately.  
"Let me have a hug with my boy a second," he smiled whilst leaning down and picking up his giggling son, pecking Tatum quickly on the lips. "Hey handsome man, hey, have you been good for Mommy? Yeah? Such a good boy."

"How is my son?!" Kelly demanded.  
"Kelly," Chris said calmly.  
"No it's okay. All things considered, he was relatively okay actually. The kittens visited in the morning and other than spilling some of his juice he was calm. Then he got upset but he had a nap and I think it helped. And this afternoon he talked a little bit and had a really nice hug. Oh and also he asked me to visit tomorrow to go for a walk around the parking lot together."  
"Oh," Kelly said, bursting into tears and burying her face in her hands.  
"I'm sorry Mom, if you want to go with him then that's alright I don't mind."  
"No, no he wants you." She cried before standing up and walking out of the room.

"Dad?" Zack said confused.  
"It's not personal Zack don't worry, you did a really good job with him by the sounds of it so thank you. I think she's just missing Josh and worried about Tyler. All those things he did with you, he doesn't do with us. He doesn't talk at all, and he definitely doesn't hug, or drink juice. He uh, he's really sick whenever we see him. She's probably just overwhelmed, give her some space."  
"Well he seems to be making a bit of progress with me then." Zack said whilst bouncing Ben against him.  
"Yes, which is amazing, thank you."  
"And tomorrow?"  
"Yeah you go and support him, and then call us afterwards and tell us how it went."


	34. Chapter 34

As promised, Zack arrived early to the ward on Saturday to support Tyler on his first trip outside.

Before he went into his brother's room, Ryan grabbed him and asked for a word in his office quickly.

"Is everything alright?" Zack asked as they settled down in their seats.

"I just wanted to get your view on how Tyler's been doing recently. I spoke to your father last night and it sounded like you were feeling positive?"  
"Yeah. I mean obviously he's struggling but he's been doing a bit better when it's just the two of us."

"Right, can you give me any examples or something like that?"  
"Well he fell asleep with his head in my lap, and Mom said he didn't sleep or touch anyone. Then he spoke a couple of words to me and I know he hasn't spoken to anyone else. And it wasn't enough, but he drank some of that high calorie juice thing with me."  
"Oh wow, okay yeah that's a lot of small steps in the right direction definitely." Ryan smiled whilst making some quick notes.

"And I'm here this morning because he asked me to walk with him outside."  
"His grounds leave? Okay that's great."  
"Listen, Doc,"  
"Ryan, call me Ryan. I'm uh, I'm not a doctor." Ryan explained whilst concentrating on the paper he was scribbling notes on.

"Ryan, is there anything else you can do for him? I know you tried some stuff, but surely there's more you could do."  
"Well he's making some progress," Ryan murmured whilst flipping between several sheets.  
"But he's not eating, you've got to help him or he's not going to last much longer." Zack snapped slightly.  
"Okay, I'm sorry Zack." Ryan said, putting the papers down and making eye contact with Zack finally.

"I understand you're worried about your brother, we all are, but unfortunately there's very little we can do in terms of actual treatment. There's no cure for schizoaffective disorder, just like there's no treatment that's going to bring Josh back. All we can do is support him and keep him safe whilst he can't do it himself. And although it's horrible to watch and presumably horrific to actually endure, he's grieving and that's good. He needs to grieve. Please trust me when I say that I wish there was more I could do, I want to see him get better just as much as you do."  
"Yeah, yeah of course, I'm sorry."

"It's okay. And about the eating thing; I know he obviously has lost a lot of weight, but the team are ensuring that he's drinking as much of that supplement as possible."  
"When he was in hospital for the first time they put a tube in his nose to feed him through, is uh, is that an option?"

"NG tubes are not really our style here at Campbell, we're a bit more about helping the patient help themselves rather than forced treatment. Obviously he is a sectioned patient, so we could if we felt it necessary; but unless it becomes life threatening we're going to continue encouraging him to drink the meal supplement."  
"Right,"

"Now of course Cygnet is an intensive care psych hospital so they have their own mottos and methods, and I think it's pretty likely that they will tube him."  
"And you think it's pretty likely that he'll get sent there?" Zack asked concerned.  
"An assessing team will be over in the next few days so it's up to them, but off the record I think so. With the severity of his self harm and the frequency of his hallucinations, I think they'll decide he's better off with them."

"He'll hate it."  
"Well we'll definitely take his opinion into account. It might not influence the overall decision, but we'll listen to him. Maybe you could try talking to him about it today, see if he's opinionated either way?" Ryan suggested.  
"Uh yeah sure, I'll do my best."  
"Alright great, thank you. I'll be through in about 20 minutes to observe Tyler on his grounds leave, but you're welcome to go see him whilst I finish up in here."

 

"Tyler? Tyler it's Zack, good morning." Zack said quietly as he walked into the room and saw Tyler hidden entirely under a blanket, huddled in the corner.

Zack took his jacket off and hung it on a seat before crouching down next to where his brother was hiding.

"Tyler, I'm going to take the blanket off okay," he told his brother, then carefully pulled the blue fabric from over his head to reveal Tyler's scratched and tear stained face.

"Have you taken your meds?" Zack asked and Tyler nodded shakily. "Well done, that's awesome. And you got out of bed as well, so that's a good step. Proud of you."

"He here?" Tyler whispered very quietly.  
"Is who here?"  
"No," Tyler whispered again, shaking his head quickly.  
"If you have a question then I'll answer it." Zack reassured his brother, but waited for a few moments with no reply so moved on.

"Tyler I think we should move off the floor, would you like to sit on a chair or the bed?"  
"No he's gone," the sick man murmured so quietly that Zack only just caught it.  
"Would you like to stay here?" Asked Zack, but Tyler's only response was to pull the blanket back over his face. "Okay Ty, I'm sorry, but if it's okay with you then I'd like to stay sat down here next to you."

 

  
"Okay Tyler, you have to stay on the hospital's grounds but other than that you can walk where you like. Just stay with Zack, and I'll walk 10 steps behind you." Ryan told Tyler whilst unlocking the door and stepping out.

Tyler followed shakily, Josh's old hoodie drowning his skeletal frame.

Zack was worried that the simple act of walking the corridor from his room to the door might have been too much for his starved body, but aside from the shakes Tyler showed no real signs of feeling faint. Regardless, Zack stayed close ready to catch him. 

Once all three were outside, Zack couldn't help himself but wrap his hand around Tyler bicep and hold him steady as he shook in the wind. Tyler whipped his head round fast and looked at Zack terrified.

"It's okay, I'll let go if it's too much." Zack soothed him, but Tyler ripped his arm away before he had a chance. "Sorry. Uhm, where do you want to walk?"

"Tyler, deep breath, how about you show Zack where the tree with all the wind chimes is?" Ryan suggested and Tyler immediately began walking quickly away from the entrance. Ryan dropped back a bit, but Zack hurried and caught up with his brother.

They walked in silence for a minute, before turning the corner. Tyler stopped dead in his tracks, staring at an empty bench.  
"Josh?" He said softly.  
"Tyler-" Zack began sympathetically.  
"Hi,"

 

~

 

As Tyler turned the corner, there he was. Josh was sat on the left hand side of the bench, leaning casually on the arm and playing with his dyed red hair like he had at high school.

"Josh?" Tyler called out to him cautiously.  
" _Hey_ ," Josh smiled, standing up as he made eye contact with Tyler.  
"Hi,"  
" _Stolen my hoodie again I see?_ "  
"Yeh,"  
_"I don't know why we call them mine though because you're the only one whose worn them in the past year."_ Josh said. He always said that.  
"True,"  
_"You usually say that I look hot in blazers_ ," Josh grinned, his beautiful grin that he only showed Tyler.

His teeth lined up perfectly and his lips were just the right size, and his dimples, oh his dimples. Josh was happy, Tyler could tell.

"I miss you," Tyler tried to smile but couldn't help as tears began to cloud his vision. Go away. Go away, let me see Josh.  
" _I'm right here you muppet._ "  
"You're not," Tyler shook his head, tears streaming. "You're, y-you're," Tyler stammered, looking down at his fingernails.  
" _Dead_." Josh growled deeply, and Tyler's head snapped straight back up.

Josh had completely changed.

He stood a few metres away, draped in a hospital gown that failed to hide his distorted limbs.

His face was coated in blood coming from a massive gaping wound on his head, drying a deep red and caking him entirely. Shards of glass stuck out of his forehead, cheeks and neck.

Both his wrists were clearly broken and the bone protruded through his purple skin on his left arm. The arm was badly dislocated and hung uncomfortably.

A large tree branch stuck through his chest, the only thing keeping the flapping gown pinned to the body. Blood stained in a circle around the impaled branch like some sick game of archery.

As the corpse's glassy eyes made contact with Tyler he couldn't help but scream out desperately.  
" _You did this Tyler,_ "  
"No, no, please," Tyler sobbed as his husband took a laboured step towards him. "You're not him, please,"  
" _Oh but I am. This is what I look like. This is what you did to me. You did this Tyler,_ "  
"No no no no," he continued to sob, falling to the ground and grabbing his knees.  
" _I was driving to see you. I was always driving to see you._ " whispered the body, continuing to stagger towards Tyler. " _LOOK AT ME! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!_ " He explosively screamed at Tyler.

Tyler crawled away backwards from the creature before shakily turning over and sprinting back towards the hospital entrance, kicking mud up with his frantic steps.  
" _I'M YOUR HUSBAND, HOW COULD YOU?!_ " Josh screeched after him.

 

~

 

Zack sprinted after his hysterical brother and eventually caught up with him as he burst into his bedroom.

Tyler paced the length of the room twice whilst sobbing, before being overcome by anger. He used the cast on his right arm to knock everything from the top of his desk, then proceeded to punch a hole in the thin plaster board wall.

Next he smashed everything from his windowsill before finally picking up the framed photo of him and Josh and shattering it against the wall then falling to the ground in hysterical sobs.

"Tyler, Tyler calm down, Tyler please," Zack begged scared.  
"Alright Tyler, let's take you to the deescalation room." Ryan told him calmly as George and Dean walked in after them.

The two strong men picked Tyler up, an arm each, and carried the hysterical man sobbing and screaming towards the soft room designed to keep dangerous patients safe.

 

  
"Zack," Ryan said as he walked in 20 minutes later.  
"Hi,"  
"You don't need to do that," Ryan told him as he continued to pick up the pieces of broken glass off the floor that Tyler had left behind.  
"It's fine," he replied, putting more shards into the trash bag he had found.  
"We've got staff for this." Ryan said but knelt down next to him and aided him in his efforts.

"How's Tyler?"  
"Not good." Sighed the keyworker.  
"I thought he was improving, I thought I was helping." Zack scoffed at himself.  
"He's in deescalation with two nurses on arm's length supervision and we IMed him."  
"IM?"  
"Intramuscular injection,"  
"Right, uh, thank you."  
"S'alright, it's what we're here for. And it's why he's here."

"Can I see him?"  
"Not at the moment, it's just hospital rules. No visitors in deescalation."  
"I understand." Zack said, then they sat in silence whilst clearing the sharp shards.

"Josh was the one exception to the rule," Ryan remembered fondly.  
"Of course," Zack smiled sadly.  
"He was like an extra member of staff."  
"I can imagine."  
"Except for the fact he kept making out with one particular patient."  
"I take it that's frowned upon by the authorities?" Zack smiled.  
"Yeah big no-no." Ryan smiled back, stopping sorting the glass and leaning against Tyler's bed.

"It's weird without him."  
"Really weird. But uh, but things'll slowly start to feel okay again right?" Zack said.  
"Eventually. Time and patience."

"You think Tyler will be okay? Honestly."  
"We just need to get him through the next couple of months, they'll be the toughest. I know you guys always have been and always will be an amazing support network for him, and he'll need it."

"I've been thinking, maybe once he gets out of hospital he could come and live with me and my fiancé and son."  
"It's a big undertaking so make sure you know what you're getting into, but we can think about that when we get him to a better place."  
"Yeh. I guess we don't really have any other options though."  
"Well there's always long term supported accommodation."  
"Like a nursing home?" Zack asked.  
"Something like that, obviously we can look into it more in the future. For now, let's just focus on getting him through each day."

 

Zack waited another hour at the ward but Ryan eventually told him that he doubted Tyler would be well enough to leave the deescalation room any time soon. With a heavy heart, Zack got in his car and drove to his parents' house.

 

"Mom? Dad? You in?" Zack asked as he unlocked the door with his key and made his way into their hallway.  
"Oi Zack, that you?" Jay called from the living room.  
"Yep, hey." He said as he walked in to find his younger brother slouched on an arm chair.

"If you're looking for Mom and Dad then they've gone to Josh's grave for a bit."  
"Oh okay, I'll just wait. You alright?" Zack said whilst sitting down.  
"Yeh,"  
"Not fancy going with them?"  
"Wasn't invited."  
"I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you asked."  
"Nah Mom's a mess, rather just let her go with Dad."  
"Well if you ever wanna go then tell me and I'll take you." 

"Thanks. How was Tyler? He go on that trip out?" Jay asked.  
"He tried but it didn't go so great, he's really sick Jay," Zack sighed, rubbing his face.  
"I know, but he'll get better."  
"Yeh," Zack said, but wasn't entirely convinced himself.

"Zack can I ask you something kinda dumb?"  
"Go on,"  
"What is it that's wrong with him on a day to day basis? Like I know his list of diagnoses and like what they are, but I don't really understand what he's struggling with when people say he's struggling."  
"Like now? Or when Josh was with him?"  
"Before."  
"Well obviously I don't understand entirely either, but it was mostly obsessive thoughts and compulsions that were upsetting him."  
"Yeah but like what actually is an obsessive thought?"  
"An example, from what Josh told me anyway, would be like: Mom is going to die. Then the compulsion is the thing he does to stop that from happening. So, touch the wall 4 times."  
"And that's like all the time?"  
"Yeah from what I understand. So when he only groups things in 4, or he's arranging things, or he's cleaning things or touching things or walking or talking or eating in a certain way, that's his way of stopping the bad things from happening." Zack explained.

"Oh crapp," Jay sighed, "he's never going to stop is he? Because he let a bad thing happen, Josh's accident, so he's gonna think it's because he didn't touch something isn't he,"  
"Maybe," Zack whispered sadly.

"Is there anything they can do for him?"  
"Not really. There's exposure tasks, but that's basically just getting him to stop doing a compulsion."  
"He'll never do that, especially after Josh. I feel so crappy that I didn't know the reason he does all those things until now,"  
"It's alright, he and Josh kinda isolated themselves as a team separate from the family so they could work on it. It's not your fault that you weren't part of the process, it's none of our faults. They did what was best for him."  
"And now it's just him." Jay said sadly, and Zack didn't dare open his mouth out of fear that a sob would escape.

 

"Jay baby, we're home," their mother called as the front door opened an hour later.  
"Hi Mom," he yelled back, and a moment later the two walked in.  
"My boys together," she smiled as she saw Jay and Zack sat next to each other. Jay had moved to sit next to his older brother for support, but they chose to distract themselves rather than continuing to discuss the grave situation. "Two of them anyway,"

"Hey," Zack welcomed her.  
"Zack can we talk about this morning in the kitchen please?" She asked, remaining stood up.  
"Mom it's okay, you can talk in front of me." Jay told her, and she eventually decided that he was right and sat down.

 

~

 

As soon as Kelly heard what happened, she and Chris drove straight to the ward to see Tyler.

Ryan explained that Tyler had been hysterical for several hours, but now 6 hours after the initial hallucination he was calm enough to be sat in his own room again. A nurse had been checking on him every 10 minutes but always reported that he was sat silently and still on his bed.

Ryan eventually let them go and sit with him, and for the first 20 minutes he was silent whilst his parents talked gently, but then Tyler suddenly spoke up. It was his first time speaking to them in 3 and a half weeks.

"Mom,"  
"Oh baby, yes, yes I'm here," Kelly told him, tears already falling.  
"Can we speak, uh, just us, please,"  
"I'll step outside, not a problem." Chris said and immediately left the room.

"Sit with me?" Tyler whispered.  
"Absolutely," she said, climbing onto the bed and copying his crossed legged position.

"Mom, I need you to discharge me."  
"Baby you're still quite poorly so you need to stay in the hospital for a little while longer, just till things get a bit better."  
"No I-I know, I know I'm insane. Which is why you need to discharge me."  
"Sick, not insane, you're sick. Sweetheart can I ask why you're asking?"  
"I can't do this without him."  
"Tyler, are you saying what I think you're saying?" She suddenly realised.  
"Please,"

"If I discharge you, you're going to do it aren't you, you're going to kill yourself." Kelly checked, tears streaming down her face.  
"You don't have to know that though Mom, I'm just going to disappear. You can tell yourself that I've gone to live in LA, or Indonesia."  
"Tyler no. No. I'm not going to let you. No." She sobbed.

"Mom please, this isn't fair on me."  
"You're my baby, I can't."

"I need him Mom, I need him so bad. I could barely cope when he was here, how do you think I'm doing now that he's dead?! Josh is dead, Mom, he died. I love him, I love him so much and I can't be here without him. I can't do this. Please, I've been fighting for too long and I can't do it anymore. I can't get better without him and I can't live like this anymore, I need to be with him. Please, please help me."  
"Tyler-"  
"Promise me you'll think about it, that you'll properly think about it."  
"Oh sweetheart," Kelly choked hysterically, "You're right, you've been fighting for a long time. Maybe, uh, m-m-maybe you need a change. Maybe you could just go on a little trip away by yourself."

"Thank you," Tyler whispered.  
"I'll talk to your dad." His mom hiccuped, not fully believing that she was even letting herself contemplate Tyler's beg.


	35. Chapter 35

Kelly expected Tyler to cry and scream and beg when she told him the next day that she wasn't going to discharge him, but instead he said okay then rolled over in his bed and stared at the wall.

She continued talking to him for the rest of her visit, but he didn't speak again. With a heavy heart, Kelly knew he probably wouldn't for a while. She wanted to do everything in her power to make him happy, but decided that letting him go was a step too far.

 

  
As Kelly left her fragile son later that day, she bumped into Ryan whilst signing out.

"Kelly, I got confirmation that Cygnet's assessing team will be down tomorrow," he told her, sitting up on the desk as she wrote.

"Okay, uh, can I still visit?"  
"They'll be with him from 9am until probably 10.30 11ish, then they'll talk to his team and we'll have a decision by about midday. You're welcome to arrive a little before that so you can ask them any questions."  
"Okay, right, um, will it just be him and them for the assessment? I don't want him to be scared."  
"I'll be in there with him."  
"Good, thank you Ryan."  
"It's okay."  
"No really, thank you, thank you for everything."  
"Honestly, it's my pleasure. I just want to see him get better."

 

~

 

Tyler knew what was happening. The blonde woman and the Asian man were from Cygnet, and they were going to take him away. They had to go through all the protocols, but they were definitely there to take him away.

Tyler knew he wasn't doing himself any favours by ignoring them, but pfft who cares. Josh was dead and his mom refused to let him join him, so either way he was going to be stuck in a hospital until he figured out a way to join Josh on his own. Why did it matter which hospital?

Yes, Cygnet would probably stick a tube down his nose and force feed him, and yes, they'd inject him with powerful meds daily, and yes, they'd use physical restraints to tie him down. But fuck, who cares? Sounded almost nice compared to the month he'd spent getting sicker and sicker at Campbell.

Month he'd spent without Josh.

And hey, at least the stricter and shorter visiting hours would mean he wouldn't have to see his family as much.

He could hear them talking, no, he didn't have an eating disorder, fuck sake just read his file. Stop asking stupid questions. They know he has hallucinations so stop pretending to be so ignorant, they must have read it, stop being idiots.

He hated this, he really hated this. Everyone knew he would get moved, so fucking do it. He wanted to get angry and hit someone and destroy something, but last time he did that he shattered his favourite photo of him and Josh. They had locked him in that padded room and when he came back the glass was gone and the photo was gone and Josh was gone. Josh was gone.

"Tyler do you need a break?" Ryan asked, and suddenly Tyler realised he was sobbing.

 

  
10 minutes later and Tyler managed to stop crying, but still hid his face with the hood of Josh's jacket. Everyday it was smelling less and less of him, but Tyler refused to take it off. It was still his.

"Tyler are you ready to continue?" The woman asked, Tyler continued to ignore them and fiddle with his bruised nail.

"You've stayed with us before, what do you remember about the unit?" Asked the man, twirling a pen. He shouldn't do that. Tyler wanted him to stop.

"You were under a Section 3 for 6 months, then that was renewed for another 12 months. You should have been with us for 18 months but your mom chose to discharge you early and take you home after 14. How was that for you?" He asked, and suddenly Tyler was crying again.

His mom had discharged him then, why wouldn't she discharge him now?! He just wanted to be with Jishwa. This wasn't fair, none of it was fucking fair. Why Josh?! Of anybody, why Josh.

Tyler had done all the compulsions, every single fucking one. He should have been safe, Tyler had protected him, he should have been safe. Ty must have done something wrong, he must have fucked up, he must have slipped. And that one mistake had caused the death of his husband. He deserved this pain as punishment.

"Alright that's enough, it's too much for him. As his current keyworker, I'm ending this assessment now." Ryan said, standing up from his chair and opening the door for the two Cygnet staff to leave.

Once they did, Ryan shut the door again and sat on the bed next to Tyler. Tyler rested his head on Ryan's shoulder and sobbed into his neck as Ryan wrapped an arm around him.

"I'm sorry Tyler, I know that was frickin tough. But for what it counts, I think you did a really great job. I know you don't like having people in, especially strangers, and I'm so impressed that you let them. And the little things, the pen spinning, the foot tapping, the nose blowing. You did so so great."  
"Ry," Tyler sobbed.  
"I'm here mate. Remember to try to slow down your breathing a bit, deep breaths." Ryan supported, rubbing his arm supportively.

"I, want, Jo-sh," he hiccuped.  
"I know you do Tyler, I know you do."  
"I, I, can't, do, this,"  
"Yes you can, you are going to get better and you are going to get better for Josh okay? It's what he would want. You need to fight for him, make him proud with how brave you're being."

"Ry-an,"  
"Yes?"  
"Are, you, my, friend?"  
"Absolutely. Once you get out of hospital let's go for a drink together, I'll treat you to an orange juice."  
"Will you, will you do me, a, favour?" Tyler asked shakily, tears still falling.  
"Ask me and I'll see, if it's something reasonable then of course mate."  
"Discharge me,"  
"I'm not going to discharge you Tyler because you're not safe. But you knew that, which makes me think that maybe your intentions behind wanting to leave aren't positive. Tyler you will leave one day, you will, but you're going to go home and live a happy and full life. I know you're hurting, I know this feels like your only option but I promise it's not. The hospital, no matter which, will help you get better and then we can have the conversation about discharge again properly."

 

~

 

Kelly knew she had arrived ridiculously early but she didn't want to miss the Cygnet staff, and also couldn't stand to be apart from Tyler for long.

Chris wasn't finding it easy to see his son in that state, and she had eventually persuaded him that she would be able to manage without him for a few days to give him a chance to reflect on his own.

She was trying her best to be brave for everyone, but she was terrified about what Tyler was going through and would continue to go through for potentially the rest of his life. And she was terrified about how short that life could be if he got his way.

Her thoughts were interrupted as she saw two people leaving Tyler's corridor dressed in Cygnet uniforms and heading towards the meeting room.

"Excuse me, have you just assessed my son? Tyler, Tyler Dun-Joseph?" Kelly asked them, standing up from her seat in the waiting room.  
"Sorry, who are you?" The woman asked in return.  
"I'm his mother, Kelly,"  
"Yes we did. Unfortunately his nurse Ryan ended our assessment early so we haven't completed all the relevant paperwork, but we're fairly set on a decision. Would you like to follow us to the meeting room to discuss it?"

"Yes, but uh, is he okay? Why did Ryan stop the assessment? Can I go see him?"  
"He's distressed but his nurse is supporting him, so I recommend you leave them to it."  
"Let me just see my baby first." Kelly said, beginning to walk towards Tyler's corridor.  
"Ma'am, don't. Come with us instead." The man instructed her firmly.

 

  
Once the meeting finished and Kelly had called Chris to tell him what happened, she went into Tyler's room to break the news.

As she walked into his room, she was a little surprised to see that Tyler was huddled in Josh's hoodie sat in an armchair opposed to the bed. She sighed and wished he would take the hoodie off, but was pleased to see him out of bed.

"Baby it's Momma, can I sit next to you?" Kelly asked, not expecting a response as she walked to the empty armchair next to him.  
"Of course," Tyler whispered back, causing her to smile.  
"Very polite of you sweetheart, thank you. Good to see you out of bed baby,"

"My husband's seat," he murmured, scratching his jaw passively and staring blankly into the distance.  
"Yeah you're right he used to sit there sometimes, but he mostly sat up on the bed with you didn't he?"  
"Hm," Tyler hummed, Kelly not convinced that he was listening.

"Sweetheart I just came from your board meeting about transferring which unit you're on-"  
"Mom,"  
"Yes baby?"  
"Where is my husband?"  
"Josh is in a better place Ty, remember he was in a car accident? Yeah? He didn't make it, but now he's in heaven with God."  
"Oh,"

"Tyler, would you like to hear what Cygnet said? Or maybe a bit later instead?"  
"Mmhh,"  
"Sweetheart, they've accepted you. They're going to fill in the paperwork and get everything sorted out, but they're aiming to have you settled in by the end of the week. Transfer day is probably going to be the 6th. Is that okay?"  
"Mom,"  
"Yes darling?"  
"I don't know today,"  
"Today is February 1st baby, is that what you wanted to know?"  
"Oh no!" Tyler said as though he was a young child. He stood up from the arm chair, his emaciated frame trembling, and covered his open mouth with one hand similar to how a child would.

"Baby what's wrong?" Kelly asked calmly, but very very carefully watching him.  
"In January I had no food!" He exclaimed simplistically, "My husband will not be happy." Tyler continued, seeming very troubled by the realisation, but not in the usual way he was troubled.

Kelly didn't know what was happening, but she recognised him more as her 7 year old Tyler rather than her 27 year old Tyler.

And she was also very aware that he wasn't referring to Josh by his name.

"It's okay Tyler, you tried really hard with your juice, and Cygnet are going to help you out when you go and stay with them by putting a little tube in your nose to make sure your tummy is nice and full."  
"My husband will not be happy," Tyler repeated innocently.  
"Tyler, will you say his name please?"  
"Huh?"  
"Your husband, what's his name?"  
"Mom," he suddenly croaked desperately, "Mom I don't remember, I don't know, I-I don't know," Tyler panicked, keeling over in two as he began to hyperventilate.

 

  
~

 

  
"Tyler son, because you're moving to the other hospital tomorrow, we're going to help you pack. Now of course we're going to help you take some your things from this room, but is there anything you would like Zacky and me to get from your house? I know Josh only packed thinking you'd be in for a few days, so now we know it's going to be a longer stay is there anything you need?" Chris asked.  
"Need to die." Tyler murmured in response.  
"Sweetpea, what's your favourite photograph in your house?" Tatum continued, ignoring the statement.

Kelly had agreed to look after Ben for the day so that she could spend some time with Tyler before he got moved to Cygnet, as Cygnet were very strict about visitors being immediate family only.

Zack knew she was still heartbroken over the loss of Josh, but as she sat gently with his brother he wouldn't have been able to tell.

"Fuck off,"  
"Do you need a new notebook? Zack told me he saw a whole pack in Josh's home office the other day."  
"Yeah? Or is there anything else from Josh's office that you'd like to have?" Zack added when Tyler didn't reply.   
"Him," Tyler whispered tearfully.

He'd been flipping between fierce aggression and timid sadness almost by the second.

"Son, as much as I'd love to sort that for you, I can't. But a gentleman from Josh's law firm dropped off a box of all his belongings from his desk, if there's something you know you'd like then we can get it." His dad told him.  
"Vodka and pills,"  
"Ty you stopped drinking, do you remember why?" Tatum reminded him. "You gave it up because you told me when I first started seeing Zack that it was stopping you from getting better. Now is the time to be focusing on getting better again, not taking a backwards step."  
"I won't get better,"  
"Course you will; you've done it before, you can do it again. Now, how about clothes?"  
"Uh, actually Tatum, Cygnet supply safe clothing for him." Chris explained, knowing that Tatum had never been allowed inside the hospital so didn't know the procedures.

"They're not taking his jacket off me," Tyler murmured defiantly, pulling at the sleeves.  
"Ty, you know the rules, no wearing personal items of clothing. But, listen to me kid, your mom spoke to the ward manager. He said that they have a policy where if you go a week without any incidents then we're allowed to bring a personal item to visiting hour. If you'd like it then we'll bring that hoodie."  
"They're not taking his jacket off me," Tyler repeated.

"He's allowed photos right?" Tatum checked.  
"Yes, 12 appropriate photographs as well as letters totalling 4 sides of a4 paper if I remember correctly."  
"Well I'm sure we can find 12 good ones pretty easily. Should we get 6 of you and Josh, and 6 of the family?" Tatum suggested.  
"No."  
"Oh sorry, you don't do 6es. Well we can do them in 4s and ge-"  
"Dining room drawer." Tyler interrupted.  
"Yes Tyler I'm listening, tell me." Zack immediately supported him.

"He hid a photo. Indonesian family. I want it."  
"Absolutely, I'll find it I promise."  
"Debby and Josh, summer camp, his office wall."  
"I'll get that too, carry on."  
"Josh and me, our first Christmas, living room."  
"Yep,"  
"Josh Mom Dad and Jay, pride, his office wall."  
"Okay," Zack said, adding it to his mental list and waiting for the next.

"How about letters? Have you got any that you'd like? I know Zacky wrote you one the other week. Or would you like us to write you new ones?" Tatum prompted when Tyler didn't continue.

Tyler seemed to be contemplating the offer for a moment before suddenly screaming and erupting into hysterical tears whilst twisting uncomfortably on the bed. Zack quickly recognised that his brother was hallucinating.


	36. Chapter 36

Tyler fucking hated Cygnet.

Before he left Campbell, Ryan had given him some advice; he said that it would take a bit of getting used to but eventually things would calm down and feel okay, so he just needed to be patient.

Well it had been three weeks and Tyler wanted to die more than ever.

 

As he sat on the floor in the corridor, all he could imagine was escaping the Hell hole and killing himself in some grotesquely painful way.

The hospital policy meant he was locked out of his bedroom from 7am till 10pm at night. There were compulsory sessions three times a day which he was physically dragged to if he refused, but in between he would lay in the corridor. There was a room they could sit in at specific times of the day, although all the patients would scream and shout and Tyler would rather die than sit there.

Well, he'd rather die than do anything.

He hated everything about Cygnet, and he especially hated the white walls. All day and all night he would stare at them.

At least at Campbell they attempted to make things cheerful, covering them in colour and artwork and quotes, but Cygnet was cold and clinical.

There was a marked square metre on one wall of his bedroom where he was allowed to stick up photos and letters, but that was completely useless to Tyler. Not only was he not allowed in his bedroom, he also hadn't been allowed to see his family and therefore hadn't been given any photos.

At Cygnet there was no belief that family could actually aide someone in recovery. The single visiting hour twice a week was seen as a reward for not hallucinating; so if you're struggling? No family visit. It was fucking stupid.

If someone had cancer and didn't get better in the space of a week then you wouldn't punish them, so why punish someone with a mental illness?

It was fair to say that Tyler had expressed his aggression to the staff, but it always ended in getting restrained face down on the floor by 4 men and injected with powerful meds rendering him borderline unconscious. 

Sometimes he'd do it on purpose just to escape reality for a brief moment.

 

  
"Tyler, you need to go to the meeting room." A doctor ordered him from the other end of the corridor.

The same doctor who had ordered one of the nurses to cut Josh's hoodie off him when he refused to remove it. He cut Josh's hoodie. He destroyed it. The only thing Tyler had of his, gone.

"Fuck off," Tyler snarled at the white coat man.  
"You've got 30 seconds."  
"Fuck off."  
"25 seconds."  
"Fuck off,"  
"You were a teacher, you know how this works. 15 seconds."  
"Fuck you,"  
"Oi Tyler, that's quite enough of that language." Tyler heard another voice say, and turned to see Ryan smiling beside the doctor.  
"Ryan?" Tyler smiled for the first time in three weeks.  
"Hey buddy, you wanna talk in here a minute?" Ryan suggested, and Tyler stood up and walked towards the room before he had even finished the sentence.

"What are you doing here?" Tyler asked, relieved to see a friendly face.  
"I'm taking Mo to Campbell." Ryan explained as they sat down at the table in the meeting room.

The doctor sat down as well, and Tyler saw another nurse at the other end of the long table but chose to ignore them both and focus on Ryan.

"He's going back?"  
"Yep, he's been here two months and making amazing progress so he's coming back with me for a couple of weeks, then transitioning into supported accommodation."  
"Good for him," Tyler sighed. "Wish it was me."

"You're looking a bit better, how's the tube?" Ryan asked, gesturing towards the feeding tube.  
"Fucking hate it." He answered honestly, reaching up and adjusting the tube's sticky fastening on his cheek.  
"Tyler don't touch it." The doctor warned sternly.  
"Fuck you," Tyler snapped back.  
"Calm down Ty, you're okay," Ryan told him gently.  
"He's a dick, he cut up Josh's hoodie." Tyler murmured quietly.  
"He what?!"  
"They cut it off me," Tyler repeated softly, covering his face with his hand and trying not to cry.  
"Alright, I'll talk to them later I promise," Ryan comforted before turning to face the two members of staff.

"Do you mind giving us a minute?"  
"Patients aren't allowed unsupervised in this room." The nurse replied.  
"But he's not unsupervised, I'm with him."  
"You're technically a visitor,"  
"I've been through the exact same training as you."  
"But he's not your patient, he's mine."

"Somebody got out on the wrong side of the bed this morning," Ryan whispered to Ty. "Just ignore them."  
"I usually do." Tyler dryly replied.

"How have you been?"  
"Not so good,"  
"Been going to your sessions?"  
"Don't have a choice."  
"They been helpful?"  
"No,"  
"Have you made any friends?"  
"No,"  
"Spoken to Mo? He's talking fairly confidently at the moment."  
"No,"

"Ella went home last week, and she came back this morning and brought us all flowers to say thank you. She's doing really really well."  
"K,"  
"Have you been allowed to see your family yet?"  
"No,"  
"I saw your parents and Zack the other day," Ryan told Tyler, but he didn't know how to reply. He missed them of course, but the person he really missed was Josh.

"You know what your mom's like, bit of a worrier, so they just came for a quick chat. They gave me this to give to you."  
"Excuse me, he can't have that." The doctor interjected as Ryan got an envelope out of his bag.

"It's just a letter,"  
"It hasn't been checked and deemed appropriate."  
"Dude, I've read your personal belongings policy about a thousand times. They're allowed 12 photos and 4 pages of writing. As far as I'm aware, he hasn't been allowed anything. So here's what's going to happen, I'm going to give him this letter and he's going to read it and then you're going to let him to tape it to his wall and keep it for the remainder of his admission."  
"I'm his care provider here at Cygnet, and I'll decide what he is and isn't allowed."  
"And I'm on both his long term care team and his crisis team, so technically I trump you." Ryan grinned at the stubborn old man. "It's a letter, just a letter. What's the worse that could happen?"

"Please stop," Tyler whispered, feeling panicked over the confrontational situation.  
"I'm sorry mate. More importantly, would you like it?"  
"I, uh, I think so."

"Okay buddy, this is going to be really difficult, but I know you can do it. Just ignore these two, we can take as long as you need. This is a letter that Zack found in Josh's office whilst looking for photographs. Remember when your friend Debby passed away, and he went away for a while? He wrote this letter when he was living in LA, but he never sent it to you."  
"Can I have it please," Tyler asked, tears already flowing.

 

 

_Saturday 2nd May 2008_

_Dear Tyler,_

_Hey peanut, it's Jishwa. Long time no speak, I hope you're well._

_The reason it's been a long time since I last spoke to you is mostly my own fault, and I decided to write this letter to hopefully answer a few questions you might have had over the past few months of my absence._

_I'm currently in Pasadena LA staying with my grandfather, but that hasn't been the case for long. I've been here for just over a month, and before that I went on a bit of an adventure around Asia._

_So many unbelievable things happened on my travels, I saw some amazing things, met some amazing people, and formed some amazing life long friendships. I can't wait to see you in person and tell you all of my stories until you're sick of hearing my voice.  
_

_As of right now, I don't have any plans to return to Columbus, but I have no doubt that at some point in my life I will visit Ohio, and I'd love for us to meet up._

_Tyler I owe you an apology. I owe your entire family, but especially you, a massive apology and also an explanation. I know I disappeared without warning, and I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking straight, but I suppose that's what grief does to you.  
_

_Ever since I've started to feel like myself again, I can't stop thinking about how rude I was and how much anxiety I could have caused you. I'm sorry I didn't leave a note, and I'm sorry that it's taken this long for me to write you a letter._

 

_Grief sucks. It really sucks, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone somebody like you whom I love so dearly. I truly hope that your grieving period wasn't too horrific. My grief was, and is, horrific; and the worst part? All the cliches are true._

_When I first heard she had passed, I was in denial. She's my best friend, she couldn't be. I was both numb and overwhelmed simultaneously to the point where I couldn't function. My mind just simply could not think about everything logically, I was confused and possibly in shock, and I made the quick rash decision that I needed to get away._  
I'm still to this day not exactly sure why I thought that running would make everything go away, but nevertheless that was what I did. And for that, I am so sorry.  


_I got on a plane and the flight was 19 hours but I didn't eat or drink or sleep or move for the entire journey, I was just numb. I hadn't accepted it yet, she couldn't be gone, she was my Debs, she was always always across the street whenever I needed her. She was there for me and now she wasn't and I refused to believe that._

_After the denial comes anger. Why her?! This isn't fair! This is all ___'s fault. That sort of thing. Emotional outbursts like you wouldn't believe, the sudden urge to smash and destroy anything that got in my way. And I'd do it, I'd throw things and punch walls and scream until I was blue in the face but none of it worked.  
I still went to sleep each night fuelled by anger, and I'd wake up even angrier that my previous anger hadn't brought her back and made everything okay._

_Once I finally got it all out of my system and realised that nothing was changing, I began to bargain instead. I'd cry out to God, "Take me instead, please, I'll do anything for another day with her," in fact, I just cried a lot. I'd burst into tears at completely random times and find myself contemplating all the different things I would be prepared to do just to have one final conversation with her, just to see her face one more time._

_And when the bargains didn't work, the depression settled in._

_Before she died, I thought I understood depression. I thought I knew what it felt like when you explained it to me, but I misunderstood empathy for actually experiencing it.  
_

_Tyler how do you do it? I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this shit for so long, I've never been so impressed and proud of your resilience and bravery at fighting this awful awful illness. I honestly have a new found respect for you, even deeper than I had before. To think that you've been coping so well with this black cloud smothering you for so long makes you such a huge inspiration to me._

_You know how bad it is to wake up every morning and to ponder whether it's even worth it to keep on living, and to feel like there's no reason to go on. You know what that's like, and now I do too._

_But the bit you might not know, and I've only discovered during the past two or so months, is the stage where you start to feel better. Where you don't spend every waking moment contemplating your reasons to carry on, or wondering whether things would be easier if you just disappeared. And it doesn't happen over night, but one tiny baby step at a time, things begin to feel okay-ish again._

_I was lucky enough to have the help of two gorgeous little girls and their mother to guide me out of my depression, but I'll tell you all about them in another letter._

_For now, I want to focus on the simple fact that I hit rock bottom and yet here I am, alive to fight another day. And yes, it is still a fight, but I'm beginning to trust that eventually I won't need to fight anymore and I will simply be at peace._

_Yes, my best friend is gone, but there's nothing I can do to bring her back. No amount of denying or crying or screaming or throwing or blaming or smashing or punching or begging is going to change it. I needed to do it in order to learn that lesson, but now I must move on._

_A life without my best friend is scary, but I have no alternative, I must push through. Debby would not want me to waste my life mourning, she would want me to live the life that she couldn't. I know she is watching me from Heaven, and now I have the great honour of making her proud._

_Making her proud doesn't mean always being okay, it means carrying on even if I'm not okay. And that's what I'm going to do,_

_Stay alive Tyler, and I promise to write again soon,  
_

_Yours,  
Josh xx_

 


	37. Chapter 37

*3 months later*

 

"You ready baby?"  
"Yep," Tyler answered his mother from the passenger seat of the parked car.

His dad had offered to sit in the back so he could sit in the front, and Tyler couldn't help but smile as he remembered that that used to be his reward if he won a basketball game as a kid.

"Okay let's go." She smiled back, opening her car door then walking round and opening his for him too. The three of them headed out of the car and towards Tyler's house.

"You okay champ?" Chris checked as they stood at the bottom of the 4 steps leading to the porch whilst Kelly unlocked the front door.

"Think so," Tyler nodded. "He uh, he got these steps put in. When we first bought the house there were 5, but he spoke to his mate from law school and together they rebuilt them so there are 4."  
"Thoughtful kid," Chris smiled.

"We're in!" Kelly called down to the father and son as she pushed the door open.

It jammed a little on the large stack of mail piled on the other side, but she lent down and picked it all up.

Chris stepped aside and let Tyler walk in next, then followed and shut the door after them.

"Honestly, this house gets so much mail," Tyler's mom sighed as she flicked through the envelopes whilst Tyler completed his sock changing ritual. "Your dad visited on Friday and picked it all up, and now you've got a whole mat full again. You want a cup of tea?"

"Or a glass of water?" Chris added as they walked to the kitchen.  
"Water please,"  
"And I'll have a coffee please sweetheart, I left some next to the kettle." Chris told her, gesturing to the packet whilst sitting down at the breakfast bar with Tyler.

"Oh did I tell you? I had orange juice with my breakfast yesterday." Tyler told his parents.  
"Well done baby, the hospital told me that you'd started trialling squashes but I didn't realise you'd actually moved on to fruit juice already, that's awesome," Kelly smiled proudly at hearing her son had been challenging his intrusive thoughts.

"Yep, then the plan is to move up to trying hot drinks and then cans within the next week or two."  
"So I suppose that means I'm going to have to start stocking the fridge up with Red Bull again for your home visits?" Kelly joked as the kettle boiled.  
"You know it," Tyler grinned back.

"Were any of the letters important?"  
"Mostly junk, then a couple of bills but Dad and I have got that sorted baby,"  
"Thank you, but uh, no reply from Sukki and the family yet?" Tyler checked.  
"No not today, but don't worry sweetheart. You've got to remember that they live on a tiny island on the other side of the world, they don't have mailmen like we do; it's going to have to go on all sorts of planes and boats to get to them, so it will probably take a few weeks. Then we've got to wait all that time again whilst her letter makes its way here."  
"Yeah I know,"   
"But I'm fairly confident that your package will have arrived at theirs by now, and I'm sure they'll be very grateful that you took the time to write them such a well composed and beautiful letter, and that you included so many photographs. It will mean a lot to them I'm sure." Chris added.  
"Definitely," Kelly agreed, putting a glass of water in front of Tyler and kissing him on the forehead.

"You got anything specific you want to do today baby?"  
"Uuhhm, not really."  
"Let us know if you think of anything." Chris replied.  
"Do you want to go up to your old room and talk to Josh? That's okay with us." Kelly suggested.  
"Sure?"  
"Yeh of course, 15 minutes and I'll come and check on you?"

 

  
Tyler walked along the upstairs corridor 4 times before pushing the door to his old bedroom open; he was coping remarkably better with his compulsions but sometimes he still let himself fulfil them rather than fight, and that was okay. Visits were always hard so he let himself have a little break from battling them.

As he slowly walked into the room which was most obviously filled with the perfectly made double bed, he took a moment to breathe. He reached inside his pocket and felt his fingers rub against Josh's letter, the letter he carried everyday. With another surge of bravery, he walked over to the dresser and picked up the photograph from their wedding day.

It still hurt to look at Josh, and Tyler felt himself tear up.

After yet another deep breath, he set the photo back down and climbed onto the bed.

 

"Hey Jishwa, it's Tyler," he began whilst laying down on his side of the bed.

He wasn't hallucinating, he couldn't literally see him, but the whole room felt like Tyler was surrounded by his absent husband. Every little thing, the tie rack in the corner, the half empty bottle of aftershave, the hoodies on the door hook, they all made Tyler feel as close to Josh as he could get.

"I never know how to start these things," Tyler sighed, making himself comfortable and tugging on the red elastic band he had started wearing on his wrist. He didn't snap it against his skin, just played with it passively.

"I, uh, what should I tell you. Oh, Ryan and Hayley had their baby a few days ago. It's a few weeks early but Ryan told me that she's doing great and they let her out of hospital after a day. Her name's Scarlett, and I've seen a photo and she's gorgeous. He uh, he told me that if she were a boy they would have named her Josh." Tyler smiled.

"There's, uh, there's only 5 days left on my section and the hospital told me that they're not going to renew it, so technically I'll be free to go. But I've decided to stay as a voluntary patient for a little while longer. I only got moved from Cygnet to Campbell a month ago, so I'm going to stay for a few more weeks just to make sure that I'm definitely on the right track. I mean I feel like I'm on the right track. Today marks 3 months exactly since I last self harmed, and it's been 2 weeks since my last episode. Hope you're proud of me Josh." Tyler told his husband.

"Because that's why I'm doing all of this babe, to make you proud." He added, and felt a tear roll down his face.

Regardless, he smiled to himself, swallowed, and took a deep breath.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking recently, well I suppose that's what I always do. When we were 17 you called me a chronic overthinker, and I still remember it to this day because it's pretty accurate. But anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Ryan took me to his office the other day just to make are that I felt okay with what's going to happen whilst he's taking some time off to look after Scarlett. We ended up writing a couple of plans in my journal. Oh, I finished that journal I told you about last week, this is a new one. Sorry, I keep getting sidetracked. Back to the plans. We did quite a few, what to do if I need more medication, what to do if I'm hallucinating and want somebody with me, what to do if I'm getting worked up over missing you. Having them in clear step by step instructions has actually been really helpful for me, so I think I might write out a few more when I go back later."

"As well as those sort of plans, we also had a quick play around with a long term plan. Today is the 27th of May and we agreed that I'm going to stay as a full time patient for all of June, then slowly start to transition to Mom and Dad's during July. Just one night at a time. If that goes to plan then I'm going to do 4 nights with them and 3 nights at the hospital each week of August. By the end of September I'm hoping to be fully sleeping at Mom's and just going to the hospital for the outpatient day service treatment. Then throughout October I'm going to switch slowly to the clinic rather than Campbell for day treatment. And I guess we'll just take things from there." Tyler recalled.

"I'm uh, I'm going to live with them Josh. Don't get me wrong, I love this house and I love all the memories we made together, but I need to be with them. I hope you understand. I promise I'll still come here and talk to you every week, just like I have been doing, but I don't think I can stay here just yet. It's just a bit much. And hey, technically you lived at Mom and Dad's for a while when we were kids so I can still sleep in 'our' room." He smiled through the tears.

"I can't remember if I told you already, but Zack offered for me to go and live with him and Tatum. I turned him down, but he's been so understanding and patient and just amazing, so it was really nice of him to offer. Even though I'm not going to live there, I have visited his house 3, no wait 4, oh no 3 times yeah since Campbell started giving me leave. The last time I even held Ben for a while. Bless him, he's such a sweet child. He's just started sitting up by himself now so I'm finding it a bit easier to let him sit on my lap rather than feeling entirely responsible for supporting his whole body. And he's ever so good Josh, I swear I cry more than him!" Tyler laughed whilst wiping his face with his sleeve.

"I'm uh, I'm looking forward to watching him grow up; he's going to be such a funny kid when he starts talking I can just tell. And I'll be sure to tell him all about his uncle Josh. Tatum has already made me promise to teach him piano from the moment he can reach the keys so that he can become a child prodigy. Zack has him paged as a basketball star but Tatum's very adamant he'll be a musician so we'll just have to wait and see. I'll keep you posted."

"All this talk of music and children has reminded me to tell you that I've decided I'm going to go back to teaching. Obviously I need to focus on myself and my health and wellbeing for now, but it's definitely something to bare in mind in the future. I don't know whether I'll have to retrain or whether anybody will hire me, but that's a stress for the future. Now I'm just using the idea as a sort of long term focus. Especially as I'm unsure about so many things like what's going to happen to this house, and whether I'm always going to live with Mom and Dad or I'll be well enough and want to move out and live alone; it's nice to have a positive thing to worry about for the future. I don't know whether that makes any sense."

  
"It makes sense to me," Kelly said from the door, and Tyler sat up on the bed and wiped his face to look at her.  
"My 15 minutes up already?" Tyler asked with a sniff.  
"Yeah sweetie, but I just wanted to check you're okay. If you are then I'll go downstairs again and give you another 10." His mom told him.

"Been listening long?"  
"No, just about you wanting to go back to teaching music," she answered, sitting next to him on the bed once he gave her the small nod of permission.  
"Eventually," Tyler nodded, wrapping his arm around his mother's shoulder and bringing her into a small hug, then repositioning so they were just holding hands.

"What else have you been telling him?"  
"Just about how much Jay smells and I can't wait for him to leave for college so that I don't have to live under the same roof as him." Tyler smiled as the tears slowly subsided.  
"Honestly, just when we finally thought we got rid of all these stinky kids, we end up with number 1 coming back." She jokingly groaned.

"You know that I love you Ty,"  
"I love you more."  
"Impossible," his mom told him, squeezing his hand supportively and smiling with teary eyes.  
"Oh don't you start crying! I'm the emotionally unstable one, not you." He joked before wiping a tear from her cheek.

"I'm looking forward to you coming home," she smiled despite the tears. "Missed you,"  
"And now you're stuck with me forever,"  
"Nobody's stuck with anyone, well except your dad's stuck with me, but we both can't wait to have our boy back."

"Is, uh, is my room almost done?" Tyler asked.  
"Yeah almost sweetheart, if you're feeling okay on your leave on Wednesday then you can see it if you'd like. Your dad finished the final coat of paint this morning."

"He's been so good with me recently." Tyler told his mom whilst playing with the wedding rings on her hand.  
"Aw I'm glad to hear it baby, is it okay if I tell him you said that later?"  
"Yeh,"

"And going back to your bedroom quickly, there was a question I needed to ask you."  
"Fire away."  
"I honestly don't mind either way in the slightest, but would you like one bed or two? I know you said you'd like it completely different from when you were a teen, fresh start, but did that include Joshie's bed?"  
"Um," Tyler thought for a moment.  
"Like I said, we can do it either way. And if you choose to have a second then I could use it if you're having a bad night, or alternatively we can leave it just for Josh. But obviously you don't have to decide now, we've still got another month until you start coming home for overnight leave."

It was just a bed, Tyler told himself. It was just a bed. But in reality, it wasn't. It was Josh's bed, and Josh's little space in the world, and Josh's place to rest. But Tyler knew that Josh was resting somewhere else now, somewhere better. He didn't need a bed because Tyler knew that God would be looking after him and making sure he got everything he deserved. Tyler accepted that Josh didn't need it, but it was a bit more of a struggle for Tyler not to need Josh to need it. If he got rid of Josh's bed, did that mean he was getting rid of Josh?

He swallowed, pulled the elastic band once, then dug deep.

"I think I'd just like the one," Tyler decided with a flurry of fresh tears.   
"Proud of you cupcake," Kelly told her son, pulling him close and softly planting a kiss on the top of his head. "I'll let Dad know."  
"I heard my name," Chris said as he appeared at the doorframe and saw the two hugging tearfully on the bed.

"You've been quite a while up here, things okay?"  
"Yeah," Tyler nodded, standing up and quickly running his hand through his hair and letting out a deep breath, then smiling.

"I brought this, wanna go downstairs and play some piano for a bit?" Chris offered, reaching into his pocket and pulling out the half empty pot of black body paint.  
"Yeah definitely, thanks," Tyler replied, taking the paint off him and beginning to head towards the door as Chris walked to Kelly and embraced her. He looked at his parents for a brief second before adding,

"Don't suppose you guys want to come listen? I'll put on a private little show for you."


	38. Epilogue Part 1

Tyler stood on the street corner, leaning against the lamppost and checking his Twitter feed as he waited for his lift to arrive. Todd had offered to wait with him, but Tyler had managed to convince him to go home and relieve the babysitter.

Besides, Tyler didn't mind being alone. He sometimes liked to walk the Columbus streets at night just to take in the fresh air and look up to the night's sky, but tonight was not one of those nights.

Tyler saw Maddy's car pull up and he slowly walked towards it.

"Thanks for picking me up," he thanked his sister as he climbed into the passenger seat of her car.  
"That's alright, although I don't understand why you don't just buy your own car already."  
"I've made it to 32 without needing one, why now?" Tyler kidded.  
"Because I have twin 2 year old girls, I can't also be your chauffeur on the side."

"Anyway, how was your date?" Maddy asked.  
"It was, uh, really lovely actually, thanks."  
"What did you two lovebirds get up to?"  
"Lovebirds? It was our 5th date, I'd hardly call us lovebirds. But we went for dinner over at that posh place on Third Street, he paid of course, and then we just went for a late night stroll through the park afterwards."  
"I've always wondered how that works with same sex couples. Like with you and Todd, do you both reach for the cheque? And with two girls, do neither of them pay and they just walk out? Anyway, that sounds super romantic." Maddy said excitably as she drove.  
"It was," Tyler said fondly.

"How was the restaurant? I'm thinking about taking Will there for our wedding anniversary."  
"Really good, the food was amazing. I think I had about 5 courses or something ridiculous. As long as you don't mind each plate being the size of a beer mat and accompanied with weird foams and that sort of crap, it's good. The entire menu is in French, so Todd just ordered for both of us because I had no clue."  
"He speaks French?"  
"Yup, he lived in Paris for a few years,"  
"Of course he did. Is there anything he can't do?"  
"Haha it does feel that way sometimes." Tyler smiles.

"So how serious are you guys?"  
"How do you mean?"  
"Have you had sex yet?" She asked bluntly.  
"Maddy!"  
"Jees, 32 years old and still not mature enough to talk about sex."  
"Well for the record, no we haven't."  
"Have you kissed him yet? Because I can tell you've got a huge stinking crush."  
"That is between Todd and me."  
"Awww I knew it! You guys are the cutest!" Maddy squealed, and Tyler smiled as he looked out of the window.

"He asked me to meet his son," Tyler said a moment later.  
"But I thought you were his kid's music teacher already,"  
"Yeah I am, he's in the same class as Scarlett and Ben,"  
"As in Ryan's daughter and Zack's Ben?"  
"Yep,"  
"Cute, they can all be best friends, aww that would be so so adorable. But anyway, I swear you said that you met Todd as parent's evening so surely you've already know his son pretty well."  
"I do, but Todd wants me to come round to their house and meet him as Tyler rather than as Mr Dun-Joseph."  
"Aw that's so sweet."  
"Yeah, he's called William, 5 years old, good kid."

"So you gonna do it? Meet him?" Maddy asked.  
"I don't know Maddy,"   
"What is it Ty? Because Todd sounds amazing." She said seriously.  
"He is amazing. He's amazing and funny and compassionate and good looking and intelligent and determined and so so sweet, but, I don't know."  
"But he's not Josh." Maddy concluded for him.  
"He's not Josh." Tyler repeated sadly, continuing to stare out of the dark window.

He felt the car slow down to a stop and saw that they had arrived outside their parent's house, where he slept 2 nights a week rather than his apartment for their peace of mind.

"Tyler, he's not Josh, and nobody ever will be, and that's okay. Josh was an amazing chapter of your life, and that's never going to change, but you can't let him be the only chapter. He's not going to disappear from your past if you let yourself move on. I see that you still have your wedding ring on his cross necklace under your shirt, and I know that you have those tattoos for him. But even if you change those, you're not forgetting him. Nobody's ever going to forget him Ty," Maddy said, pausing for a moment.

"Everything Josh did was what was best for you. I think you should carry on that legacy for him, carry on looking after yourself and doing what's best for you. We both know that's what he wants. And right now, you've got a man who likes you so much that he wants you to his meet his most treasured thing in this whole universe, his child. And that same child is the one who likes you so much that he told his daddy all about you and basically set you up. They are two people who love you and make you happy, and Josh would want for you to be happy and to be loved. Tyler you've been through so much crap during the first few chapters of your life; please, let yourself have a happy ending."


	39. Epilogue part 2

"William, come hold my hand," Tyler called to the young boy.  
"Coming Papa," he giggled, letting go of Todd's hand and running through the snow. Once he reached Tyler, he held his hand and began skipping as Tyler started walking again.

"Now William,"  
"Yes?"   
"Do you remember Daddy and Papa telling you who Josh was?"  
"Papa's old boyfriend before Daddy,"  
"Yeah that's right," Tyler smiled as they swung their hands high.  
"And he died," William continued.  
"He did,"  
"But now Papa loves Daddy,"  
"Papa loves Daddy very much, and Papa also loves William." Tyler told the smiling boy, leading them down the snowy path with Todd following just behind.

"William, do you know what a gravestone is?"  
"Uh, no,"  
"That's okay mate. So when somebody dies-"  
"Like Josh."  
"Yes when somebody dies like Josh, they go away-"  
"I know. My dog Rex died and he went away but Daddy said it was okay because maybe we can get a new puppy when school starts again."  
"William let Papa talk," Todd told his son.  
"It's okay, I think getting a new puppy is going to be awesome. But quickly going back to Josh for a minute. When somebody dies and they go away, a gravestone is a way of keeping part of them still here with us. It's usually a big piece of pretty rock and it's got a name written on it, and it helps us to remember the person even though they've gone away. When we see a gravestone it can help us to think of lots of happy memories with them. That way even though they've gone really far away, we can still feel like they are close to us."  
"Oh,"

"Do you understand?" Tyler checked.  
"Yes,"  
"Good. Now, in a minute we are going to walk next to a gate,"  
"I can see it!" William jumped excitedly, pointing to the entrance to the graveyard.  
"Yeah that's it! And when we go in, there's going to be lots and lots of stones with people's names on them."  
"Gravestones," William added,  
"Yep, ah you're on fire mate." Tyler grinned.

"Josh, my old husband, has his grave here. Will you help me find it?"  
"Yes," William nodded as the three of them entered the graveyard.  
"His name is Joshua William Dun-Joseph,"  
"William? I'm William!"   
"You're both the same! Do you know how to spell Josh?" Tyler smiled.  
"Easy," William grinned then ran off to find the grave.  
"Don't run too far William," Todd called after him.

"Tyler,"  
"You think he gets it?" Tyler asked Todd, walking back to him and holding the gloved hand he held out.  
"To some extent," Todd nodded, then pulled Tyler into a hug, "Thank you for introducing him to Josh, I know this can't be easy,"  
"Thank you for letting me bring your kid to a graveyard on Christmas Eve,"  
"Our kid, he's ours." Todd smiled. "And I think this might be quite a nice family tradition to start, what do you reckon?"  
"Yeah, Christmas Eve with Spooky,"   
"He did love Christmas if I remember correctly,"  
"Understatement," Tyler smiled. "I love you Todd, you do realise that,"  
"You've mentioned it once or twice before yeah, I love you too." Todd whispered softly against Tyler's hair. "You doing okay?"  
"I'm doing okay,"  
"Papa! Daddy! I found Josh!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're done :(
> 
> I know everyone takes a moment to thank all their readers once the story ends, but I really mean it <3 This story has been an emotional rollercoaster to write, helping me express emotions that were previously threatening to beat me. But with a rather large dose of courage, I managed to share it. And I can't thank you all enough for your continued time, love and support. It means the world to me   
> *insert more soppy crap*
> 
> Now on a more important note, I have a little announcement to make :D  
> I won't be writing a sequel to this story because, yanno, I killed Josh. However, I don't want Fear To Lose to end. Therefore I've made the decision to start a series of single chapter stories called Unseen Fear Will Lose (name based on the UK series Unseen Skin). This series will include stories from the same universe, and I'd love to take any suggestions. I've already written 6 which I plan to post soon, but does anyone have any ideas? Do you have a scene you wish I had written? A story you wish I had told? A memory you wish you knew? Because I'll be writing it for you. For example, do you want to see Tyler as a young boy? Their engagement? Them in high school? The wedding? Would you like to know anything about Todd? Get someone else's opinion on something? You name it and I'll write it xx
> 
> (I spent a couple of hours trying to figure out prompt memes and all that crap and I've got no idea... So just comment them below)
> 
> Thank you all so so much, and I'm looking forward to your suggestions x


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